[]

LOCK AND KEY: A MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT, IN TWO ACTS, As performed at the THEATRE ROYAL, COVENT-GARDEN.

BY PRINCE HOARE, Eſq. AUTHOR OF MY GRANDMOTHER—NO SONG NO SUPPER—THE PRIZE, &c.

CORRECTLY TAKEN FROM THE PROMPT-BOOK.

LONDON: PRINTED FOR T. N. LONGMAN, PATERNOSTER-ROW 1796. [Price One Shilling.]

CHARACTERS.

[]

SCENE. A Town in Devonſhire.

LOCK AND KEY: A MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT.

[]

ACT I.

SCENE I.

A View of BRUMMAGEM'S Houſe and Garden.
Enter CHEERLY, walking to and fro', and looking up earneſtly at a window of Brummagem's houſe.
CHEERLY.

LAURA has not appeared at the window yesterday or to-day, and my word is paſſed not to call at the houſe till ſhe ſends to me—yet I cannot get under weigh till ſhe bids me farewell. Oh, confound it! here's Captain Vain. What damn'd ſhift of wind made him bring up on this coaſt? Now will this conceited fellow bother me for an hour or two about himſelf.

(Going.)
Enter VAIN.
Vain.

I ſee you, Cheerly. You can't hide yourſelf from me. I'm one who ſee every thing in a [6]moment. You have heard what has happened to me ſince I went?

Cheerly.

No, faith, I have not.

Vain.

The moſt extraordinary thing. Always ſomething ſurprizing wherever I go. For my part I really think as to myſelf, that—But what are you at, Cheerly? What! attempting to ſpy into your neighbour's cabin! Juſt like me, egad! I've done that often in my time, tho' it's hardly fair play, between you and I.

Cheerly.

Vain, you know a ſeaman cannot act unfairly; here is a little frigate in this harbour, of which I wou'd fain take the command honorably; but her old uncle thinks me too poor to hold the commiſſion.

Vain.

Exactly me again. Egad! I had best give a little thought to your caſe myſelf.

Cheerly.

I have told you where my anchor lies. Can you lend me a hand to purchaſe it?

Vain.

Can I? I don't like to praiſe myſelf; but I am ſuch a deviliſh clever fellow; it is quite aſtoniſhing—I never turn my head to a project but it ſucceeds—Any thing, every thing—never miſs—I'am ſo clever. I'll tell you—What will you give me for releaſing this tender, conſenting girl from old Brummagem's clutches, and throwing her into your arms?

Cheerly.

Give you!

Vain.

Ay; what premium will you allow me on her fortune?

Cheerly.
[7]

This is not a ſeaman's language—I don't underſtand you.

Vain.

Why, look you, Cheerly, I love adventures—I have a genius for them, and ſuch a head at them, it's aſtoniſhing. But as this is a time of the world when a man is counted an aſs if he be not paid for every thing he does, I undertake them no longer as an amateur—I have done with that—but demand my fee regularly as a profeſſor.

Cheerly.

Indeed!

Vain.

I have adventured myſelf, in the ſervice of others, into eaſy circumſtances and genteel acquaintance: and if you will give me a hundred pounds, of which I happen to be juſt now damnably in want—

Cheerly.

Hold, Vain—That's not quite ſo clever,—is it?

Vain.

No; but that's ſo common a caſe with a genius—In ſhort, if you are inclined to pay, I'll put you in poſſeſſion of your Dulcinea.

Cheerly.

Eh, but how? How will you carry your warps out, Maſter Vain?

Vain.

You muſt not aſk that.—There lies my genius—I muſt manage it all myſelf—a genius muſt not be meddled with.

Cheerly.

Well, but do you know old Brummagem?

Vain.

Know him! a fellow full of lies and ignorance, who values you only for the number of quarters in your ſcutcheon, tells you long ſtories of [8]tables and chairs having been in his family for a hundred years, which, in reality, he bought ſecondhand yeſterday. It will be an abſolute charity in you to deliver a poor girl from ſuch a curmudgeon. And ſince you have engaged me in your ſervice, you have nothing to fear. I'm ſure to ſucceed. I wont praiſe myſelf,—but I'm ſo aſtoniſhingly clever—

[Exit.
Cheerly.

I muſt at all events reſcue this lovely girl. To lend a helping hand to thoſe who are diſtreſs, is the character of our country, and Britiſh ſeamen have ever ſet the example.

SONG.
AIR.
CHEERLY.
When Britain, on the foaming, main,
Her native reign,
Bids her ſons their rights declare,
Soon as her fires have taught the foe
Again to know
Who their dauntleſs conqu'rors are,
The ſailor's boſom ſwells with joy:
Beyond the glory to deſtroy,
He feels the power to ſave;
And, conqu'ring, views a foe no more
In him who ſought his life before,
But lifts him from the wave.
Tho' ſeas are rolling mountains high,
Our boats we ply:
'Tis a fellow-creature falls!
See him raiſe his hands in fear,
And, wond'ring, hear
The cheering voice that life recalls.
The ſailor's boſom, &c.
[Exit.

SCENE II.

[9]
A Library with Globes, large Maps, &c.
RALPH ſtanding with a ſtick over his ſhoulder, as guarding them.
SELINA and DOLLY enter with brooms.
Selina.

Come along, Dolly—Clean away.

Dolly.

How queer that man looks with his cudgel over his ſhoulder!

Selina.

That's Mr. Humourſome. He is always to be on guard while the maids are in the room. Duſt away!

Ralph.

Ah, you are like the reſt. Women are always making a duſt in one part of the houſe or the other—Get out.

(drives them off.)

My maſter is a ſad old hunks, to be ſure. He hates the plain truth as I do phyſic, while he will ſwallow, chew, and digeſt a parcel of bouncing fibs by the hundred, as a man wou'd count walnuts. His houſe is like the fine ſpeeches of fine gentry, all conterfeit; and the furniture in it would ſerve for the ſcenery of a harlequin farce; it tumbles to pieces the moment it is touched. But then theſe women prate ſo—Now they've hatched up a ſtory about an iron cage—Shut up his niece indeed! What do they take him for? I do ſo hate women—I hate them all except my young miſtreſs, becauſe we were foſtered together—I can't be expected to hate her—But I hate Selina, and I hate Dolly, tho' I never ſaw her before; and I hate—No, I don't hate [10]Fanny—I wiſh I could—Well I think ſhe'll have me: and when we're married, I dare ſay I ſhall hate her; for I know ſhe will uſe me like a dog; but I cannot hate her for all that. Oh, Lord! here ſhe comes! but I won't ſpeak to her.

(takes a chair, ſits down, and, as Fanny enters, turns from her)
Enter FANNY.
Fanny.

What's the matter, Ralph?

Ralph.

I am thinking.

Fanny.

And, pray, what are you thinking of?

Ralph.

You.

Fanny.

I am much obliged to you; but you had better by half think of our young miſtreſs, who will be brought back preſently to be ſhut up in an iron cage.

Ralph.

So! they are all in the ſame ſtory.

Fanny.

'Tis a ſhame.

Ralph.

