ADVICE: A SATIRE.
Sed podice levi
Ceduntur tumidae medico ridente Mariscae.—
O Proceres! censore opus est an haruspice nobis?
JUVENAL.
LONDON:
Printed for GEORGE FREER, at the
Bible
in
Bell-Yard,
near
Temple-Bar.
MDCCXVI. [Price One Shilling.]
ADVICE: A SATIRE.
POET, FRIEND.
ENough, enough; all this we knew before:
'Tis infamous, I grant it, to be poor:
And who so much to sense and glory lost,
Will hug the curse that not one joy can boast?
From the pale hag, O teach me to get loose;
Divorc'd! all hell shall not retie the noose!
Not with more care shall
H-me
avoid his wife,
Not
C-pe
fly swifter, lashing for his life;
8.
Not
C-pe
fly swifter.
]
A General famous for an expeditious retreat, tho' not quite so deliberate as that of the ten thousand
Greeks
from
Persia;
having unfortunately forgot to bring his army along with him.
Than I to leave the meagre fiend behind.
Exert your Talents; Nature, ever kind,
Enough for happiness, bestows on all;
'Tis sloth or pride that finds her gifts too small—
Why sleeps the muse?—is there no room for praise,
When such bright names in constellation blaze?
When sage
N--c--tle
abstinently great,
15.
When sage
N-wc--tle, &c.]
Alluding to the philosophical contempt which this great personage manifests for the sensual delights of the stomach.
Neglects his food to cater for the State;
And
Gr-ft-n
tow'ring
Atlas
of the throne,
17.
And
Gr-ft-n
tow'ring
Atlas
of the throne,
&c.]
This Noble Peer, remarkable for sublimity of parts, by virtue of his office, conferred the laureat on
C-lly C-bb-r,
Esq
a delectable bard, whose character has already employed, together with his own, the greatest pens of the age.
So well rewards a genius like his own:
Gr-nv--le
and
B-th
illustrious, need I name
19. Gr-nv--le
and
B-th, &c.]
Two Noblemen famous in their day, for nothing more than their fortitude in bearing the scorn and reproach of their country.
For sober dignity and spotless fame;
Or
P--t
th' unshaken
Abdiel
yet unsung;
21.
Or
P--t
th' unshaken
Abdiel, &c.]
Abdiel,
according to
Milton,
was the only seraph that preserved his integrity in the midst of corruption—
Among innumerable, false, unmov'd,
Unshaken, unseduc'd, unterrify'd—
Thy candour,
Ch---ly!
and thy truth, O
Y--nge!
Th' advice is good; the question only, whether
These names and virtues ever dwelt together?
But what of that? the more's the poet's claim
That can create as well as cherish fame.
But one thing more,—how loud must I repeat,
To gain th'ingag'd attention of the Great,
Amus'd, perhaps, with
C---
's prolific bum,
29.
Amus'd perhaps with
C---
's prolific bum,
]
This alludes to a phaenomenon, not more strange than true. The person here meant, having actually laid upwards of forty eggs, as several physicians and fellows of the r-y-l s-ci-ty can attest; one of whom (we hear) has undertaken the incubation, and will (no doubt) favour the world with an account of his success. Some virtuosi affirm, that such productions must be the effect of a certain intercourse of organs, not fit to be named.
Or rapt amidst the transports of a drum;
30.
Transports of a drum;
]
This is a riotous assembly of fashionable people, of both sexes, at a private house, consisting of some hundreds; not unaptly stiled a drum, from the noise and emptiness of the Entertainment. There are also drum-major, rout, tempest and hurricane, differing only in degrees of multitude and uproar, as the significant name of each declares.
While the grim porter watches ev'ry door,
Stern foe to tradesmen, poets, and the poor.
Th' Hesperian dragon not more fierce of old,
By ev'ry charm unmov'd, but that of gold:
Thus at hell gates th' affrighted shade must drop
For ev'ry mouth of
Cerberus,
a sop.
Ev'n
Atticus,
(so wills the voice of Fate)
Inshrines in clouded Majesty, his state;
Nor to th' adoring croud vouchsafes regard,
Tho' priests adore, and ev'ry priest a bard.
