ACT I. SCENE I.
A Saloon ſupported by Clouds, with a Table, Bottles, Glaſſes, Bowls, &c. where Bacchus, Jupiter, Apollo, Mars, and Mercury, are ſitting, ſinging Catches and Glees.
CATCH.
JOIN your right hands, to your glaſſes, boys,
And let the bowl go round.
Fill a bumper—higher,
Steady, ſteady,
Let mirth abound.
Charge your glaſſes—poiſe,
Recover! make ready!
Preſent! fire!
[6] RECITATIVE.
JUPITER.
Bravo, my boys! bravo! braviſſimo!
Charming! delightful! exquiſitiſſimo!
Apollo, boy, tip us your manus;
How went our fortes and pianos?
APOLLO.
All right; but, I ſay, bully hector,
Why don't you puſh about the nectar?
BACCHUS.
That's right, my worthies, charge your glaſſes:
Come, give us one of your abſent laſſes.
[To Mars.
MARS.
Here's Venus,
JUPITER.
—Zounds, that's à-propos,
The ſtrangeſt thing's fallen out: d'ye know
Vulcan's gone mad—
MERCURY.
—That's no great wonder,
JUPITER.
'Tis true, or may I never thunder:
Horn mad!
MARS.
[7]—The fool!
MERCUCRY.
—Oh, dear, Oh, dear!
APOLLO.
Tell us the ſtory.
JUPITER.
—You, ſhall hear.
[Takes a petition from his pocket.
AIR.
The humble prayer and petition
Of Vulcan, who his ſad condition,
In hopes of ſatiſfaction meeting,
To the God Jupiter ſends greeting.
That your petitioner has a wife,
The plague and torment of his life;
That prudent, kind, and conſtant wiſhing her,
Humbly ſets forth your ſaid petitioner,
That might they but reſide on earth,
The many ills that hence have birth,
Would then ſubſide, and Mars, Adonis,
And divers others of her cronies,
At diſtance, all his cares might end,
And ſhe, his wife, take up and mend:
To this requeſt don't ſay him nay,
And your petitioner ſhall ever pray.
[8] RECITATIVE.
MARS.
And have you your permiſſion given?
JUPITER.
Yes, yes, they're bundled out of heaven;
The Cyclops—he—one of the graces,
And ſhe, in a ſtage-cloud, took places;
Which diligence ſoon ſet them down
Hard by an Engliſh country town.
I took a twinkle through the ether,
And ſaw them ſettled all together.
ACCOMPANIED.
Vulcan, no more; but, goodman Crump—
Here, you behold his anvil thump;
While Venus, where good ſouls carouſe,
Hight Maudlin, keeps a public houſe.
RECITATIVE.
MARS.
Zounds! to what end?
JUPITER.
—Good bully Mars,
To furniſh ſubject for a farce.
Suppoſe to earth we make deſcent,
And plague them for their diſcontent;
Some mortal ſhape let each aſſume,
MARS.
[9]I'll be a ſerjeant with my drum.
BACCHUS.
I, an exciſeman.
JUPITER.
A country 'ſquire, the ſtag I'll follow,
And echo rouze with whoop and hollow;
Thus Vulcan all his pranks we'll tell of,
And make the black know when he's well off;
But firſt let's roar another chorus,
And drain the nectar that's before us.
GLEE.
Thoſe mortals ſay right, in their jovial abodes,
That a glaſs of good punch is the drink of the gods,
Take only a ſmack of
The nectar we crack of
You'll find it is punch and no more;
The ingredients they mingle,
Are contraries ſingle,
So are ours, they're the elements four.
Then, Bacchus, for thou art the drunkard's protector,
Iſſue inſtant a fiat,
And let who dare deny it,
That nectar's good punch, and that good punch is nectar.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.
[10]The Skirts of a Country Town; on one Side a Blackſmith's Shop; on the other, a Public Houſe, the ſign of the Horns. Crump and his Men are at Work. Huntſmen behind.
CHORUS AND AIR.
Blackſ.
Strike, ſtrike, ton, ton, ton, ron.
Huntſ.
Sound, ſound, tan, ran, ran, tan.
Blackſ.
Let the hammer reſound,
While we take the ſtroke round,
Ton, ton, ton, ton, ton, ton, ton.
Huntſ.
Let echo reſound
The cry of each hound,
And the horn reply, ta ran, ran ton.
Crump.
Here, Maudlin, Grace, plague take you all,
Till I am hoarſe you make me bawl.
Enter Grace.
Grace.