How can you talk ſuch nonſenſe? What does my maſter want to force her to?

Fanny.

Marriage.

Ralph.

That wou'd be out of one cage into another.

Fanny.

Cannot we contrive to help her, Ralph? You know ſhe cannot love a ſtrange man whom ſhe has never ſeen. Why don't you anſwer?

Ralph.

I am thinking—what I can do, not to love you.

Fanny.

Pſha! do not be nonſenſical. Don't you ſee what an excellent match Captain Cheerly [11]will be for Miſs Laura? A brave ſailor who fights for his country, and whom ſhe would marry for love! Why do not you anſwer again?

Ralph.

I am thinking—that, if you and I ſhould be married for love, we might chance to fight for victuals.

Fanny.

Aye, but we'll be married for all that.

Ralph. (diſcompoſed, and turning his chair about)

Shall we?

Fanny.

Yes; and you ſhall be ſo ſmart, you ſhall look like a captain. You know, as my young miſtreſs's huſband is an officer in the navy, when you and I marry, you may wear a cockade in your hat as well as any captain of them all.

Ralph.

Wear a cockade! I am thinking, if you and I marry,

(puts his hand to his forehead)

if I ſhall be able to wear a hat. No, I'll never marry, I'm determin'd. I'll leave ſervice rather than be made a fool of by the women.

Fanny.

I tell you we will be married.

Ralph.

And I tell you we won't—And I'll tell you why we won't.

Fanny.

Nay, but I declare—

Ralph.

Do but liſten to me. That little tongue of yours—

Fanny.

Liſten! Why, Lord bleſs me—

Ralph.

Will you hear me only for one minute?

Fanny.

Yes; but then you ſhall hear me for a minute afterwards.

Ralph.

Well, ſo I will. That's fair.

Fanny.
[12]

Well—now I'm ready to liſten.

Ralph.

Without ſpeaking.

Fanny.

I give you leave to ſay juſt what you like.

Ralph.

Oh, leave me alone for that.

Fanny.

You need not fear my interrupting you, I give you my word.

Ralph.

Well, that's all I want.

Fanny.

I'll keep my word too when I've once ſaid ſo.

Ralph.

Well, well, I believe that.

Fanny.

Now—I'm dumb.

Ralph.

That's beſt.

Fanny.

Mum! I won't open my mouth to draw my breath. Only remember—you ſhan't ſay I don't give you a fair hearing.

Ralph.

But you are talking now.

Fanny.

Nay that's monſtrous, when you have been talking all this while.

Ralph.

I? why I am ſure I have not ſpoke yet.

Fanny.

I am ſure you have: and you muſt have talked your minute out by this time. That you have, at leaſt; and now it's my turn.

Ralph.

Now, did any one ever hear ſuch a—

Fanny.

Nay, I proteſt I will have my minute now.

Ralph.

Why I have not begun mine.

Fanny.

Keep to your bargain.

Ralph.

Oh! a plague of—

Fanny.

Nay, if you run on at this rate, I'm reſolved [13]I won't ſtay to hear you. I won't come near you again till you have learnt to hold your tongue as I do.

[Exit Fanny.]
Ralph.

Oh! a plague of theſe women! They are juſt like—

AIR.
RALPH.
A woman is like to—but ſtay,
What a woman is like, who can ſay?
There's no living with, or without one.
Love bites, like a fly,
Now an ear, now an eye,
Buz, buz, always buzzing about one.
When ſhe's tender and kind,
She is like, to my mind,
(And Fanny was ſo, I remember.)
She is like to—O dear!
She's as good very near
As a ripe melting peach in September.
If ſhe laugh, and ſhe chat,
Play, joke, and all that,
And with ſmiles and good humour ſhe meet me,
She is like a rich diſh
Of ven'ſon or ſiſh,
That cries from the table, "Come eat me:"
But ſhe'll plague you, and vex you,
Diſtract and perplex you;
Falſe-hearted and ranging,
Unſettled and changing,—
What then do you think ſhe is like?
Like a ſand! Like a rock!
Like a wheel! Like a clock!
Aye, a clock that is always at ſtrike.
Her head's like the iſland, folks tell on,
Which nothing but monkies can dwell on;
[14] Her heart's like a lemon, ſo nice,
She carves for each lover a ſlice:
In truth, ſhe's to me
Like the wind, like the ſea,
Whoſe raging will hearken to no man.
Like a mill,
Like a pill,
Like a flail,
Like a whale,
Like an aſs,
Like a glaſs,
Whoſe image is conſtant to no man:
Like a flower,
Like a ſhower,
Like a fly,
Like a pye,
Like a pea,
Like a flea,
Like a thief,
Like—in brief,
She's like nothing on earth—but a woman.
[Exit.]

SCENE III.

An Apartment at BRUMMAGEM'S.
Enter FANNY.
Fanny.

So, there they go—I hear him lock her in. Well, if I had been miſs Laura, I wou'd have run at once to captain Cheerly.

(affectedly)

It's a thouſand pities ſhe's troubled with ſo many delicacies—I wiſh Ralph was half as well inclined to me—I give him good plain hints, tho' I cannot ſay they have hitherto been of any ſervice.

[15] AIR.
FANNY.
E'er ſince I found true-love beginning
And thought his hand was worth the winning,
I call'd each little artful aid in,
To ſpare the queſtion from a maiden:
To wake or ſhow
When aſk'd to go,
I ſtill denied
All lads beſide,
And pray'd of Ralph to carry me;
It ſeem'd ſo pat,
In tender chat,
To whiſper, "Fanny, will you marry me?"
In ev'ning fine, and ſummer weather,
When o'er the fields we walk'd together,
Tho' I can trip it like a fairy,
I've oft pretended to be weary;
Then leaning on his arm awhile,
I ſlily aſk'd him with a ſmile,
"I'm tir'd, Ralph, will you carry me?"
But on the way
He ne'er wou'd ſtay
To whiſper, "Fanny, will you marry me?"
[Exit.

SCENE IV.

A Room, with a Table cover'd with Papers, Pen, and Ink; in the back Scene, a Door of an inner Apartment, a Window that looks into the Street.
BRUMMAGEM locking the door, puts the key in his girdle.
Brum.

There! I think that ſettles the buſineſs. The keys are pretty ſafe by my ſide, and the door [16]is pretty ſtrong—I am ſtill ſo afraid of that young ſailor, that I'll ſet Ralph to watch. Here, Ralph!

Enter RALPH.
Ralph.

Sir!

Brum.

My good Ralph, you're very honeſt; and you know I'm very kind to you.

Ralph.

Yes, ſir; you're always telling me ſo—

Brum.

Ralph, I put you in charge of this room in my abſence—Don't let any one come near that door: and if the maids come to touch any thing, drive them out.

(going)
Ralph.

Never fear, ſir—I'll be a match for any maid in Chriſtendom.

Brum. (returns)

And hark ye, Ralph!

Ralph.

Yes, ſir,

Brum.

If ſir Andrew M'Gorget ſhould happen to come during my abſence—

Ralph.

I'll drive him away, never fear—he ſhan't go near the door.

Brum.

