THE GHOST. BOOK IV. BY C. CHURCHILL.
LONDON: Printed for J. COOTE, in Pater-noster-Row; W. FLEXNEY, at Gray's-Inn Gate, Holborn; G. KEARSLY, Ludgate-Street; T. HENDERSON, at the Royal-Exchange; J. GARDNER, in Charles-Street, Westminster; and J. ALMON, in Piccadilly. MDCCLXIII.
THE GHOST. BOOK IV.
COXCOMBS,
who vainly make pretence
To something of exalted sense
'Bove other men, and,
gravely wise,
Affect those pleasures to despise,
Which, merely to the eye confin'd,
Bring no improvement to the mind,
Rail at all pomp; They would not go
For millions to a
Puppet-Show,
Nor can forgive the mighty crime
Of countenancing
Pantomime
;
No, not at COVENT-GARDEN, where,
Without a head for play or play'r,
Or, could a head be found most fit,
Without one play'r to second it,
They must, obeying
Folly
's call,
Thrive by mere shew, or not at all.
With these
grave
Fops, who (bless their brains)
Most cruel to themselves, take pains
For wretchedness, and would be thought
Much wiser than a wise man ought
For his own happiness to be,
Who, what they hear, and what they see,
And what they smell, and taste, and feel,
Distrust, till REASON sets her seal,
And, by long trains of consequences
Ensur'd, gives Sanction to the
Senses
;
Who would not, Heav'n forbid it! waste
One hour in what the World calls Taste,
Nor fondly deign to laugh or cry
Unless they know some reason why;
With these
grave
Fops, whose system seems
To give up Certainty for dreams,
The
Eye
of Man is understood
As for no other purpose good
Than as a door, thro' which of course
Their passage crouding objects force,
A downright Usher, to admit
New-Comers to the Court of
Wit.
(Good GRAVITY, forbear thy spleen
When I say
Wit,
I
Wisdom
mean.)
Where (such the practice of the Court,
Which legal Precedents support)
Not one Idea is allow'd
To pass unquestion'd in the crowd,
But e're It can obtain the grace
Of holding in the brain a place,
Before the Chief in Congregation
Must stand a
strict Examination.
Not such as
Those,
who PHYSIC twirl,
Full fraught with death, from ev'ry curl,
Who prove, with all becoming State,
Their voice to be the voice of Fate,
Prepar'd with
Essence, Drop,
and
Pill,
To be another WARD, or HILL,
Before they can obtain their Ends
To sign Death-warrants for their Friends,
And talents vast as their's employ,
Secundum Artem
to destroy,
Must pass (or Laws their rage restrain)
Before the Chiefs of
Warwick-Lane.
Thrice happy
Lane,
where uncontroul'd,
In
Pow'r
and
Lethargy
grown old,
Most fit to take, in this blest Land,
The reins which fell from WYNDHAM's hand,
Her lawful throne great DULLNESS rears,
Still more herself as more in Years;
Where She (and who shall dare deny
Her right, when REEVES and CHAUNCY's by)
Calling to mind, in antient time,
One GARTH who err'd in Wit and Rhime,
Ordains from henceforth to admit
None of the rebel Sons of Wit,
And makes it her peculiar care
That SCHOMBERG never shall be there.
Not such as
Those,
whom FOLLY trains
To Letters, tho' unbless'd with brains,
Who, destitute of pow'r and will
To learn, are kept to learning still;
Whose heads, when other methods fail,
Receive instruction from the tail,
Because their Sires, a common case,
Which brings the Children to disgrace,
Imagine it a certain rule,
They never could beget a Fool,
Must pass, or must
compound for,
ere
The
Chaplain,
full of beef and pray'r,
Will give his
reverend Permit,
Announcing them for Orders fit,
So that the Prelate (what's a Name?
All Prelates now are much the same)
May with a conscience safe and quiet,
With holy hands lay on that
Fiat,
Which doth all faculties dispense,
All Sanctity, all Faith, all Sense,
Makes MADAN quite a Saint appear,
And makes an Oracle of CHEERE.
Not such as in that solemn seat,
Where the
nine Ladies
hold retreat,
The
Ladies nine,
who, as we're told,
Scorning those haunts they lov'd of old,
The banks of ISIS now prefer,
Nor will one hour from OXFORD stir,
Are held for form; which BALAAM's
Ass
As well as BALAAM's self might pass,
And with his Master take degrees,
Could he contrive to pay the Fees.
Men of sound parts, who, deeply read,
O'erload the Storehouse of the head
With furniture they ne'er can use,
Cannot forgive our rambling Muse
This wild excursion; cannot see
Why
Physic
and
Divinity,
To the Surprize of all beholders,
Are lugg'd in by the head and shoulders;
Or how, in any point of view,
OXFORD hath any thing to do;
But Men of nice and subtle Learning,
Remarkable for quick discerning,
Thro' Spectacles of critic mould,
Without instruction, will behold
That We a Method here have got,
To shew What is, by What is not,
And that our drift
(Parenthesis
For once apart) is briefly this.
Within the brain's most secret cells,
A certain
Lord Chief Justice
dwells
Of sov'reign pow'r, whom One and All,
With common Voice, We REASON call;
Tho', for the purposes of Satire,
A name in Truth is no great Matter,
JEFFERIES or MANSFIELD, which You will,
It means a
Lord Chief Justice
still.
Here,
so our great Projectors say,
The Senses all must homage pay,
Hither
They all must tribute bring,
And prostrate fall before their King.
Whatever unto them is brought,
Is carry'd on the wings of Thought
Before his throne, where, in full state,
He on their merits holds debate,
Examines, Cross-examines, Weighs
Their right to censure or to praise;
Nor doth his equal voice depend
On narrow Views of foe and friend,
Nor can or flattery or force
Divert him from his steady course;
The Channel of Enquiry's clear,
No
sham Examination
's here.
He, upright Justicer, no doubt,
Ad libitum
puts in and out,
Adjusts and settles in a trice
What Virtue is, and What is Vice,
What is Perfection, what Defect,
What we must chuse, and what reject;
He takes upon him to explain
What Pleasure is, and what is Pain,
Whilst We, obedient to the Whim,
And resting all our faith on him,
True Members of the
Stoic
weal,
Must learn to think, and cease to feel.
This glorious System form'd, for Man
To practise when and how he can,
If the five Senses in alliance
To Reason hurl a proud defiance,
And, tho' oft conquer'd, yet unbroke,
Endeavour to throw off that yoke,
Which they a greater slav'ry hold,
Than Jewish Bondage was of old;
Or if They, something touch'd with shame,
Allow him to retain the name
Of Royalty, and, as in Sport,
To hold a mimic formal Court;
Permitted, no uncommon thing,
To be a kind of Puppet King,
And suffer'd, by the way of toy,
To hold a globe, but not employ;
Our
System-mongers,
struck with fear,
Prognosticate destruction near;
All things to Anarchy must run;
The little World of Man's undone.
Nay should the
Eye,
that nicest Sense,
Neglect to send intelligence
Unto the Brain, distinct and clear,
Of all that passes in her sphere,
Should She presumptuous joy receive,
Without the Understanding's leave,
They deem it rank and daring Treason
Against the Monarchy of REASON,
Not thinking, tho' they're
wondrous
wise,
That few have
Reason,
most have
Eyes
;
So that the Pleasures of the Mind
To a small circle are confin'd,
Whilst those which to the Senses fall,
Become the Property of All.
Besides (and this is sure a Case
Not much at present out of place)
Where NATURE Reason doth deny,
No Art can that defect supply,
But if (for it is our intent
Fairly to state the argument)
A Man should want an eye or two,
The Remedy is sure, tho' new;
The Cure's at hand—no need of Fear—
For proof—behold the CHEVALIER—
As well prepar'd, beyond all doubt,
To put Eyes in, as put them out.
But, Argument apart, which tends
T' embitter foes, and sep'rate friends,
(Nor, turn'd apostate for the
Nine,
Would I, tho' bred up a Divine,
And foe of course to Reason's weal,
Widen that breach I cannot heal)
By his own Sense and Feelings taught,
In speech as lib'ral as in thought,
Let ev'ry Man enjoy his whim;
What's He to Me, or I to him?
Might I, tho' never rob'd in
Ermine,
A matter of this weight determine,
No Penalties should settled be
To force men to Hypocrisy,
To make them ape an awkward zeal,
And, feeling not, pretend to feel.
I would not have, might sentence rest
Finally fix'd within my breast,
E'en ANNET censur'd and confin'd,
Because we're of a diff'rent mind.
NATURE, who in her act most free,
Herself delights in Liberty,
Profuse in Love, and, without bound,
Pours joy on ev'ry creature round;
Whom yet, was ev'ry bounty shed
In double Portions on our head,
We could not truly bounteous call,
If FREEDOM did not crown them all.
