Scene 1
Enter Hostess Quickly of the tavern with two Officers ,
Fang and Snare , who lags behind .
HOSTESS
Master Fang , have you entered the action ?
FANG
It is entered .
HOSTESS
Where’s your yeoman ? Is ’t a lusty yeoman ?
Will he stand to ’t ?
FANG
, calling
Sirrah ! Where’s Snare ?
HOSTESS
O Lord , ay , good Master Snare .
SNARE
, catching up to them
Here , here .
FANG
Snare , we must arrest Sir John Falstaff .
HOSTESS
Yea , good Master Snare , I have entered him
and all .
SNARE
It may chance cost some of us our lives , for he
will stab .
HOSTESS
Alas the day , take heed of him . He stabbed me
in mine own house , and that most beastly , in good
faith . He cares not what mischief he does . If his
weapon be out , he will foin like any devil . He will
spare neither man , woman , nor child .
FANG
If I can close with him , I care not for his thrust .
HOSTESS
No , nor I neither . I’ll be at your elbow .
FANG
An I but fist him once , an he come but within my
view —
HOSTESS
I am undone by his going . I warrant you , he’s
[55] ACT 2. SC. 1 an infinitive thing upon my score . Good Master
Fang , hold him sure . Good Master Snare , let him
not ’scape . He comes continuantly to Pie Corner ,
saving your manhoods , to buy a saddle , and he is
indited to dinner to the Lubber’s Head in Lumbert
Street , to Master Smooth’s the silkman . I pray you ,
since my exion is entered , and my case so openly
known to the world , let him be brought in to his
answer . A hundred mark is a long one for a poor
lone woman to bear , and I have borne , and borne ,
and borne , and have been fubbed off , and fubbed
off , and fubbed off from this day to that day , that it is
a shame to be thought on . There is no honesty in
such dealing , unless a woman should be made an
ass and a beast to bear every knave’s wrong . Yonder
he comes , and that arrant malmsey-nose knave ,
Bardolph , with him . Do your offices , do your offices ,
Master Fang and Master Snare , do me , do me ,
do me your offices .
Enter Sir John Falstaff and Bardolph , and the Page .
FALSTAFF
How now , whose mare’s dead ? What’s the
matter ?
FANG
Sir John , I arrest you at the suit of Mistress
Quickly .
FALSTAFF
Away , varlets ! — Draw , Bardolph . Cut me off
the villain’s head . Throw the quean in the
channel .
They draw .
HOSTESS
Throw me in the channel ? I’ll throw thee in
the channel . Wilt thou , wilt thou , thou bastardly
rogue ? — Murder , murder ! — Ah , thou honeysuckle
villain , wilt thou kill God’s officers and the King’s ?
Ah , thou honeyseed rogue , thou art a honeyseed , a
man-queller , and a woman-queller .
FALSTAFF
Keep them off , Bardolph .
[57]ACT 2. SC. 1
OFFICERS
A rescue , a rescue !
HOSTESS
Good people , bring a rescue or two . — Thou
wot , wot thou ? Thou wot , wot ta ? Do , do , thou
rogue . Do , thou hempseed .
PAGE
Away , you scullion , you rampallian , you fustilarian !
I’ll tickle your catastrophe .
Enter Lord Chief Justice and his Men .
CHIEF JUSTICE
What is the matter ? Keep the peace here , ho !
HOSTESS
Good my lord , be good to me . I beseech you
stand to me .
CHIEF JUSTICE
How now , Sir John ? What , are you brawling here ?
Doth this become your place , your time , and
business ?
You should have been well on your way to York . —
Stand from him , fellow . Wherefore hang’st thou
upon him ?
HOSTESS
O my most worshipful lord , an ’t please your
Grace , I am a poor widow of Eastcheap , and he is
arrested at my suit .
CHIEF JUSTICE
For what sum ?
HOSTESS
It is more than for some , my lord ; it is for all I
have . He hath eaten me out of house and home . He
hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his .
To Falstaff .
But I will have some of it out again , or I
will ride thee o’ nights like the mare .
FALSTAFF
I think I am as like to ride the mare if I have
any vantage of ground to get up .
CHIEF JUSTICE
How comes this , Sir John ? Fie , what
man of good temper would endure this tempest of
exclamation ? Are you not ashamed to enforce a
poor widow to so rough a course to come by her
own ?
[59]ACT 2. SC. 1
FALSTAFF
What is the gross sum that I owe thee ?
HOSTESS
Marry , if thou wert an honest man , thyself
and the money too . Thou didst swear to me upon a
parcel-gilt goblet , sitting in my Dolphin chamber at
the round table by a sea-coal fire , upon Wednesday
in Wheeson week , when the Prince broke thy head
for liking his father to a singing-man of Windsor ,
thou didst swear to me then , as I was washing thy
wound , to marry me and make me my lady thy wife .