Shall I then follow with the venal tribe,
And on the threshold the fell mongrel bribe?
Bribe him, to feast my mute-imploring eye,
With some proud Lord, that smiles a gracious lie!
A Lie that captivates my heedless youth;
(Absorpt at once my talents and my truth),
While fool'd with hope, revolves my joyless day,
And friends, and fame, and fortune fleet away;
'Till scandal, indigence, and scorn, my lot,
The dreary jail entombs me, where I rot!
Is there, ye varnish'd ruffians of the state!
Not one, among the millions whom ye cheat,
That while he totters on the brink of woe,
Dares, ere he fall, attempt th' avenging blow!
A steady blow! his languid soul to feast;
And rid his country of one curse at least!
What! turn assassin?
Let th' assassin bleed:
My fearless verse shall justify the deed.
'Tis he, that lures th' unpractis'd mind astray,
Then leaves the wretch to misery, a prey;
Perverts the race of virtue just begun,
And stabs the publick in its ruin'd son.
Heav'ns how you rail! the man's consum'd by spite!
If
L--km-n
's fate attends you, when you write;
64. L--km-n
's fate
]
To be little read, and less approv'd.
Let prudence more propitious arts inspire:
The lower still you crawl, you'll climb the higher.
Go then, with ev'ry supple virtue stor'd,
And thrive, the favour'd valet of my Lord.
Is that denied? a boon more humble crave;
And minister to him that serves a slave:
Be sure you fasten on promotion's scale;
Ev'n if you seize some footman by the tail:
Th' ascent is easy, and the prospect clear,
From the smirch'd scullion to th' embroider'd Peer.
Th' ambitious drudge preferr'd, postilion rides,
Advanc'd again, the chair benighted guides;
Here doom'd, if nature strung his sinewy frame,
The slave (perhaps) of some insatiate dame;
But if exempted from th'
Herculean
toil,
A fairer field awaits him, rich with spoil;
There shall he shine, with ming'ling honours bright,
His master's pathic, pimp, and parasite;
Then strut a Captain, if his wish be war,
And grasp in hope, a truncheon and a star:
Or if the sweets of peace his soul allure,
Bask at his ease in some boon sinecure;
His fate in consul, clerk, or agent, vary,
Or cross the seas, an envoy's secretary:
Compos'd of falshood, ignorance, and pride,
A prostrate sycophant shall rise a
L--yd
:
90.
A prostrate sycophant shall rise a
L--yd:]
This child of dirt, (to use a great author's expression), without any other quality than grovelling adulation, has arrived at the power of insulting his betters, every day.
And won from kennels to th' impure imbrace,
Accomplish'd
W-rr-n
triumphs o'er disgrace.
92.
Accomplish'd
W-rr-n]
Another son of fortune, that owes his present affluence to the most infamous qualifications.
Eternal infamy his name surround,
Who planted first that vice on
British
ground!
A vice that 'spite of sense and nature reigns,
And poisons genial love, and manhood stains!
Pollio!
the pride of science and its shame,
The muse weeps o'er thee, while she brands thy name!
Abhorrent views that prostituted groom,
Th' indecent grotto and polluted dome!
Who starts to find the spurious passion glow,
Where not one laurel decks the Caitif's brow
Obscene with crimes avow'd, of every dye,
Corruption, lust, oppression, perjury?
Let
Ch-rd-n
with a chaplet round his head,
105.
Let
Ch-rd-n
with a chaplet round his head,
]
This genial Knight wore at his own banquet a garland of flowers, in imitation of the ancients; and kept two rosy boys robed in white, for the entertainment of his guests.
The taste of
Maro
and
Anacreon
plead;
" Sir,
Flaccus
knew to live as well as write,
" And kept, like me, two boys array'd in white.
Worthy to feel that appetence of fame
That rivals
Horace
only in his shame!
Let
Isis
wail in murmurs, as she runs,
111.
Let
Isis
wail in murmurs as she runs,
&c.]
In allusion to the unnatural Orgies said to be solemnized on the banks of this river; particularly at one place, where a much greater sanctity of morals and taste might be expected.
Her tempting fathers and her yielding sons;
112.
While dullness screens,
&c.]