By Providence forbid to stray,
Brutes
never can mistake their way,
Determin'd still, they plod along
By Instinct, neither right nor wrong;
But Man, had he the heart to use
His Freedom, hath a right to chuse,
Whether He acts or well, or ill,
Depends entirely on his will;
To her last work, her fav'rite Man,
Is giv'n on NATURE's better plan
A Privilege in pow'r to
err,
Nor let this phrase resentment stir
Amongst the grave ones, since indeed,
The little merit Man can plead
In doing well, dependeth still
Upon his pow'r of doing ill.
Opinions should be free as air;
No man, whate'er his rank, whate'er
His Qualities, a claim can found
That my Opinion must be bound,
And square with his; such slavish chains
From foes the lib'ral soul disdains,
Nor can, tho' true to friendship, bend
To wear them even from a friend.
Let Those, who rigid Judgment own,
Submissive bow at Judgment's throne,
And if They of no value hold
Pleasure, till Pleasure is grown cold,
Pall'd and insipid, forc'd to wait
For Judgment's regular debate
To give it warrant, let them find
Dull Subjects suited to their mind;
Their's be slow Wisdom; Be
my
plan
To live as merry as I can,
Regardless as the fashions go,
Whether there's Reason for't, or no;
Be my employment here on earth
To give a lib'ral scope to mirth,
Life's barren vale with flow'rs t' adorn,
And pluck a rose from ev'ry thorn.
But if, by Error led astray,
I chance to wander from my way,
Let no blind guide observe, in spite,
I'm wrong, who cannot set me right.
That Doctor could I ne'er endure,
Who found disease, and not a cure,
Nor can I hold that man a friend,
Whose zeal a helping hand shall lend
To open happy Folly's eyes,
And, making wretched, make me wise;
For next, a Truth which can't admit
Reproof from Wisdom or from Wit,
To
being
happy here below,
Is to
believe
that we are so.
Some few in
knowledge
find relief,
I place my comfort in
belief.
Some for
Reality
may call,
FANCY to me is All in All.
Imagination,
thro' the trick
Of Doctors, often makes us sick,
And why, let any Sophist tell,
May it not likewise make us well?
This am I sure, whate'er our view,
Whatever shadows we pursue,
For our pursuits, be what they will,
Are little more than shadows still,
Too swift they fly, too swift and strong,
For man to catch, or hold them long.
But Joys which in the FANCY live,
Each moment to each man may give.
True to himself, and true to ease,
He softens Fate's severe decrees,
And (can a Mortal wish for more?)
Creates, and makes himself new o'er,
Mocks boasted vain
Reality,
And
Is,
whate'er, he wants to Be.
Hail, FANCY—to thy pow'r I owe
Deliv'rance from the gripe of Woe,
To Thee I owe a mighty debt,
Which Gratitude shall ne'er forget,
Whilst Mem'ry can her force employ,
A large encrease of ev'ry joy.
When at my doors, too strongly barr'd,
Authority
had plac'd a guard,
A
knavish
guard, ordain'd by Law
To keep
poor Honesty
in awe;
Authority,
severe and stern,
To intercept my wish'd return;
When Foes grew proud, and Friends grew cool,
And Laughter seiz'd each sober fool;
When Candour started in amaze,
And, meaning censure, hinted praise;
When Prudence, lifting up her eyes
And hands, thank'd Heav'n, that she was wise;
When All around Me, with an air
Of hopeless Sorrow, look'd Despair,
When They or said, or seem'd to say,
There is but one, one only way;
Better, and be advis'd by us,
Not be at all, than to be thus;
When Virtue shunn'd the shock, and Pride
Disabled, lay by Virtue's side,
Too weak my ruffled soul to chear,
Which could not hope, yet would not fear;
Health in her motion, the wild grace
Of Pleasure speaking in her face,
Dull Regularity thrown by,
And Comfort beaming from her eye,
FANCY, in richest robes array'd,
Came smiling forth, and brought me aid,
Came smiling o'er that dreadful time,
And, more to bless me, came in
Rhime.
Nor is her Pow'r to Me confin'd,
It spreads, It comprehends Mankind.
When (to the Spirit-stirring sound
Of Trumpets breathing Courage round,
And Fifes, well mingled to restrain,
And bring that Courage down again,
Or to the melancholy knell
Of the dull, deep, and doleful bell,
Such as of late the good
Saint Bride
Muffled, to mortify the pride
Of those, who, ENGLAND quite forgot,
Paid their vile homage to the SCOT,
Where ASGILL held the foremost place,
Whilst my Lord figur'd at a race)
Processions
('tis not worth debate
Whether They are of Stage or State)
Move on, so very very slow,
'Tis doubtful if they move or no;
When the Performers all the while
Mechanically frown or smile,
Or, with a dull and stupid stare,
A vacancy of Sense declare,
Or, with down-bending eye, seem wrought
Into a Labyrinth of Thought,
Where Reason wanders still in doubt,
And, once got in, cannot get out;
What cause sufficient can we find
To satisfy a thinking mind,
Why, dup'd by such vain farces, Man
Descends to act on such a plan?
Why They, who hold themselves divine,
Can in such wretched follies join,
Strutting like Peacocks, or like Crows,
Themselves
and
Nature
to expose?
What Cause, but that (you'll understand
We have our Remedy at hand,
That if perchance we start a doubt,
Ere it is fix'd, we wipe it out,
As Surgeons, when they lop a limb,
Whether for Profit, Fame, or Whim,
Or mere experiment to try,
Must always have a
Styptic
by)
FANCY steps in, and stamps that
real,
Which,
ipso facto,
is
Ideal.
Can none remember, yes, I know,
All must remember that rare show,
When to the Country SENSE went down,
And Fools came flocking up to Town,
When
Knights
(a work which all admit
To be for
Knighthood
much unfit)
Built booths for hire; when
Parsons
play'd,
In robes
Canonical
array'd,
And, Fiddling, join'd the
Smithfield
dance,
The price of Tickets to advance;
Or, unto Tapsters turn'd, dealt out,
Running from Booth to Booth about,
To ev'ry Scoundrel, by retail,
True pennyworths of Beef and Ale,
Then first prepar'd, by bringing beer in,
For present grand
Electioneering
;
When
Heralds,
running all about
To bring in Order, turn'd it Out;
When, by the
prudent Marshal
's care,
Lest the rude populace should stare,
And with unhallow'd eyes profane
Gay Puppets of Patrician strain,
The whole Procession, as in spite,
Unheard, unseen, stole off by Night;
When our Lov'd Monarch, nothing loth,
Solemnly took that sacred oath,
Whence mutual firm agreements spring
Betwixt the
Subject,
and the
King,
By which, in usual manner crown'd,
His
Head,
his
Heart,
his
Hands
he bound,
Against
himself,
should Passion stir
The least Propensity to err,
Against all
Slaves,
who might prepare
Or open force, or hidden snare,
That
glorious
CHARTER to maintain,
By which We serve, and He must reign;
Then FANCY, with unbounded sway,
Revell'd sole Mistress of the day,
And wrought such wonders, as might make
Egyptian
Sorcerers forsake
Their baffled mockeries, and own
The Palm of
Magic
Her's alone.
A KNIGHT (who in the silken lap
Of lazy Peace, had liv'd on Pap,
Who never yet had dar'd to roam
'Bove ten or twenty miles from home,
Nor even that, unless a
Guide
Was plac'd to amble by his side,
And troops of Slaves were spread around
To keep his Honour safe and sound,
Who could not suffer for his life
A Point to sword, or Edge to knife,
And always fainted at the sight
Of Blood, tho' 'twas not shed in fight,
Who disinherited one Son
For firing off an
Elder
Gun,
And whipt another, six years old,
Because the Boy, presumptuous, bold
To Madness, likely to become
A very Swiss, had beat a drum,
Tho' it appear'd an instrument
Most
peaceable
and
innocent,
Having from first been in the hands
And service of the
City Bands)
Grac'd with those ensigns, which were meant
To further Honour's dread intent,
The Minds of Warriors to inflame,
And spur them on to deeds of Fame,
With little Sword, large Spurs, high Feather,
Fearless of ev'ry thing but Weather,
(And all must own, who pay regard
To Charity, it had been hard
That in his very first
Campaign
His
Honours
should be soil'd with rain)
A Hero all at once became,
And (seeing others much the same
In point of Valour as himself,
Who leave their Courage on a shelf
From Year to Year, till some such rout
In proper season calls it out)
Strutted, look'd big, and swagger'd more
Than ever Hero did before,
Look'd up, Look'd down, Look'd all around,
Like MAVORS, grimly smil'd and frown'd,
Seem'd Heav'n, and Earth, and Hell to call
To fight, that he might rout them all,
And personated Valour's style
So long, Spectators to beguile,
That passing strange, and wondrous true,
Himself at last believ'd it too,
Nor for a time could he discern
Till Truth and Darkness took their turn,
So well did FANCY play her part,
That Coward still was at the heart.
