JOHN BULL In His SENSES: BEING THE SECOND PART OF
Law is a Bottomless-Pit.
Printed from a Manuscript found in the Cabinet of the famous Sir
Humphry Polesworth.
LONDON:
Printed for
John Morphew,
near
Stationer's-Hall,
1712. Price 3
d.
THE CONTENTS.
CHAP. I. MRS. BULL's Vindication of the indispensable Duty of Cuckoldom, incumbent upon Wives, in case of the Tyranny, Infideli
or Insufficiency of Husbands: Being a full Answer to the Doctor's Sermon against
Adultery. Pag.
5
CHAP. II. The two great Parties of Wives, the
Devoto's
and the
Hits.
8
CHAP. III. An Account of the Conference between Mrs.
Bull
and
Don Diego Dismallo.
9
The Articles of Agreement between
John Bull
and
Nicholas Frog.
12
Nicholas Frog
's Letter to
Lewis Baboon, Master of the Noble Science of Defence.
14
CHAP. IV. How the Guardians of the Deceas'd Mrs.
Bull
's three Daughters came to
John Bull,
and what Advice they gave him; wherein is briefly treated the Characters of the three Daughters: Also
John Bull
's Answer to the three Guardians. 15
CHAP. V. Esquire
South
's Message and Letter to Mrs.
Bull.
22
John Bull
in his Senses.
CHAP. I. Mrs.
Bull
's Vindication of the indispensable Duty of Cuckoldom, incumbent upon Wives, in case of the Tyranny, Infidelity, or Insufficiency of Husbands: Being a full Answer to the Doctor's Sermon against
Adultery.
JOHN found daily fresh Proofs of the Infidelity and bad Designs of his deceas'd Wife; amongst other Things, one Day looking over his Cabinet, he found the following Paper.
IT is evident that Matrimony is founded upon an original Contract, whereby the Wife makes over the Right she has by the Law of Nature to the
Concubitus vagus,
in favour of the Husband, by which he acquires the Property of all her Posterity; but then the Obligation is mutual: And where the Contract is broken on one side, it ceases to bind on the other; where there is a Right, there must be a Power to maintain it, and to punish the offending Party. This Power I affirm to be that Original Right, or rather that indispensable Duty of Cuckoldom, lodg'd in all Wives, in the Cases above-mention'd. No Wife is bound by any Law to which she her self has not consented: All Oeconomical Government is lodg'd originally in the Husband and Wife, the executive part being in the Husband, both have their Privileges secur'd to them by Law and Reason; but will any Man infer from the Husband's being invested with the executive Power, that the Wife is depriv'd of her Share, and that which is the principal Branch of it, the original Right of Cuckoldom? and that she has no remedy left but
Preces & Lacrymae,
or an Appeal to a supreme Court of Judicature? No less frivolous are the Arguments that are drawn, from the general Appellations and Terms of Husband and Wife; a Husband denotes several different sorts of Magistracy, according to the Usages and Customs of different Climates and Countries; in some Eastern Nations it signifies a Tyrant, with the absolute Power of Life and Death. In
Turkey
it denotes an Arbitrary Governor, with power of perpetual Imprisonment; in
Italy
it gives the Husband the power of Poison and Padlocks; in the Countries of
England, France
and
Holland,
it has quite a different Meaning, implying a free and equal Government, securing to the Wife, in certain Cases, the liberty of Cuckoldom, and the property of Pin-money and separate Maintenance; so that the Arguments drawn from the terms of Husband and Wife are fallacious, and by no means fit to support a tyrannical Doctrine, as that of absolute unlimited Chastity, and conjugal Fidelity.
The general Exhortations to Chastity in Wives, are meant only for Rules in ordinary Cases, but they naturally suppose the three Conditions of Ability, Justice and Fidelity, in the Husband; such an unlimited, uncondition'd Fidelity in the Wife could never be supposed by reasonable Men; it seems a reflexion upon the Ch—ch, to charge her with Doctrines that countenance Oppression.