This is a decent and parental office, in which dullness is employed; namely, to conceal the failings of her children: and exactly conformable to that instance of filial piety, which we meet with in the son of
Noah,
who went backward, to cover the nakedness of his father, when he lay exposed: from the scoffs and insults of a malicious world.
While Dullness screens the failings of the church,
Nor leaves one sliding Rabbi in the lurch:
Such be the fate of
F-nt-n, Sh--lly, C-pe
;
115.
Such be the fate of
F-nt-n, Sh--y, C-pe;]
Three courtly Knights, great admirers of that taste which the
Greeks
stiled,
.
For swinish bliss the filthy jakes to grope;
Far other raptures let the breast contain,
Where heaven-born taste and emulation reign.
Shall not a thousand virtues, then, atone
In thy strict sensure for the breach of one?
If
Bubo
keeps a catamite or whore,
His bounty feeds the beggar at his door:
And tho' no mortal credits
Curio
's word,
A score of laquies fatten at his board:
To Christian meekness sacrifice thy spleen,
And strive thy neighbour's weaknesses to screen.
Scorn'd be the bard, and wither'd all his fame,
That wounds a brother weeping o'er his shame!
But if an impious wretch with frantic pride,
Throws honour, truth, and decency aside,
Th' indignant muse to Virtue's aid shall rise,
And fix the brand of infamy on vice.
What if arous'd at his imperious call,
An hundred footsteps echo thro' his hall;
And on high Columns rear'd, his lofty dome
Proclaims th' united art of
Greece
and
Rome:
What tho' whole Hecatombs his
Crew
regale,
And each
Dependant
slumbers o'er his ale;
While the remains through Mouths unnumber'd past,
Indulge the beggar and the dogs at last:
Say, friend, is it benevolence of soul,
Or pomp'ous vanity, that prompts the whole?
These sons of sloth that by profusion thrive,
His pride inveigled from the public hive;
And numbers pine in solitary woe,
That furnish'd out this phantasie of shew.
When silent misery assail'd his eyes,
Did e'er his throbbing bosom sympathize?
Or his extensive charity, pervade
To those that languish in the barren shade,
Where oft by want and modesty suppress'd,
The bootless talent warms the lonely breast?
No! petrify'd by dulness and disdain,
Beyond the feeling of another's pain;
The tear of pity ne'er bedew'd his eye,
Nor his lewd bosom felt the social sigh!
Alike to thee his virtue or his vice,
If his hand lib'ral, owns thy merit's price.
Sooner, in hopeless anguish would I mourn,
Than owe my fortune to the man I scorn!—
What new Resourse?
A thousand yet remain,
That bloom with honours, or that teem with gain:
These arts,—are they beneath—beyond thy care?
Devote thy studies to th' auspicious Fair:
Of truth divested, let thy tongue supply
The hinted slander, and the whisper'd lie;
All merit mock, all qualities depress,
Save those that grace th' excelling patroness;
On others' follies, trophies to her raise,
And heard with joy, by defamation praise:
To this collect each faculty of face,
And ev'ry feat perform of sly grimace;
Let the grave sneer sarcastic speak thee shrewd,
The smutty joke ridiculously lewd;
And the loud laugh thro' all its changes rung,
Applaud th' abortive sallies of her tongue:
Enroll'd a member in the sacred list,
Soon shalt thou sharp in company, at whist;
Her mid-night rites and revels regulate,
180.
Her mid-night rites,
&c.]
These are mysteries perform'd like those of the goddess
Bona,
by females only; consequently it cannot be expected, that we should here explain them: We have, notwithstanding, found means to learn some anecdotes concerning them, which we shall reserve for another opportunity.
Priest of her love, and Daemon of her hate.
But say, what recompence, for all this waste
Of honour, truth, attention, time, and taste?
To shine confess'd, her Zany and her fool,
And fall by what I rose, low ridicule?
Again shall
Handel
raise his laurel'd brow,
Again shall harmony with rapture glow!
The spells disolve, the combination breaks,
And rival Punch no more in terror squeaks.
Lo,
R-ss-l
falls a sacrifice to whim,
190.
Lo,
R-ss-l
falls,
&c.]