WHIFFLE (who knows not WHIFFLE's name,
By the impartial voice of fame
Recorded first, thro' all this land,
In Vanity's illustrious band?)
Who, by all bounteous Nature meant
For offices of hardiment,
A modern HERCULES at least,
To rid the world of each wild beast,
Of each wild beast which came in view,
Whether on four legs or on two,
Degenerate, delights to prove
His force on the
Parade
of Love,
Disclaims the joys which camps afford,
And for the Distaff quits the sword;
Who fond of women would appear
To public eye, and public ear,
But, when in private, let's them know
How little they can trust to show;
Who sports a Woman, as of course,
Just as a Jockey shews a horse,
And then returns her to the stable,
Or vainly plants her at his table,
Where he would rather VENUS find,
(So pall'd, and so deprav'd his mind)
Than, by some great occasion led,
To seize Her panting in her bed,
Burning with more than mortal fires,
And melting in her own desires;
Who, ripe in years, is yet a child,
Thro' fashion, not thro' feeling, wild;
Whate'er in others, who proceed
As Sense and Nature have decreed,
From real passion flows, in him
Is mere effect of mode and whim;
Who Laughs, a very common way,
Because he nothing has to say,
As your
choice
SPIRITS oaths dispense
To fill up vacancies of Sense;
Who, having some small Sense, defies it,
Or, using, always misapplies it;
Who now and then brings something forth,
Which seems indeed of Sterling Worth,
Something, by sudden Start and Fit,
Which at a distance looks like wit,
But, on Examination near,
To his confusion will appear
By Truth's fair glass, to be at best
A Threadbare Jester's threadbare jest;
Who frisks and dances thro' the street,
Sings without voice, rides without seat,
Plays o'er his tricks, like AESOP's Ass,
A
gratis
fool to all who pass;
Who riots, tho' he loves not waste,
Whores without lust, drinks without taste,
Acts without sense, talks without thought,
Does every thing but what he ought,
Who, led by forms, without the pow'r
Of Vice, is Vicious, who one hour,
Proud without Pride, the next will be
Humble without Humility;
Whose Vanity we all discern,
The Spring on which his actions turn;
Whose aim in erring, is to err,
So that he may be singular,
And all his utmost wishes mean,
Is, tho' he's laugh'd at, to be seen.
Such
(for when FLATT'RY's soothing strain
Had robb'd the Muse of her disdain,
And found a method to persuade
Her art, to soften ev'ry shade,
JUSTICE enrag'd, the pencil snatch'd
From her degen'rate hand, and scratch'd
Out ev'ry trace; then, quick as thought,
From life this striking likeness caught)
In Mind, in Manners, and in Mien,
Such
WHIFFLE came, and such was seen
In the World's eye, but (strange to tell!)
Misled by FANCY's magic spell,
Deceiv'd, not dreaming of deceit,
Cheated, but happy in the cheat,
Was more than human in his own.
O bow, bow All at FANCY's throne,
Whose Pow'r could make so vile an Elf,
With Patience bear that thing,
himself.
But, Mistress of each art to please,
Creative
FANCY, what are these,
These
Pageants of a trifler's Pen,
To what thy Pow'r effected then?
Familiar with the human mind,
As swift and subtle as the wind,
Which we all feel, yet no one knows
Or whence it comes, or where it goes,
FANCY at
once
in ev'ry part
Possess'd the Eye, the Head, the Heart,
And in a thousand forms array'd,
A thousand various gambols play'd.
Here,
in a Face which well might ask
The Privilege to wear a mask
In spite of Law, and Justice teach
For public good t'excuse the breach,
Within the furrow of a wrinkle
'Twixt Eyes, which could not shine but twinkle,
Like Centinels i' th' starry way,
Who wait for the return of day
Almost burnt out, and seem to keep
Their watch, like Soldiers, in their sleep,
Or like those lamps which, by the pow'r
Of Law, must burn from hour to hour,
(Else they, without redemption, fall
Under the terrors of that Hall,
Which, once notorious for a
hop,
Is now become
a Justice-shop
)
Which are so manag'd, to go out
Just when the time comes round about,
Which yet thro' emulation strive
To keep their dying light alive,
And (not uncommon, as we find,
Amongst the children of mankind)
As they grow weaker, would seem stronger,
And burn a little, little longer;
FANCY, betwixt such eyes enshrin'd,
No brush to daub, no mill to grind,
Thrice wav'd her wand around, whose force
Chang'd in an instant Nature's course,
And, hardly credible in Rhime,
Not only stopp'd, but call'd back Time.
The Face, of ev'ry wrinkle clear'd,
Smooth as the floating stream appear'd,
Down the Neck ringlets spread their flame,
The Neck admiring whence they came;
On the Arch'd Brow the
Graces
play'd;
On the full Bosom
Cupid
laid;
Suns,
from their proper orbits sent,
Became for Eyes a supplement;
Teeth, white as ever Teeth were seen
Deliver'd from the hand of GREEN,
Started, in regular array,
Like Train-Bands on a grand Field-day,
Into the Gums, which would have fled,
But, wond'ring, turn'd from white to red,
Quite alter'd was the whole machine,
And Lady ———— was fifteen.
Here
She made lordly temples rise
Before the pious DASHWOOD's eyes,
Temples which built aloft in air,
May serve for show, if not for pray'r;
In solemn form Herself, before,
Array'd like
Faith,
the Bible bore.
There,
over MELCOMB's feather'd head,
Who, quite a man of Gingerbread,
Savour'd in talk, in dress, and phyz,
More of another World than this,
To a
dwarf Muse a Giant Page,
The last grave Fop of the last Age,
In a superb and feather'd hearse,
Bescutcheon'd
and
betagg'd
with Verse,
Which, to Beholders from afar,
Appear'd like a triumphal Car,
She rode, in a
cast
Rainbow clad;
There,
throwing off the
hallow'd plaid,
Naked, as when (in those drear Cells
Where,
Self-bless'd, Self-curs'd,
MADNESS dwells),
PLEASURE, on whom, in
Laughter
's shape,
FRENZY had perfected a rape,
First brought her forth, before her time,
Wild Witness of her shame and crime,
Driving before an Idol band
Of driv'ling STUARTS, hand in hand,
Some, who to curse Mankind, had Wore
A Crown they ne'er must think of more,
Others, whose baby brows were grac'd
With Paper Crowns, and Toys of Paste,
She Jigg'd, and playing on the Flute,
Spread raptures o'er the soul of BUTE.
Big with vast hopes, some mighty plan,
Which wrought the busy soul of man
To her full bent, the CIVIL LAW,
Fit
Code
to keep a world in awe,
Bound o'er his brows, fair to behold,
As
Jewish Frontlets
were of old,
The famous CHARTER of our land,
Defac'd, and mangled in his hand;
As one whom deepest thoughts employ,
But deepest thoughts of truest joy,
Serious and slow he strode, he stalk'd,
Before him troops of Heroes walk'd,
Whom best He lov'd, of Heroes crown'd,
By TORIES guarded all around,
Dull solemn pleasure in his face,
He saw the honours of his race,
He saw their lineal glories rise,
And touch'd, or seem'd to touch the skies.
Not the most distant mark of fear,
No sign of
axe,
or
scaffold
near,
Not one curs'd thought, to cross his will,
Of such a place as
Tower Hill.
Curse on this
Muse,
a flippant Jade,
A Shrew, like ev'ry other Maid
Who turns the corner of nineteen,
Devour'd with peevishness and spleen.
Her Tongue (for as, when bound for life,
The Husband suffers for the Wife,
So if in any works of rhime
Perchance there blunders out a crime,
Poor Culprit Bards must always rue it,
Altho' 'tis plain the Muses do it)
Sooner or later cannot fail
To send me headlong to a jail.
Whate'er my theme (our themes we chuse
In modern days without a
Muse,
Just as a Father will provide
To join a Bridegroom and a Bride,
As if, tho' they must be the Play'rs,
The game was wholly
his,
not
theirs
)
Whate'er my theme, the
Muse,
who still
Owns no direction but her will,
Flies off, and, ere I could expect,
By ways oblique and indirect,
At once quite over head and ears,
In fatal
Politics
appears;
Time was, and, if I ought discern
Of Fate, that Time shall soon return,
When
decent
and
demure
at least,
As grave and dull as any Priest,
I could see
Vice
in robes array'd,
Could see the game of
Folly
play'd
Successfully in Fortune's school,
Without exclaiming rogue or fool;
Time was, when nothing loth or proud,
I lacquied, with the fawning crowd,
Scoundrels in Office, and would bow
To Cyphers great in place; but now
Upright I stand, as if wise Fate,
To compliment a shatter'd state,
Had me, like ATLAS, hither sent
To shoulder up the firmament,
And if I stoop'd, with gen'ral crack
The Heavens would tumble from my back;
Time was, when rank and situation
Secur'd the great Ones of the Nation
From all controul;
Satire
and
Law
Kept only little Knaves in awe,
But now,
Decorum
lost, I stand
Bemus'd,
a Pencil in my hand,
And, dead to ev'ry sense of shame,
Careless of Safety and of Fame,
The names of Scoundrels minute down,
And Libel more than half the Town.