Canst thou deny it ? Did not Goodwife Keech , the
butcher’s wife , come in then and call me Gossip
Quickly , coming in to borrow a mess of vinegar ,
telling us she had a good dish of prawns , whereby
thou didst desire to eat some , whereby I told thee
they were ill for a green wound ? And didst thou not ,
when she was gone downstairs , desire me to be no
more so familiarity with such poor people , saying
that ere long they should call me madam ? And didst
thou not kiss me and bid me fetch thee thirty
shillings ? I put thee now to thy book-oath . Deny it if
thou canst .
FALSTAFF
My lord , this is a poor mad soul , and she says
up and down the town that her eldest son is like
you . She hath been in good case , and the truth is ,
poverty hath distracted her . But , for these foolish
officers , I beseech you I may have redress against
them .
CHIEF JUSTICE
Sir John , Sir John , I am well acquainted
with your manner of wrenching the true cause the
false way . It is not a confident brow , nor the throng
of words that come with such more than impudent
sauciness from you , can thrust me from a level
consideration . You have , as it appears to me , practiced
upon the easy-yielding spirit of this woman ,
and made her serve your uses both in purse and in
person .
[61]ACT 2. SC. 1
HOSTESS
Yea , in truth , my lord .
CHIEF JUSTICE
Pray thee , peace . — Pay her the debt you
owe her , and unpay the villainy you have done with
her . The one you may do with sterling money , and
the other with current repentance .
FALSTAFF
My lord , I will not undergo this sneap without
reply . You call honorable boldness ‘impudent
sauciness .’ If a man will make curtsy and say
nothing , he is virtuous . No , my lord , my humble
duty remembered , I will not be your suitor . I say to
you , I do desire deliverance from these officers ,
being upon hasty employment in the King’s affairs .
CHIEF JUSTICE
You speak as having power to do wrong ;
but answer in th’ effect of your reputation , and
satisfy the poor woman .
FALSTAFF
Come hither , hostess .
He speaks aside to the Hostess .
Enter a Messenger , Master Gower .
CHIEF JUSTICE
Now , Master Gower , what news ?
GOWER
The King , my lord , and Harry Prince of Wales
Are near at hand . The rest the paper tells .
He gives the Chief Justice a paper to read .
FALSTAFF
, to the Hostess
As I am a gentleman !
HOSTESS
Faith , you said so before .
FALSTAFF
As I am a gentleman . Come . No more words
of it .
HOSTESS
By this heavenly ground I tread on , I must be
fain to pawn both my plate and the tapestry of my
dining chambers .
FALSTAFF
Glasses , glasses , is the only drinking . And for
thy walls , a pretty slight drollery , or the story of the
Prodigal or the German hunting in waterwork is
worth a thousand of these bed-hangers and these
[63] ACT 2. SC. 1 fly-bitten tapestries . Let it be ten pound , if thou
canst . Come , an ’twere not for thy humors , there’s
not a better wench in England . Go wash thy face ,
and draw the action . Come , thou must not be in this
humor with me . Dost not know me ? Come , come . I
know thou wast set on to this .
HOSTESS
Pray thee , Sir John , let it be but twenty
nobles . I’ faith , I am loath to pawn my plate , so God
save me , la .
FALSTAFF
Let it alone . I’ll make other shift . You’ll be a
fool still .
HOSTESS
Well , you shall have it , though I pawn my
gown . I hope you’ll come to supper . You’ll pay
me all together ?
FALSTAFF
Will I live ?
Aside to Bardolph .
Go with her ,
with her . Hook on , hook on .
HOSTESS
Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at
supper ?
FALSTAFF
No more words . Let’s have her .
Hostess , Fang , Snare , Bardolph , Page ,
and others exit .
CHIEF JUSTICE
, to Gower
I have heard better news .
FALSTAFF
, to Chief Justice
What’s the news , my good
lord ?
CHIEF JUSTICE
, to Gower
Where lay the King
tonight ?
GOWER
At Basingstoke , my lord .
FALSTAFF
, to Chief Justice
I hope , my lord , all’s
well . What is the news , my lord ?
CHIEF JUSTICE
, to Gower
Come all his forces back ?
GOWER
No . Fifteen hundred foot , five hundred horse
Are marched up to my Lord of Lancaster
Against Northumberland and the Archbishop .
[65]ACT 2. SC. 2
FALSTAFF
, to Chief Justice
Comes the King back from Wales , my noble lord ?
CHIEF JUSTICE
, to Gower
You shall have letters of me presently .
Come . Go along with me , good Master Gower .
FALSTAFF
My lord !
CHIEF JUSTICE
What’s the matter ?
