Scene 2
Enter Prince , Poins , Bardolph , and Peto .
POINS
Come , shelter , shelter ! I have removed Falstaff’s
horse , and he frets like a gummed velvet .
PRINCE
Stand close .
Poins , Bardolph , and Peto exit .
Enter Falstaff .
FALSTAFF
Poins ! Poins , and be hanged ! Poins !
PRINCE
Peace , you fat-kidneyed rascal . What a brawling
dost thou keep !
FALSTAFF
Where’s Poins , Hal ?
PRINCE
He is walked up to the top of the hill . I’ll go
seek him .
Prince exits .
FALSTAFF
I am accursed to rob in that thief’s company .
The rascal hath removed my horse and tied him I
know not where . If I travel but four foot by the
square further afoot , I shall break my wind . Well , I
[59] ACT 2. SC. 2 doubt not but to die a fair death for all this , if I
’scape hanging for killing that rogue . I have forsworn
his company hourly any time this two-and-twenty
years , and yet I am bewitched with the
rogue’s company . If the rascal have not given me
medicines to make me love him , I’ll be hanged . It
could not be else : I have drunk medicines . — Poins !
Hal ! A plague upon you both . — Bardolph ! Peto ! —
I’ll starve ere I’ll rob a foot further . An ’twere not as
good a deed as drink to turn true man and to leave
these rogues , I am the veriest varlet that ever
chewed with a tooth . Eight yards of uneven ground
is threescore and ten miles afoot with me , and the
stony-hearted villains know it well enough . A plague
upon it when thieves cannot be true one to another !
( They whistle , within . ) Whew ! A plague upon you
all !
Enter the Prince , Poins , Peto , and Bardolph .
Give me my horse , you rogues . Give me my horse
and be hanged !
PRINCE
Peace , you fat guts ! Lie down , lay thine ear
close to the ground , and list if thou canst hear the
tread of travelers .
FALSTAFF
Have you any levers to lift me up again being
down ? ’Sblood , I’ll not bear my own flesh so
far afoot again for all the coin in thy father’s Exchequer .
What a plague mean you to colt me
thus ?
PRINCE
Thou liest . Thou art not colted ; thou art
uncolted .
FALSTAFF
I prithee , good Prince Hal , help me to my
horse , good king’s son .
PRINCE
Out , you rogue ! Shall I be your ostler ?
FALSTAFF
Hang thyself in thine own heir-apparent
garters ! If I be ta’en , I’ll peach for this . An I have
[61] ACT 2. SC. 2 not ballads made on you all and sung to filthy
tunes , let a cup of sack be my poison — when a jest
is so forward , and afoot too ! I hate it .
Enter Gadshill .
GADSHILL
Stand .
FALSTAFF
So I do , against my will .
POINS
O , ’tis our setter . I know his voice .
BARDOLPH
What news ?
GADSHILL
Case you , case you . On with your vizards .
There’s money of the King’s coming down the hill .
’Tis going to the King’s Exchequer .
FALSTAFF
You lie , you rogue . ’Tis going to the King’s
Tavern .
GADSHILL
There’s enough to make us all .
FALSTAFF
To be hanged .
PRINCE
Sirs , you four shall front them in the narrow
lane . Ned Poins and I will walk lower . If they ’scape
from your encounter , then they light on us .
PETO
How many be there of them ?
GADSHILL
Some eight or ten .
FALSTAFF
Zounds , will they not rob us ?
PRINCE
What , a coward , Sir John Paunch ?
FALSTAFF
Indeed , I am not John of Gaunt , your grandfather ,
but yet no coward , Hal .
PRINCE
Well , we leave that to the proof .
POINS
Sirrah Jack , thy horse stands behind the hedge .
When thou need’st him , there thou shalt find him .
Farewell and stand fast .
FALSTAFF
Now cannot I strike him , if I should be
hanged .
PRINCE
, aside to Poins
Ned , where are our disguises ?
POINS
, aside to Prince
Here , hard by . Stand close .
The Prince and Poins exit .
FALSTAFF
Now , my masters , happy man be his dole ,
say I . Every man to his business .
They step aside .
[63]ACT 2. SC. 2
Enter the Travelers .
FIRST TRAVELER
Come , neighbor , the boy shall lead
our horses down the hill . We’ll walk afoot awhile
and ease our legs .
THIEVES
, advancing
Stand !
TRAVELERS
Jesus bless us !
FALSTAFF
Strike ! Down with them ! Cut the villains’
throats ! Ah , whoreson caterpillars , bacon-fed
knaves , they hate us youth . Down with them !
Fleece them !
TRAVELERS
O , we are undone , both we and ours
forever !
FALSTAFF
Hang , you gorbellied knaves ! Are you undone ?
No , you fat chuffs . I would your store were
here . On , bacons , on ! What , you knaves , young men
must live . You are grandjurors , are you ? We’ll jure
you , faith .
Here they rob them and bind them .
They all exit .
Enter the Prince and Poins , disguised .