How can a Statesman be secure
In all his Villanies, if poor
And dirty Authors thus shall dare
To lay his rotten bosom bare?
Muses
should pass away their time,
In dressing out the Poet's rhime
With Bills and Ribbands, and array
Each line in harmless taste, tho' gay.
When the hot burning Fit is on,
They should regale their restless Son
With something to allay his rage,
Some cool Castalian Beverage,
Or some such draught (tho'
They,
'tis plain,
Taking the Muses name in vain,
Know nothing of their real court,
And only fable from report)
As makes a WHITEHEAD's
Ode
go down,
Or slakes the
Feverette
of
Brown:
But who would in his Senses think
Of Muses Giving gall to drink,
Or that their folly should afford
To raving Poets Gun or Sword?
Poets were ne'er design'd by fate
To meddle with affairs of State,
Nor should (if we may speak our thought
Truely as men of Honour ought)
Sound Policy their rage admit,
To Launch the thunderbolts of Wit
About those heads, which, when they're shot,
Cant't tell if 'twas by Wit, or not.
These things well known, what Devil in spite
Can have seduc'd me thus to write
Out of that road, which must have led
To riches, without heart or head,
Into that road, which, had I more
Than ever Poet had before,
Of Wit and Virtue, in disgrace
Would keep me still, and out of place,
Which, if some
Judge
(You'll understand
One famous, famous thro' the land
For
making
Law) should stand my friend,
At last may in a Pill'ry end,
And all this, I myself admit,
Without one cause to lead to it.——
For instance now—this book—the GHOST—
Methinks I hear some Critic Post
Remark most gravely—"The first word
Which we about the Ghost have heard."
Peace my good Sir—not quite so fast—
What is the first, may be the last,
Which is a point, all must agree,
Cannot depend on You or Me.
FANNY, no Ghost of common mould,
Is not by forms to be controul'd,
To keep her state, and shew her skill,
She never comes but when she will.
I wrote and wrote (perhaps you doubt,
And shrewdly, what I wrote about,
Believe me, much to my disgrace,
I too am in the self-same case)
But still I wrote, till FANNY came
Impatient, nor could any shame
On me with equal justice fall,
If She had never come at all.
An Underling, I could not stir
Without the Cue thrown out by her,
Nor from the subject aid receive
Until She came, and gave me leave.
So that (Ye Sons of Erudition
Mark, this is but a supposition,
Nor would I to so wise a nation
Suggest it as a
Revelation
)
If henceforth dully turning o'er
Page after Page, Ye read no more
Of FANNY, who, in Sea or Air,
May be departed God knows where,
Rail at jilt Fortune, but agree
No censure can be laid on me,
For sure (the cause let MANSFIELD try)
FANNY is in the fault, not I.
But to return—and this I hold,
A secret worth its weight in gold
To those who write, as I write now,
Not to mind where they go, or how,
Thro' ditch, thro' bog, o'er hedge and stile,
Make it but worth the Reader's while,
And keep a passage fair and plain
Always to bring him back again.
Thro' dirt, who scruples to approach,
At pleasure's call, to take a coach,
But we should think the man a clown
Who in the dirt should set us down?
But to return—if WIT, who ne'er
The shackles of restrain could bear,
In wayward humour should refuse
Her timely succour to the
Muse,
And to no rules and orders tied
Roughly deny to be her guide,
She must renounce
Decorum
's plan,
And get back when, and how she can,
As
Parsons,
who, without pretext,
As soon as mention'd, quit their text,
And, to promote Sleep's genial pow'r,
Grope in the dark for half an hour,
Give no more Reason (for we know
Reason is vulgar, mean, and low)
Why they come back (should it befal
That ever they come back at all)
Into the road, to end their rout,
Than they can give Why they went out.
But to return—this Book—the GHOST—
A mere amusement at the most,
A trifle, fit to wear away
The horrors of a rainy day,
A slight shot silk, for summer wear,
Just as our modern Statesmen are,
If rigid honesty permit
That I for once purloin the Wit
Of him, who, were we all to steal,
Is much too rich the theft to feel.
Yet in this Book, where Ease should join
With Mirth to
sugar
ev'ry line,
Where it should all be mere
Chit Chat,
Lively, Good-humour'd, and
all that,
Where
honest
SATIRE, in disgrace,
Should not so much as shew her face,
The Shrew, o'erleaping all due bounds,
Breaks into Laughter's sacred grounds,
And, in contempt, plays o'er her tricks
In
Science, Trade,
and
Politics.
But why should the distemper'd Scold
Attempt to blacken Men enroll'd
In Pow'r's dread book, whose mighty skill
Can twist an Empire to their will,
Whose Voice is Fate, and on their tongue
Law, Liberty,
and
Life
are hung,
Whom, on enquiry, Truth shall find,
With STUARTS
link'd,
time out of mind
Superior to their Country's Laws,
Defenders of a Tyrant's cause,
Men, who the same damn'd maxims hold
Darkly,
which they avow'd of old,
Who, tho' by diff'rent means, pursue
The end which they had first in view,
And, force found vain, now play their part
With much less Honour, much more Art?
Why, at the corners of the Streets,
To ev'ry Patriot drudge She meets,
Known or unknown, with furious cry
Should She wild clamours vent, or why,
The minds of
Groundlings
to enflame,
A DASHWOOD, BUTE, and WYNDHAM name?
Why, having not to our surprize
The fear of death before her Eyes,
Bearing, and that but now and then,
No other weapon but her pen,
Should She an argument afford
For blood, to Men who
wear a sword,
Men, who can nicely
trim
and
pare
A point of HONOUR to a hair,
(HONOUR—a Word of nice import,
A pretty trinket in a Court,
Which
my Lord
quite in rapture feels
Dangling, and rattling with his Seals—
HONOUR—a Word, which all the
Nine
Would be much puzzled to define—
HONOUR—a Word which torture mocks
And might confound a thousand LOCKES—
Which (for I leave to wiser heads,
Who fields of death prefer to beds
Of down, to find out, if they can,
What HONOUR
is,
on their Wild plan)
Is
not,
to take it in their Way,
And this we sure may dare to say
Without incurring an offence,
Courage, Law, Honesty,
or
Sense
)
Men, who all Spirit, Life, and Soul,
Neat Butchers of a
Button-hole,
Having more skill, believe it true
That they must have more courage too,
Men, who without a place or name,
Their Fortunes speechless as their fame,
Would by the Sword new Fortunes carve,
And rather die in fight than starve?
At
Coronations,
a vast field
Which food of ev'ry kind might yield,
Of good sound food, at once most fit
For purposes of health and wit,
Could not ambitious SATIRE rest,
Content with what she might digest;
Could she not feast on things of course,
A
Champion,
or a Champion's
horse
;
A Champion's
horse
—no, better say,
Tho' better figur'd on that day—
A
horse,
which might appear to us,
Who deal in rhime, a PEGASUS,
A
Rider,
who, when once got on,
Might pass for a BELLEROPHON,
Dropt on a sudden from the skies,
To catch and fix our wond'ring eyes,
To witch, with wand instead of whip,
The world with
noble
horsemanship,
To twist and twine, both Horse and Man,
On such a well-concerted plan,
That,
Centaur
-like, when all was done,
We scarce could think they were not one?
Could She not to our itching ears
Bring the new names of
new-coin'd
Peers,
Who walk'd, Nobility forgot,
With shoulders fitter for a knot,
Than robes of Honour, for whose sake
Heralds in form were forc'd to make,
To make, because they could not find,
Great Predecessors to their mind?
Could She not (tho' 'tis doubtful since
Whether He
Plumber
is, or
Prince
)
Tell of a simple Knight's advance
To be a doughty Peer of
France,
Tell how he did a Dukedom gain,
And ROBINSON was AQUITAIN,
Tell how our City-Chiefs, disgrac'd,
Were at an empty table plac'd,
A gross neglect, which, whilst they live,
They can't forget, and won't forgive,
A gross neglect of all those rights
Which march with City Appetites,
Of all those Canons, which we find
By
Gluttony,
time out of mind,
Establish'd; which they ever hold,
Dearer than any thing but Gold?