Lord, Sir, you rouſe us all ſo ſoon—
Crump.
You baggage would you lie 'till noon?
Come, come, beſtir you—light the fire,
'Tis late in the morn,
And the merry horn,
Says we may ſoon expect the 'ſquire.
[Crump goes to the Shop, and Grace to the Houſe
Cho.
Strike, ſtrke, &c.
Re-enter Grace.
Crump.
Grace, is your miſtreſs yet come down;
Tell her I'm going up the town,
But want to ſee her firſt—
Grace.
—I go. Sir.
[A flute heard behind.
Crump.
Hey-day, what piping's that?
Grace.
—'Tis Joe, Sir;
[11]The ſhepherd Joe, who lives juſt here,
He plays ſo charmingly, Oh, dear!
Not better, Sir, pip'd Mercury,
When, one of the ſiſter-graces, I
On Ida with the laughing loves—
Crump.
Peace, jade, and fetch my hat and gloves.
Cho.
Strikle, ſtrike, &c.
RECITATIVE ACCOMPANIED.
CRUMP.
Here, take theſe ſhoes to farmer Swine,
I've heard the folks laugh at that ſign;
And one cried boo: another chuckled,
That's ſure the houſe of ſome old cuckold.
George, go mend farmer Hedgeſtake's plough;
I dream'd laſt night, that on my brow,
Large horns grew out; and then, to-day,
Scarce to the door I'd found my way;
But perch'd upon that tree, my bane,
The cuckoo—Zounds! he's there again.
AIR.
Tell me, am I laugh'd to ſcorn?
Have I on each brow a horn?
This I ſuſpect, and if 'tis true,
Quickly anſwer me—Cuckoo!
I have my cue,
Alas! 'tis true,
Hark, ſhe anſwers me Cuckoo.
[12]II.
That anſwer's yes, the murder's out,
At leaſt I ſhall no longer doubt;
But tell me, if to one or two,
Or more I am oblig'd—Cuckoo!
What more than two?
Alas! 'tis true—
Hark, ſhe anſwers me—Cuckoo!
III.
In vain then do I beat my pate,
A cuckold am I dubb'd by fate,
Behold—here are my antlers—boo!
Am I not right, my friend—Cuckoo!
Then plain to view,
My fears are true;
Hark, ſhe anſwers me—Cuckoo!
RECITATIVE.
To what humility I've buckled!
And ſhall a god be made a cuckold?
That Joe the ſhepherd, all her tone is,
He looks ſmooth-fac'd ſo like Adonis!
Then we've a ſerjeant brings his drums;
A ſportſman too—but here ſhe comes.
[13] Enter Maudlin from the Houſe.
AIR.
Venus now no more behold me,
But an humble village-dame,
Coarſe and homely trappings ſold me,
And miſtreſs Maudlin is my name.
II.
Yet here no leſs is paid that duty,
Ever due to Venus' worth,
Not more inſenſible of beauty,
Than gods in heaven, are men on earth.
RECITATIVE.
MAUDLIN.
Dear Miſter Crump, you make me riſe,
Before I ſcarce have clos'd my eyes.
CRUMP.
Nay, nay, 'tis not ſo ſoon, good mate.
MAUDLIN.
The ſerjeant kept me up ſo late—
CRUMP.
The ſerjeant! ay! ay!
MAUDLIN.
—Hey! how now?
[14]Why, what a grumbling elf art thou?
You're never eaſy, ill nor well;
In heaven you thought yourſelf in hell.
CRUMP.
'Tis true, good wife, and now I curſe
The earth, for ſome place ten times worſe.
MAUDLIN.
I ſee how 'tis, it ſtops the breath o'me,
'Deed, Mr. Crump, you'll be the death o' me;
Your falſe ſuſpicions ſink ſo deep in—
CRUMP.
Dear me, I've ſet my wife a weeping.
AIR.
When I've been working in my ſhop,
You many a time have ſeen me drop
Some water on the doubtful fire,
When I've been, &c, &c.
Which damp'd at firſt, more dead has grown,
But quickly, by the bellows blown,
Has chang'd from brown to duſky red,
Then brighter heat and luſtre ſhed,
And flam'd, and ſparkl'd up the higher.
Which damp'd at firſt, &c, &c.
[15]II.
Thus trickling tears from you that part,
Have often damp'd my doubtful heart,
And quench'd a-while my paſſion's heat;
Thus trickling tears, &c, &c.