Pſha! you blockhead! you muſt let him come, and tell him I am only gone to enquire news of him at the inn. Be ſure you don't let the maids in. I had rather turn a tiger looſe into my cabinet than a woman, and ſhould be leſs alarmed at the roaring of the one, than the chattering of the other.

[Exit.
Ralph.

I thought it was ſo! He has brought home ſome great curioſity; the iron-grating was to keep off the mops and broomſticks, and this [17]outer door to keep the duſt off.

(tries to look into the inner apartment)

I cannot get a peep any where. What am I to do by myſelf here?

(ſits down at the table)

Here's nothing to be done.

(takes up a book)

I have no great pleaſure in reading—No—or writing—No—Eating? Yes, I cou'd divert myſelf by eating a bit of ſomething, if—

(feels in his pocket, and pulls out an apple)

Eh! comes juſt in time.

(eats the apple)

And now I think of it, I have a good mind to write a farewell letter to Fanny, that gypſey— Let's ſee—Yes, I'll ſend her a line.

(ſits down, takes pen and ink, and begins to write)
Laura. (within at the door)

Ah me!

Ralph. (ſtarts up)

O Lord! what's that? Here's ſomething alive in the room—Some curious wild beaſt, perhaps a phoenix or crocodile—

(ſits down again, and having finiſhed his firſt apple, begins another, which proves a bad one)

A few lines— A long letter is worſe than—Pa! a rotten apple—Pha!

(riſes, and flings the rotten apple out at the window; then ſits down again to write)

forced to leave you—love you—

(a noiſe within the ſcenes)
Cheerly. (without)

But I ſay I will—Am I to have my eyes knocked out with apples?

Ralph.

O Lord! I have hit ſome one in the eye with that apple—What an unlucky dog I am! I had better get out of his way.

[Exit.
Enter CHEERLY, holding his handker chief to his eye, VAIN following.
Vain.

Hear what I tell you—If you make this diſturbance, I ſhall loſe all chance of ſucceſs.

Cheerly.
[18]

I ſhall loſe my ſight. I'll ſearch the houſe over till I find the old man, who ſhall either beg my pardon, or fight me, or give me his niece; and perhaps he'll chuſe the laſt.

[Exit.
Vain.

Egad he may, and then I loſe my hundred pounds. I don't know how it is: I cannot hit on a project to-day. If I could ſee Selina, we might contrive ſomething—Genius is ſo whimſical that I believe money frightens it away.

Laura. (within)

Cheerly!

Vain.

Hark!

Laura.

Cheerly!

Vain.

That muſt be Laura—I'll paſs for Cheerly.

(goes to the door and counterfeits Cheerly's voice)

My dear Laura, is it you?

Laura.

Are you alone?

Vain.

Here is none but my very clever friend, Captain Vain, with me. You may ſpeak freely.

Laura.

My uncle has ſhut me up in this room, 'till I conſent to marry ſir Andrew M'Gorget.

Vain.

Sir Andrew M'Gorget! What! he that has been in Spain theſe ſixteen years, and has made a great fortune there? Is he come home?

Laura.

No; but he is expected every hour.

Vain. (in his own voice)

I have it—There's my genius again—I ſee it directly—

(in Cheerly's voice)

Good bye, Laura! I'll take care of you.

(leaves the door)

I don't like to praiſe myſelf: but I am ſo aſtoniſhingly clever—Let me ſee—Selina can furniſh me with a dreſs—I have it—I'll order a coach to be ready to carry her off at a minute's warning. What a bleſſing to be ſuch a clever fellow!

[Exit.
Ralph. (returns, peeping about)
[19]

O Lud! O Lud! it is miſs Laura, ſure enough, ſhut up in that room. Egad, if I had happen'd to be in the way when that angry captain came in with his one eye, I might have ſtood a chance of a couple of black ones.

(looks out)

Yonder's my cruel maſter—Now I ſhall hate him. I won't own a word of captain Cheerly having been here. If he aſks any queſtions, I muſt fob him off with half a ſcore bouncing ſtories in his own way—I don't care what I ſay to him now. That he ſhou'd be ſuch a hard-hearted, cruel, abominable—

Enter BRUMMAGEM.
Brum.

Who were thoſe fellows I ſaw lurking about? Has there been any one here?

Ralph.

Not a ſoul, ſir—I muſt have ſeen them, if they had been here, ſir.

Brum.

You have not ſeen or heard any one?

Ralph.

Only poor miſs Laura, who has been crying there, ſir.

Brum.

Ah, that's nothing—Girls love to ſhed tears.

Ralph. (crying)

I believe I love to ſhed tears too—I cannot help it when I think of poor miſs Laura, my own foſter-ſiſter, ſhut up—in a cage like a—like a wild beaſt. Don't you, pray, maſter, don't you uſe her ſo hardly—ſhe has not deſerved it, I am ſure.

(falls on his kness)
Brum.
[20]

Stand up, ſtand up, lad—The women have been perſuading you.

Ralph. (ſtill crying)

Your honor knows it is not for that; but it is ſo piteous to hear a poor Chriſtian creature ſing in a cage like a great bird.

Brum.

Well, well, Ralph, leave all that to me—You may go.

Ralph.

Yes, ſir—But don't be ſo cruel to my young miſtreſs.

Brum.

Well, well.

Ralph.

Don't now, pray, ſir—Indeed ſhe don't deſerve it—She don't indeed!

Brum.

Leave that to me, I ſay. There, get you gone.

[Exit Ralph.
Brum.

So, this goes well! M'Gorget is on his paſſage; his ſteward is every moment expected to meet him with the accounts of his eſtates. They muſt be rarely improved in ſixteen years' nurſing. I may now venture to give my priſoner a little air.

DUET.—BRUMMAGEM and LAURA.
Brum.
When left to themſelves,
Girls are miſchievous elves:
There's no mortal can gueſs where they'll be,
While they're out of your view:
Wou'd you know what they do,
You muſt truſt to a Lock and a Key.
(Unlocks the door of the inner apartment, and diſcovers, through an iron grating, LAURA ſitting, and leaning penſively on her arm.
Laura.
By theſe my tears, by theſe my ſighs,
Believe how truly I implore:
[21] At length let tender pity riſe,
At length a guardian's love reſtore.
Brum.
Hence from me, baggage, I'll hear you no more.
Duty alone can affection reſtore.
Laura.

Believe how truly I implore.

Brum.

Go, go. I'll never hear you more.

Brum. (ſits in a chair)

No, no, miſs: you are beſt where you are, till your huſband comes; and now liſten to the account you are to give of yourſelf and family to ſir Andrew, when he arrives. I can invent a ſtory to my own credit, with any man in Chriſtendom: but the devil of it is, I have a ſhort memory, and cannot remember it when I have made it. Let's ſee—

(reads)

‘Your family is deſcended from the Brummys, who came over with the Conqueror—your great grandfather was an eccleſiaſtic in the reign of Anne’—He was ſexton to the pariſh of Hounſlow. Remember I bury the ſexton. Then, when you ſpeak of the gold candleſticks, remember the duke of Montault made them a preſent to my uncle.