This Doctrine of the original Right of Cuckoldom is congruous to the Law of Nature, which is superior to all human Laws, and for that I dare appeal to all Wives: It is much to the Honour of our
English
Wives, that they have never given up that
fundamental Point;
and that tho' in former Ages they were muffled up in Darkness and Superstition, yet that Notion seem'd engraven on their Minds, and the Impression so strong, that nothing could impair it.
To assert the Illegality of Cuckoldom, upon any Pretence whatsoever, were to cast odious Colours upon the married State, to blacken the necessary Means of perpetuating Families: Such Laws can never be suppos'd to have been design'd to defeat the very end of Matrimony, the Propagation of Mankind. I call them necessary Means, for in many Cases what other Means are left? Such a Doctrine wounds the Honour of Families, unsettles the Titles to Kingdoms, Honours and Estates; for if the Actions from which such Settlements spring were illegal, all that is built upon them must be so too; but the last is absurd, therefore the first must be so likewise. What is the Cause that
Europe
groans, at present, under the heavy Load of a cruel and expensive War, but the tyrannical Custom of a certain Nation, and the scrupulous Nicety of a silly Quean, in not exercising this indispensable Duty of Cuckoldom, whereby the Kingdom might have had an Heir, and a controverted Succession might have been avoided? These are the Effects of the narrow Maxims of your Clergy,
That one must not do Evil, that Good may come of it.
The Assertors of this indefeasible Right, and
Jus Divinum
of Matrimony, do all in their Hearts favour Gallants, and the Pretenders to married Women; for if the true legal Foundation of the married State be once sap'd, and instead thereof tyrannical Maxims introduc'd, what must follow but Elopements. instead of secret and peaceable Cuckoldom?
From all that has been said, one may clearly perceive the Absurdity of the Doctrine of this seditious discontented, hot-headed, ungifted, unedifying Preacher, asserting,
That the grand Security of the matrimonial State, and the Pillar upon which it stands,
founded upon the Wife's belief of an absolute uncondition
Fidelity to the Husband's Bed:
By which bold Asse
tion he strikes at the Root, digs the Foundation, a
removes the Basis upon which the Happiness of
married State is built. As for his personal Reflexions, I would gladly know who are those
Wanton Wives
he speaks of? who are those Ladies of high Stations, that he so boldly traduces in his Sermon? It is pretty plain who these Aspersions are aim'd at, for which he deserves the Pillory, or something worse.
In confirmation of this Doctrine of the indispensable Duty of Cuckoldom, I could deduce the Example of the wisest Wives in all Ages, who by these means have preserv'd their Husband's Families from Ruin and Oblivion, by want of Posterity; but what has been said, is a sufficient Ground for punishing this pragmatical Parson.
CHAP. II. The two great Parties of Wives, the
Devoto's
and the
Hitts.
THE Doctrine of unlimited Chastity and Fidelity in Wives, was universally espous'd by all Husbands, who went about the Country, and made the Wives sign Papers, signifying their utter Detestation and Abhorrence of Mrs.
Bull
's wicked Doctrine of the indispensable Duty of Cuckoldom. Some yielded, others refused to part with their native Liberty; which gave rise to two great Parties amongst the Wives, the
Devoto's
and the
Hitts.
Tho' it must
e own'd, the distinction was more nominal than
eal; for the
Devoto's
would abuse Freedoms some
imes; and those who were distinguish'd by the Name
Hitts,
were often very honest. At the same
me there was an ingenious Treatise came out, with
e Title of
Good Advice to Husbands;
in which they
counsell'd not to trust too much to their Wives
ning the Doctrine of unlimited conjugal Fidelity,
d so to neglect Family Duty, and a due watchfulness over the Manners of their Wives; that the greatest Security to Husbands was a vigorous Constitution, good Usage of their Wives, and keeping them from Temptation; many Husbands having been Sufferers by their trusting too much to general Professions, as was exemplified in the Case of a foolish and negligent Husband, who trusting to the Efficacy of this Principle, was undone by his Wife's Elopement from him.
CHAP. II. An Account of the Conference between Mrs.
Bull
and
Don Diego Dismallo.
IS it possible, Cousin
Bull,
that you can forget the honourable Maxims of the Family you are come of, and break your word with three of the honestest best meaning Persons in the World, Esquire
South, Frog
and
Hocus,
that have sacrific'd their Interest to yours? It is base to take Advantage of their Simplicity and Credulity, and leave them in the lurch at last.