But ſoon arous'd by kindling eyes,
I've felt a-new my paſſion riſe,
While ſob and ſigh, and ſigh and ſob,
Have made my boſom throb and throb,
And like ſledge-hammers on it beat.
But ſoon arous'd, &c, &c.
MAUDLIN.
He's off, thank heav'n, a while at leaſt;
Oh, how I loath the filthy beaſt!
Such huſbands! would the devil had 'em!
Here, Grace! I want you.
Enter Grace from the Houſe.
GRACE.
—Coming, Madam.
MAUDLIN.
Grace, loſe no time, but inſtant ſally
To ſhepherd Joe, in yonder valley;
Tell him, I'll come to him the moment
I have eat my dinner.
GRACE.
—What a foment!
Lord, Madam, you're in ſuch a magram!
And all for that poor tatter'd wagram!
[16]If for the 'Squire you made a fuſs,
One ſhould not wonder!
MAUDLIN.
—Saucy puſs!
I tell you, I am ſet upon it;
Go, and put on your cloak and bonnet.
GRACE.
AIR.
I'd have you to know,
Good Madam Venus,
The difference is not ſo great between us;
Men, if you need 'em,
In this land of freedom,
At will, a pretty girl ſecures;
And as for all your airs and graces,
If you come for to go
To talk of faces,
I fancy mine is as good as yours.
You are not with your Jupiters, Ma'am, and your Mars's,
With whom you uſed to play ſuch farces;
You are here in the region of liberty.
So let us have none of your fine commences;
Why, ſurely, good Madam, you've loſt your ſenſes:
For if ſo much you think yourſelf better than me,
I'd have you to know, &c.
[Exit.
RECITATIVE.
MAUDLIN.
The ſaucy baggage! What a clatter!
But privy-counſellors will chatter;
[17]And, faith, in this my ſituation,
She is of ſervice in that ſtation:
For ſcarce had I been twenty hours
On earth, but lovers came in ſhowers.
AIR.
My ſporting 'Squire to keep at bay
The courſe I'll double over;
While he intent
On a wrong ſcent,
Shall always find me ſtole away,
When he cries, Hark, to cover!
II.
With new-coin'd oaths, my grenadier
May think to ſtorm and bluſter,
And ſwear, by Mars,
My eyes are ſtars
That light to love: he'll ſoon find here
Such ſtuff will ne'er paſs muſter.
III.
Thus will I ſerve thoſe I diſtruſt,
Firſt laugh at, then refuſe 'em;
But, Ah! not ſo
The ſhepherd Joe;
He like Adonis look'd, when firſt
I preſs'd him to my boſom.
[Maudlin goes into the Houſe.
[18] Enter 'Squire Stud, Huntſmen with dogs and a dead hare.
STUD.
Hoics, hoics, my boys! Houſe, houſe, here, hey!
Zounds! why, they are all ſtolen away.
Enter Maudlin from the houſe.
MAUDLIN.
Not all, 'Squire; I'm at home, at leaſt.
STUD.
So broke the morning from the eaſt.
MAUDLIN.
For ſhame!
STUD.
—What have you got to eat?
MAUDLIN.
Who's there? Bring hither the cold meat.
STUD.
Do, that's my hearty. And, d'ye hear?
A tankard of my favourite beer.
We'll drink it as we ſit in th' air.
MAUDLIN.
The morning has been pure and fair.
STUD.
[19]As fair and lovely as your face.
MAUDLIN.
Pha! Did it prove a pleaſant chaſe?
What ſtiles and ditches have you paſs'd?
STUD.
I'll tell it you from firſt to laſt.
AIR.
The moment Aurora peep'd into the room,
I put on my cloaths, and I call'd for my groom:
Will Whiſtle by this had uncoupled the hounds,
Who, lively and mettleſome, friſk'd o'er the grounds.
And now we're all ſaddled, fleet Dapple and Grey,
Seem'd longing to hear the glad ſound, Hark, away!
II.
'Twas now, by the clock, about five in the morn,
And we all gallopp'd off to the ſound of the horn;
Jack Gater, Bill Babbler, and Dick at the Gooſe;
When, all of a ſudden, out ſtarts Miſtreſs Puſs.
Men, horſes, and dogs, not a moment would ſtay,
And Echo was heard to cry, Hark, hark away!
[20]III.
The courſe was a fine one, ſhe took o'er the plain,
Which ſhe doubled, and doubled, and doubled again;
'Till at laſt, ſhe to cover return'd out of breath;
Where I, and Will Whiſtle, were in at the death;
Then, in triumph for you, I the hare did diſplay,
And cry'd to the horns, My boys, hark, hark away.
