THE ADVENTURES OF
Roderick Random.
Et genus & virtus, nisi cum re, vilior alga est.
HOR.
In TWO VOLUMES.
VOL. I.
LONDON: Printed for J. OSBORN in Pater-noster-Row. MDCCXLVIII.
THE PREFACE.
OF all kinds of satire, there is none so entertaining, and universally improving, as that which is introduced, as it were, occasionally, in the course of an interesting story, which brings every incident home to life; and by representing familiar scenes in an uncommon and amusing point of view, invests them with all the graces of novelty, while nature is appealed to in every particular.
The reader gratifies his curiosity, in pursuing the adventures of a person in whose favour he is prepossessed; he espouses his cause, he sympathizes with him in distress, his indignation is heated against the authors of his calamity; the humane passions are inflamed; the contrast between dejected virtue, and insulting vice, appears with greater aggravation, and every impression having a double force on the imagination, the memory retains the circumstance, and the heart improves by the example. The attention is not tired with a bare Catalogue of characters, but agreeably diverted with all the variety of invention; and the vicissitudes of life appear in their peculiar circumstances, opening an ample field for wit and humour.
Romance, no doubt, owes its origin to ignorance, vanity and superstition. In the dark ages of the world, when a man had rendered himself famous for wisdom or valour, his family and adherents availed themselves of his superior qualities, magnified his virtues, and represented his character and person as sacred and supernatural. The vulgar easily swallowed the bait, implored his protection, and yielded the tribute of homage and praise even to adoration; his exploits were handed down to posterity with a thousand exaggerations; they were repeated as incitements to virtue; divine honours were paid, and altars erected to his memory, for the encouragement of those who attempted to imitate his example; and hence arose the heathen mythology, which is no other than a collection of extravagant Romances.—As learning advanced, and genius received cultivation, these stories were embellished with the graces of poetry, that they might the better recommend themselves to the attention; they were sung in publick, at festivals, for the instruction and delight of the audience; and rehearsed before battle, as incentives to deeds of glory. Thus tragedy and the epic muse were born, and, in the progress of taste, arrived at perfection.—It is no wonder, that the ancients could not relish a fable in prose, after they had seen so many remarkable events celebrated in verse, by their best poets; we therefore, find no romance among them, during the aera of their excellence, unless the Cyropaedia of Zenophon may be so called; and it was not till arts and sciences began to revive, after the irruption of the Barbarians into Europe, that any thing of this kind appeared. But when the minds of men were debauched by the imposition of priest-craft to the most absurd pitch of credulity; the authors of romance arose, and losing sight of probability, filled their performances with the most monstrous hyperboles. If they could not equal the ancient poets in point of genius, they were resolved to excel them in fiction, and apply to the wonder rather than the judgment of their readers. Accordingly they brought negromancy to their aid, and instead of supporting the character of their heroes, by dignity of sentiment and practice, distinguished them by their bodily strength, activity and extravagance of behaviour. Although nothing could be more ludicrous and unnatural than the figures they drew, they did not want patrons and admirers, and the world actually began to be infected with the spirit of knight-errantry, when Cervantes, by an inimitable piece of ridicule, reformed the taste of mankind, representing chivalry in the right point of view, and converting romance to purposes far more useful and entertaining, by making it assume the sock, and point out the follies of ordinary life.
The same method has been practised by other Spanish and French authors, and by none more successfully than by Monsieur Le Sage, who in his adventures of Gil Blas, has described the knavery and foibles of life, with infinite humour and sagacity.—The following sheets I have modelled on his plan, taking the liberty, however, to differ from him in the execution, where I thought his particular situations were uncommon, extravagant, or peculiar to the country in which the scene is laid.—The disgraces of Gil Blas, are for the most part, such as rather excite mirth than compassion; he himself laughs at them; and his transitions from distress to happiness, or at least ease, are so sudden, that neither the reader has time to pity him, nor himself to be acquainted with affliction.—This conduct, in my opinion, not only deviates from probability, but prevents that generous indignation, which ought to animate the reader, against the sordid and vicious disposition of the world.
I have attempted to represent modest merit struggling with every difficulty to which a friendless orphan is exposed, from his own want of experience, as well as from the selfishness, envy, malice, and base indifference of mankind.—To secure a favourable prepossession, I have allowed him the advantages of birth and education, which in the series of his misfortunes, will, I hope, engage the ingenuous more warmly in his behalf; and though I foresee, that some people will be offended at the mean scenes in which he is involved, I persuade myself the judicious will not only perceive the necessity of describing those situations to which he must of course be confined, in his low estate; but also find entertainment in viewing those parts of life, where the humours and passions are undisguised by affectation, ceremony, or education; and the whimsical peculiarities of disposition appear as nature has implanted them.—But I believe I need not trouble myself in vindicating a practice authorized by the best writers in this way, some of whom I have already named.