PRINCE
The thieves have bound the true men . Now
could thou and I rob the thieves and go merrily to
London , it would be argument for a week , laughter
for a month , and a good jest forever .
POINS
Stand close , I hear them coming .
They step aside .
Enter the Thieves again .
FALSTAFF
Come , my masters , let us share , and then to
horse before day . An the Prince and Poins be not
two arrant cowards , there’s no equity stirring .
There’s no more valor in that Poins than in a wild
duck .
As they are sharing , the Prince
and Poins set upon them .
[65]ACT 2. SC. 3
PRINCE
Your money !
POINS
Villains !
They all run away , and Falstaff , after a blow or two ,
runs away too , leaving the booty behind them .
PRINCE
Got with much ease . Now merrily to horse .
The thieves are all scattered , and possessed with
fear
So strongly that they dare not meet each other .
Each takes his fellow for an officer .
Away , good Ned . Falstaff sweats to death ,
And lards the lean earth as he walks along .
Were ’t not for laughing , I should pity him .
POINS
How the fat rogue roared !
They exit .
Scene 3
Enter Hotspur alone , reading a letter .
HOTSPUR
But , for mine own part , my lord , I could be
well contented to be there , in respect of the love I
bear your house . He could be contented ; why is he
not , then ? In respect of the love he bears our
house — he shows in this he loves his own barn
better than he loves our house . Let me see some
more .
The purpose you undertake is dangerous . Why , that’s certain . ’Tis dangerous to take a cold ,
to sleep , to drink ; but I tell you , my Lord Fool , out
of this nettle , danger , we pluck this flower , safety .
The purpose you undertake is dangerous , the friends
you have named uncertain , the time itself unsorted ,
and your whole plot too light for the counterpoise
of so great an opposition . Say you so , say you so ?
I say unto you again , you are a shallow , cowardly
hind , and you lie . What a lack-brain is this ! By
[67] ACT 2. SC. 3 the Lord , our plot is a good plot as ever was laid ,
our friends true and constant — a good plot ,
good friends , and full of expectation ; an excellent
plot , very good friends . What a frosty-spirited
rogue is this ! Why , my Lord of York commends
the plot and the general course of the action .
Zounds , an I were now by this rascal , I could brain
him with his lady’s fan . Is there not my father , my
uncle , and myself , Lord Edmund Mortimer , my
Lord of York , and Owen Glendower ? Is there not
besides the Douglas ? Have I not all their letters to
meet me in arms by the ninth of the next month ,
and are they not some of them set forward already ?
What a pagan rascal is this — an infidel ! Ha , you
shall see now , in very sincerity of fear and cold
heart , will he to the King and lay open all our
proceedings . O , I could divide myself and go to
buffets for moving such a dish of skim milk with so
honorable an action ! Hang him , let him tell the
King . We are prepared . I will set forward tonight .
Enter his Lady .
How now , Kate ? I must leave you within these two
hours .
LADY PERCY
O my good lord , why are you thus alone ?
For what offense have I this fortnight been
A banished woman from my Harry’s bed ?
Tell me , sweet lord , what is ’t that takes from thee
Thy stomach , pleasure , and thy golden sleep ?
Why dost thou bend thine eyes upon the earth
And start so often when thou sit’st alone ?
Why hast thou lost the fresh blood in thy cheeks
And given my treasures and my rights of thee
To thick-eyed musing and curst melancholy ?
In thy faint slumbers I by thee have watched ,
[69] ACT 2. SC. 3 And heard thee murmur tales of iron wars ,
Speak terms of manage to thy bounding steed ,
Cry ‘Courage ! To the field !’ And thou hast talked
Of sallies and retires , of trenches , tents ,
Of palisadoes , frontiers , parapets ,
Of basilisks , of cannon , culverin ,
Of prisoners’ ransom , and of soldiers slain ,
And all the currents of a heady fight .
Thy spirit within thee hath been so at war ,
And thus hath so bestirred thee in thy sleep ,
That beads of sweat have stood upon thy brow
Like bubbles in a late-disturbèd stream ,
And in thy face strange motions have appeared ,
Such as we see when men restrain their breath
On some great sudden hest . O , what portents are
these ?
Some heavy business hath my lord in hand ,
And I must know it , else he loves me not .
HOTSPUR
What , ho !
Enter a Servant .
Is Gilliams with the packet gone ?
SERVANT
He is , my lord , an hour ago .
HOTSPUR
Hath Butler brought those horses from the sheriff ?
SERVANT
One horse , my lord , he brought even now .
HOTSPUR
What horse ? A roan , a crop-ear , is it not ?
SERVANT
It is , my lord .
HOTSPUR
That roan shall be my throne .
Well , I will back him straight . O , Esperance !
Bid Butler lead him forth into the park .
Servant exits .
[71]ACT 2. SC. 3
LADY PERCY
But hear you , my lord .
HOTSPUR
What say’st thou , my lady ?
LADY PERCY
What is it carries you away ?