[Exit to the houſe.
Enter Grace.
MAUDLIN.
So, miſtreſs confidence, you're there?
[To Grace.
GRACE.
Yes, Ma'am, I come from you know where;
How can you doat on ſuch a clown!
MAUDLIN.
If you expect that old ſilk gown,
You'll change your tone—you underſtand me;
GRACE.
Ma'am, to be ſure, if you command me;
And now I think on him again,
He is the handſomeſt of men,
His eyes ſo tender are, and bright—
Is it the blue, Ma'am, ſhot with white?
STUD.
[21]Here's that, my boys, ſpeaks all men's lingo;
Maudlin, your health—'Tis rare good ſtingo.
Hey, what the devil's all this drumming!
GRACE.
As ſure as eggs the Serjeant's coming?
Enter Serjeant Pike and Soldiers.
PIKE.
AIR.
Come all you gemmen volunteers,
Of glory who would ſhare,
And leaving with your wives your fears,
To the drum head repair;
Or, to the noble Serjeant Pike,
Come, come, without delay;
You'll enter into preſent pay.
Come, come, the bargain ſtrike;
A golden guinea, and a crown,
Beſides, the lord knows what, renown;
His Majeſty's the donor;
And if you die,
Why then you lie
Stretch'd in the bed of honour.
[22]II.
Does any 'prentice work too hard?
Fine clothes would any wear?
Would any one his wife diſcard?
To the drum head repair.
III.
Is your eſtate put out to nurſe?
Are you a caſt off peer?
Have you no money in your purſe,
To the drum-head repair.
RECITATIVE.
PIKE.
Bring out a flaggon of ſtrong beer—
What, lovely Maudlin, are you there?
May I ne'er conquer, if I bam ye,
You're handſomer than Venus, damme!
STUD.
Have you pretenſions to that lady, Sir?
PIKE.
For love or war, I'm always ready, Sir?
And, ſhould that lady ſay the word,
To anſwer you, I'd draw my ſword.
STUD.
Damme, you'd eat it up as ſoon:
Come, come, friend, you are ſome poltroon!
[23] Enter Crump.
AIR.
Pike.
Poltroon! Damnation! Zounds, unhand me;
Either you villain, eat that word,
Or down your throat I'll cram my ſword.
Squire.
Put by your ſpit, you underſtand me;
And if I do not make you roar,
Louder than e'er did calf before—
Pike.
Let me come at him—blood and thunder,
Be ſure you keep us both aſunder.
Squire.
Let me come at him, I'll ſoon convince him,
Pike.
Damme, I'll cut him to pieces—mince him.
Squire.
Coward!
Pike.
—Hack him.
Squire.
—Braggart!
Pike.
—Hew him!
Squire
Bully!
Pike.
—Tear him!
Squire.
—Scoundrel!
Pike.
—Stew him!
Squire.
Swaggering puppy!
Pike.
—Bang and beat him!
Broil him! fry him! roaſt and eat him.
Crump.
I'll try to get them both well baſted.
[Aſide.
Pray let them go, this time is waſted;
Inſtead of all this prittle prattle,
Let's have a good old Engliſh battle.
Squire.
I'll trim your jacket, Serjeant Swagger.
Crump.
Come form a ring—
[24] Squire.
—Well, are you ready?
Pike.
I never fight before a lady;
But if you'll meet with ſword and dagger,
Or o'er a barrel of gunpowder,
I am your man.
Squire.
—Hark, in your ear,
You'd be, I believe, a little prouder,
To have the barrel full of beer.
Pike.
Sir, I ſhall find a time, and ſoon—
Squire.
Go, you're a cowardly poltroon.
Pike.
Poltroon! &c.
Crump.
See of your conduct, wife, the fruit!
Maud.
Come, come, I'll finiſh the diſpute.
Squire, do you love me?
Squire.
—Tell me, do,
If hounds the timid hare purſue?
Maud.
Then with the Serjeant, o'er a cup,
For my ſake, make the quarrel up.
Serjeant, d'ye love me?
Pike.
—Honour bright!
Far better than I love to fight.
Maud.
Then with the Squire o'er a cup,
For my ſake make this matter up.
You've ſaid, you'll follow my commands,
Without more fuſs then both ſhake hands.
CATCH.
Then ceaſe all bickering,
Pour the liquor in,
Put about the quart,
To make the quarrel up,
Drink a barrel up,
And love the better for't.
END of the FIRST ACT.