Every intelligent reader will, at first sight, perceive I have not deviated from nature, in the facts, which are all true in the main, although the circumstances are altered and disguised to avoid personal satire.
It now remains, to give my reasons for making the chief personage of this work a North-Briton; which are chiefly these: I could at a small expence bestow on him such education as I thought the dignity of his birth and character required, which could not possibly be obtained in England, by such slender means as the nature of my plan would afford. In the next place, I could represent simplicity of manners in a remote part of the kingdom, with more propriety, than in any place near the capital; and lastly, the disposition of the Scots, addicted to travelling, justifies my conduct in deriving an adventurer from that country.
That the delicate reader may not be offended at the unmeaning oaths which proceed from the mouths of some persons in these memoirs, I beg leave to premise, that I imagined nothing could more effectually expose the absurdity of such miserable expletives, than a natural and verbal representation of the discourse with which they are commonly interlarded.
THE CONTENTS OF THE FIRST VOLUME.
CHAP. I. Of my birth and parentage. page 1
CHAP. II. I grow up—am hated by my relations—sent to school—neglected by my grandfather—maltreated by my master—seasoned to adversity—form cabals against the pedant—debarred access to my grandfather—hunted by his heir—demolish the teeth of his tutor. p. 7
CHAP. III. My mother's brother arrives—relieves me—a description of him—goes along with me to the house of my grandfather—is encountered by his dogs—defeats them after a bloody engagement—is admitted to the old gentleman—a dialogue between them. p. 12
CHAP. IV. My grandfather makes his will—our second visit—he dies—his will is read in presence of all his living descendants—the disappointment of my female cousins—my uncle's behaviour. p. 18
CHAP. V. The schoolmaster uses me barbarously—I form a project of revenge, in which I am assisted by my uncle—I leave the village—am settled at the university by his generosity. p. 23
CHAP. VI. I make great progress in my studies—am caressed by every body—my female cousins take notice of me—I reject their invitation—they are incensed and conspire against me—I am left destitute by a misfortune that befals my uncle—Gawky's treachery—my revenge. p. 30
CHAP. VII. I am entertained by Mr. Crab—a description of him—I acquire the art of surgery—consult Crab's disposition—become necessary to him—an accident happens—he advises me to launch out into the world—assists me with money—I set out for London. p. 39
CHAP. VIII. I arrive at Newcastle—meet with my old school-fellow Strap—we determine to walk in company to London—set out on our journey—put up at a solitary ale-house—are disturbed by a strange adventure in the night. p. 48
CHAP. IX. We proceed on our journey—are overtaken by an highwayman who fires at Strap, is prevented from shooting me by a company of horsemen, who ride in pursuit of him—Strap is put to bed at an inn—Adventures at that inn. p. 58
CHAP. X. The highwayman, is taken—we are detained as evidences against him—proceed to the next village—he escapes—we arrive at another inn, where we go to bed—in the night we are awaked by a dreadful adventure—next night we lodge at the house of a school-master—our treatment there. p. 65
CHAP. XI. We descry the waggon—get into it—arrive at an inn—our fellow-travellers described—a mistake is committed by Strap, which produces strange things. p. 73
CHAP. XII. Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the combat—an affair between the captain and me—the usurer is fain to give miss Jenny five guineas for a release—we are in danger of losing a meal—the behaviour of Weazel, Jenny, and Joey on that occasion—an account of captain Weazel and his lady—the captain's courage tried—Isaac's mirth at the captain's expence. p. 83
CHAP. XIII. Strap and I am terrified by an apparition—Strap's conjecture—the mystery explained by Joey, we arrive at London—our dress and appearance described—we are insulted in the street—an adventure in the ale-house— —we are imposed upon by a waggish footman—set to rights by a tobacconist—take lodgings—dive for a dinner—an accident at our ordinary. p. 94
CHAP. XIV. We visit Strap's friend—a description of him—his advice—we go to Mr. Cringer's house—are denied admittance—an accident befals Strap—his behaviour thereupon—an extraordinary adventure occurs, in the course of which I lose all my money. p. 104
CHAP. XV. Strap moralizes—presents his purse to me—we inform our landlord of my misfortune, who unravels the mystery—I present myself to Cringer—he recommends and turns me over to Mr. Staytape—I become acquainted with a fellow dependant, who explains the characters of Cringer and Staytape—and informs me of the method to be pursued at the Navy-office, and Surgeon's-hall—Strap is employed. p. 113
CHAP. XVI. My new acquaintance breaks an appointment—I proceed by myself to the Navy-office—address myself to a person there, who assists me with his advice—I write to the board—they grant me a letter to the Surgeons at the hall—I am informed of the beau's name and character—I find him—he makes me his confident in an amour—desires me to pawn my linen, for his occasions—I recover what I lent him—some curious observations of Strap on that occasion—his vanity. p. 122