I am sure they have left my Family in a bad Condition, we have hardly Money to go to Market, and no Body will take our Words for Six Pence. A very fine Spark this Esquire
South!
My Husband took him in, a dirty, snotty-nos'd Boy, it was the Business of half the Servants to attend him, the Rogue did bawl and make such a noise: Sometimes he fell in the Fire and burnt his Face, sometimes broke his Shins clambering over the Benches, often piss'd a-Bed, and always came in so dirty, as if he had been dragg'd thro' the Kennel at a Boarding-School. He lost his Money at Chuck-Farthing, Shuffle-Cap, and All-Fours; sold his Books, pawn'd his Linnen, which we were always forc'd to redeem. Then the whole Generation of him are so in love with Bagpipes and Poppet Shows; I wish you knew what my Husband has paid at the Pastry Cooks and Confectioners, for
Naples
Biscuit, Tarts, Custards, and Sweet-Meats. All this while my Husband consider'd him as a Gentleman of a good Family that had fallen into Decay, gave him good Education, and has settled him in a good Credible way of Living, having procur'd him, by his Interest, one of the best Places of the Country; and what return, think you, does this fine Gentleman make us? he will hardly give me or my Husband a good Word, or a civil Expression: Instead of plain Sir and Madam (which, tho' I say it, is our doe) he calls us
Goody
and
Gaffer
such a one, that he did us a great deal Honour to Board with us; huffs and dings at such a rate, because we will not spend the little we have left to get him the Title and Estate of Lord
Strutt;
and then, forsooth, we shall have the Honour to be his Woollen-drapers.
And would you lose the Honour of so noble and generous an Undertaking? would you rather accept the scandalous Composition, and trust that old Rogue,
Lewis Baboon?
Look you, Friend
Diego,
if we Law it on till
Lewis
turns honest, I am afraid our Credit will run low at
Blackwell-Hall;
I wish every Man had his own; but I still say, that Lord
Strutt
's Money shines as bright, and chinks as well as Esquire
South
's. I don't know any other Hold that we Tradesmen have of these great Folks, but their Interest; buy dear, and sell cheap, and I'll warrant ye you will keep your Customer. The worst is, that Lord
Strutt
's Servants have got such a haunt about that old Rogue's Shop, that it will cost us many a Firkin of strong Beer to bring them back again, and the longer they are in a bad Road, the harder it will be to get them out of it.
But poor
Frog,
what has he done! On my Conscience, if there be an honest, sincere Man in the World, it is that
Frog.
I think I need not tell you how much
Frog
has been oblig'd to our Family from his Childhood; he carries his Head high now, but he had never been the Man he is, without our Help. Ever since the Commencement of this Law-Suit it has been the Business of
Hocus,
in sharing our Expences, to plead for
Frog. Poor
Frog, (says he)
is in hard Circumstances, he has a numerous Family, and lives from Hand to Mouth; his Children don't eat a bit of good Victuals from one Year's end to the other, but live upon Salt Herring, sowr Crud, and Bore-cole; he does his utmost, poor Fellow, to keep things even in the World, and has exerted himself beyond his Ability in this Law-Suit, but he really has not where-withal to go on. What signifies this Hundred Pounds, place it upon your side of the Account; it is a great deal to poor
Frog,
and a Trifle to you.
This has been
Hocus
's constant Language, and I am sure he has had Obligations enough to us to have acted another Part.
No doubt
Hocus
meant all this for the best, but he is a tender-hearted charitable Men;
Frog
is indeed in hard Circumstances.
Hard Circumstances! I swear this is provoking to the last degree. All the time of the Law-Suit, as fast as I have Mortgaged,
Frog
has purchas'd: From a plain Tradesman, with a Shop, Warehouse, and a Country-Hutt, with a dirty Fish-Pond at the end of it, he is now grown a very rich Country Gentleman, with a noble-landed Estate, noble Palaces, Manors, Parks, Gardens and Farms, finer than any we were ever Master of. Is it not strange, when my Husband disburs'd great Sums every Term,
Frog
should be purchasing some new Farm or Manor? So that if this Law-Suit lasts, he will be far the richest Man in his Country. What is worse than all this, he steals away my Customers every Day; I have Twelve of the richest, and the best, that have left my Shop by his Perswasion, and whom, to my certain Knowledge, he has under Bonds never to return again: Judge you if this be neighbourly Dealing.