HOTSPUR
Why , my horse , my love , my horse .
LADY PERCY
Out , you mad-headed ape !
A weasel hath not such a deal of spleen
As you are tossed with . In faith ,
I’ll know your business , Harry , that I will .
I fear my brother Mortimer doth stir
About his title , and hath sent for you
To line his enterprise ; but if you go —
HOTSPUR
So far afoot , I shall be weary , love .
LADY PERCY
Come , come , you paraquito , answer me
Directly unto this question that I ask .
In faith , I’ll break thy little finger , Harry ,
An if thou wilt not tell me all things true .
HOTSPUR
Away !
Away , you trifler . Love , I love thee not .
I care not for thee , Kate . This is no world
To play with mammets and to tilt with lips .
We must have bloody noses and cracked crowns ,
And pass them current too . — Gods me , my horse ! —
What say’st thou , Kate ? What wouldst thou have
with me ?
LADY PERCY
Do you not love me ? Do you not indeed ?
Well , do not then , for since you love me not ,
I will not love myself . Do you not love me ?
Nay , tell me if you speak in jest or no .
HOTSPUR
Come , wilt thou see me ride ?
And when I am a-horseback I will swear
I love thee infinitely . But hark you , Kate ,
I must not have you henceforth question me
Whither I go , nor reason whereabout .
[73] ACT 2. SC. 4 Whither I must , I must ; and to conclude
This evening must I leave you , gentle Kate .
I know you wise , but yet no farther wise
Than Harry Percy’s wife ; constant you are ,
But yet a woman ; and for secrecy
No lady closer , for I well believe
Thou wilt not utter what thou dost not know ,
And so far will I trust thee , gentle Kate .
LADY PERCY
How ? So far ?
HOTSPUR
Not an inch further . But hark you , Kate ,
Whither I go , thither shall you go too .
Today will I set forth , tomorrow you .
Will this content you , Kate ?
LADY PERCY
It must , of force .
They exit .
Scene 4
Enter Prince and Poins .
PRINCE
Ned , prithee , come out of that fat room and
lend me thy hand to laugh a little .
POINS
Where hast been , Hal ?
PRINCE
With three or four loggerheads amongst three
or fourscore hogsheads . I have sounded the very
bass string of humility . Sirrah , I am sworn brother
to a leash of drawers , and can call them all by their
Christian names , as Tom , Dick , and Francis . They
take it already upon their salvation that though I be
but Prince of Wales , yet I am the king of courtesy ,
and tell me flatly I am no proud jack , like Falstaff ,
but a Corinthian , a lad of mettle , a good boy — by
the Lord , so they call me — and when I am king of
England , I shall command all the good lads in
Eastcheap . They call drinking deep ‘dyeing scarlet ,’
[75] ACT 2. SC. 4 and when you breathe in your watering , they
cry ‘Hem !’ and bid you ‘Play it off !’ To conclude , I
am so good a proficient in one quarter of an hour
that I can drink with any tinker in his own language
during my life . I tell thee , Ned , thou hast lost much
honor that thou wert not with me in this action ; but ,
sweet Ned — to sweeten which name of Ned , I give
thee this pennyworth of sugar , clapped even now
into my hand by an underskinker , one that never
spake other English in his life than ‘Eight shillings
and sixpence ,’ and ‘You are welcome ,’ with this
shrill addition , ‘Anon , anon , sir . — Score a pint of
bastard in the Half-moon ,’ or so . But , Ned , to
drive away the time till Falstaff come , I prithee , do
thou stand in some by-room while I question my
puny drawer to what end he gave me the sugar , and
do thou never leave calling ‘Francis ,’ that his tale
to me may be nothing but ‘Anon .’ Step aside , and
I’ll show thee a precedent .
Poins exits .
POINS
, within
Francis !
PRINCE
Thou art perfect .
POINS
, within
Francis !
Enter Francis , the Drawer .
FRANCIS
Anon , anon , sir . — Look down into the Pomgarnet ,
Ralph .
PRINCE
Come hither , Francis .
FRANCIS
My lord ?
PRINCE
How long hast thou to serve , Francis ?
FRANCIS
Forsooth , five years , and as much as to —
POINS
, within
Francis !
FRANCIS
Anon , anon , sir .
PRINCE
Five year ! By ’r Lady , a long lease for the
clinking of pewter ! But , Francis , darest thou be
so valiant as to play the coward with thy indenture ,
and show it a fair pair of heels , and run
from it ?
[77]ACT 2. SC. 4
FRANCIS
O Lord , sir , I’ll be sworn upon all the books
in England , I could find in my heart —
POINS
, within
Francis !
FRANCIS
Anon , sir .
PRINCE
How old art thou , Francis ?
FRANCIS
Let me see . About Michaelmas next , I shall
be —
POINS
, within
Francis !
FRANCIS
Anon , sir . — Pray , stay a little , my lord .
PRINCE
Nay , but hark you , Francis , for the sugar thou
gavest me — ’twas a pennyworth , was ’t not ?