CHAP. XVII. I go to Surgeon's hall, where I meet with Mr. Jackson—I am examined—a fierce dispute arises between two of the examiners—Jackson disguises himself to attract respect—is detected—in hazard of being sent to Bridewell—he treats us at a tavern—carries us to a night-house, a troublesome adventure there—we are committed to the Round-house—carried before a justice—his behaviour. p. 134
CHAP. XVIII. I carry my qualifications to the Navy-office—the nature of it—the behaviour of the s—t—y—Strap's concern for my absence—a battle between him and a blacksmith—the troublesome consequences of it—his harrangue to me—his friend the school-master recommends me to a French apothecary, who entertains me as a journeyman. p. 146
CHAP. XIX. The characters of Mr. Lavement, his wife and daughter—some anecdotes of the family—the mother and daughter rivals—I am guilty of a mistake that gives me present satisfaction, but is attended with troublesome consequences. p. 155
CHAP. XX. I am assaulted and dangerously wounded—I suspect Odonnel, and am confirmed in my opinion—I concert a scheme of revenge, and put it in execution—Odonnel robs his own servant, and disappears—I make my addresses to a lady, and am miraculously delivered from her snare. p. 164
CHAP. XXI. Squire Gawky comes to lodge with my master—is involved in a troublesome affair, out of which he is extricated by me—he marries my master's daughter—they conspire against me—I am found guilty of theft—discharged—deserted by my friends—I hire a room in St. Giles's—where, by accident, I find the lady to whom I made my addresses, in a miserable condition—I relieve her. p. 172
CHAP. XXII. The history of Miss Williams. p. 185
CHAP. XXIII. She is interrupted by a bailif, who arrests, and carries her to the marshalsea—I accompany her—bring witnesses to prove she is not the same person named in the writ—the bailif is fain to give her a present, and discharge her—we shift our lodging—she resumes her story and ends it—my reflections thereupon—she makes me acquainted with the progress of a common woman of the town—resolves to quit that way of life. p. 201
CHAP. XXIV. I am reduced to great misery—assaulted on Tower-hill by a press-gang, who put me on board a tender—my usage there—my arrival on board of the Thunder man of war, where I am put in irons, and afterwards released by the good offices of Mr. Thomson, who recommends me as assistant to the surgeon—he relates his own story, and makes me acquainted with the characters of the captain, surgeon, and first mate. p. 218
CHAP. XXV. The behaviour of Mr. Morgan—his pride, displeasure and generosity—the oeconomy of our mess described—Thomson's further friendship—the nature of my duty explained—the situation of the sick. p. 229
CHAP. XXVI. A disagreeable accident happens to me in the discharge of my office—Morgan's nose is offended—a dialogue between him and the ship's steward—upon examination, I find more causes of complaint than one—my hair is cut off—Morgan's cookery—The manner of sleeping on board—I am waked in the night by a dreadful noise. p. 236
CHAP. XXVII. I acquire the friendship of the surgeon, who procures a warrant for me, and makes me a present of cloaths—a battle between a midshipman and me—the surgeon leaves the ship—the captain comes on board with another surgeon—a dialogue between the captain and Morgan—the sick are ordered to be brought upon the quarter-deck and examined—the consequences of that order—a madman accuses Morgan, and is set at liberty by command of the captain, whom he instantly attacks and pummels without mercy. p. 242
CHAP. XXVIII. The captain enraged, threatens to put the madman to death with his own hand—is diverted from that resolution by the arguments and persuasion of the first lieutenant and surgeon—we set sail for St. Helens, join the sleet under the command of Sir C—n—r O—le, and proceed for the West-Indies—are overtaken by a terrible tempest—my friend Jack Rattlin has his leg broke by a fall from the main-yard—the behaviour of doctor Mackshane—Jack opposes the amputation of his limb, in which he is seconded by Morgan and me, who undertake the cure, and perform it successfully. p. 252
CHAP. XXIX. Mackshane's malice—I am taken up and imprisoned for a spy—Morgan meets with the same fate—Thomson is tampered with to turn evidence against us—disdains the proposal, and is maltreated for his integrity—Morgan is released to assist the surgeon during an engagement with some French ships of war—I remain fettered on the poop, exposed to the enemy's shot, and grow delirious with fear—am comforted after the battle by Morgan, who speaks freely of the captain; is over-heard by the centinel, who informs against him, and again imprisoned—Thomson grows desperate, and notwithstanding the remonstrances of Morgan and me, goes over-board in the night. p. 259
CHAP. XXX. We lament over the fate of our companion—the captain offers Morgan his liberty, which he refuses to accept—we are brought before him and examined—Morgan is sent back to custody, whither also I am remanded after a curious trial. p. 266.