FALSTAFF
Master Gower , shall I entreat you with me to
dinner ?
GOWER
I must wait upon my good lord here . I thank
you , good Sir John .
CHIEF JUSTICE
Sir John , you loiter here too long , being
you are to take soldiers up in counties as you go .
FALSTAFF
Will you sup with me , Master Gower ?
CHIEF JUSTICE
What foolish master taught you these
manners , Sir John ?
FALSTAFF
Master Gower , if they become me not , he was
a fool that taught them me . — This is the right
fencing grace , my lord : tap for tap , and so part fair .
CHIEF JUSTICE
Now the Lord lighten thee . Thou art a
great fool .
They separate and exit .
Scene 2
Enter the Prince and Poins .
PRINCE
Before God , I am exceeding weary .
POINS
Is ’t come to that ? I had thought weariness durst
not have attached one of so high blood .
PRINCE
Faith , it does me , though it discolors the complexion
of my greatness to acknowledge it . Doth it
not show vilely in me to desire small beer ?
POINS
Why , a prince should not be so loosely studied
as to remember so weak a composition .
[67]ACT 2. SC. 2
PRINCE
Belike then my appetite was not princely got ,
for , by my troth , I do now remember the poor
creature small beer . But indeed these humble considerations
make me out of love with my greatness .
What a disgrace is it to me to remember thy name ,
or to know thy face tomorrow , or to take note how
many pair of silk stockings thou hast — with these ,
and those that were thy peach-colored ones — or to
bear the inventory of thy shirts , as , one for superfluity
and another for use . But that the tennis-court
keeper knows better than I , for it is a low ebb of
linen with thee when thou keepest not racket there ,
as thou hast not done a great while , because the rest
of the low countries have made a shift to eat up thy
holland ; and God knows whether those that bawl
out the ruins of thy linen shall inherit His kingdom ;
but the midwives say the children are not in the
fault , whereupon the world increases and kindreds
are mightily strengthened .
POINS
How ill it follows , after you have labored so
hard , you should talk so idly ! Tell me , how many
good young princes would do so , their fathers being
so sick as yours at this time is ?
PRINCE
Shall I tell thee one thing , Poins ?
POINS
Yes , faith , and let it be an excellent good thing .
PRINCE
It shall serve among wits of no higher breeding
than thine .
POINS
Go to . I stand the push of your one thing that
you will tell .
PRINCE
Marry , I tell thee it is not meet that I should be
sad , now my father is sick — albeit I could tell to
thee , as to one it pleases me , for fault of a better , to
call my friend , I could be sad , and sad indeed too .
POINS
Very hardly , upon such a subject .
[69]ACT 2. SC. 2
PRINCE
By this hand , thou thinkest me as far in the
devil’s book as thou and Falstaff for obduracy and
persistency . Let the end try the man . But I tell thee ,
my heart bleeds inwardly that my father is so sick ;
and keeping such vile company as thou art hath in
reason taken from me all ostentation of sorrow .
POINS
The reason ?
PRINCE
What wouldst thou think of me if I should
weep ?
POINS
I would think thee a most princely hypocrite .
PRINCE
It would be every man’s thought , and thou art
a blessed fellow to think as every man thinks . Never
a man’s thought in the world keeps the roadway
better than thine . Every man would think me an
hypocrite indeed . And what accites your most worshipful
thought to think so ?
POINS
Why , because you have been so lewd and so
much engraffed to Falstaff .
PRINCE
And to thee .
POINS
By this light , I am well spoke on . I can hear it
with mine own ears . The worst that they can say of
me is that I am a second brother , and that I am a
proper fellow of my hands ; and those two things , I
confess , I cannot help . By the Mass , here comes
Bardolph .
Enter Bardolph and Page .
PRINCE
And the boy that I gave Falstaff . He had him
from me Christian , and look if the fat villain have
not transformed him ape .
BARDOLPH
God save your Grace .
PRINCE
And yours , most noble Bardolph .
POINS
, to Bardolph
Come , you virtuous ass , you bashful
fool , must you be blushing ? Wherefore blush
you now ? What a maidenly man-at-arms are you
[71] ACT 2. SC. 2 become ! Is ’t such a matter to get a pottle-pot’s
maidenhead ?
PAGE
He calls me e’en now , my lord , through a red
lattice , and I could discern no part of his face from
the window . At last I spied his eyes , and methought
he had made two holes in the ale-wife’s new
petticoat and so peeped through .
PRINCE
Has not the boy profited ?
BARDOLPH
, to Page
Away , you whoreson upright rabbit ,
away !
PAGE
Away , you rascally Althea’s dream , away !
PRINCE
Instruct us , boy . What dream , boy ?
PAGE
Marry , my lord , Althea dreamt she was delivered
of a firebrand , and therefore I call him her dream .