FRANCIS
O Lord , I would it had been two !
PRINCE
I will give thee for it a thousand pound . Ask
me when thou wilt , and thou shalt have it .
POINS
, within
Francis !
FRANCIS
Anon , anon .
PRINCE
Anon , Francis ? No , Francis . But tomorrow ,
Francis ; or , Francis , o’ Thursday ; or indeed , Francis ,
when thou wilt . But , Francis —
FRANCIS
My lord ?
PRINCE
Wilt thou rob this leathern-jerkin , crystal-button ,
not-pated , agate-ring , puke-stocking , caddis-garter ,
smooth-tongue , Spanish-pouch —
FRANCIS
O Lord , sir , who do you mean ?
PRINCE
Why then , your brown bastard is your only
drink , for look you , Francis , your white canvas
doublet will sully . In Barbary , sir , it cannot come to
so much .
FRANCIS
What , sir ?
POINS
, within
Francis !
PRINCE
Away , you rogue ! Dost thou not hear them
call ?
Here they both call him . The Drawer stands amazed ,
not knowing which way to go .
Enter Vintner .
[79]ACT 2. SC. 4
VINTNER
What , stand’st thou still and hear’st such a
calling ? Look to the guests within . Francis exits .
My lord , old Sir John with half a dozen more are at
the door . Shall I let them in ?
PRINCE
Let them alone awhile , and then open the
door . Vintner exits . Poins !
Enter Poins .
POINS
Anon , anon , sir .
PRINCE
Sirrah , Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are
at the door . Shall we be merry ?
POINS
As merry as crickets , my lad . But hark you ,
what cunning match have you made with this jest
of the drawer . Come , what’s the issue ?
PRINCE
I am now of all humors that have showed
themselves humors since the old days of Goodman
Adam to the pupil age of this present twelve
o’clock at midnight .
Enter Francis , in haste .
What’s o’clock , Francis ?
FRANCIS
Anon , anon , sir .
Francis exits .
PRINCE
That ever this fellow should have fewer words
than a parrot , and yet the son of a woman ! His
industry is upstairs and downstairs , his eloquence
the parcel of a reckoning . I am not yet of Percy’s
mind , the Hotspur of the north , he that kills me
some six or seven dozen of Scots at a breakfast ,
washes his hands , and says to his wife ‘Fie upon
this quiet life ! I want work .’ ‘O my sweet Harry ,’
says she , ‘how many hast thou killed today ?’
‘Give my roan horse a drench ,’ says he , and answers
‘Some fourteen ,’ an hour after . ‘A trifle , a
trifle .’ I prithee , call in Falstaff . I’ll play Percy ,
and that damned brawn shall play Dame Mortimer
his wife . ‘Rivo !’ says the drunkard . Call in
Ribs , call in Tallow .
[81]ACT 2. SC. 4
Enter Falstaff , Gadshill , Peto , Bardolph ;
and Francis , with wine .
POINS
Welcome , Jack . Where hast thou been ?
FALSTAFF
A plague of all cowards , I say , and a vengeance
too ! Marry and amen ! — Give me a cup of
sack , boy . — Ere I lead this life long , I’ll sew netherstocks
and mend them , and foot them too . A plague
of all cowards ! — Give me a cup of sack , rogue ! — Is
there no virtue extant ?
He drinketh .
PRINCE
Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of
butter — pitiful-hearted Titan ! — that melted at the
sweet tale of the sun’s ? If thou didst , then behold
that compound .
FALSTAFF
, to Francis
You rogue , here’s lime in this
sack too . — There is nothing but roguery to be
found in villainous man , yet a coward is worse than
a cup of sack with lime in it . A villainous coward ! Go
thy ways , old Jack . Die when thou wilt . If manhood ,
good manhood , be not forgot upon the face of the
Earth , then am I a shotten herring . There lives not
three good men unhanged in England , and one of
them is fat and grows old , God help the while . A bad
world , I say . I would I were a weaver . I could sing
psalms , or anything . A plague of all cowards , I say
still .
PRINCE
How now , woolsack , what mutter you ?
FALSTAFF
A king’s son ! If I do not beat thee out of thy
kingdom with a dagger of lath , and drive all thy
subjects afore thee like a flock of wild geese , I’ll
never wear hair on my face more . You , Prince of
Wales !
PRINCE
Why , you whoreson round man , what’s the
matter ?
FALSTAFF
Are not you a coward ? Answer me to that —
and Poins there ?
[83]ACT 2. SC. 4
POINS
Zounds , you fat paunch , an you call me coward ,
by the Lord , I’ll stab thee .
FALSTAFF
I call thee coward ? I’ll see thee damned ere
I call thee coward , but I would give a thousand
pound I could run as fast as thou canst . You are
straight enough in the shoulders you care not who
sees your back . Call you that backing of your
friends ? A plague upon such backing ! Give me them
that will face me . — Give me a cup of sack . — I am a
rogue if I drunk today .