(aſide)

They have been pretty often preſented to my uncle *I warrant.

Enter RALPH.
Ralph.

Sir, here's ſome one. Oh, poor miſs Laura!

Brum.

Some one! Eh, where?

Ralph.

Some one below ſtairs, where you—But you ſhall not keep her there, old one—

(aſide)

[22]where you were enquiring for ſir Andrew and his ſteward.

Brum.

I'll be with them directly. Rare news, my girl! He's come, I dare ſay. Out of the room, ſirrah! and don't let me catch you here at my return.

[Ralph goes towards the grate; Brum. drives him off, and exit.
Laura.

Barbarous uncle! How do you abuſe the truſt repoſed in you by my poor fond parents!

FINALE.

Enter RALPH.
Ralph.
Hiſt! Hiſt! All is ſafe: you may venture in now,
For my maſter's engag'd with a ſtranger below.
Enter FANNY.
Fanny.
Now, now's the moment—nothing fear:
One who loves you, waits you here.
[Exeunt.
Enter CHEERLY. (goes to grate.)
Cheerly.
For moments to view thee,
The tranſport poſſeſſing,
The foes that purſue thee
I value no more.
Laura.
Thy faith while poſſeſſing,
This priſon's a bleſſing:
When conſtant I view thee,
All danger is o'er.
Both.
Thus hope's fond illuſion
Theſe moments endearing,
[23] In abſence ſtill chearing,
Our boſoms ſhall own.
Her flame ever lighting,
Till duty, till pleaſure,
Till love beyond meaſure,
Uniting, requiting,
Our conſtancy crown.
Enter FANNY.
Fanny.
Huſh! Huſh! Away! Away! Begone!
My maſter's coming—We're undone.
Brum.
Sure I heard this day a humming!
Faſten every door below.
Ralph.
Hark! I hear old ſquare-toes coming!
Out the candles quickly blow.
Cheerly.
Hark! I hear old ſquare toes coming!
Which way, which way ſhall I go?
Servants.
This way, this way, you may go,
We'll remain while you're retreating:
At the worſt we fear a beating,
If he chance the truth to know.
Enter BRUMMAGEM. (ſervants behind)
Brum.
What the devil's here a doing?
Not of light a ſingle ſpark!
Miſchief here is ſurely brewing,
While I'm blund'ring in the dark.
Some one near me
Seems to hear me:
Ears are falſe, or—
Ralph.

Did you call, ſir?

Brum.

Quickly anſwer!

Ralph.

'Tis your man, ſir.

Fanny.
If the captain be detected,
We ſhall ſurely be ſuſpected.
Brum.

Varlets, you deceive your maſter.

Servants.

We ſhall pay for this diſaſter.

Brum.
[24]
Now the knaves I ſhall diſcover.
I ſuſpect I've caught the lover.
(meets Cheerly and holds him)
Fanny.

I'm afraid the captain's caugh.

Servants.

Guilty we ſhall all be thought.

Brum.

Ring the larum, bring a light here.

(Ralph ſlips between Cheerly and Brummagem)
Ralph.

Then, ſir, hold me not ſo tight here.

Brum.

Is it you? I'm ſtrangely puzzled.

Servants.
If the maſtiff be unmuzzled,
By his barking hell betray
Captain Cheerly on his way.
Brum.

At the door I'll ſlily ſtay.

Loura.
Cupid, now protect the lover,
Guide him ſafely on his way!
O'er his ſteps propitious hover!
Brum.
Here's a broomſtick in my way.
Clear I ſee ſome trick is playing,
All my ſervants me betraying,—
I'll ſeverely trounce you all.
'Sblood and thunder!
Servants. (bring lights in)

What's the wonder?

Ralph.
We are ready
Here to aid you.
Fanny.

We came running at your call—

Brum.
All betraying,
None obeying.
Servants.
We are ready,
Here to aid ye,
Tho' we now your anger meet.
Chorus.
Still the lover's flight concealing—
All denying, nought revealing—
This
  • good
  • ill
fortune to complete.
[Exeunt.
END OF THE FIRST ACT.

ACT II.

[25]

SCENE I. Apartment in BRUMMAGEM'S Houſe.

Enter FANNY, with a letter in her hand.
Fanny.

The deuce take that door and the iron grating! I muſt even give the note again to Selina.

Enter RALPH, with breakfaſt things on a waiter— ſeeing Fanny, he turns back.
Fanny.

Hark ye, Ralph! will you take a letter for me into miſs Laura's room with her breakfaſt?

Ralph.

No.

Fanny.

Will you carry a meſſage into the room to her?

Ralph.

No.

Fanny.

And why not, you ill-natured creature?

Ralph.

I am not ill-natured—I have a reaſon.

Fanny.

And pray, what is it?

Ralph.

Becauſe I'm not going into the room, and nobody is going into the room but my maſter himſelf.

Fanny.

Then now I'm ſure he means to ſtarve her. Cou'd not we contrive to make him carry this note himſelf?

(obſerving the tea-things)
Ralph.

Pſha! Pſha! Impoſſible! Obſerve, I [26]don't adviſe you to fold the note ſmaller, and put it under the tea-pot.

Fanny.

Oh, there's a dear Ralph.

(folding the note ſmaller, and placing it under the teapot)
Ralph.

Away! here is my maſter.

[Fanny runs off.
Enter BRUMMAGEM.
Ralph. (pretending not to obſerve him)

When my maſter places ſuch a confidence in me as to ſend me into the room—

Brum.

Oh! I ſhall not do that neither. Give me the waiter.

Ralph.

Sha'n't I take it in, ſir?

Brum.

You want to take in your maſter, knave.

(takes the breakfaſt things)

Watch that no one comes into the houſe while I am here.

[Exit.
Ralph.

No—but I'll let ſomebody out of the houſe while you are here. I'm determined—I muſt ſet her free—it breaks my heart. The old one is a little near-ſighted, and can't ſee without ſpectacles, and is not very quick of hearing—I think I know a trick that wou'd do it. I muſt make ſome amends to captain Cheerly for knocking his eye out; but the worſt of it is, I can't do without the women.

Enter FANNY. (behind him)
Fanny.

Do, my dear Ralph,—there is a good creature.

Ralph.
[27]

There is never miſchief a-foot, but a woman pops her head in—It is like raiſing the devil by talking of ſin. Is it honeſt, Fanny, to impoſe on one's maſter?

Fanny.

Honeſt! Can he expect honeſty, who ſets ſo bad an example to his own family? Do you think it is honeſt to ſhut up a poor girl, and force her either to ſtarve or marry?

Ralph.

Indeed I don't know which is worſe. Away then with me, Fanny, down ſtairs, and I'll tell you all about it. We'll ſee our young miſtreſs married and merry, and then we'll be married ourſelves. I ſee there is no helping it—It is what we muſt all come to.