Frog
is indeed pretty close in his Dealings, but very honest: You are so touchy, and take things so hotly, I am sure there must be some Mistake in this.
A plaguy one indeed! You know, and have often told me of it, how
Hocus
and those Rogues kept my Husband,
John Bull,
drunk for five Years together, with Punch and Strong Waters; I am sure he never went one Night sober to Bed, till they got him to sign the strangest Deed that ever you saw in your Life. The Methods they took to manage him I'll tell you another time, at present I'll only read the Writing.
Articles of Agreement betwixt
John Bull,
Clothier, and
Nicholas Frog,
Linnen-draper.
I. That for maintaining the ancient good Correspondence and Friendship between the said Parties, I
Nicholas Frog
do solemnly engage and promise to keep Peace in John Bull's Family; that neither his Wife, Children nor Servants give him any Trouble, Disturbance or Molestation whatsoever, but to oblige them all to do their Duty quietly in their respective Stations: And whereas the said
John Bull,
from the assured Confidence that he has in my Friendship, has appointed me Executor of his Last Will and Testament, and Guardian to his Children, I do undertake for me, my Heirs and Assigns, to see the same duly execused and performed, and that it shall be unalterable in all its Parts by
John Bull
or any Body else: For that purpose it shall be lawful and allowable for me to enter his House at any Hour of the Day or Night, to break open Bars, Bolts and Doors, Chests of Drawers and strong Boxes, in order to secure the Peace of my Friend
John Bull
's Family, and to see his Will duly executed.
II. In Consideration of which kind neighbourly Office of Nicholas Frog, in that he has been pleas'd to accept of the foresaid Trust, I
John Bull,
having duly consider'd that my Friend
Nicholas Frog
at this time lives in a marshy Soil and unwholesome Air, infested with Fogs and Damps, destructive of the Health of himself, Wife and Children, do bind and oblige me, my Heirs and Assigns, to Purchase for the said
Nicholas Frog,
with the best and readiest of my Cash, Bonds, Mortgages, Goods and Chattels, a landed Estate, with Parks, Gardens, Palaces, Rivers, Fields and Outlets, consisting of as large Extent as the said
Nicholas Frog
shall think fit: And whereas the said
Nicholas Frog
is at present hem'd in too close by the Grounds of
Lewis Baboon, Master of the Science of Defence,
I the said
John Bull
do oblige my self, with the readiest of my Cash, to Purchase and Enclose the said Grounds, for as many Fields and Acres as the said
Nicholas
shall think fit; to the intent that the said
Nicholas
may have free Egress and Regress, without Lett or Molestation, suitable to the Demands of himself and Family.
III. Furthermore, the said
John Bull
obliges himself to make the Country-Neighbours of
Nicholas Frog,
allot a certain part of Yearly Rents, to pay for the Repairs of the said landed Estate, to the intent that his good Friend
Nicholas Frog
may be eased of all Charges.
IV. And whereas the said
Nicholas Frog
did Contract with the deceased Lord
Strutt
about certain Liberties, Privileges and Immunities, formerly in the Possession of the said
John Bull;
I the said
John Bull
do freely, by these Presents, renounce, quit and make over to the said
Nicholas
the Liberties, Privileges and Immunities contracted for, in as full manner as if they never had belong'd to me.
V. The said
John Bull
obliges himself, his Heirs and Assigns, not to sell one Rag of Broad or Course Cloath to any Gentleman, within the Neighbourhood of the said
Nicholas,
except in such Quantities and such Rates, as the said
Nicholas
shall think fit.
Sign'd and Seal'd,
John Bull,
Nic. Frog.
The reading of this Paper put Mrs.
Bull
in such a Passion, that she fell downright into a Fit, and they were forc'd to give her a good quantity of the Spirit of Hartshorn before she recover'd.