PRINCE
O villain , thy lips are scarce wiped since thou
drunk’st last .
FALSTAFF
All is one for that . ( He drinketh . ) A plague of
all cowards , still say I .
PRINCE
What’s the matter ?
FALSTAFF
What’s the matter ? There be four of us here
have ta’en a thousand pound this day morning .
PRINCE
Where is it , Jack , where is it ?
FALSTAFF
Where is it ? Taken from us it is . A hundred
upon poor four of us .
PRINCE
What , a hundred , man ?
FALSTAFF
I am a rogue if I were not at half-sword
with a dozen of them two hours together . I have
’scaped by miracle . I am eight times thrust through
the doublet , four through the hose , my buckler
cut through and through , my sword hacked like
a handsaw . Ecce signum ! I never dealt better since
I was a man . All would not do . A plague of
all cowards ! Let them speak . Pointing to Gadshill ,
Bardolph , and Peto . If they speak more or
less than truth , they are villains , and the sons of
darkness .
PRINCE
Speak , sirs , how was it ?
BARDOLPH
We four set upon some dozen .
FALSTAFF
Sixteen at least , my lord .
BARDOLPH
And bound them .
[85]ACT 2. SC. 4
PETO
No , no , they were not bound .
FALSTAFF
You rogue , they were bound , every man of
them , or I am a Jew else , an Ebrew Jew .
BARDOLPH
As we were sharing , some six or seven
fresh men set upon us .
FALSTAFF
And unbound the rest , and then come in the
other .
PRINCE
What , fought you with them all ?
FALSTAFF
All ? I know not what you call all , but if I
fought not with fifty of them I am a bunch of
radish . If there were not two- or three-and-fifty
upon poor old Jack , then am I no two-legged
creature .
PRINCE
Pray God you have not murdered some of
them .
FALSTAFF
Nay , that’s past praying for . I have peppered
two of them . Two I am sure I have paid , two rogues
in buckram suits . I tell thee what , Hal , if I tell thee a
lie , spit in my face , call me horse . Thou knowest my
old ward . Here I lay , and thus I bore my point . Four
rogues in buckram let drive at me .
PRINCE
What , four ? Thou said’st but two even now .
FALSTAFF
Four , Hal , I told thee four .
POINS
Ay , ay , he said four .
FALSTAFF
These four came all afront , and mainly
thrust at me . I made me no more ado , but took all
their seven points in my target , thus .
PRINCE
Seven ? Why there were but four even now .
FALSTAFF
In buckram ?
POINS
Ay , four in buckram suits .
FALSTAFF
Seven by these hilts , or I am a villain else .
PRINCE
, to Poins
Prithee , let him alone . We shall have
more anon .
FALSTAFF
Dost thou hear me , Hal ?
PRINCE
Ay , and mark thee too , Jack .
[87]ACT 2. SC. 4
FALSTAFF
Do so , for it is worth the listening to . These
nine in buckram that I told thee of —
PRINCE
So , two more already .
FALSTAFF
Their points being broken —
POINS
Down fell their hose .
FALSTAFF
Began to give me ground , but I followed me
close , came in foot and hand , and , with a thought ,
seven of the eleven I paid .
PRINCE
O monstrous ! Eleven buckram men grown out
of two !
FALSTAFF
But as the devil would have it , three misbegotten
knaves in Kendal green came at my back ,
and let drive at me , for it was so dark , Hal , that thou
couldst not see thy hand .
PRINCE
These lies are like their father that begets
them , gross as a mountain , open , palpable . Why ,
thou claybrained guts , thou knotty-pated fool , thou
whoreson , obscene , greasy tallow-catch —
FALSTAFF
What , art thou mad ? Art thou mad ? Is not
the truth the truth ?
PRINCE
Why , how couldst thou know these men in
Kendal green when it was so dark thou couldst not
see thy hand ? Come , tell us your reason . What sayest
thou to this ?
POINS
Come , your reason , Jack , your reason .
FALSTAFF
What , upon compulsion ? Zounds , an I were
at the strappado or all the racks in the world , I
would not tell you on compulsion . Give you a
reason on compulsion ? If reasons were as plentiful
as blackberries , I would give no man a reason upon
compulsion , I .
PRINCE
I’ll be no longer guilty of this sin . This sanguine
coward , this bed-presser , this horse-backbreaker ,
this huge hill of flesh —
FALSTAFF
’Sblood , you starveling , you elfskin , you
dried neat’s tongue , you bull’s pizzle , you stockfish !
[89] ACT 2. SC. 4 O , for breath to utter what is like thee ! You tailor’s
yard , you sheath , you bowcase , you vile standing
tuck —
PRINCE
Well , breathe awhile , and then to it again , and
when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons ,
hear me speak but this .
POINS
Mark , Jack .