DUET.—RALPH and FANNY.
Ralph.
Hey! dance to the fiddle and tabor,
And none ſhall have reaſon to laugh at his neighbour,
Our wedding ſhall follow ſoon after.
Fal de ral, lal de ral, la!
Wits and philoſophers,
Scholars and conjurors,
Stateſmen and miniſters,
Judges and counſellors,
Doctors and barriſters,
Biſhops and chancellors,
Great dukes and emperors,
Mitred and crown'd,
All have danc'd to the fiddle and tabor,
Fanny.
Hey! dance to the fiddle and tabor,
Fal de ral, lal de ral, la!
Welcome each laſs, and ſhake hands with each neighbour.
How little care I for their laughter,
Fal de ral, lal de ral, lal!
[28] Sunday and holiday,
Working and wearing day,
Feaſting and jolly day,
Singing the merry day,
Rainy or fair the day,
Never know care a day.
Happy we'll ev'ry day live the year round,
Dancing oft to the fiddle and tabor,
Fal de ral, lal de ral, la!
Ralph.

I'm maſter, and rule houſe and table.

Fanny.

I'm miſtreſs, and you may rule me if you're able.

Ralph.

Who maſter,

Fanny.

Who miſtreſs,

Both.
We'll ſettle ſoon after.
But now we'll ſing, fal de ral, la!
Ralph.

I'll make you jealous, and romp with the petticoats.

Fanny.

I'll kiſs the fellows, and flirt with the pretty coats.

Ralph.

I'll not ſubmit to it,

Fanny.

Yes, you'll ſubmit to it,

Both.
Spite of your wit,
To it.
I'll keep my ground.
Fal lal de ral, lal de ral!
[Exeunt.

SCENE II. LAURA'S Apartment—The iron Grate ſeen before the Door.

BRUMMAGEM and LAURA at breakfaſt-table.
Brum.

Taſte this tea, my dear—it was a preſent from the reigning emperor of China to an officer who attended our laſt embaſſy.

Laura.

Indeed, ſir, I cannot touch a drop—Your ſeverity to me breaks my heart.

Brum.
[29]

None of theſe airs! What will your looks be come to by the time your huſband, ſir Andrew, arrives? You are as white as paper already—Come, eat a little bit, and I'll give you ſome of the fineſt rouge from Paris: and you ſhall tell ſir Andrew, it is all a natural bloom got by walking in the park.

Laura.

Do you think, ſir, I can debaſe myſelf to utter ſuch falſehoods? The obedience I owe to the authority inveſted in you by my parents, may require the ſacrifice of my will, but not of my veracity.

Brum.

Pſha! Pſha! theſe are only little poetical embelliſhments. M'Gorget will never ſuſpect you hate him: and you know, when you are once lady M'Gorget, it is all ſafe and well. Come now, my deary, eat

(offers the plate, ſhe refuſes)

Nay, nay, come then, ſome tea firſt

(lifts up the tea pot, and diſcovers the note)—(riſes and comes forward)

Eh! Oh ho! Oh, you little devil! This is your want of appetite? You wanted me out of the room— You cou'dn't eat—I warrant you cou'd have eat me for ſtaying ſo long.

Laura. (alarm'd)

Dear ſir, that's—that's nothing but a paper to keep the heat from ſpoiling the teaboard —Nothing elſe.

Brum.

Spoiling the tea-board! Yes, yes, we'll ſee that.

(reads)

‘Captain Vain has promiſed to bring you to me within the courſe of the day— he wou'dn't communicate his ſcheme, but ſays he is certain he can contrive it. Be prepared to [30]aſſiſt him, and to give your hand to’—I have a mind to put irons on your hands, and to faſten you to the ground, if it wou'dn't hurt their colour. That varlet, Ralph, muſt have had a hand in this; but I'll after him, and turn him out of doors in a minute.

[Exit.
Laura.

What ſcheme can Vain have contrived? Be what it may, I will be prepared to aſſiſt it, ſince my guardian's cruelty leaves me no other hope of happineſs.

AIR.
LAURA.
Could I bid the fond paſſion to ceaſe,
Which ſo long ev'ry thought has employ'd,
Or cou'd moments reſtore the ſoft peace,
Which the anguiſh of hours has deſtroy'd,
From my love I wou'd chearfully, chearfully part:
But alas! it lies deep—Ah! deep in my heart.

SCENE—The ſtreet before BRUMMAGEM's Houſe.

Enter CHEERLY with Sailors.
Cheerly.

Come, come along, my lads! heave ahead. Three cheers under my miſtreſs's window, and then away.

(Sailors appear diſſatisfied with Cheerly.)

What! ſlack in ſtays! Why, do you think Cheerly prefers his miſtreſs to his duty? No, no, my lads! My country;s ſervice—you rewarded, —and then my love. Ah! cou'd but my dear little girl and I be laſh'd alongſide each other before we part I ſhou'd be content. Vain has engaged [31]that I ſhall have her; but as he will not tell me his ſcheme, his conceit makes him unfit to be relied on. But hope is the ſtring that rides a ſailor's heart—So, heave a-head, my lads—One farewell at the window, and if the wind comes about a point to-morrow, we'll weigh, and then for Arethuſa's glory.

AIR.
CHEERLY.
Come, all ye jolly ſailors bold,
Whoſe hearts are caſt in honor's mould,
While Engliſh glory I unfold,
Huzza to the Arethuſa!
She is a frigate tight and brave,
As ever ſtemm'd the daſhing wave.
Her men are ſtaunch
To their favorite launch;
And when the foe ſhall meet our fire,
Sooner than ſtrike, we'll all expire
On board of the Arethuſa.
'Twas with the ſpring fleet ſhe went out,
The Engliſh Channel to cruiſe about,
When four French ſail in ſhew ſo ſtout
Bore down on the Arethuſa.
The fam'd Belle Poule ſtraight a head did lie;
The Arethuſa ſeem'd to fly:
Not a ſheet or a tack,
Or a brace did ſhe ſlack,
Tho' the Frenchmen laugh'd, and thought it ſtuff:
But the knew not the handful of men how tough
On board of the Arethuſa.
[32] On deck five hundred men did dance,
The ſtouteſt they could find in France:
We with two hundred did advance
On board of the Arethuſa.
Our captain hail'd the Frenchman, "Ho!"
The Frenchman then cried out "Hallo!"—
"Bear down, d'ye ſee,
"To our admiral's lee."
"No, no," ſays the Frenchman, "that can't be."—
"Then I muſt lug you along with me,"
Says the ſaucy Arethuſa.
The fight was off the Frenchman's land.
We forc'd them back upon their ſtrand;
For we fought till not a ſtick wou'd ſtand
Of the gallant Arethuſa.
And now we've driven the foe aſhore,
Never to fight with Britons more,
Let each fill a glaſs
To his favorite laſs:
A health to our captain, and officers true,
And all that belong to the jovial crew
On board of the Arethuſa.
[Exeunt.

SCENE IV. Apartment, with the Door that covers the Iron grating.

BRUMMAGEM alone.

I'm glad I've got rid of that ſimpleton, Ralph. He was a good ſervant enough while his mouth was ſhut; but he never opened it, except to eat or to ſpeak the truth,—two abominable qualities.—I ſhall do better without him—I could never have taught [33]him to tell a lie with a good grace: and that's all in all.

Enter FANNY.

Well, is Ralph gone out of the houſe?