PRINCE
A crown’s worth of good interpretation . There
’tis , boy .
He gives the Page money .
POINS
O , that this good blossom could be kept from
cankers ! Well , there is sixpence to preserve thee .
He gives the Page money .
BARDOLPH
An you do not make him be hanged among
you , the gallows shall have wrong .
PRINCE
And how doth thy master , Bardolph ?
BARDOLPH
Well , my good lord . He heard of your
Grace’s coming to town . There’s a letter for you .
He gives the Prince a paper .
POINS
Delivered with good respect . And how doth the
Martlemas your master ?
BARDOLPH
In bodily health , sir .
POINS
Marry , the immortal part needs a physician , but
that moves not him . Though that be sick , it dies not .
PRINCE
I do allow this wen to be as familiar with me as
my dog , and he holds his place , for look you how he
writes .
He shows the letter to Poins .
POINS
reads the superscription
John Falstaff , knight .
Every man must know that as oft as he has occasion
[73] ACT 2. SC. 2 to name himself , even like those that are kin to the
King , for they never prick their finger but they say
‘There’s some of the King’s blood spilt .’ ‘How
comes that ?’ says he that takes upon him not to
conceive . The answer is as ready as a borrower’s
cap : ‘I am the King’s poor cousin , sir .’
PRINCE
Nay , they will be kin to us , or they will fetch it
from Japheth . But to the letter :
Reads .
Sir John
Falstaff , knight , to the son of the King nearest his
father , Harry Prince of Wales , greeting .POINS
Why , this is a certificate .
PRINCE
Peace !
Reads .
I will imitate the honorable Romans in
brevity .POINS
He sure means brevity in breath , short-winded .
PRINCE
reads
I commend me to thee , I commend thee ,
and I leave thee . Be not too familiar with Poins , for he
misuses thy favors so much that he swears thou art to
marry his sister Nell . Repent at idle times as thou
mayst , and so farewell .
Thine by yea and no , which is as much as
to say , as thou usest him ,
Jack Falstaff with my familiars ,
John with my brothers and sisters , and
Sir John with all Europe .
POINS
My lord , I’ll steep this letter in sack and make
him eat it .
PRINCE
That’s to make him eat twenty of his words .
But do you use me thus , Ned ? Must I marry your
sister ?
POINS
God send the wench no worse fortune ! But I
never said so .
PRINCE
Well , thus we play the fools with the time , and
the spirits of the wise sit in the clouds and mock us .
To Bardolph .
Is your master here in London ?
BARDOLPH
Yea , my lord .
[75]ACT 2. SC. 2
PRINCE
Where sups he ? Doth the old boar feed in the
old frank ?
BARDOLPH
At the old place , my lord , in Eastcheap .
PRINCE
What company ?
PAGE
Ephesians , my lord , of the old church .
PRINCE
Sup any women with him ?
PAGE
None , my lord , but old Mistress Quickly and
Mistress Doll Tearsheet .
PRINCE
What pagan may that be ?
PAGE
A proper gentlewoman , sir , and a kinswoman of
my master’s .
PRINCE
Even such kin as the parish heifers are to the
town bull . — Shall we steal upon them , Ned , at
supper ?
POINS
I am your shadow , my lord . I’ll follow you .
PRINCE
Sirrah — you , boy — and Bardolph , no word to
your master that I am yet come to town . There’s for
your silence .
He gives money .
BARDOLPH
I have no tongue , sir .
PAGE
And for mine , sir , I will govern it .
PRINCE
Fare you well . Go .
Bardolph and Page exit .
This Doll Tearsheet should be some road .
POINS
I warrant you , as common as the way between
Saint Albans and London .
PRINCE
How might we see Falstaff bestow himself
tonight in his true colors , and not ourselves be
seen ?
POINS
Put on two leathern jerkins and aprons , and
wait upon him at his table as drawers .
PRINCE
From a god to a bull : a heavy descension . It
was Jove’s case . From a prince to a ’prentice : a low
transformation that shall be mine , for in everything
the purpose must weigh with the folly . Follow me ,
Ned .
They exit .
ACT 2. SC. 3
Scene 4
Enter Francis and another Drawer .
FRANCIS
What the devil hast thou brought there —
applejohns ? Thou knowest Sir John cannot endure
an applejohn .
SECOND DRAWER
Mass , thou sayst true . The Prince
once set a dish of applejohns before him and told
him there were five more Sir Johns and , putting off
his hat , said ‘I will now take my leave of these six
dry , round , old , withered knights .’ It angered him
to the heart . But he hath forgot that .
FRANCIS
Why then , cover and set them down , and see if
thou canst find out Sneak’s noise . Mistress Tearsheet
would fain hear some music . Dispatch . The
room where they supped is too hot . They’ll come in
straight .