CHAP. XXXI. I discover a subornation against me, by means of a quarrel between two of the evidences; in consequence of which, I am set at liberty, and prevail upon Morgan to accept of his freedom on the same terms—Mackshane's malice—we arrive at Jamaica, from whence in a short time we beat up to Hispaniola, in conjunction with the West-Indian squadron—we take in water, sail again, and arrive at Carthagena—reflections on our conduct there. p. 277
CHAP. XXXII. Our land forces being disembarked, erect a faschine battery—our ship is ordered with four more, to batter the fort of Bocca Chica—Mackshane's cowardice—the chaplain's phrenzy—honest Rattlin loses one hand—his heroism, and reflections on the battle—Crampley's behaviour to me during the heat of the fight. p. 282
CHAP. XXXIII. A breach being made in the walls, our soldiers give the assault, take the place without opposition—our sailors at the same time become masters of all the other strengths near Bocca Chica, and take possession of the harbour—the good consequences of this success—we move nearer the town—find two forts deserted, and the channel blocked up with sunk vessels; which however, we find means to clear—land our soldiers at La Quinta—repulse a body of militia—attack the castle of St. Lazar, and are forced to retreat with great loss—the remains of our army are re-embarked—an effort of the admiral to take the town—the oeconomy of our expedition described. p. 289
CHAP. XXXIV. An epidemic fever rages among us—we abandon our conquests—I am seized with the distemper; write a petition to the captain, which is rejected—I am in danger of suffocation through the malice of Crampley; and relieved by a serjeant—my fever encreases—the chaplain wants to confess me—I obtain a favourable crisis—Morgan's affection for me proved—the behaviour of Mackshane and Crampley towards me—Captain Oakhum is removed into another ship with his beloved doctor—our new captain described—an adventure of Morgan. p. 297
CHAP. XXXV. Captain Whiffle sends for me—his situation described—his surgeon arrives, prescribes for him, and puts him to bed—a bed is put up for Mr. Simper contiguous to the state-room, which, with other parts of the captain's behaviour, gives the ship's company a very unfavourable idea of their commander—I am detained in the West-Indies, by the admiral, and go on board the Lizard sloop of war, in quality of surgeon's mate, where I make myself known to the surgeon, who treats me very kindly—I go on shore, sell my ticket, purchase necessaries, and at my return on board, am surprized at the sight of Crampley, who is appointed lieutenant of the sloop—we sail on a cruize—take a prize, in which I arrive at port Morant, under the command of my mess-mate, with whom I live in great harmony. p. 309
CHAP. XXXVI. A strange adventure—in consequence of which I am extremely happy—Crampley does me ill offices with the captain: but his malice is defeated by the goodnature and friendship of the surgeon—we return to Port Royal—our captain gets the command of a larger ship, and is succeeded by an old man—Brayl is provided for—we receive orders to sail for England. p. 316
THE ADVENTURES OF
RODERICK RANDOM.
CHAP. I.
Of my birth and parentage.
I WAS born in the northern part of this united kingdom in the house of my grandfather, a gentleman of considerable fortune and influence, who had on many occasions signalized himself in behalf of his country; and was remarkable for his abilities in the law, which he exercised with great success, in quality of a judge, particularly against beggars, for whom he had a singular aversion.