Thanks to my Stars—I now see shore—
Of Courtiers, and of Courts no more—
Thus stumbling on my City Friends,
Blind Chance my guide, my purpose bends
In line direct, and shall pursue
The point which I had first in view,
Nor more shall with the Reader sport
Till I have seen him safe in port.
Hush'd be each fear—no more I bear
Thro' the wide regions of the air
The Reader terrified, no more
Wild Ocean's horrid paths explore.
Be the plain track from henceforth mine—
Cross-roads
to ALLEN I resign,
ALLEN, the honour of this nation,
ALLEN, himself a
Corporation,
ALLEN, of late notorious grown
For writings none, or all his own,
ALLEN, the first of
letter'd
men,
Since the
good
Bishop holds his pen,
And at his elbow takes his stand
To mend his head, and guide his hand.
But hold—once more
Digression
hence—
Let us return to
Common-Sense,
The Car of PHOEBUS I discharge;
My Carriage now a LORD-MAYOR's
Barge.
Suppose we now—we may suppose
In Verse, what would be Sin in Prose—
The Sky with darkness overspread,
And ev'ry Star retir'd to bed,
The gew-gaw robes of Pomp and Pride
In some dark corner thrown aside,
Great
Lords
and
Ladies
giving way
To what they seem to scorn by day,
The real feelings of the heart,
And Nature taking place of Art,
Desire
triumphant thro' the Night,
And
Beauty
panting with delight,
Chastity,
Woman's fairest crown,
Till the return of Morn laid down,
Then to be worn again as bright
As if not sullied in the Night,
Dull
Ceremony,
business o'er,
Dreaming in form at COTTRELL's door,
Precaution
trudging all about
To see the Candles safely out,
Bearing a mighty
Master-Key,
Habited like
Oeconomy,
Stamping each lock with triple seals,
Mean AV'RICE creeping at her heels.
Suppose we too, like sheep in Pen,
The
Mayor
and
Court of Aldermen
Within their barge, which, thro' the deep,
The Rowers more than half asleep,
Mov'd slow, as over-charg'd with State;
THAMES groan'd beneath the mighty weight,
And felt that
bawble
heavier far
Than a whole fleet of men of war.
SLEEP o'er each well-known faithful head,
With lib'ral hand his Poppies shed,
Each head, by DULLNESS rend'red fit
SLEEP and his Empire to admit.
Thro' the whole passage not a word,
Not one faint, weak, half sound was heard;
SLEEP had prevail'd to overwhelm
The Steersman nodding o'er the helm;
The Rower, without force or skill,
Left the dull Barge to drive at will;
The sluggish Oars suspended hung,
And even BEARDMORE held his
tongue.
COMMERCE, regardful of a freight,
On which depended half her
State,
Stepp'd to the helm, with ready hand
She safely clear'd that bank of Sand,
Where, stranded, our West-Country Fleet
Delay and Danger often meet;
Till NEPTUNE, anxious for the trade,
Comes in full tides, and brings them aid;
Next (for the Muses can survey
Objects by Night as well as day,
Nothing prevents their taking aim,
Darkness and Light to them the same)
They past that building, which of old
Queen-Mothers
was design'd to hold,
At present a mere
lodging-pen,
A Palace turn'd into a den,
To Barracks turn'd, and Soldiers tread
Where
Dowagers
have laid their head;
Why should we mention
Surrey-Street,
Where ev'ry week grave Judges meet,
All fitted out with
hum
and
ha,
In proper form to drawl out Law,
To see all causes duly tried
'Twixt Knaves who drive, and Fools who ride?
Why at the
Temple
should we stay?
What of the
Temple
dare we say?
A dang'rous ground we tread on there,
And words perhaps may actions bear,
Where, as the Breth'ren of the seas
For
fares,
the Lawyers ply for fees.
What of that
Bridge,
most wisely made
To serve the purposes of trade,
In the great Mart of all this Nation,
By stopping up the Navigation,
And to that Sand-bank adding weight,
Which is already much too great?—
What of that
Bridge,
which, void of Sense,
But well supplied with impudence,
Englishmen,
knowing not the
Guild,
Thought they might have a claim to build,
Till PATERSON, as white as milk,
As smooth as oil, as soft as silk,
In solemn manner had decreed,
That, on the other side the TWEED,
ART, born and bred, and fully grown,
Was with one MYLNE, a man unknown,
But grace, preferment, and renown
Deserving, just arriv'd in town;
One MYLNE, an Artist perfect quite,
Both in his own, and country's right,
As fit to make a bridge, as He,
With glorious
Patavinity,
To build inscriptions, worthy found
To lie for ever under ground.
Much more, worth observation too,
Was this a season to pursue
The theme, Our Muse might tell in rhime;
The Will She hath, but not the time;
For, swift as shaft from Indian bow,
(And when a Goddess comes, we know,
Surpassing Nature acts prevail,
And boats want neither oar, nor sail)
The Vessel past, and reach'd the shore
So quick, that Thought was scarce before.
Suppose we now our
City-Court
Safely deliver'd at the port,
And, of their State regardless quite,
Landed, like smuggled goods, by night;
The solemn Magistrate laid down,
The dignity of robe and gown
With ev'ry other ensign gone;
Suppose the woollen Night-Cap on;
The
Flesh-brush
us'd with decent state
To make the Spirits circulate,
(A form, which to the Senses true,
The liq'rish Chaplain uses too,
Tho', something to improve the plan,
He takes the Maid instead of Man)
Swath'd, and with flannel cover'd o'er
To shew the vigour of threescore,
The vigour of threescore and ten
Above the proof of younger men,
Suppose the mighty DULLMAN led
Betwixt two slaves, and put to bed;
Suppose, the moment he lies down,
No miracle in this great town,
The Drone as fast asleep, as He
Must in the course of Nature be,
Who, truth for our foundation take,
When up, is never half awake.
There let him sleep, whilst we survey
The preparations for the day,
That day, on which was to be shewn
Court-Pride
by
City-Pride
outdone.
The jealous Mother sends away,
As only fit for childish play,
That Daughter, who, to gall her pride,
Shoots up too forward by her side.
The
Wretch,
of God and man accurs'd,
Of all Hell's instruments the worst,
Draws forth his
pawns,
and for the day
Struts in some Spendthrift's vain array;
Around his aukward doxy shine
The treasures of GOLCONDA's mine,
Each Neighbour, with a jealous glare,
Beholds her folly publish'd there.
Garments,
well-sav'd (an anecdote
Which we can prove, or would not quote)
Garments well-sav'd, which first were made,
When Taylors, to promote their trade,
Against the
Picts
in arms arose,
And drove them out, or made them cloaths;
Garments,
immortal, without end,
Like Names, and Titles, which descend
Successively from Sire to Son;
Garments,
unless some work is done
Of Note, not suffer'd to appear
'Bove once at most in ev'ry year,
Were now, in solemn form, laid bare
To take the benefit of air,
And, ere they came to be employ'd
On this Solemnity, to void
That scent, which RUSSIA's leather gave,
From vile and impious Moth to save.
Each head was busy, and each heart
In preparation bore a part.
Running together all about
The Servants put each other out,
Till the grave Master had decreed,
The more haste, ever the worst speed;
Miss,
with her little eyes half-clos'd,
Over a smuggled toilet dos'd,
The
Waiting-Maid,
whom Story notes
A very
Scrub
in petticoats,
Hir'd for one Work, but doing all,
In slumbers lean'd against the wall;
Milliners,
summon'd from afar,
Arriv'd in shoals at
Temple-bar,
Strictly commanded to import
Cart-loads of foppery from Court;
With labour'd visible design
ART strove to be
superbly
fine,
NATURE, more pleasing, tho' more wild,
Taught otherwise her
darling
child,
And cried, with spirited disdain,
Be H—— elegant and plain.
Lo! from the chambers of the East,
A welcome prelude to the feast,
In
saffron-colour'd
robe array'd,
High in a Car by VULCAN made,
Who work'd for JOVE himself, each Steed
High-mettled, of celestial breed,
Pawing and Pacing all the way,
AURORA brought the wish'd-for day,
And held her empire, till outrun
By that brave jolly groom the SUN.
The Trumpet—hark! it speaks—It swells
The loud full harmony, It tells
The time at hand, when DULLMAN, led
By form, his Citizens must head,
And march those troops, which at his call
Were now assembled, to
Guild-Hall,
On matters of importance great
To
Court
and
City, Church
and
State.
From end to end the sound makes way,
All hear the Signal and obey,
But DULLMAN, who, his charge forgot,
By MORPHEUS fetter'd, heard it not;
Nor could, so sound he slept and fast,
Hear any Trumpet, but the last.
CRAPE, ever true and trusty known,
Stole from the Maid's bed to his own,
Then, in the Spirituals of pride,
Planted himself at DULLMAN's side.