Why in such a Passion, Cousin? Considering your Circumstances at that time, I don't think this such an unreasonable Contract. You see
Frog,
for all this, is religiously true to his Bargain, he scorns to hearken to any Competition without your Privacy.
You know the contrary, read that Letter.
Reads the Superscription.
For
Lewis Baboon,
Master of the Noble Science of Defence.
SIR,
I Understand that you are at this time Treating with my Friend
John Bull,
about restoring the Lord
Strutt's
Custom, and besides allowing him certain Privileges of Parks and Fish-Ponds: I wonder how you, that are a Man that knows the World, can talk with that simple Fellow. He has been my Bubble these Twenty Years, and, to my certain knowledge, understands no more of his own Affairs, than a Child in Swadling-Cloaths. I know he has got a sort of a pragmatical silly Jade of a Wife, that pretends to take him out of my Hands, but you and she both will find your selves mistaken, I'll find those that shall manage her; and for him, he dares as well be hang'd as make one step in his Affairs, without my consent. If you will give me what you promised him, I will make all things easie, and stop the Deeds of Ejectment against Lord
Strutt;
if you will not, take what follows; I shall have a good Action against you, for pretending to rob me of my Bubble. Take this warning from
Your loving Friend, Nic. Frog.
I am told, Cousin
Diego,
you are one of those that have undertaken to manage me, and that you have said you will carry a Green Eag your self, rather than we shall make an end of our Law-Suit: I'll teach them and you too to manage.
For God's sake, Madam, why so Cholerick? I say, this Letter is some Forgery, it never enter'd into the Head of that honest Man,
Nic. Frog,
to do any such think.
I can't abide you, you have been railing these Twenty Years at Esquire
South, Frog
and
Hocus,
calling them Rogues and Pick-Pockets, and now they are turn'd the honestest Fellows in the World; what is the meaning of all this?
Pray tell me how you came to employ this Sir
Roger
in your Affairs, and not think of your old Friend
Diego?
So, so, there it pinches. To tell you truth, I have employ'd Sir
Roger
in several weighty Affairs, and have found him trusty and honest, and the poor Man always scorn'd to take a Farthing of me. I have abundance that profess great Zeal, but they are damnable greedy of the Pence. My Husband and I are now in such Circumstances, that we must be serv'd upon cheaper Terms than we have been.
Well, Cousin, I find I can do no good with you, I am sorry that you will ruin your self by trusting this Sir
Roger.
CHAP. IV. How the Guardians of the deceas'd Mrs.
Bull
's three Daughters came to
John,
and what Advice they gave him; wherein is briefly treated the Characters of the three Daughters: Also
John Bull
's Answer to the three Guardians.
I Told you in my first Part, that Mrs.
Bull,
before she departed this Life, had bless'd
John
with three Daughters; I need not here repeat their Names, neither would I willingly use any scandalous Reflections upon young Ladies, whose Reputations ought to be very tenderly handled; but the Characters of these were so well known in the Neighbourhood, that it is doing them no Injury to make a short Description of them.
The Eldest was a termagant, imperious, prodigal. lewd, profligate Wench, as ever breath'd; she used to Rantipole about the House, pinch the Children, kick the Servants, and torture the Cats and the Dogs; she would rob her Father's strong Box, for Money to give the young Fellows that she was fond of: She had a noble Air, and something great in her Mein, but such a noisome infectious Breath, as threw all the Servants that dress'd her into Consumptions; if she smelt to the freshest Nosegay, it would shrivel and wither as it had been blighted: She us'd to come home in her Cups, and break the
China,
and the Looking-glasses, and was of such an irregular Temper, and so entirely given up to her Passion, that you might argue as well with the Northwind, as with her Ladyship; so Expensive, that the Income of three Dukedoms was not enough to supply her Extravagance.
Hocus
lov'd her best, believing her to be his own, got upon the Body of Mrs.
Bull.