PRINCE
We two saw you four set on four , and bound
them and were masters of their wealth . Mark now
how a plain tale shall put you down . Then did we
two set on you four and , with a word , outfaced you
from your prize , and have it , yea , and can show it
you here in the house . And , Falstaff , you carried
your guts away as nimbly , with as quick dexterity ,
and roared for mercy , and still run and roared , as
ever I heard bull-calf . What a slave art thou to hack
thy sword as thou hast done , and then say it was in
fight ! What trick , what device , what starting-hole
canst thou now find out to hide thee from this open
and apparent shame ?
POINS
Come , let’s hear , Jack . What trick hast thou
now ?
FALSTAFF
By the Lord , I knew you as well as he that
made you . Why , hear you , my masters , was it for
me to kill the heir apparent ? Should I turn upon the
true prince ? Why , thou knowest I am as valiant as
Hercules , but beware instinct . The lion will not
touch the true prince . Instinct is a great matter .
I was now a coward on instinct . I shall think
the better of myself , and thee , during my life —
I for a valiant lion , and thou for a true prince .
But , by the Lord , lads , I am glad you have the
money . — Hostess , clap to the doors . — Watch tonight ,
pray tomorrow . Gallants , lads , boys , hearts
of gold , all the titles of good fellowship come to
you . What , shall we be merry ? Shall we have a play
extempore ?
[91]ACT 2. SC. 4
PRINCE
Content , and the argument shall be thy running
away .
FALSTAFF
Ah , no more of that , Hal , an thou lovest me .
Enter Hostess .
HOSTESS
O Jesu , my lord the Prince —
PRINCE
How now , my lady the hostess , what sayst thou
to me ?
HOSTESS
Marry , my lord , there is a nobleman of the
court at door would speak with you . He says he
comes from your father .
PRINCE
Give him as much as will make him a royal
man and send him back again to my mother .
FALSTAFF
What manner of man is he ?
HOSTESS
An old man .
FALSTAFF
What doth Gravity out of his bed at midnight ?
Shall I give him his answer ?
PRINCE
Prithee do , Jack .
FALSTAFF
Faith , and I’ll send him packing .
He exits .
PRINCE
Now , sirs .
To Gadshill .
By ’r Lady , you fought
fair . — So did you , Peto . — So did you , Bardolph . —
You are lions too . You ran away upon instinct . You
will not touch the true prince . No , fie !
BARDOLPH
Faith , I ran when I saw others run .
PRINCE
Faith , tell me now in earnest , how came Falstaff’s
sword so hacked ?
PETO
Why , he hacked it with his dagger and said he
would swear truth out of England but he would
make you believe it was done in fight , and persuaded
us to do the like .
BARDOLPH
Yea , and to tickle our noses with speargrass
to make them bleed , and then to beslubber our
garments with it , and swear it was the blood of true
men . I did that I did not this seven year before : I
blushed to hear his monstrous devices .
PRINCE
O villain , thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen
[93] ACT 2. SC. 4 years ago , and wert taken with the manner , and ever
since thou hast blushed extempore . Thou hadst fire
and sword on thy side , and yet thou ran’st away .
What instinct hadst thou for it ?
BARDOLPH
My lord , do you see these meteors ? Do you
behold these exhalations ?
PRINCE
I do .
BARDOLPH
What think you they portend ?
PRINCE
Hot livers and cold purses .
BARDOLPH
Choler , my lord , if rightly taken .
PRINCE
No . If rightly taken , halter .
Enter Falstaff .
Here comes lean Jack . Here comes bare-bone . —
How now , my sweet creature of bombast ? How long
is ’t ago , Jack , since thou sawest thine own knee ?
FALSTAFF
My own knee ? When I was about thy years ,
Hal , I was not an eagle’s talon in the waist . I could
have crept into any alderman’s thumb-ring . A
plague of sighing and grief ! It blows a man up like a
bladder . There’s villainous news abroad . Here was
Sir John Bracy from your father . You must to the
court in the morning . That same mad fellow of the
north , Percy , and he of Wales that gave Amamon the
bastinado , and made Lucifer cuckold , and swore
the devil his true liegeman upon the cross of a
Welsh hook — what a plague call you him ?
POINS
Owen Glendower .
FALSTAFF
Owen , Owen , the same , and his son-in-law
Mortimer , and old Northumberland , and that
sprightly Scot of Scots , Douglas , that runs a-horseback
up a hill perpendicular —
PRINCE
He that rides at high speed , and with his pistol
kills a sparrow flying .
FALSTAFF
You have hit it .
PRINCE
So did he never the sparrow .
[95]ACT 2. SC. 4
FALSTAFF
Well , that rascal hath good mettle in him . He
will not run .
PRINCE
Why , what a rascal art thou then to praise him
so for running ?
FALSTAFF
A-horseback , you cuckoo , but afoot he will
not budge a foot .
PRINCE
Yes , Jack , upon instinct .
FALSTAFF
I grant you , upon instinct . Well , he is there
too , and one Mordake , and a thousand blue-caps
more . Worcester is stolen away tonight . Thy father’s
beard is turned white with the news . You may buy
land now as cheap as stinking mackerel .