Fanny.

Yes, ſir; he went directly. There is a perſon who ſays he is a ſteward to Mr. Morget or Gorget, or ſome ſuch name.

Brum.

How little ſhe knows of a grandee! M'Gorget, you blockhead.—Shew the ſteward up.

[Exit Fanny.

That's lucky enough. Now I can tell the ſteward a few anecdotes to ſerve my own ends, and perhaps make friends of him before his maſter arrives. What airs he gives himſelf on the ſtairs! He ſeems confoundedly important—damn'd proud! O, that's a good ſign—He is rich as Croeſus, I dare ſay.

Enter RALPH in a large wig, dreſt as a Steward.
Ralph. (pertly)

Your ſervant, ſir.

Brum.

Sir, your moſt obedient, moſt devoted, moſt obſequious ſervant.

Ralph.

They told me you had been at the inn to aſk for me—My lord, ſir Andrew, I hear, intends to make a gentlewoman of your niece.

Brum.

I hope, ſir, he will find ſhe is the daughter of a gentleman.

Ralph.

Oh yes, they told me you were a gentleman's family—Brummagem, I believe.

Brum.

Yes, ſir, my name is Brummagem— [34]How ſaucy theſe rich fellows are! Yes, ſir. My friend, M'Gorget—I'll be a little familiar too.

Ralph.

Sir Andrew M'Gorget you mean, ſir— My maſter does not like to be called Mac.

Brum. (aſide)

Muſt be very rich, to be ſure— I begin to feel great reſpect for him.

Ralph.

The caſe I underſtand to be—Brummagem—

Brum.

Would you be pleas'd to take a cup of chocolate, ſir?

Ralph.

Yes—go fetch it.

Brum.

No, I will ſend for it at leaſt—Fanny, bring chocolate.

[Exit Fanny.

(aſide)

I muſt give myſelf a few airs—I am ſorry you have only a female to wait on you at preſent.

(FANNY enters with chocolate.)

I have been obliged to ſend away an impudent varlet this morning, whom i could not keep in the houſe for his vile love of lying—never could ſpeak the truth; but, poor fellow! I am ſo good to them all, that I dare ſay he'll ſoon be back again.

(Fanny brings down table and two chairs. They ſit.)
[Exit Fanny.
Ralph. (aſide)

Ay, before you think of it, old rogue.

(Taking his chocolate)

Pho! this is too hot, it burns my mouth.

Brum.

It may be a little too hot; but this, ſir, is ſome of the moſt extraordinary chocolate that, I ſuppoſe, was ever fabricated. This is the vanilla [35]triloba toxicodendra. This abſolutely comes from the magazine of the firſt chocolate-maker in China, and has been in my houſe theſe nine years.

Ralph. (aſide)

I fetch'd it myſelf from the chandler's ſhop this morning.

Enter FANNY (agitated).
Fanny.

Sir, there's a gentleman come—

Brum.

What's the matter with the girl? Take breath.

Fanny.

I ran up ſtairs, ſir, to tell you—I believe he was not expected ſo ſoon, ſir. Sir Andrew M'Gorget is come.

Ralph.

How! the deuce! Sir Andrew come!

Brum.

Oh Lord! I'll run to receive him—

(they riſe)

Where is he?

Fanny.

Juſt coming in at the court-gate.

[Exit.
Brum.

Here, come along, Mr. What's-your-name? —I'll go before you—I'll be the firſt to receive ſir Andrew.

Ralph.

Oh the devil! how ſhall I ever get out of this room again? I may ſave myſelf the trouble of thinking about it, becauſe I ſhall be ſure to be kick'd out.

Enter VAIN (dreſt as M'Gorget in a Spaniſh dreſs, with an immenſe hat on, followed by two Pages in fine Liveries: they bow to each other, and make the uſual compliments).
Vain.

Boy, take my ſombrero!

(gives firſt page his hat)
Brum.
[36]

Thoſe great hats muſt be very fatiguing in a long journey, ſir Andrew.

Vain.

To my pages they may be—it is their buſinſs to be fatigued. No grandee in Spain, where I have been, ever takes any fatigue.

Brum.

What a bleſſed country!

Vain.

You ſeem to be ſtudying my dreſs. I imagine it ſurprizes you in this country.—

(aſide)

I hope he does not ſuſpect that Selina pilfered it from his own muſeum.

Brum.

I proteſt, ſir Andrew, I don't know you in it.

Vain. (aſide)

No, I truſt not.—I don't wonder at that, Mr. Brummagem. The alteration it makes is aſtoniſhing. This is the exact dreſs of the noble Spaniards.

Brum.

Ay, I have one which deſcended into my poſſeſſion by means of a great uncle of mine who lived in Spain, and had it preſented to him by the queen at a bull-fight—But I thought at preſent the mode was altered.

Vain.

Not with the grandees. They are obliged indeed by the laws to have other cloaths; but they wear them by proxy.

Brum.

Proxy!

Vain.

We nobles in Spain do every thing by proxy. For inſtance now, you think I carry no flaps to my coat, no pockets.

Brum.

I ſee none.

Vain.

Moziganga!

Firſt Page.
[37]

Here, ſir.

Vain.

Flaminy noſamo.

(Page pulls outs a clean handkerchief: Vain wipes his face with it, and returns it to the page, who bows and retires.)

Brixemarti!

Second Page.

Here, ſir.

Vain.

Tobacco my noſamo.

(Page opens and offers a ſnuff-box. Vain takes a pinch, and page retires; Brum. takes a pinch at the ſame time.)

There, my dear friend—You ſee that is carrying things in my pocket by proxy—

(Brum. ſneezes)

May you live a thouſand years!

Brum.

Eh!

Vain.

Excuſe me: that's a common phraſe in Spain—It means, bleſs you, or thank you. But ſpeaking of the grandees of Spain, every thing, as I ſaid, is by proxy—They receive and pay viſits by proxy, and in ſhort, perform moſt of the duties of ſociety by proxy.

Brum.

Give me leave to aſk one queſtion.

Vain.

Live a thouſand years. Pray aſk me, ſir.

Brum.

Do they eat and drink by proxy?

Vain.

Not abſolutely. But, my dear friend, [38]how is your charming niece? Who is this gentleman? Probably one of your friends?

(ſeeing Ralph).
Ralph.

So! now I ſhall be finely blown.

(aſide)
Brum.

Odſo! I forgot to mention to you, that your ſteward was arrived. The joy of ſeeing you quite put him out of my head.

Vain.

My ſteward!

Brum.

Aye, don't you ſee him? Yonder he is.

Vain.

Yes, yes, I ſee him.—

(aſide)

I ſee I'm got into a pretty ſcrape.

(Turns away from Ralph, who does the ſame from him).
Brum.

This impudent ſteward takes no notice of his maſter.

Ralph.

Mr. Brummagem!

(calls Brum. who goes to him).
Brum.

Well, what do you ſay?

Ralph.

Does my maſter know that I am here?

Brum.

To be ſure he does—I told him ſo juſt now. Don't you ſpeak to ſir Andrew?