The second Daughter, born a Year after her Sister, was a peevish, froward, ill-condition'd Creature as ever was born, ugly as the Devil, lean, haggard, pale, with saucer Eyes, a sharp Nose and hunch-back'd, but active, sprightly and diligent about her Affairs. Her Ill-Complexion was occasion'd by her bad Diet, which was Coffee, Morning, Noon and Night. She never rested quietly a Bed, but used to disturb the whole Family with shrieking out in her Dreams, and plague them next Day with interpreting them, for she took them all for Gospel. She would cry out Murder, and disturb the whole Neighbourhood; and when
John
came running down Stairs to enquire what the Matter was, nothing forsooth, only her Maid had stuck a Pin wrong in her Gown. She turn'd away one Servant for putting too much Oil in her Sallad, and another for putting too little Salt in her Water-Cruel. But such as by Flattery had procur'd her Esteem, she would indulge in the greatest Crimes. Her Father had two Coachmen, when one was in the Coach-box, if the Coach swung but the least to one side, she used to shriek so loud, that all the Street concluded she was overturn'd; but tho' the other was eternally Drunk, and had overturn'd the whole Family, she was very angry with her Father for turning him away. Then she used to carry Tales and Stories from one to another, till she had set the whole Neighbourhood together by the Ears; and this was the only Diversion she took pleasure in. She never went abroad, but she brought home such a bundle of monstrous Lyes as would have amaz'd any Mortal, but such as knew her: Of a Whale that had swallow'd a Fleet of Ships; of the Lyons being let out of the
Tower,
to destroy the Protestant Religion; of the Pope's being seen in a Brandy Shop at
Wapping,
and a prodigious strong Man that was going to shove down the
Cupola
of
Paul's;
of Three millions of Five Pound Pieces that Esquire
South
had found under an old Wall; of Blazing-Stars, Flying Dragons, and abundance of such Stuff. All the Servants in the Family made high Court to her, for she Domineer'd there, and turn'd out and in whom she pleas'd; only there was an old Grudge between her and Sir
Roger,
whom she mortally hated, and used to hire Fellows to squirt Kennel Water upon him as he pass'd along the Streets, so that he was forc'd constantly to wear a Surtout of oil'd Cloath, by which means he came home pretty clean, except where the Surtout was a little scanty.
As for the Third, she was a Thief, and a common mercenary Prostitute, and that without any Solicitation from Nature, for she own'd she had no Enjoyment. She had no Respect of Persons, a Prince or a Porter was all one, according as they paid; yea she would leave the finest Gentleman in the World to go to an ugly pocky Fellow, for Six Pence more. In the practice of her Profession she had amass'd vast Magazines of all sorts of Things; she had above Five hundred Suits of fine Clothes, and yet went abroad like a Cynder-Wench: She robb'd and starv'd all the Servants, so that no Body could live near her.
So much for
John
's three Daughters, which you will say were Rarities to be fond of. Yet Nature will show it self; no Body could blame their Relations for taking care of them, and therefore it was that
Hocus,
with two other of the Guardians, thought it their Duty to take care of the Interest of the three Girls, and give
John
their best Advice, before he Compounded the Law-Suit.
What makes you so shy of late, my good Friend? There's no Body loves you better than I, nor has taken more pains in your Affairs: As I hop'd to be sav'd I would do any thing to serve you, I would crawl upon all Four to serve you; I have spent my Health, and paternal Estate in your Service; I have, indeed, a small Pittance left, with which I might retire, and with as good a Conscience as any Man. But the thoughts of this disgraceful Composition so touches me to the Quick, that I cannot sleep: After I had brought the Cause to the last Stroke, that one Verdict more had quite ruin'd old
Lewis
and Lord
Strutt,
and put you in the quiet Possession of every thing; then to Compound, I cannot bear it. This Cause was my Favourite, I had set my Heart upon it; it is like an only Child, I cannot endure it should miscarry: For God sake consider only to what a dismal Condition old
Lewis
is brought: He is at an end of all his Cash, his Attorneys have hardly one Trick left, they are at an end of all their
Chicane;
besides, he has both his Law and his daily Bread now upon Trust: Hold out only one Term longer, and, I'll warrant you, before the next, we shall have him in the
Fleet.
I'll bring him to the Pillory, his Ears shall pay for his Perjuries; for the Love of God don't Compound, let me be Damn'd if you have a Friend in the World that loves you better than I; there is no Body can say I am Covetous, or that I have any Interest to pursue but yours.