PRINCE
Why then , it is like if there come a hot June ,
and this civil buffeting hold , we shall buy maidenheads
as they buy hobnails , by the hundreds .
FALSTAFF
By the Mass , thou sayest true . It is like we
shall have good trading that way . But tell me , Hal ,
art not thou horrible afeard ? Thou being heir
apparent , could the world pick thee out three such
enemies again as that fiend Douglas , that spirit
Percy , and that devil Glendower ? Art thou not
horribly afraid ? Doth not thy blood thrill at it ?
PRINCE
Not a whit , i’ faith . I lack some of thy instinct .
FALSTAFF
Well , thou wilt be horribly chid tomorrow
when thou comest to thy father . If thou love me ,
practice an answer .
PRINCE
Do thou stand for my father and examine me
upon the particulars of my life .
FALSTAFF
Shall I ? Content . He sits down . This chair
shall be my state , this dagger my scepter , and this
cushion my crown .
PRINCE
Thy state is taken for a joined stool , thy golden
scepter for a leaden dagger , and thy precious rich
crown for a pitiful bald crown .
FALSTAFF
Well , an the fire of grace be not quite out of
thee , now shalt thou be moved . — Give me a cup of
[97] ACT 2. SC. 4 sack to make my eyes look red , that it may be
thought I have wept , for I must speak in passion ,
and I will do it in King Cambyses’ vein .
PRINCE
, bowing
Well , here is my leg .
FALSTAFF
And here is my speech .
As King .
Stand
aside , nobility .
HOSTESS
O Jesu , this is excellent sport , i’ faith !
FALSTAFF
, as King
Weep not , sweet queen , for trickling tears are vain .
HOSTESS
O the Father , how he holds his countenance !
FALSTAFF
, as King
For God’s sake , lords , convey my tristful queen ,
For tears do stop the floodgates of her eyes .
HOSTESS
O Jesu , he doth it as like one of these harlotry
players as ever I see .
FALSTAFF
Peace , good pint-pot . Peace , good tickle-brain . —
As King .
Harry , I do not only marvel
where thou spendest thy time , but also how thou
art accompanied . For though the camomile , the
more it is trodden on , the faster it grows , so youth ,
the more it is wasted , the sooner it wears . That
thou art my son I have partly thy mother’s word ,
partly my own opinion , but chiefly a villainous
trick of thine eye and a foolish hanging of thy
nether lip that doth warrant me . If then thou be
son to me , here lies the point : why , being son to
me , art thou so pointed at ? Shall the blessed sun of
heaven prove a micher and eat blackberries ? A
question not to be asked . Shall the son of England
prove a thief and take purses ? A question to be
asked . There is a thing , Harry , which thou hast
often heard of , and it is known to many in our land
by the name of pitch . This pitch , as ancient writers
do report , doth defile ; so doth the company thou
keepest . For , Harry , now I do not speak to thee in
drink , but in tears ; not in pleasure , but in passion ;
[99] ACT 2. SC. 4 not in words only , but in woes also . And yet there is
a virtuous man whom I have often noted in thy
company , but I know not his name .
PRINCE
What manner of man , an it like your Majesty ?
FALSTAFF
, as King
A goodly portly man , i’ faith , and a
corpulent ; of a cheerful look , a pleasing eye , and a
most noble carriage , and , as I think , his age some
fifty , or , by ’r Lady , inclining to threescore ; and now
I remember me , his name is Falstaff . If that man
should be lewdly given , he deceiveth me , for , Harry ,
I see virtue in his looks . If then the tree may be
known by the fruit , as the fruit by the tree , then
peremptorily I speak it : there is virtue in that
Falstaff ; him keep with , the rest banish . And tell me
now , thou naughty varlet , tell me where hast thou
been this month ?
PRINCE
Dost thou speak like a king ? Do thou stand for
me , and I’ll play my father .
FALSTAFF
, rising
Depose me ? If thou dost it half so
gravely , so majestically , both in word and matter ,
hang me up by the heels for a rabbit-sucker or a
poulter’s hare .
PRINCE
, sitting down
Well , here I am set .
FALSTAFF
And here I stand . — Judge , my masters .
PRINCE
, as King
Now , Harry , whence come you ?
FALSTAFF
, as Prince
My noble lord , from Eastcheap .
PRINCE
, as King
The complaints I hear of thee are
grievous .
FALSTAFF
, as Prince
’Sblood , my lord , they are false .
— Nay , I’ll tickle you for a young prince , i’ faith .
PRINCE
, as King
Swearest thou ? Ungracious boy ,
henceforth ne’er look on me . Thou art violently
carried away from grace . There is a devil haunts
thee in the likeness of an old fat man . A tun of man
is thy companion . Why dost thou converse with that
trunk of humors , that bolting-hutch of beastliness ,
[101] ACT 2. SC. 4 that swollen parcel of dropsies , that huge bombard
of sack , that stuffed cloakbag of guts , that roasted
Manningtree ox with the pudding in his belly , that
reverend Vice , that gray iniquity , that father ruffian ,
that vanity in years ? Wherein is he good , but to taste
sack and drink it ? Wherein neat and cleanly but to
carve a capon and eat it ? Wherein cunning but in
craft ? Wherein crafty but in villainy ? Wherein villainous
but in all things ? Wherein worthy but in
nothing ?