Thrice
did the ever-faithful Slave,
With voice which might have reach'd the grave,
And broke death's adamantine chain,
On DULLMAN call, but call'd in vain;
Thrice
with an arm, which might have made
The THEBAN Boxer curse his trade,
The drone he shook, who rear'd the head,
And
thrice
fell backward on his bed.
What could be done? where force hath fail'd,
Policy often hath prevail'd,
And what, an inference most plain,
Had been, CRAPE thought might be again.
Under his pillow (still in mind
The Proverb kept,
fast bind, fast find
)
Each blessed night the keys were laid,
Which CRAPE to draw away assay'd.
What not the pow'r of voice or arm
Could do, this did, and broke the charm;
Quick started He with stupid stare,
For all his little Soul was there.
Behold him, taken up, rubb'd down,
In Elbow-Chair, and Morning-Gown;
Behold him, in his latter bloom,
Stripp'd, wash'd, and sprinkled with perfume;
Behold him bending with the weight
Of Robes, and trumpery of State;
Behold him (for the Maxim's true,
Whate'er we by another do,
We do ourselves, and Chaplain paid,
Like slaves, in ev'ry other trade,
Had mutter'd over God knows what,
Something which he by heart had got)
Having, as usual, said his pray'rs,
Go
titter, totter,
to the stairs;
Behold him for descent prepare,
With one foot trembling in the air;
He
starts,
he
pauses
on the brink,
And, hard to credit, seems to
think
;
Thro' his whole train (the Chaplain gave
The proper cue to ev'ry slave)
At once, as with infection caught,
Each
started, paus'd,
and
aim'd
at thought;
He turns, and they turn; big with care,
He waddles to his Elbow-Chair,
Squats
down, and, silent for a season,
At last with CRAPE begins to reason;
But first of all he made a sign
That ev'ry soul, but the
Divine,
Should quit the room; in him, he knows,
He may all confidence repose.
CRAPE—tho' I'm yet not quite awake—
Before this awful step I take,
On which my future all depends,
I ought to know my foes and friends.
By foes and friends, observe me still,
I mean not those who well, or ill
Perhaps may wish me, but those who
Have't in their pow'r to do it too.
Now if, attentive to the State,
In too much hurry to be great,
Or thro' much zeal, a motive, CRAPE,
Deserving praise, into a scrape
I, like a Fool, am got, no doubt,
I, like a Wise Man, should get out.
Not that, remark without replies,
I say that to get out is wise,
Or, by the very self-same rule
That to get in was like a Fool;
The marrow of this argument
Must wholly rest on the event,
And therefore, which is really hard,
Against events too I must guard.
Should things continue as they
stand,
And BUTE prevail thro' all the land
Without a rival, by his aid,
My fortunes in a trice are made;
Nay, Honours on my zeal may smile,
And stamp me Earl of some great Isle;
But if, a matter of much doubt,
The present Minister goes out,
Fain would I know on what pretext
I can stand fairly with the next?
For as my aim at ev'ry hour
Is to be well with those in pow'r,
And my material point of view,
Whoever's in, to be in too,
I should not, like a blockhead, chuse
To gain
these
so as
those
to lose;
'Tis good in ev'ry case, You know,
To have two strings unto our bow.
As one in wonder lost, CRAPE view'd
His Lord, who thus his speech pursued.
This, my good CRAPE, is my grand point,
And, as the times are out of joint,
The greater caution is requir'd
To bring about the point desir'd.
What I would wish to bring about
Cannot admit a moment's doubt,
The matter in dispute, You know,
Is what we call the
quomodo.
That be thy task—The
Rev'rend
Slave,
Becoming in a moment grave,
Fixt to the ground, and rooted stood,
Just like a man cut out of wood,
Such as we see (without the least
Reflexion glancing on the Priest)
One or more, planted up and down,
Almost in ev'ry Church in town;
He stood some minutes, then, like one
Who wish'd the matter might be done,
But could not do it, shook his head,
And thus the man of Sorrow said:
Hard is this task, too hard I swear,
By much too hard for me to bear,
Beyond expression hard my part,
Could mighty DULLMAN see my heart,
When He, alas! makes known a will,
Which CRAPE's not able to fulfil.
Was ever my obedience barr'd
By any trifling nice regard
To Sense and Honour? could I reach
Thy meaning without help of speech,
At the first motion of thy eye
Did not thy faithful creature fly?
Have I not said, not what I ought,
But what my earthly Master taught?
Did I e'er weigh, thro' duty strong,
In thy great biddings, right and wrong?
Did ever Int'rest, to whom Thou
Can'st not with more devotion bow,
Warp my sound faith, or will of mine
In contradiction run to thine?
Have I not, at thy table plac'd,
When business call'd aloud for haste,
Torn myself thence, yet never heard
To utter one complaining word,
And had, till thy great work was done,
All appetites, as having none?
Hard is it, this great plan pursu'd
Of Voluntary servitude,
Pursued, without or shame or fear,
Thro' the great circle of the Year,
Now to receive, in this grand hour,
Commands which lie beyond my pow'r,
Commands which baffle all my skill,
And leave me nothing but my will:
Be that accepted; let my Lord
Indulgence to his slave afford;
This Task, for my poor strength unfit,
Will yield to none but DULLMAN's wit.
With such gross incense gratified,
And turning up the lip of pride,
Poor
CRAPE—and shook his empty head —
Poor puzzled
CRAPE, wise DULLMAN said,
Of judgment weak, of sense confin'd,
For things of lower note design'd,
For things within the vulgar reach,
To run
of
errands, and to preach,
Well hast Thou judg'd, that heads like mine
Cannot want help from heads like thine;
Well hast Thou judg'd thyself unmeet
Of such high argument to treat;
'Twas but to try thee that I spoke,
And all I said was but a joke.
Nor think a joke, CRAPE, a disgrace
Or to my Person, or my place;
The wisest of the Sons of Men
Have deign'd to use them now and then.
The only caution, do You see,
Demanded by our dignity,
From common use and men exempt,
Is that they may not breed contempt.
Great Use they have, when in the hands
Of One, like me, who understands,
Who understands the time, and place,
The persons, manner, and the grace,
Which Fools neglect; so that we find,
If all the requisites are join'd
From whence a perfect joke must spring,
A joke's a very serious thing.
But to our business — my design,
Which gave so rough a shock to thine,
To my Capacity is made
As ready as a fraud in trade,
Which, like Broad-Cloth, I can, with ease,
Cut out in any shape I please.
Some,
in my circumstance, some few,
Ay, and those men of Genius too,
Good
Men, who, without Love or Hate,
Whether they early rise or late,
With names uncrack'd, and credit sound,
Rise worth a hundred thousand pound,
By
threadbare
ways and means would try
To bear their point—so will not I.
New methods shall my wisdom find
To suit these matters to my mind,
So that the Infidels at Court,
Who make our City Wits their sport,
Shall hail the honours of my reign,
And own that DULLMAN bears a brain.
Some,
in my place, to gain their ends,
Would give relations up, and friends;
Would lend a wife, who, they might swear
Safely, was none the worse for wear;
Would see a Daughter, yet a maid,
Into a Statesman's arms betray'd,
Nay, should the Girl prove coy, nor know
What Daughters to a Father owe,
Sooner than schemes so nobly plann'd
Should fail, themselves would lend a hand;
Would vote on one side, whilst a brother,
Properly taught, would vote on t'other;
Would ev'ry petty band forget;
To public eye be with
one
set,
In private with a
second
herd,
And be by Proxy with a
third
;
Would (like a
Queen,
of whom I read
The other day—her name is fled —
In a book (where, together bound,
WHTTINGTON and his CAT I found,
A tale most true, and free from art,
Which all LORD-MAYORS should have by heart)
A
Queen
(O might those days begin
Afresh when Queens would learn to spin)
Who wrought, and wrought, but, for some plot,
The cause of which I've now forgot,
During the absence of the Sun
Undid, what She by day had done)
Whilst they a double visage wear,
What's sworn by Day, by Night unswear.
Such be their Arts, and such perchance
May happily their ends advance:
From a new system
mine
shall spring,
A LOCUM-TENENS is the thing.
That's your true Plan—to obligate
The present Ministers of State,
My
Shadow
shall our Court approach,
And bear my pow'r, and have my
coach,
My
fine State-Coach,
superb to view,
A fine State-Coach,
and paid for too;
To curry favour, and the grace
Obtain, of those who're out of place,
In the mean time
I
—that's to say—
I
proper,
I
myself—
here
stay.
But hold—perhaps unto the Nation,
Who hate the Scot's administration,
To lend my Coach may seem to be
Declaring for the Ministry,
For where the City-Coach is, there
Is the true essence of the MAYOR.