There is nothing so plain, than that this
Lewis
has a design to Ruin all his neighbouring Tradesmen, and at this time he has such a prodigious Income, by his Trade of all kinds, that if there is not some stop put to his Exorbitant Riches, he will Monopolize every thing, and no Body will be able to sell a Yard of Drapery or Mercery Ware but himself. I therefore hold it advisable, that you continue the Law-Suit, and burst him at once. My Concern for the three poor Motherless Children obliges me to give you this Advice, for their Estates, poor Girls, depend upon the Success of this Cause.
I own this Writ of Ejectment has cost dear, but then consider it is a Jewel well worth the Purchasing, at the Price of all you have. None but Mr.
Bull
's declar'd Enemies can say he has any other Security for his Cloathing Trade, but the Ejectment of Lord
Strutt.
The only Question then that remains to be decided, is, Who shall stand the: Expences of the Suit? To which the Answer is as plain, Who but he that is to have the Advantage of the Sentence? When Esquire
South
has got Possession of his Title and Honour, is not
John Bull
to be his Clothier? Who then but
John
ought to put him in Possession? Ask but any indifferent Gentleman who ought to bear his Charges at Law? and he will readily answer, his Tradesmen. I do therefore affirm, and I will go to Death with it, that, being his Clothier, you ought to put him in quiet Possession of his Estate, and with the same generous Spirit you have begun it, compleat the good Work. If you persist in the bad Measures you are now in, what must become of the three poor Orphans? My Heart bleeds for the poor Girls.
You are all very eloquent Persons, but give me leave to tell you, that you express a great deal of more Concern for the three Girls than for me; I think my Interest ought to be consider'd in the first place. As for you,
Hocus,
I can't but say you have managed my Law-Suit with great Address, and much to my Honour; and, tho' I say it, you have been well paid for it; never was Attornies Bill more Extravagant, and, give me leave to say, there are many Articles which the most griping of your Profession never demanded. I have trusted you with the disbursing great Sums of Money, and you have constantly sunk some into your own Pocket. I tell you I don't like that Sinking. Why must the Burthen be taken off
Frog
's Back, and laid upon my Shoulders? He can drive about his own Parks and Fields in his gilt Chariot, when I have been forc'd to Mortgage my Estate! his Note will go farther than my Bond! Is it not Matter of Fact, that from the richest Tradesman in all the Country, I am reduced to beg and borrow from Scriveners and Usurers, that suck the Heart, Blood and Guts out of me, and what was all this for? Did you like
Frog
's Countenance better than mine? Was not I your old Friend and Relation? Have I not Presented you nobly? Have I not clad your whole Family? Have you not had an Hundred Yards at a time, of the finest Cloath in my Shop? Why must the rest of the Tradesmen be not only indemnified from Charges, but forbid to go on with their own Business; and what is more their Concern than mine? As to holding out this Term, I Appeal to your own Conscience, has not that been your constant Discourse these Six Years, one
Term more, and old
Lewis
goes to Pot;
if thou art so fond of my Cause, be generous for once, and lend me a brace of Thousands. Ah
Hocus! Hocus!
I know thee, not a Sous to save me from Goal, I trow. Look ye, Gentlemen, I have liv'd with Credit in the World, and it grieves my Heart, never to stir out of my Doors, but to be pull'd by the Sleeve by some Rascally Dun, or another:
Sir, Remember my Bill: There's a small Concern of a Thousand Pounds, I hope you think on't, Sir.
And to have these Usurers transact my Debts at Coffee-Houses and Ale-Houses, as if I were going to break-up Shop. Lord! That ever the Rich, the Generous
John Bull,
Clothier, the Envy of all his Neighbours, should be brought to Compound his Debts for Five Shillings in the Pound; and to have his Name in an Advertisement, for a Statute of Bankrupt. The Thoughts of it makes me Mad. I have read some-where in the
Apocrypha,
That one should not
consult with a Woman touching her, of whom she is Jealous; nor with a Merchant, concerning Exchange, nor with a Buyer, of Selling; nor with an unmerciful Man of Kindness,
&c. I could have added one thing more;
Nor with an Attorney, about Compounding a Law-Suit.