Ralph. (keeping his back ſtill turned to Vain)

Perhaps ſir Andrew may not be at leiſure to be ſpoken to at preſent.

Brum.

He is mighty humble at once. I ſuppoſe theſe grandees of Spain claim the privilege of ſpeaking firſt.

Vain.

Brummagem!

Brum.

Sir Andrew!

(goes to the other ſide to Vain.
Vain.

Does my ſteward know that I am come?

Brum.
[39]

I believe he has not ſeen you; but what is his name? I'll call him to you.

Vain.

Plaguy-mi-damnamo.

Brum.

That's a damn'd odd name. Wo'n't you be pleas'd to let Plaguy-mi-damnamo approach you?

Vain.

No, by no means.

Brum.

Oh! I ſuppoſe he wo'n't ſpeak to him except by proxy. Would you wiſh I ſhould ſay any thing to him for you, to ſave you the fatigue of ſpeaking?

Vain.

Diſmiſs him, and bid him wait for me at the inn.

Brum. (croſſes the ſtage to Ralph)

Plaguy-mi-damnamo, ſir Andrew will let you approach him at the inn, and not at this houſe.

(Ralph runs out. Vain ſtill keeping his back turn'd to him.)

So! I ſee he wo'n't even look at the ſteward except by proxy.

Vain. (aſide)

That's well got rid of. That's my genius!

(to Brum)

But come, let us think of your charming niece—there is no time to be loſt— Have you ſettled the day and manner of the nuptials?

Brum.

As early a day as you pleaſe.

Vain.

To-day, if poſſible; and the ceremonials public.

Brum.

With all my heart. In what manner will you take her to church?

Vain.

By proxy.

Brum.
[40]

What! my niece by proxy?

Vain.

Yes; in a chariot and four able horſes, which ſhall be furniſhed from my own ſet, and two of my grooms on their backs.—

(aſide)

By this means Cheerly may carry her clear off before any alarm can be raiſed.

Brum.

Well, ſir Andrew, if this is your pleaſure, I ſhall certainly—

Vain.

Live a thouſand years!

Brum.

By proxy, I may, to be ſure. If you pleaſe, ſir, we'll ſtep in, and ſee my niece; ſhe's a little tired with a long walk ſhe has been taking in the fields,—I mean the park,—and looks a little paliſh.

(walks up to centre door—takes keys from his girdle)
Vain.

Bleſs me, my dear friend, you are very cautious!

(Ralph, Fanny, and Dolly appear, watching.)
Brum.

Why, the trouble of watching a young girl every minute is rather too much for an old man; ſo I employ theſe two proxies.

(ſhews keys)
Ralph.

But are you ſure of what you ſay of captain Vain?

Dolly.

Main ſure: I ſeed him talking with Mrs. Seliny.

Ralph.

It is he, ſure enough; ſo at laſt I know what theſe two keys belong to.

(enters, ſtrutting)
Vain.

Oh, a plague! this fellow again!

Brum.

How do you preſume to come back, ſir, in defiance of the will of your maſter, which I delivered as his proxy?

Ralph.
[41]

Why, ſir, do you take this for ſir Andrew?

Vain.

So! now, if my genius deſerts me—

Ralph.

You are impoſed on.

Brum.

How! impoſed on! What! are not you ſir Andrew M'Gorget?

Vain.

Certainly, ſir.

Ralph.

You my dear lord, the grandee, ſir Andrew?—Pray, ſir,

(to Brum.)

aſk him what town ſir Andrew lived at in Spain.—

(aſide)

It is beſt to be before-hand with him in theſe queſtions.

Brum.

Ay, very true; what town did you live at in Spain?

Vain.

The town, ſir? Why, the town, ſir—Oh, the town! Why, Barcelona, to be ſure.

Ralph.

There, ſir!—Was that the town?

Brum.

Why, yes, to be ſure, Barcelona was the town.

Ralph. (aſide)

The devil, it was! Let him anſwer in what ſhip he took his paſſage home.

(ſees Vain confuſed)

Oh, all is ſafe! Let him anſwer that.

Vain. (aſide)

I ſee this fellow muſt go ſnacks with me.—Give me leave, Brummagem.—Hark ye, ſteward!

(takes Ralph aſide)

I have a purpoſe to anſwer in paſſing for your maſter at preſent.—If you will go halves with me in a hundred pounds, you may.

Ralph.

Not I indeed!—

(aloud)

I dare ſay you have a purpoſe.

Vain. (in a low voice)

Now for heaven's ſake—

Ralph.
[42]

I go ſhares with you!

Vain.

Fifty pounds!

(low)
Ralph.

Leave the houſe directly, or—

(loud)
Vain.

Sixty!

(low)
Ralph.

I'll let Mr. Brummagem know,

(loud. Brum. comes near to them).
Vain.

A hundred!

(low)
Ralph.

That you are—

Vain.

The devil!

Ralph.

You may be, for aught I know—

Brum.

Mercy on me! What is all this?

Vain.

A plague of this unſeaſonable interruption! there is nothing left but decamping. Mr. Brummagem, you'll excuſe me—I'll take another opportunity.—Damn it! my genius has failed me.

(Brum. beats Vain off).
Ralph. (ſtill ſpeaking to him)

I have a great mind to let Mr. Brummagem know who you are.

Brum. (eagerly puis on his hat

Who is he? In the name of wonder, who is the dog?

Ralph.

His name is Vain.

Brum.

What! captain Vain? an impudent ſcoundrel!

Ralph.

To think of impoſing on you!

Brum.

With his "Live a thouſand years!"

Ralph.

A vulgar fellow! when no gentleman in Spain ever wiſhes you to live leſs than ten thouſand at leaſt.

Brum.

I begin to enjoy it now the danger's over. It will make a curious anecdote in my life —

(aſide)

with proper embelliſhments.

Ralph.
[43]

It reminds me of a ſingular circumſtance that ſir Andrew ſends me an account of in his laſt letter.

Brum.

Ay; what was that?

Ralph.

Why—but I keep you ſtanding.

(takes a chair, and ſits)

Pray, Brummy, no ceremonies.

Brum.

Egad, I ſee you uſe none.

(takes a chair likewiſe, and ſits)
Ralph.

Sir Andrew gives an account—I believe I have the letter in my pocket.

(takes a letter from his pocket).
Brum. (puts on his ſpectacles)

Ah! let me hear all that ſir Andrew ſays—

Ralph. (reads)

"A young man of this place"—

Brum.

Where is it dated? From Barcelona, Eh?

(peering over letter).
Ralph. (aſide)

It is lucky that I happen to know that—Oh, from Barcelona, certainly.—But why need I read? I'll tell it you—A young man was deſperately in love with a girl of good fortune; and the father denied his conſent, and wanted to marry her againſt her inclinations.

Brum.

More fool he. Well!

Ralph.

Wherefore they laid a ſcheme to join the young people's hands, under the father's noſe.

Brum.

Ah! and how did they manage it?

Ralph.

One day the old man comes home as uſual, with a hat as large

(takes Brum.'s hat from his head)

aye, larger than yours,

(puts the hat on the table, making ſigns occaſionally as to ſome one without)

and [44]ſeeing ſome ſtrangers coming about the houſe, takes up his cane, that he always carried as you do,

(takes cane from Brummagem's hand)

This is a gold head.