FALSTAFF
, as Prince
I would your Grace would take
me with you . Whom means your Grace ?
PRINCE
, as King
That villainous abominable misleader
of youth , Falstaff , that old white-bearded Satan .
FALSTAFF
, as Prince
My lord , the man I know .
PRINCE
, as King
I know thou dost .
FALSTAFF
, as Prince
But to say I know more harm in
him than in myself were to say more than I know .
That he is old , the more the pity ; his white hairs do
witness it . But that he is , saving your reverence , a
whoremaster , that I utterly deny . If sack and sugar
be a fault , God help the wicked . If to be old and
merry be a sin , then many an old host that I know is
damned . If to be fat be to be hated , then Pharaoh’s
lean kine are to be loved . No , my good lord ,
banish Peto , banish Bardolph , banish Poins , but for
sweet Jack Falstaff , kind Jack Falstaff , true Jack
Falstaff , valiant Jack Falstaff , and therefore more
valiant being as he is old Jack Falstaff , banish not
him thy Harry’s company , banish not him thy
Harry’s company . Banish plump Jack , and banish
all the world .
PRINCE
I do , I will .
A loud knocking ,
and Bardolph , Hostess , and
Francis exit .
[103]ACT 2. SC. 4
Enter Bardolph running .
BARDOLPH
O my lord , my lord , the Sheriff with a most
monstrous watch is at the door .
FALSTAFF
Out , you rogue . — Play out the play . I have
much to say in the behalf of that Falstaff .
Enter the Hostess .
HOSTESS
O Jesu , my lord , my lord —
PRINCE
Heigh , heigh , the devil rides upon a fiddlestick .
What’s the matter ?
HOSTESS
The Sheriff and all the watch are at the door .
They are come to search the house . Shall I let them
in ?
FALSTAFF
Dost thou hear , Hal ? Never call a true piece
of gold a counterfeit . Thou art essentially made
without seeming so .
PRINCE
And thou a natural coward without instinct .
FALSTAFF
I deny your major . If you will deny the
Sheriff , so ; if not , let him enter . If I become not a
cart as well as another man , a plague on my
bringing up . I hope I shall as soon be strangled with
a halter as another .
PRINCE
, standing
Go hide thee behind the arras . The
rest walk up above . — Now , my masters , for a true
face and good conscience .
FALSTAFF
Both which I have had , but their date is out ;
and therefore I’ll hide me .
He hides .
PRINCE
Call in the Sheriff .
All but the Prince and Peto exit .
Enter Sheriff and the Carrier .
PRINCE
Now , Master Sheriff , what is your will with me ?
SHERIFF
First pardon me , my lord . A hue and cry
Hath followed certain men unto this house .
[105]ACT 2. SC. 4
PRINCE
What men ?
SHERIFF
One of them is well known , my gracious lord .
A gross fat man .
CARRIER
As fat as butter .
PRINCE
The man I do assure you is not here ,
For I myself at this time have employed him .
And , sheriff , I will engage my word to thee
That I will by tomorrow dinner time
Send him to answer thee or any man
For anything he shall be charged withal .
And so let me entreat you leave the house .
SHERIFF
I will , my lord . There are two gentlemen
Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks .
PRINCE
It may be so . If he have robbed these men ,
He shall be answerable ; and so farewell .
SHERIFF
Good night , my noble lord .
PRINCE
I think it is good morrow , is it not ?
SHERIFF
Indeed , my lord , I think it be two o’clock .
He exits with the Carrier .
PRINCE
This oily rascal is known as well as Paul’s . Go
call him forth .
PETO
Falstaff ! — Fast asleep behind the arras , and
snorting like a horse .
PRINCE
Hark , how hard he fetches breath . Search his
pockets . ( He searcheth his pocket , and findeth certain
papers . ) What hast thou found ?
PETO
Nothing but papers , my lord .
PRINCE
Let’s see what they be . Read them .
PETO
reads
Item , a capon , … 2s . 2d .
[107] ACT 2. SC. 4 Item , sauce , … 4d .
Item , sack , two gallons , … 5s . 8d .
Item , anchovies and sack after supper , … 2s . 6d .
Item , bread , … ob .
PRINCE
O monstrous ! But one halfpennyworth of
bread to this intolerable deal of sack ? What there is
else , keep close . We’ll read it at more advantage .
There let him sleep till day . I’ll to the court in the
morning . We must all to the wars , and thy place
shall be honorable . I’ll procure this fat rogue a
charge of foot , and I know his death will be a march
of twelve score . The money shall be paid back again
with advantage . Be with me betimes in the morning ,
and so good morrow , Peto .
PETO
Good morrow , good my lord .
They exit .