This Ejectment of Lord
Strutt
will never do. The Evidence is Crimp; the Witnesses swear backwards and forwards, and Contradict themselves, and his Tenants stick by him. If it were practicable, is it reasonable, that when Esquire
South
is losing his Money to Sharpers and Pick-Pockets, going about the Country with Fidlers and Buffoons, and squandring his Income with Hawks and Dogs, I should lay out the Fruits of my honest Industry in a Law-Suit for him, only upon the hopes of being his Clothier? and when the Cause is over, I shall not have the Benefit of my Project, for want of Money to go to Market. Look ye, Gentlemen,
John Bull
is but a plain Man; but
John Bull
knows when he is ill used. I know the Infirmity of our Family; we are apt to play the Boon-Companion, and throw away our Money in our Cups: But it was an unfair thing in you, Gentlemen, to take Advantage of my Weakness, to keep a parcel of roaring Bulleys about me, Day and Night, with Huzza's, and Hunting-Horns, and Ringing the Changes on Butchers Cleavers; never to let me cool, and make me set my Hands to Papers, when I could hardly hold my Pen. There will come a Day of Reckoning for all that Proceeding. In the mean time, Gentlemen, I beg you will let me into my Affairs a little, and that you would not grudge me very small Remainder of a very great Estate.
CHAP. V. Esquire
South
's Message and Letter to Mrs.
Bull.
THE Arguments us'd by
Hocus,
and the rest of the Guardians, had hitherto prov'd insufficient.
John
and his Wife could not be perswaded to bear the Expence of Esquire
South
's Law-Suit. They thought it reasonable, that since he was to have the Honour and Advantage, he would bear the greatest Share of the Charges; and retrench what he lost to Sharpers, and spent upon Country-Dances, and Puppet-Plays, to apply it to that use. This was not very grateful to the Esquire: Therefore, as the last Experiment, he was resolved to send Signior
Benenato,
Master of his Fox-Hounds, to Mrs.
Bull,
to try what good he could do with her. This Signior
Benenato
had all the Qualities of a fine Gentleman, that were fit to Charm a Lady's Heart; and if any Person in the World could have perswaded her, it was he: But such was her unshaken Fidelity to her Husband, and the constant Purpose of her Mind to pursue his Interest, that the most refined Arts of Gallantry, that were practis'd, could not seduce her Loyal Heart. The Necklaces, Diamond Crosses, and rich Bracelets that were offer'd, she rejected with the utmost Scorn and Disdain. The Musick and Serenades that were given her, sounded more ungratefully in her Ears, than the Noise of a Screech Owl; however she receiv'd Esquire
South
's Letter, by the Hands of Signior
Benenato,
with that Respect which became his Quality. The Copy of the Letter is as follows; in which you will observe he Changes, a little, his usual Stile.
MADAM,
THE Writ of Ejectment against
Philip Baboon,
pretended Lord
Strutt,
is just ready to pass; there wants but a few necessary Forms, and a Verdict or two more, to put me in the quiet Possession of my Honour and Estate: I question not, but that, according to your wonted Generosity and Goodness, you will give it the finishing Stroke; an Honour that I would grudge any Body, but your self. In order to ease you of some part of the Charges, I promise to furnish Pen, Ink and Paper, provided you pay for the Stamps. Besides, I have order'd my Steward to pay, out of the readiest and best of my Rents, Five Pounds ten Shillings a Year, 'till my Suit is finished. I wish you Health and Happiness, being, with due Respect,
MADAM,
Your assured Friend, SOUTH.
What Answer Mrs.
Bull
return'd to this Letter, you shall know in my Third Part, only they were at a pretty good distance in their Proposals; for as Esquire
South
only offer'd to be at the Charges of Pen, Ink and Paper, Mrs
Bull
refus'd any more than to lend her Barge, to carry his Counsel to
Westminster-Hall.
FINIS.
Books Sold by
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LAW is a Bottomless-Pit: Exemplified in the Case of the Lord Strut, John Ball, Nicholas Frog, and Lewis Baboon; who spent all they had in a Law-Suit. Printed from a Manuscript found in the Cabinet of the famous Sir Humphry Polesworth. The Second Edition. Price 3 d.
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