Enter Will .
WILL
Sirrah , here will be the Prince and Master
Poins anon , and they will put on two of our jerkins
[83] ACT 2. SC. 4 and aprons , and Sir John must not know of it .
Bardolph hath brought word .
SECOND DRAWER
By the Mass , here will be old utis . It
will be an excellent stratagem .
FRANCIS
I’ll see if I can find out Sneak .
He exits with the Second Drawer .
Enter Hostess and Doll Tearsheet .
HOSTESS
I’ faith , sweetheart , methinks now you are in
an excellent good temperality . Your pulsidge beats
as extraordinarily as heart would desire , and your
color , I warrant you , is as red as any rose , in good
truth , la . But , i’ faith , you have drunk too much
canaries , and that’s a marvellous searching wine ,
and it perfumes the blood ere one can say ‘What’s
this ?’ How do you now ?
DOLL
Better than I was . Hem .
HOSTESS
Why , that’s well said . A good heart’s worth
gold . Lo , here comes Sir John .
Enter Sir John Falstaff .
FALSTAFF
, singing
When Arthur first in court — To Will .
Empty the jordan .
Will exits .
And was a worthy king — How now , Mistress Doll ?
HOSTESS
Sick of a calm , yea , good faith .
FALSTAFF
So is all her sect . An they be once in a calm ,
they are sick .
DOLL
A pox damn you , you muddy rascal . Is that all the
comfort you give me ?
FALSTAFF
You make fat rascals , Mistress Doll .
DOLL
I make them ? Gluttony and diseases make them ;
I make them not .
[85]ACT 2. SC. 4
FALSTAFF
If the cook help to make the gluttony , you
help to make the diseases , Doll . We catch of you ,
Doll , we catch of you . Grant that , my poor virtue ,
grant that .
DOLL
Yea , joy , our chains and our jewels .
FALSTAFF
Your brooches , pearls , and ouches — for to
serve bravely is to come halting off , you know ; to
come off the breach with his pike bent bravely , and
to surgery bravely , to venture upon the charged
chambers bravely —
DOLL
Hang yourself , you muddy conger , hang yourself !
HOSTESS
By my troth , this is the old fashion . You two
never meet but you fall to some discord . You are
both , i’ good truth , as rheumatic as two dry toasts .
You cannot one bear with another’s confirmities .
What the good-year ! One must bear , and
to Doll
that must be you . You are the weaker vessel , as they
say , the emptier vessel .
DOLL
Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full
hogshead ? There’s a whole merchant’s venture of
Bordeaux stuff in him . You have not seen a hulk
better stuffed in the hold . — Come , I’ll be friends
with thee , Jack . Thou art going to the wars , and
whether I shall ever see thee again or no , there is
nobody cares .
Enter Drawer .
DRAWER
Sir , Ancient Pistol’s below and would speak
with you .
DOLL
Hang him , swaggering rascal ! Let him not come
hither . It is the foul-mouthed’st rogue in England .
HOSTESS
If he swagger , let him not come here . No , by
my faith , I must live among my neighbors . I’ll no
swaggerers . I am in good name and fame with the
[87] ACT 2. SC. 4 very best . Shut the door . There comes no swaggerers
here . I have not lived all this while to have
swaggering now . Shut the door , I pray you .
FALSTAFF
Dost thou hear , hostess ?
HOSTESS
Pray you pacify yourself , Sir John . There
comes no swaggerers here .
FALSTAFF
Dost thou hear ? It is mine ancient .
HOSTESS
Tilly-vally , Sir John , ne’er tell me . And your
ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors . I was
before Master Tisick the debuty t’ other day , and , as
he said to me — ’twas no longer ago than Wednesday
last , i’ good faith — ‘Neighbor Quickly ,’ says
he — Master Dumb , our minister , was by then —
‘Neighbor Quickly ,’ says he , ‘receive those that
are civil , for ,’ said he , ‘you are in an ill name .’
Now he said so , I can tell whereupon . ‘For ,’ says
he , ‘you are an honest woman , and well thought
on . Therefore take heed what guests you receive .
Receive ,’ says he , ‘no swaggering companions .’
There comes none here . You would bless you to
hear what he said . No , I’ll no swaggerers .
FALSTAFF
He’s no swaggerer , hostess , a tame cheater , i’
faith . You may stroke him as gently as a puppy
greyhound . He’ll not swagger with a Barbary hen if
her feathers turn back in any show of resistance . —
Call him up , drawer .
Drawer exits .
HOSTESS
‘Cheater’ call you him ? I will bar no honest
man my house , nor no cheater , but I do not love
swaggering . By my troth , I am the worse when one
says ‘swagger .’ Feel , masters , how I shake ; look
you , I warrant you .
DOLL
So you do , hostess .