My father, his youngest son, sell in love with a poor relation, who lived with the old gentleman, and performed the office of house-keeper; whom he privately espoused; of which marriage I am the first fruit.—During her pregnancy, a dream discomposed my mother so much, that my father, tired with her importunity, at last consulted a seer, whose favourable interpretation he would have secured before-hand by a bribe, but found him incorruptible. She dreamed, she was delivered of a tennis-ball, which the devil (who to her great surprize, acted the part of a midwife) struck so forcibly with a racket, that it disappeared in an instant; and she was for some time inconsolable for the loss of her off-spring; when all of a sudden, she beheld it return with equal violence, and earth itself beneath her feet, whence immediately sprung up a goodly tree covered with blossoms, the scent of which operated so strongly on her nerves that she awoke.—The attentive sage, after some deliberation, assured my parents, that their first-born would be a great traveller, that he would undergo many dangers and difficulties, and at last return to his native land, where he would flourish with great reputation and happiness.—How truly this was foretold, will appear in the sequel.—It was not long before some officious person informed my grandfather of familiarities that passed between his son and housekeeper, which alarmed him so much, that, a few days after, he told my father it was high time for him to enter into the holy state of matrimony, and that he had provided a match for him, to which he could in justice have no objections. My father, finding it would be impossible to conceal his situation much longer, frankly owned what he had done, and excused himself for not having asked the consent of his father, by saying, he knew it would be to no purpose; and that, had his inclination been known, my grandfather might have taken such measures as would have effectually put the gratification of it out of his power: he added, that no exception could be made to his wife's virtue, birth, beauty, and good sense, and as for fortune, it was beneath his consideration.—The old gentleman, who kept all his passions (except one) in excellent order, heard him to an end with great temper; and then calmly asked, how he proposed to maintain himself and spouse?—He replied, he could be in no danger of wanting, while his father's tenderness remained, which he and his wife would always cherish with the utmost veneration; that he was persuaded his allowance would be suitable to the dignity and circumstances of his family, and the provision already made to his brothers and sisters, who were happily settled under his protection.—Your brothers and sisters, said my grandfather, did not think it beneath them to consult me in an affair of such importance as matrimony; neither (I suppose) would you have omitted that piece of duty, had you not some secret fund in reserve, to the comforts of which I leave you, with a desire that you will this night, seek out another habitation for yourself and wife, whither in a short time, I will send you an account of the
pence I have been at in your education, with a view of being reimbursed.—Sir, you have made the grand tour—you are a polite gentleman—a very pretty gentleman—I wish you a great deal of joy, and am your very humble servant. So saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined. However, he did not long hesitate; for lbeing perfectly well acquainted with his father's disposition, he did not doubt that he was glad of this pretence to get rid of him; and as his resolves were invariable like the laws of the Medes and Persians, he knew it would be to no purpose to attempt him by prayers and intreaties; so without any farther application, he betook himself with his disconsolate bedfellow, to a farm-house, where an old servant of his mother dwelt; there they remained some time in a situation but ill adapted to the elegance of their desires and tenderness of their love; which nevertheless, my father endured, rather than supplicate an unnatural and inflexible parent: but my mother, foreseeing the inconveniencies she would be exposed to, if she must be delivered in this place (and her pregnancy was very far advanced) without communicating her design to her husband, went in disguise to the house of my grandfather, hoping that her tears and condition would move him to compassion, and reconcile him to an event which could not otherwise be amended—She found means to deceive the servants, and was introduced as an unfortunate lady, who wanted to complain of some matrimonial grievances, it being my grandfather's particular province to decide in all cases of scandal. She was accordingly admitted into his presence, where discovering herself, she sell at his seet, and in the most affecting manner, implored his forgiveness; at the same time, representing the danger that threatned not only her life, but that of his own grandchild which was about to see the light.—He told her, he was sorry that the indiscretion of her and his son had compelled him to make a vow, which put it out of his power to give them any assistance—That he had already imparted his thoughts on that subject to her husband, and was surprised that they should disturb his peace with any further importunity.—This said, he retired.—The violence of my mother's affliction had such an effect on her constitution, that she was immediately seized with the pains of childbed; and had not an old maid-servant to whom she was very dear, afforded her pity and assistance, at the hazard of incurring my grandfather's displeasure, she and the innocent fruit of her womb must have fallen miserable victims to his rigour and inhumanity.—By the friendship of this poor woman, she was carried up to a garret, and immediately delivered of a man-child, the story of whose unfortunate birth, he himself now relates.