The person here meant, by the qualifications above described, had insinuated himself into the confidence of certain Ladies of Quality, who engaged him to set up a puppet-shew, in opposition to the oratorio's of
H--d-l,
against whom they were unreasonably prejudiced. But the town not seconding the capricious undertaking, they deserted their manager whom they had promised to support, and let him sink under the expence they had entailed upon him: He was accordingly thrown into prison, where his disappointment got the better of his reason, and he remain'd in all the extasy of despair; till at last, his generous patronesses, after much sollicitation, were prevailed upon, to collect five pounds, on the payment of which, he was admitted into Bedlam, where he continues still happily bereft of his understanding.
And starts amaz'd in
Newgate
from his dream:
With trembling hands implores their promis'd aid;
And sees their favour like a vision fade!
Is this, ye faithless
Syrens!—
this the joy
To which, your smiles th' unwary wretch decoy?
Naked and shackled, on the pavement prone,
His mangled flesh devouring from the bone;
Rage in his heart, distraction in his eye!
Behold, inhuman Hags! your Minion lye!
Behold his gay career to ruin run,
By you seduc'd, abandon'd and undone!
Rather in garret pent, secure from dun,
202.
Rather in garret,
&c.]
These are the dreams and fictions of
Grubstreet,
with which the good people of this metropolis, are daily alarmed and entertained.
The town with rapes and murders let me stunn:
Or plunge in politics with patriot zeal,
And snarl like
G-th-rie
for the publick weal;
205.
Snarl like
G-th-ie, &c.]
A political writer noted for gall.
Than crawl an Insect, in a
Beldame
's power,
And dread the crush of caprice ev'ry hour!
'Tis well;—enjoy that petulance of stile,
And, like an evious adder, lick the file:
209.
And, like an envious adder, lick the file:
]
This alludes to the fable of the viper and file, applicable to all the unsuccessful efforts of malice and envy.
What 'tho' success will not attend on all?
Who bravely dares, must sometimes risk a fall.
Behold the bounteous board of fortune spread;
Each weakness, vice and folly yields thee bread;
Wouldst thou with prudent condescension strive
On the long settled terms of life to thrive.
What! join the Crew that pilfer one another,
Betray my friend, and persecute my brother:
Turn usurer, o'er
cent. per cent.
to brood,
Or quack, to feed like fleas, on human blood?
Or if thy soul can brook the gilded curse,
Some changeling heiress steal—
221.
Some changeling heiress steal
]
Why changeling?—because no woman of common sense, can be supposed capable of sacrificing her fortune and reputation to a passion for a common sharper, the true character of all fortune-hunters.
Why not a purse?
Two things I dread, my conscience and the law.
How? dread a mumbling bear without a claw?
224.
A mumbling bear without a claw?
]
Consequently a very inoffenfive adversary.
Nor this, nor that is fatal right or wrong,
'Till minted by the mercenary tongue,
And what is conscience, but a fiend of strife,
That chills the joys, and damps the schemes of life?
The wayward child of vanity and fear,
The peevish dam of poverty and care;
Unnumber'd woes engender in the breast
Of him that entertains th' ungrateful guest!
Hail, sacred pow'r! my glory and my guide!
Fair source of mental peace, what e'er betide;
Safe in thy shelter, let disaster roll
Eternal hurricanes around my soul;
My soul serene, amidst the storms shall reign,
And smile to see their fury spent in vain!
Too coy to flatter, and too proud to serve,
Thine be the joyless dignity to starve.
No;—thanks to discord, war shall be my friend;
And moral rage, heroic courage lend
To pierce the gleaming squadron of the foe,
And win renown by some distinguish'd blow.
Renown! ay, do—unkennel the whole pack
Of military cowards on thy back.
What difference, say, 'twixt him that bravely stood,
And him that sought the bosom of the wood?
247.
What difference, say, 'twixt him that bravely stood,
248.
And him that sought the bosom of the wood?
]
—This last line relates to the behaviour of a General on a certain occasion, who discovered an extreme passion for the cool shade during the heat of the day.
Invenom'd calumny the First shall brand,
The Last enjoy a ribbon and command.
If such be life, its wretches I deplore,
And long to quit th' unhospitable shore.
FINIS.