Brum.

Oh, the pureſt gold of Spain. It was given to my grandfather, by the—

Ralph.

Ay, no matter: I thought as much. Well, he takes his cane, and runs to his coffers where he kept his money; for ſir Andrew ſays he did not ſuſpect the deſign on his daughter.

Brum.

Oh! a ſimpleton.

Ralph.

Quite a fool! Now his money was all faſt ſecured under two ſtout keys ſuch as theſe;

(takes the keys from Brummagem's girdle, dangles'em about, and lays them on the table)

and forth he ſets to beat the rogues from his coffers.

Brum.

Well, well.

Ralph.

In the mean time, while he was buſy at his coffers, a maid ſervant, coming behind his back,

(Fanny enters unobſerved by Brummagem—takes the keys off table, opens the door, which ſhe leaves unlockt, lays the keys down again on the table.)

takes the keys, goes to her young miſtreſs's door, opens it, lets the young lady know that her lover was waiting in the next room with a clergyman to marry them before they left the houſe.

Brum.

Well, there was ſome decency in the young folks at leaſt.

Ralph.

Oh! ſir Andrew ſays he was a moſt excellent young man.

Brum.

But ſuppoſe, now, the father had happened to meet the maid on this errand

(turning, ſees Fanny, [45]who had juſt replaced the keys)

—what do you want here, huſſey?

Fanny.

I came to ſee if you would have the chocolate-cup taken away, ſir.

Brum.

Oh, very well—Ay, by all means. This is ſome of the fineſt china that—

(Fanny carries out the cups)

But I ſay, my dear friend,

(replaces the keys in his girdle)

ſuppoſe he had met the maid.

Ralph.

Why, that would have been unlucky, to be ſure—But, as it happen'd, he never ſuſpected her.

Brum.

Well, and ſo—

Ralph.

The young lady was all in readineſs to ſly to her lover, but ſo overcome with fear, that ſhe durſt not venture to leave the room; upon which, her lover—

(Cheerly, conducted by Fanny, croſſes the ſtage unobſerv'd by Brummagem, and both go into Laura's room)

goes to her room to encourage—

(aſide)

So far all is ſafe.

Brum.

Oh, oh, my dear friend, but what!—All this happen before the father's face!

Ralph.

No, no, Brummy: you miſunderſtand me. They went behind the father's back.

Brum.

Egad, it is lucky the old gentleman didn't turn his head round. What a pretty kettle of fiſh there wou'd have been!

Ralph.

Oh, but then—Aye, very true—I had forgot to tell you one circumſtance. This ſcheme was managed by a rogue of a ſervant who played the old fool the moſt ludicrous trick—I cannot help laughing when I think of it—

(Brum. affects to laugh)

[46]I'll ſhew you how they contriv'd it.

(they turn towards each other).
Brum.

By all means. It's a good ſtory, I dare ſay.

Ralph.

Excellent! I'll ſhew you. Well, now, you ſhall ſuppoſe I am this rogue of a ſervant.

Brum.

Good.

Ralph.

And that you are the fool of a father.

Brum.

With all my heart.

Ralph.

Now I take your large hat—ſuch a one, we'll ſuppoſe, as this

(takes Brum.'s hat from table)

or larger, and I clap it entirely over your face.

(ties a handkerchief over the hat)

Now turn your head about, firſt on one ſide, then on the other ſide. What do you ſee?

Brum.

Nothing, to be ſure.

Ralph.

Well, while I keep this hat cloſe over your eyes, forth comes the whole proceſſion—firſt the maid ſervant with a bundle of her miſtreſs's cloaths;

(Fanny comes out of Laura's room with a bundle of cloaths, and exit. Cheerly and Laura following her).
Brum. (trying to lift up the hat, or peep from it)

Ay, very good.

Ralph.

Then the lover, ſupporting the poor frighten'd damſel;

Brum.

Ay, very good.

Ralph.

And laſtly ſhe herſelf, as anxious to eſcape as a priſoner for life from his priſon, but trembling with fear leſt her father ſhould hear her; for if he had, you know—

(Cheerly and Laura go off)

Ha, ha, ha! You know—

Brum.
[47]

Ha, ha!

(looking from behind the hat)

Very true; I comprehend you—How their hearts muſt have leapt when they got clear off!

Ralph.

Ay—and when their hands were inſtantly joined by the clergyman in the next room.

Brum.

A rare ſtory indeed! And very rarely contrived! Not like poor captain Vain's, with his fool's coat, and his thouſand years.

Ralph.

No; 'twas managed by a much cleverer fellow. You may take off the hat—the ſtory's over.

(takes off the hat)
Brum.

And where did this happen?

Ralph.

In Devonſhire.

Brum.

In Devonſhire! Why, you ſaid it was in Spain.

Ralph.

Aye, Devonſhire in Spain.

Brum.

And what ſort of an aſs is the old man?

Ralph.

Much ſuch another as yourſelf.

Brum.

As me?

Ralph.

His name's Brummagem.

Brum.

That's my name.

Ralph.

The ſame—Brummagem of Brummagem Hall.

Brum.

Why, that's me.

Ralph.

Yes, it is you; and the rogue of a ſervant is—me.

(pulls of his wig and diſcovers himſhelf)
Brum.

Oh, you wicked, raſcally—

Ralph.

Nay, you ſaid yourſelf it was a good ſtory; and I am ſure it has anſwered a very good purpoſe—Ha, ha, ha!—

(Brum. runs in, points to the door which is open, and returns immediately.)
Brum.
[48]

Eh! How! Why, is it poſſible? Oh! my niece is fled—Hollo! Fanny! Selina!

Enter CHEERLY, LAURA, RALPH, FANNY, &c.

FINALE.

(CHEERLY and LAURA kneel to BRUMMAGEM.)
Laura.
Dear ſir, a trembling bride forgive,
Still in your favour let me live.
Brum.

What! are you wed?

Laura.
—Behold the ring!
Your bleſſing to our pray's afford!
Brum.

What arms does Cheerly bear?

Cheerly.
— A ſword,
To ſerve old England and his king.
Chorus.

Dear ſir, a trembling bride forgive, &c.

Fanny.

Dear ſir, your faithful ſlaves forgive:

Ralph.
Still in your ſervice let me live,
And with my miſtreſs ſtay.
The arms I bear, you ſee, are two:
You may command all they can do;
So, turn me not away.
Chorus.
Dear ſir, your faithful ſlaves forgive:
Still in your ſervice let us live;
The arms we bear, you ſee, are two:
You may command all they can do;
So, turn us not away.
Brum.
Well, well—I know not what to ſay.
I fancy I muſt let you ſtay,
And muſt your faults forgive:
For titles wedded, or for love,
The wiſeſt they at laſt will prove,
Who ſhall the happieſt live.
Chorus.

For titles wedded, or for love, &c.

THE END.
Notes
*
A vulgar appellation given to a pawnbroker.
Distributed by the University of Oxford under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License