—My father being informed of what had happened, flew to the embraces of his darling spouse, and while he loaded his off spring with paternal caresses, could not forbear shedding a flood of tears, on beholding the dear partner of his heart (for whose ease he would have sacrificed the treasures of the east) stretched upon a flock-bed, in a miserable apartment, unable to protect her from the inclemencies of the weather.—It is not to be supposed that the old gentleman was ignorant of what passed, tho' he affected to know nothing of the matter, and pretended to be very much surprized, when the son of his deceased eldest son, a pert boy, who lived with him as his heir apparent, acquainted him with the affair; he determined therefore to preserve no medium, but immediately (on the third day after her delivery) sent her a peremptory order to begone, and turned off the servant who had preserved her life. This behaviour so exasperated my father, that he had recourse to the most dreadful imprecations, and on his bare knees implored that heaven would renounce him, if ever he should forget or forgive the barbarity of his fire.—The injuries which this unhappy mother received from her removal in such circumstances, and the want of necessaries where she lodged, together with her grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her into a languishing disorder which put an end to her life. My father, who loved her tenderly, was so affected with her death, that he remained six weeks deprived of his senses; during which time, the people where he lodged, carried the infant to the old man, who relented so far, on hearing the melancholy story of his daughter-in-law's death, and the deplorable condition of his son, that he sent the child to nurse, and ordered my father to be carried home to his house, where he soon recovered the use of his reason.—Whether this hard-hearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel treatment of his son and daughter; or (which is more probable) was afraid his character would suffer in the neighbourhood; he professed great sorrow for his conduct to my father, whose delirium was succeeded by a profound melancholy and reserve. At length he disappeared, and notwithstanding all imaginable inquiry, could never be heard of, which confirmed most people in the opinion of his having made away with himself in a fit of despair.—How I understood the particulars of my birth, will appear in the course of these memoirs.
CHAP. II.
I grew up—am hated by my relations—sent to school—neglected by my grandfather—maltreated by my master—seasoned to adversity—form cabals against the pedant—debarred access to my grandfather—hunted by his heir—demolish the teeth of his tutor.
THERE were not wanting some, who suspected my uncles of being concerned in my father's fate, on the supposition that they would all share in the patrimony destined for him: and this conjecture seemed supported by reflecting, that in all his calamities they never discovered the least inclination to serve him; but, on the contrary, by all the artifices in their power, fed his father's resentment, and strengthened his resolution of leaving him to misery and want.—But people of judgment treated this insinuation as an idle chimera; because had my relations been so wicked as to consult their interest by committing such an attrocious crime. the fate of my father would have extended to me too, whose life was another obstacle to their expectation.—Mean while, I grew apace, and as I strongly resembled my father, who was the darling of the tenants, I wanted nothing which their indigent circumstances could afford: but their favour was a weak resource against the jealous enmity of my cousins; who, the more my infancy promised, conceived the more implacable hatred against me; and before I was six years of age, had so effectually blockaded my grandfather, that I never saw him but by stealth; when I sometimes made up to his chair as he fat to view his labourers in the field: on which occasions, he would stroak my head, bid me be a good boy, and promise he would take care of me.—I was soon after sent to school at a village hard by, of which he had been dictator time out of mind: but as he neither paid for my board, nor supplied me with clothes, books, and other necessaries I required, my condition was very ragged and contemptible, and the schoolmaster, who through fear of my grandfather taught me
gratis,
gave himself no concern about the progress I made under his instruction.—In spite of all these difficulties and disgraces, I became a good proficient in the Latin tongue; and as soon as I could write tolerably, pestered my grandfather with letters to such a degree, that he sent for my master, and chid him severely for bestowing such pains on my education, telling him, that if ever I should be brought to the gallows for forgery, which he had taught me to commit, my blood should lie on his head.