HOSTESS
Do I ? Yea , in very truth , do I , an ’twere an
aspen leaf . I cannot abide swaggerers .
[89]ACT 2. SC. 4
Enter Ancient Pistol , Bardolph , and Page .
PISTOL
God save you , Sir John .
FALSTAFF
Welcome , Ancient Pistol . Here , Pistol , I
charge you with a cup of sack . Do you discharge
upon mine hostess .
PISTOL
I will discharge upon her , Sir John , with two
bullets .
FALSTAFF
She is pistol-proof . Sir , you shall not hardly
offend her .
HOSTESS
Come , I’ll drink no proofs nor no bullets . I’ll
drink no more than will do me good , for no man’s
pleasure , I .
PISTOL
Then , to you , Mistress Dorothy ! I will charge
you .
DOLL
Charge me ? I scorn you , scurvy companion .
What , you poor , base , rascally , cheating lack-linen
mate ! Away , you mouldy rogue , away ! I am meat for
your master .
PISTOL
I know you , Mistress Dorothy .
DOLL
Away , you cutpurse rascal , you filthy bung , away !
By this wine , I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy
chaps an you play the saucy cuttle with me . Away ,
you bottle-ale rascal , you basket-hilt stale juggler ,
you . Since when , I pray you , sir ? God’s light , with
two points on your shoulder ? Much !
PISTOL
God let me not live but I will murder your ruff
for this .
FALSTAFF
No more , Pistol . I would not have you go off
here . Discharge yourself of our company , Pistol .
HOSTESS
No , good Captain Pistol , not here , sweet
captain !
DOLL
Captain ? Thou abominable damned cheater , art
thou not ashamed to be called captain ? An captains
[91] ACT 2. SC. 4 were of my mind , they would truncheon you out for
taking their names upon you before you have
earned them . You a captain ? You slave , for what ?
For tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy house ?
He a captain ! Hang him , rogue . He lives upon
mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes . A captain ?
God’s light , these villains will make the word as
odious as the word ‘occupy ,’ which was an excellent
good word before it was ill sorted . Therefore
captains had need look to ’t .
BARDOLPH
, to Pistol
Pray thee go down , good ancient .
FALSTAFF
Hark thee hither , Mistress Doll .
PISTOL
, to Bardolph
Not I . I tell thee what , Corporal
Bardolph , I could tear her . I’ll be revenged of her .
PAGE
Pray thee go down .
PISTOL
I’ll see her damned first to Pluto’s damnèd
lake , by this hand , to th’ infernal deep with Erebus
and tortures vile also . Hold hook and line , say I .
Down , down , dogs ! Down , Fates ! Have we not
Hiren here ?
He draws his sword .
HOSTESS
Good Captain Peesell , be quiet . ’Tis very late ,
i’ faith . I beseek you now , aggravate your choler .
PISTOL
These be good humors indeed . Shall pack-horses
and hollow pampered jades of Asia , which
cannot go but thirty mile a day , compare with
Caesars and with cannibals and Troyant Greeks ?
Nay , rather damn them with King Cerberus , and let
the welkin roar . Shall we fall foul for toys ?
HOSTESS
By my troth , captain , these are very bitter
words .
BARDOLPH
Begone , good ancient . This will grow to a
brawl anon .
PISTOL
Die men like dogs ! Give crowns like pins ! Have
we not Hiren here ?
[93]ACT 2. SC. 4
HOSTESS
O’ my word , captain , there’s none such here .
What the good-year , do you think I would deny her ?
For God’s sake , be quiet .
PISTOL
Then feed and be fat , my fair Calipolis . Come ,
give ’s some sack . Si fortune me tormente , sperato
me contento . Fear we broadsides ? No , let the fiend
give fire . Give me some sack , and , sweetheart , lie
thou there . Laying down his sword . Come we to
full points here ? And are etceteras nothings ?
FALSTAFF
Pistol , I would be quiet .
PISTOL
Sweet knight , I kiss thy neaf . What , we have
seen the seven stars .
DOLL
For God’s sake , thrust him downstairs . I cannot
endure such a fustian rascal .
PISTOL
‘Thrust him downstairs’ ? Know we not Galloway
nags ?
FALSTAFF
Quoit him down , Bardolph , like a shove-groat
shilling . Nay , an he do nothing but speak
nothing , he shall be nothing here .
BARDOLPH
Come , get you downstairs .
PISTOL
, taking up his sword
What , shall we have
incision ? Shall we imbrue ? Then death rock me
asleep , abridge my doleful days . Why then , let
grievous , ghastly , gaping wounds untwind the Sisters
Three . Come , Atropos , I say .
HOSTESS
Here’s goodly stuff toward !
FALSTAFF
Give me my rapier , boy .