Therefore (for wise men are intent
Evils at distance to prevent,
Whilst Fools the evils first endure,
And then are plagu'd to seek a cure)
No
Coach
— a
Horse
—and free from fear
To make our
Deputy
appear,
Fast on his back shall he be tied,
With two grooms marching by his side,
Then for a
Horse
—thro' all the land,
To head our solemn City-band,
Can any one so fit be found,
As He, who in
Artill'ry-ground,
Without a Rider, noble Sight,
Led on our bravest troops to fight.
But first, CRAPE, for my Honour's sake,
A tender point, enquiry make
About that
Horse,
if the dispute
Is ended, or is still in suit.
For whilst a cause (observe this plan
Of Justice) whether
Horse
or
Man
The parties be, remains in doubt,
Till 'tis determin'd out and out,
That Pow'r must tyranny appear,
Which should,
Pre-judging,
interfere,
And weak faint Judges over-awe
To biass the free course of Law.
You have my will—now quickly run,
And take care that my will be done.
In public, CRAPE, You must appear,
Whilst I in privacy sit here;
Here shall great DULLMAN sit alone,
Making this Elbow-Chair my throne,
And, You performing what I bid,
Do all, as if I nothing did.
CRAPE heard, and speeded on his way;
With him to hear was to obey;
Not without trouble be assur'd,
A proper Proxy was procur'd
To serve such infamous intent,
And such a Lord to represent,
Nor could one have been found at all
On t'other side of
London-wall.
The trumpet sounds—solemn and slow
Behold the grand Procession go,
All moving on, Cat after kind,
As if for motion ne'er design'd.
Constables,
whom the Laws admit
To keep the Peace by breaking it;
Beadles,
who hold the second place
By virtue of a silver mace,
Which ev'ry
Saturday
is drawn,
For use of
Sunday,
out of pawn;
Treasurers,
who with empty key
Secure an empty Treasury;
Churchwardens,
who their course pursue
In the same state, as to their pew
Churchwardens
of
Saint Marg'ret
go,
Since PEIRSON taught them pride and show,
Who in short transient pomp appear,
Like Almanacks chang'd ev'ry year,
Behind whom, with unbroken locks,
CHARITY carries the
Poor's Box,
Not knowing that with private keys
They ope and shut it when they please,
Overseers,
who by frauds ensure
The heavy curses of the poor;
Unclean
came flocking,
Bulls
and
Bears,
Like Beasts into the ark, by pairs.
Portentous flaming in the van
Stalk'd the
Professor
SHERIDAN;
A Man of
wire,
a mere
Pantine,
A downright
animal Machine.
He knows alone in proper mode
How to take vengeance on an
Ode,
And how to butcher AMMON's Son,
And poor
Jack Dryden
both in one.
On all occasions next the Chair
He stands for service of the MAYOR,
And to instruct him how to use
His
A
's, and
B
's, and
P
's, and
Q
's.
O'er
Letters,
into tatters worn,
O'er
Syllables,
defac'd and torn,
O'er
Words
disjointed, and o'er
Sense
Left destitute of all defence,
He strides, and all the way he goes,
Wades, deep in blood, o'er
Criss-Cross-Rows.
Before him ev'ry
Consonant
In agonies is seen to pant;
Behind, in forms not to be known,
The Ghosts of tortur'd
Vowels
groan.
Next HART and DUKE, well worthy grace
And City favour, came in place.
No Children can their toils engage,
Their toils are turn'd to Rev'rend Age.
When a
Court-Dame,
to grace his brows
Resolv'd, is wed to City Spouse,
Their aid with
Madam
's aid must join
The aukward Dotard to refine,
And teach, whence truest glory flows,
Grave Sixty
to turn out his toes.
Each bore in hand a Kit, and each
To shew how fit he was to teach
A
Cit,
an
Alderman,
a
Mayor,
Led in a string a
dancing Bear.
Since the revival of
Fingal,
Custom, and Custom's all in all,
Commands that we should have regard,
On all high seasons, to the
Bard.
Great acts like these, by vulgar tongue
Profan'd, should not be said, but sung.
This place to fill, renown'd in fame,
The high and mighty LOCKMAN came,
And, ne'er forgot in DULLMAN's reign,
With proper order to maintain
The
Uniformity
of Pride,
Brought
Brother
WHITEHEAD by his side.
On Horse, who proudly paw'd the ground,
And cast his fiery eyeballs round,
Snorting, and champing the rude bit,
As if, for warlike purpose fit,
His high and gen'rous blood disdain'd
To be for sports and pastimes rein'd,
Great DYMOCK, in his glorious station,
Paraded at the Coronation.
Not so our
City
DYMOCK came,
Heavy, dispirited, and tame,
No mark of sense, his eyes half-clos'd,
He on a mighty
Dray-horse
doz'd.
Fate never could a horse provide
So fit for such a man to ride,
Nor find a Man, with strictest care,
So fit for such a horse to bear.
Hung round with instruments of death,
The sight of him would stop the breath
Of braggart Cowardice, and make
The very
Court-Drawcansir
quake.
With
Durks,
which, in the hands of Spite,
Do their damn'd business in the Night,
From
Scotland
sent, but here display'd
Only to fill up the Parade;
With
Swords,
unflesh'd, of maiden hue,
Which Rage or Valour never drew;
With
Blunderbusses,
taught to ride,
Like
Pocket-Pistols,
by his side,
In girdle stuck, he seem'd to be
A little moving
Armory.
One thing much wanting to complete
The sight, and make a perfect treat,
Was that the Horse (a Courtesy
In Horses found of high degree)
Instead of going
forward
on,
All the way
backward
should have gone.
Horses,
unless they breeding lack,
Some Scruple make to turn their back,
Tho' Riders, which plain Truth declares,
No scruple make of Turning theirs.
Far, far apart from all the rest,
Fit only for a standing jest,
The
independent
(can you get
A better suited Epithet)
The
independent
AMYAND came,
All burning with the sacred flame
Of Liberty, which well he knows
On the great stock of slav'ry grows.
Like Sparrow, who, depriv'd of Mate
Snatch'd by the cruel hand of Fate,
From spray to spray no more will hop,
But sits alone on the House-top,
Or like Himself, when all alone
At
Croydon,
he was heard to groan,
Lifting
both
hands in the defence
Of Interest, and Common-Sense;
Both
hands, for as no other man
Adopted and pursu'd his plan,
The
Left
-hand had been lonesome quite,
If He had not held up the
right,
Apart He came, and fix'd his eyes
With rapture on a distant prize,
On which in Letters worthy note,
There, TWENTY THOUSAND POUNDS, was wrote.
False trap, for Credit sapp'd is found
By getting twenty thousand pound;
Nay, look not thus on Me, and stare,
Doubting the Certainty—to swear
In such a case I should be loth—
But PERRY CUST may take his oath.
In plain and decent garb array'd,
With the prim Quaker, FRAUD, came TRADE;
CONNIVANCE, to improve the plan,
Habited like a
Jury-man,
Judging as Interest prevails,
Came next with measures, weights, and scales;
EXTORTION next, of hellish race,
A Cub most damn'd, to shew his face
Forbid by fear, but not by shame,
Turn'd to a
Jew,
like — came;
CORRUPTION, MIDAS-like, behold
Turning whate'er She touch'd to gold,
IMPOTENCE led by LUST, and PRIDE
Strutting with PONTON by her side,
HYPOCRISY, demure and sad,
In garments of the Priesthood clad,
So well disguis'd, that You might swear,
Deceiv'd, a very Priest was there;
BANKRUPTCY, full of ease and health,
And wallowing in
well-sav'd
wealth,
Came sneering thro' a ruin'd band,
And bringing B—— in her hand;
VICTORY, hanging down her head,
Was by a highland Stallion led;
PEACE, cloath'd in sables, with a face
Which witness'd sense of huge disgrace,
Which spake a deep and rooted shame
Both of Herself and of her Name,
Mourning creeps on, and blushing feels
WAR, grim WAR treading on her heels;
Pale
CREDIT, shaken by the arts
Of men with bad heads and worse hearts,
Taking no notice of a band
Which near her were ordain'd to stand,
Well nigh destroy'd by sickly fit,
Look'd wistful all around for PITT.
FREEDOM —at that most hallow'd name
My Spirits mount into a flame,
Each pulse beats high, and each nerve strains
E'en to the cracking; thro' my veins
The tides of life more rapid run,
And tell me I am FREEDOM's Son —
FREEDOM came next, but scarce was seen,
When the sky, which appear'd serene
And gay before, was overcast;
Horror bestrode a
foreign
blast,
And from the
prison
of the
North,
To FREEDOM deadly, Storms burst forth.
A
Car
like those, in which, we're told,
Our wild Forefathers warr'd of old,
Loaded with Death, six Horses bear
Thro' the blank region of the air.
Too fierce for time or art to tame,
They pour'd forth mingled smoke and flame
From their wide Nostrils; ev'ry Steed
Was of that ancient savage breed
Which fell GERYON nurs'd; their food
The flesh of Man, their drink his blood.