—The pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the displeasure of his patron, assured his honour that the boy's ability was more owing to his own genius and application, than to any instruction or encouragement he received; that, although he could not divest him of the knowledge he had already imbibed, unless he would impower him to disable his fingers, he should endeavour, with G—d's help, to prevent his future improvement. And indeed, he punctually performed what he he had undertaken: for, on pretence that I had wrote impertinent letters to my grandfather, he caused a board to be made with five holes in it, through which he thrust the fingers and thumb of my right hand, and fastened it by whip-cord to my wrist, in such a manner, that I was effectually debarr'd the use of my pen. But this restraint I was freed from in a few days, by an accident which happened in a quarrel between me and another boy, who taking upon him to insult my poverty, I was so incensed at this ungenerous reproach, that with one stroke of my machine, I cut him to the skull, to the great terror of myself and school-fellows, who left him bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform the master of what had happened. I was so severely punished for this trespass, that, were I to live to the age of Methusalem, the impression it made on me would not be effaced; no more than the antipathy and horror I conceived for the merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The contempt which my appearance naturally produced, in all who saw me, the continual wants I was exposed to, and my own haughty disposition, impatient of affronts, involved me in a thousand troublesome adventures, by which I was at length enured to adversity, and emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often inhumanly scourged for crimes I did not commit, because having the character of a vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief whose author lay unknown, was charged upon me.—I have been found guilty of robbing orchards I never entered, of killing cats I never hurted, of stealing gingerbread I never touched, and of abusing old women I never saw.—Nay, a stammering carpenter had eloquence enough to persuade my master, that I fired a pistol loaded with small shot, into his window; though my landlady and the whole family bore witness, that I was a-bed fast asleep at the time when this outrage was committed.—I was flogged for having narrowly escaped drowning, by the sinking of a ferry-boat in which I was passenger.—Another time for having recovered of a bruise occasioned by a horse and cart running over me.—A third time, for being bit by a baker's dog.—In short, whether I was guilty or unfortunate, the vengeance and sympathy of this arbitrary pedagogue were the same. Far from being subdued by this insernal usage, my indignation triumphed over that slavish awe which had hitherto enforced my obedience; and the more my years and knowledge increased, the more I perceived the injustice and barbarity of his behaviour. By the help of an uncommon genius, and the advice and direction of our usher, who had served my father in his travels, I made a surprising progress in the classicks, writing and arithmetick; so that before I was twelve years old, I was confessedly the best scholar in the school: This qualification, together with a boldness of temper, and strength of make, which had subjected almost all my cotemporaries, gave me such influence over them, that I began to form cabals against my persecutor; and was in hopes of being able to bid him defiance in a very short time.—Being at the head of a faction consisting of thirty boys, most of them of my own age, I was determined to put their mettal to trial, that I might know how far they were to be depended upon, before I put my grand scheme in execution: with this view we attacked a body of stout apprentices, who had taken possession of a part of the ground allotted to us, for the scene of our diversions; and who were then playing at nine-pins on the spot: but I had the mortification to see my adherents routed in an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his flight by the bowl, which one of our adversaries had detached in pursuit of us.—This discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them afterwards, in frequent skirmishes which we maintained by throwing stones at a distance, wherein I received many wounds, the sears of which still remain. Our enemies were so harassed and interrupted by these alarms, that they at last abandoned their conquest, and left us to the peaceable enjoyment of our own territories.—It would be endless to enumerate the exploits we performed in the course of this consederacy, which became the terror of the whole village; insomuch, that when different interests divided it, one of the parties commonly courted the assistance of Roderick Random (by which name I was known) to cast the balance, and keep the opposite section in awe.—Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every play-day, to present myself before my grandfather, to whom I seldom found access, by reason of his being so closely besieged by a numerous family of his female grandchildren, who, though they perpetually quarrelled among themselves, never failed to join against me, as the common enemy of all. His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, minded nothing but fox-hunting, and indeed was qualified for nothing else, notwithstanding his grandfather's indulgence, in entertaining a tutor for him at home; who at the same time performed the office of parish clerk. This young Acteon, who inherited his grandfather's antipathy to every thing in distress, never set eyes on me, without uncoupling his beagles, and hunting me into some cottage or other, whither I generally fled for shelter. In this christian amusement, he was encouraged by his preceptor, who, no doubt, took such opportunities to ingratiate himself with the rising sun, observing that the old gentleman, according to course of nature, had not long to live, being already on the verge of fourscore.—The behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so much, that one day, when I was beleagured by him and his hounds into a farmer's house, where I had found protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent marksman) with a large pebble, which struck out four of his foreteeth, and effectually incapacitated him for doing the office of a clerk ever after.
CHAP. III.
My mother's brother arrives—relieves me—a description of him—goes along with me to the house of my grandfather—is encountered by his dogs—defeats them after a bloody engagement—is admitted to the old gentleman—a dialogue between them.