DOLL
I pray thee , Jack , I pray thee do not draw .
FALSTAFF
, to Pistol
Get you downstairs .
They fight .
HOSTESS
Here’s a goodly tumult . I’ll forswear keeping
house afore I’ll be in these tirrits and frights . So ,
murder , I warrant now . Alas , alas , put up your
naked weapons , put up your naked weapons .
Bardolph and Pistol exit .
DOLL
I pray thee , Jack , be quiet . The rascal’s gone . Ah ,
you whoreson little valiant villain , you .
[95]ACT 2. SC. 4
HOSTESS
, to Falstaff
Are you not hurt i’ th’ groin ?
Methought he made a shrewd thrust at your belly .
Enter Bardolph .
FALSTAFF
Have you turned him out o’ doors ?
BARDOLPH
Yea , sir . The rascal’s drunk . You have hurt
him , sir , i’ th’ shoulder .
FALSTAFF
A rascal to brave me !
DOLL
Ah , you sweet little rogue , you . Alas , poor ape ,
how thou sweat’st ! Come , let me wipe thy face .
Come on , you whoreson chops . Ah , rogue , i’ faith , I
love thee . Thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy ,
worth five of Agamemnon , and ten times better
than the Nine Worthies . Ah , villain !
FALSTAFF
Ah , rascally slave ! I will toss the rogue in a
blanket .
DOLL
Do , an thou darest for thy heart . An thou dost , I’ll
canvass thee between a pair of sheets .
Enter Musicians and Francis .
PAGE
The music is come , sir .
FALSTAFF
Let them play . — Play , sirs . — Sit on my knee ,
Doll . A rascal bragging slave ! The rogue fled from
me like quicksilver .
DOLL
I’ faith , and thou followed’st him like a church .
Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig ,
when wilt thou leave fighting a-days and foining a-nights
and begin to patch up thine old body for
heaven ?
Enter behind them Prince and Poins disguised .
FALSTAFF
Peace , good Doll . Do not speak like a death’s-head ;
do not bid me remember mine end .
DOLL
Sirrah , what humor’s the Prince of ?
FALSTAFF
A good shallow young fellow , he would have
[97] ACT 2. SC. 4 made a good pantler ; he would ’a chipped bread
well .
DOLL
They say Poins has a good wit .
FALSTAFF
He a good wit ? Hang him , baboon . His wit’s
as thick as Tewkesbury mustard . There’s no more
conceit in him than is in a mallet .
DOLL
Why does the Prince love him so then ?
FALSTAFF
Because their legs are both of a bigness , and
he plays at quoits well , and eats conger and fennel ,
and drinks off candles’ ends for flap-dragons , and
rides the wild mare with the boys , and jumps upon
joint stools , and swears with a good grace , and
wears his boots very smooth like unto the sign of
the Leg , and breeds no bate with telling of discreet
stories , and such other gambol faculties he has that
show a weak mind and an able body , for the which
the Prince admits him ; for the Prince himself is
such another . The weight of a hair will turn the
scales between their avoirdupois .
PRINCE
, aside to Poins
Would not this nave of a wheel
have his ears cut off ?
POINS
Let’s beat him before his whore .
PRINCE
Look whe’er the withered elder hath not his
poll clawed like a parrot .
POINS
Is it not strange that desire should so many years
outlive performance ?
FALSTAFF
Kiss me , Doll .
PRINCE
, aside to Poins
Saturn and Venus this year in
conjunction ! What says th’ almanac to that ?
POINS
And look whether the fiery trigon , his man , be
not lisping to his master’s old tables , his notebook ,
his counsel keeper .
FALSTAFF
, to Doll
Thou dost give me flattering busses .
DOLL
By my troth , I kiss thee with a most constant
heart .
FALSTAFF
I am old , I am old .
[99]ACT 2. SC. 4
DOLL
I love thee better than I love e’er a scurvy young
boy of them all .
FALSTAFF
What stuff wilt thou have a kirtle of ? I shall
receive money o’ Thursday ; thou shalt have a cap
tomorrow . A merry song ! Come , it grows late . We’ll
to bed . Thou ’lt forget me when I am gone .
DOLL
By my troth , thou ’lt set me a-weeping an thou
sayst so . Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till
thy return . Well , harken a’ th’ end .
FALSTAFF
Some sack , Francis .
PRINCE , POINS
, coming forward
Anon , anon , sir .
FALSTAFF
Ha ? A bastard son of the King’s ? — And art
not thou Poins his brother ?
PRINCE
Why , thou globe of sinful continents , what a
life dost thou lead ?
FALSTAFF
A better than thou . I am a gentleman . Thou
art a drawer .
PRINCE
Very true , sir , and I come to draw you out by
the ears .