On the first Horses, ill-match'd pair,
This
fat and sleek,
That
lean and bare,
Came ill-match'd Riders side by side,
And POVERTY was yoak'd with PRIDE:
Union most strange it must appear,
Till other Unions make it clear.
Next, in the gall of bitterness,
With rage, which words can ill express,
With unforgiving rage, which springs
From a false zeal for holy things,
Wearing such robes as Prophets wear,
False Prophets plac'd in PETER's chair,
On which, in Characters of fire,
Shapes Antic, horrible and dire,
Inwoven flam'd, where, to the view,
In groups appear'd a rabble crew
Of Sainted Devils, where all round
Vile
Reliques
of vile men were found,
Who, worse than Devils, from the birth
Perform'd the work of Hell on earth,
Jugglers, Inquisitors,
and
Popes,
Pointing at
axes, wheels,
and
ropes,
And
Engines,
fram'd on horrid plan,
Which none but the destroyer, Man,
Could, to promote his selfish views,
Have heads to make, or hearts to use,
Bearing, to consecrate her tricks,
In her left-hand a
Crucifix,
Remembrance of Our dying Lord,
And in her right a
two-edg'd sword
;
Having her brows, in impious sport,
Adorn'd with words of high import,
On earth
PEACE,
amongst men,
GOOD WILL,
LOVE
bearing,
and
forbearing
still,
All wrote in the
hearts-blood
of those
Who rather Death than Falshood chose;
On her breast (where, in days of Yore,
When God lov'd
Jews,
the HIGH-PRIEST wore
Those Oracles, which were decreed
T'instruct and guide the chosen seed)
Having, with glory clad and strength,
The VIRGIN pictur'd at
full length,
Whilst at her feet, in
small
pourtray'd,
As scarce worth notice, CHRIST was laid,
Came SUPERSTITION, fierce and fell,
An Imp detested, e'en in hell;
Her Eye inflam'd, her face all o'er
Foully besmear'd with human gore,
O'er heaps of mangled
Saints
She rode;
Fast at her heels DEATH proudly strode,
And grimly smil'd, well-pleas'd to see
Such havock of mortality.
Close by her side, on mischief bent,
And urging on each bad intent
To its full bearing, Savage, Wild,
The Mother fit of such a child,
Striving the empire to advance
Of Sin and Death, came IGNORANCE.
With looks, where dread command was plac'd,
And Sov'reign Pow'r by Pride disgrac'd,
Where, loudly witnessing a mind
Of savage more than human kind,
Not chusing to be lov'd, but fear'd,
Mocking at right, MISRULE appear'd,
With Eyeballs glaring fiery red
Enough to strike beholders dead,
Gnashing his teeth, and in a flood
Pouring corruption forth and blood
From his chaf'd jaws; without remorse
Whipping, and spurring on his horse,
Whose sides, in their own blood embay'd,
E'en to the bone were open laid,
Came TYRANNY; disdaining awe,
And trampling over
Sense
and
Law.
One thing and only one He knew,
One object only would pursue,
Tho' Less (so low doth Passion bring)
Than man, he would be more than King.
With ev'ry argument and art,
Which might corrupt the head and heart,
Soothing the frenzy of his mind,
Companion meet, was FLATT'RY join'd.
Winning his carriage, ev'ry look
Employ'd, whilst it conceal'd a hook;
When simple most, most to be fear'd;
Most crafty, when no craft appear'd;
His tales, no man like him could tell;
His words, which melted as they fell,
Might e'en a Hypocrite deceive,
And make an infidel believe,
Wantonly cheating o'er and o'er
Those who had cheated been before:
Such FLATT'RY came in evil hour,
Pois'ning the royal ear of pow'r,
And, grown by
Prostitution
great,
Would be first Minister of State.
Within the Chariot, all alone,
High seated on a kind of throne,
With pebbles grac'd, a Figure came,
Whom Justice would, but dare not, name.
Hard times when Justice, without fear,
Dare not bring forth to public ear
The names of those, who dare offend
'Gainst Justice, and pervert her end;
But, if the Muse afford me grace,
Description shall supply the place.
In
foreign
garments he was clad,
Sage
Ermine o'er the glossy
Plaid
Cast rev'rend honour, on his heart,
Wrought by the curious hand of Art,
In silver wrought, and brighter far
Than heav'nly or than earthly Star,
Shone a
White Rose,
the Emblem dear
Of him He ever must revere,
Of that dread Lord, who, with his host
Of faithful native rebels lost,
Like those black Spirits doom'd to hell,
At once from pow'r and virtue fell;
Around his clouded brows was plac'd
A
Bonnet,
most superbly grac'd
With mighty
Thistles,
nor forgot
The sacred motto,
Touch me not.
In the right-hand a sword He bore
Harder than Adamant, and more
Fatal than winds, which from the mouth
Of the rough North invade the South;
The reeking blade to view presents
The blood of helpless Innocents,
And on the hilt, as meek become
As Lambs before the Shearers dumb,
With downcast eye, and solemn show
Of deep unutterable woe,
Mourning the time when FREEDOM reign'd,
Fast to a rock was Justice chain'd.
In his left-hand, in wax imprest,
With bells and gewgaws idly drest,
An
Image,
cast in baby mould,
He held, and seem'd o'erjoy'd to hold.
On this he fix'd his eyes, to this
Bowing he gave the loyal kiss,
And, for Rebellion fully ripe,
Seem'd to desire the ANTITYPE.
What if to that
Pretender
's foes
His greatness, nay, his life he owes,
Shall common obligations bind,
And shake his constancy of mind?
Scorning such weak and petty chains,
Faithful to JAMES he still remains,
Tho' he the friend of GEORGE appear:
Dissimulation's Virtue here.
Jealous and Mean, he with a frown
Would awe, and keep all merit down,
Nor would to Truth and Justice bend,
Unless
out-bullied
by his
friend
;
Brave with the Coward, with the brave
He is himself a Coward slave;
Aw'd by his fears, he has no heart
To take a great and open part;
Mines in a subtle train he springs,
And, secret, saps the ears of Kings;
But not e'en there continues firm
'Gainst the resistance of a worm;
Born in a Country,
where the will
Of One is Law to all,
he still
Retain'd th' infection, with full aim
To spread it wheresoe'er he came;
Freedom
he hated,
Law
defied,
The Prostitute of Pow'r and Pride;
Law
he with ease explains away,
And leads bewilder'd Sense astray;
Much to the credit of his brain
Puzzles the cause he can't maintain,
Proceeds on most familiar grounds,
And, where he can't convince, confounds;
Talents of rarest stamp and size,
To Nature false, he misapplies,
And turns to poison what was sent
For purposes of nourishment.
Paleness,
not such as on his wings
The Messenger of Sickness brings,
But such as takes its coward rise
From conscious baseness, conscious vice,
O'erspread his cheeks;
Disdain
and
Pride,
To upstart Fortunes ever tied,
Scowl'd on his brow; within his eye,
Insidious, lurking like a spy
To Caution principled by Fear,
Not daring open to appear,
Lodg'd covert
Mischief; Passion
hung
On his lip quiv'ring; on his tongue
Fraud
dwelt at large; within his breast
All that makes Villain found a nest,
All that, on hell's completest plan,
E're join'd to damn the heart of man.
Soon as the Car reach'd land, He rose,
And with a look which might have froze
The heart's best blood, which was enough
Had hearts been made of sterner stuff
In Cities than elsewhere, to make
The very stoutest quail, and quake,
He cast his baleful eyes around;
Fix'd without motion to the ground,
Fear waiting on surprize, All stood,
And Horror chill'd their curdled blood.
No more they thought of
Pomp,
no more
(For they had seen his face before)
Of
Law
they thought; the cause forgot,
Whether it was or Ghost, or Plot,
Which drew them there, They All stood more
Like Statues than they were before.
What could be done? Could Art, could Force,
Or Both direct a proper course
To make this savage Monster tame,
Or send him back the way he came?
What neither Art, nor Force, nor Both
Could do, a
Lord
of foreign growth,
A Lord
to that base wretch allied
In Country, not in Vice and Pride,
Effected; from the self-same land,
(Bad news for our blaspheming band
Of Scribblers, but deserving note)
The Poison came, and Antidote.
Abash'd the Monster hung his head,
And, like an empty Vision, fled;
His Train, like Virgin Snows which run,
Kiss'd by the burning bawdy Sun,
To lovesick streams, dissolv'd in Air;
JOY, who from absence seem'd more fair,
Came smiling, freed from slavish awe;
LOYALTY, LIBERTY, and LAW,
Impatient of the galling chain,
And Yoke of pow'r, resum'd their reign;
And, burning with the glorious flame
Of Public Virtue, MANSFIELD came.
FINIS.