HOSTESS
O , the Lord preserve thy good Grace ! By my
troth , welcome to London . Now the Lord bless that
sweet face of thine . O Jesu , are you come from
Wales ?
FALSTAFF
, to Prince
Thou whoreson mad compound
of majesty , by this light flesh and corrupt blood ,
thou art welcome .
DOLL
How ? You fat fool , I scorn you .
POINS
My lord , he will drive you out of your revenge
and turn all to a merriment if you take not the heat .
PRINCE
, to Falstaff
You whoreson candle-mine , you ,
how vilely did you speak of me even now before
this honest , virtuous , civil gentlewoman !
HOSTESS
God’s blessing of your good heart , and so she
is , by my troth .
FALSTAFF
, to Prince
Didst thou hear me ?
[101]ACT 2. SC. 4
PRINCE
Yea , and you knew me as you did when you ran
away by Gad’s Hill . You knew I was at your back ,
and spoke it on purpose to try my patience .
FALSTAFF
No , no , no , not so . I did not think thou wast
within hearing .
PRINCE
I shall drive you , then , to confess the wilfull
abuse , and then I know how to handle you .
FALSTAFF
No abuse , Hal , o’ mine honor , no abuse .
PRINCE
Not to dispraise me and call me pantler and
bread-chipper and I know not what ?
FALSTAFF
No abuse , Hal .
POINS
No abuse ?
FALSTAFF
No abuse , Ned , i’ th’ world , honest Ned ,
none . I dispraised him before the wicked ,
( to
Prince )
that the wicked might not fall in love with
thee ; in which doing , I have done the part of a
careful friend and a true subject , and thy father is to
give me thanks for it . No abuse , Hal . — None , Ned ,
none . No , faith , boys , none .
PRINCE
See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice
doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman
to close with us . Is she of the wicked , is
thine hostess here of the wicked , or is thy boy of the
wicked , or honest Bardolph , whose zeal burns in
his nose , of the wicked ?
POINS
Answer , thou dead elm , answer .
FALSTAFF
The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable ,
and his face is Lucifer’s privy kitchen ,
where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms . For
the boy , there is a good angel about him , but the
devil blinds him too .
PRINCE
For the women ?
FALSTAFF
For one of them , she’s in hell already and
burns poor souls . For th’ other , I owe her money ,
and whether she be damned for that I know not .
[103]ACT 2. SC. 4
HOSTESS
No , I warrant you .
FALSTAFF
No , I think thou art not . I think thou art quit
for that . Marry , there is another indictment upon
thee for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house
contrary to the law , for the which I think thou wilt
howl .
HOSTESS
All vitlars do so . What’s a joint of mutton or
two in a whole Lent ?
PRINCE
, to Doll
You , gentlewoman .
DOLL
What says your Grace ?
FALSTAFF
His grace says that which his flesh rebels
against .
Peto knocks at door .
HOSTESS
Who knocks so loud at door ? Look to th’ door
there , Francis .
Francis exits .
Enter Peto .
PRINCE
Peto , how now , what news ?
PETO
The King your father is at Westminster ,
And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
Come from the north , and as I came along
I met and overtook a dozen captains ,
Bareheaded , sweating , knocking at the taverns
And asking everyone for Sir John Falstaff .
PRINCE
By heaven , Poins , I feel me much to blame
So idly to profane the precious time
When tempest of commotion , like the south
Borne with black vapor , doth begin to melt
And drop upon our bare unarmèd heads . —
Give me my sword and cloak . — Falstaff , good
night .
Prince , Peto , and Poins exit .
FALSTAFF
Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the
night , and we must hence and leave it unpicked .
[105] ACT 2. SC. 4 ( Knocking . Bardolph exits . ) More knocking at the
door ? ( Bardolph returns . ) How now , what’s the
matter ?
BARDOLPH
You must away to court , sir , presently .
A dozen captains stay at door for you .
FALSTAFF
, to Page
Pay the musicians , sirrah . —
Farewell , hostess . — Farewell , Doll . You see , my
good wenches , how men of merit are sought after .
The undeserver may sleep when the man of action
is called on . Farewell , good wenches . If I be not sent
away post , I will see you again ere I go .
DOLL
I cannot speak . If my heart be not ready to
burst — well , sweet Jack , have a care of thyself .
FALSTAFF
Farewell , farewell .
He exits with Bardolph , Page , and Musicians .
HOSTESS
Well , fare thee well . I have known thee these
twenty-nine years , come peasecod time , but an
honester and truer-hearted man — well , fare thee
well .
BARDOLPH
, within
Mistress Tearsheet !
HOSTESS
What’s the matter ?
BARDOLPH
, within
Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my
master .
HOSTESS
O , run , Doll , run , run , good Doll . Come . —
She comes blubbered . — Yea ! Will you come , Doll ?
They exit .