ABOUT this time, my mother's only brother, who had been long abroad, lieutenant of a man of war, arrived in his own country; where being informed of my condition, he came to see me, and out of his slender finances, not only supplied me with what necessaries I wanted for the present, but resolved not to leave the country, until he had prevailed on my grandfather to settle something handsome for the future. This was a task to which he was by no means equal, being entirely ignorant not only of the judge's disposition, but also unacquainted with the ways of men in general, to which his education on board had kept him an utter stranger.—He was a strong built man, somewhat bandylegged, with a neck like that of a bull, and a face which (you might easily perceive) had withstood the most obstinate assaults of the weather.—His dress consisted of a soldier's coat altered for him by the ship's taylor, a stripped flannel jacket, a pair of red breeches japanned with pitch, clean grey worsted stockings, large silver buckles that covered three-fourths of his shoes, a silverlaced hat whose crown over-looked the brims about an inch and a half, a black bob wig in the buckle, a check shirt, a silk handkerchief, an hanger with a brass handle girded to his thigh by a tarnished laced belt, and a good oak plant under his arm.—Thus equipt, he set out with me (who by his bounty made a very decent appearance) for my grandfather's house, where we were saluted by Jowler and Caesar, whom my cousin, young master, had let loose at our approach. Being well acquainted with the inveteracy of these curs, I was about to betake myself to my heels, when my uncle seizing me with one hand, brandished his cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid Caesar sprawling on the ground: but finding himself attacked at the same time in the rear by Jowler, and fearing Caesar might recover, he drew his hanger, wheel'd about, and by a lucky stroke, severed Jowler's head from his body.—By this time, the young fox-hunter and three servants armed with pitch-forks and flails were come to the assistance of the dogs, whom they found breathless upon the field. My cousin was so provoked at the death of his favourites, that he ordered his attendants to advance, and take vengeance on their executioner, whom he loaded with all the curses and reproaches his anger could suggest.—Upon which my uncle stepped forwards with an undaunted air, at the sight of whose bloody weapon, his antagonists fell back with precipitation; when he accosted their leader thus:—
"Lookée, brother, your dogs having boarded me without provocation, what I did was in my own desence.—So you had best be civil, and let us shoot a-head, clear of you."
Whether the young 'squire misinterpreted my uncle's desire of peace, or was enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch of resolution, I know not; but he snatched a flall from one of his followers, and came up with a shew of assaulting the lieutenant, who putting himself into a posture of defence, proceeded thus:—
"Lookée, you lubberly son of a w—e, if you come athwart me, 'ware your gingerbreadwork.—I'll be foul of your quarter, d—n me."
This declaration followed by a slourish of his hanger, seemed to check the progress of the young gentleman's choler, who, upon turning about, perceived his attendants had slunk into the house, shut the gate, and left him to decide the contention by himself.—Here a parley ensued, which was introduced by my cousin's asking,
"Who the d—l are you?—What do you want?—Some scoundrel of a seaman (I suppose) who has deserted and turned thief.—But don't think you shall escape, sirrah,—I'll have you hanged, you dog,—I will.—Your blood shall pay for that of my two hounds, you ragamuffin.—I would not have parted with them to save your whole generation from the gallows, you ruffian, you."—
"None of your jaw, you swab,—none of your jaw (replied my uncle) else I shall trim your laced jacket for you—I shall rub you down with an oaken towel, my boy—I shall."—
So saying, he sheathed his hanger and grasped his cudgel. Mean-while the people of the house being alarm'd, one of my female cousins opened a window, and asked what was the matter?—
"The matter! (answered the lieutenant) no great matter, young woman.—I have business with the old gentleman, and this spark, belike, won't allow me to come along side of him, that's all."—
After a few minutes pause, we were admitted, and conducted to my grandfather's chamber, through a lane of my relations, who honoured me with very significant looks, as I passed along.—When we came into the judge's presence, my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself in this manner:—
"Your servant, your servant.—What chear, father? what chear?—I suppose you don't know me—may hap you don't.—My name is Tom Bowling,—and this here boy, you look as if you did not know him neither,—'tis like you mayn't.—He's new-rigged, i' faith;—his cloth don't shake in the wind so much as it wont to do.—'Tis my nephew, d'ye see, Roderick Random,—your own flesh and blood, old gentleman. don't lag a stern, you dog, don't (pulling me forward)."
My grandfather (who was laidup with the gout) received this relation, after his long absence, with that civility and coldness which was peculiar to him; told him he was glad to see him, and desired him to sit down.—
"Thank ye, thank ye, sir, I had as lief stand, (said my uncle) for my own part, I desire nothing of you; but if you have any conscience at all, do something for this poor boy, who has been used at a very unchristian rate.—Unchristian do I call it?—I am sure the Moors in Barbary, have more humanity than to leave their little ones to misery and want.—I would fain know, why my sister's son is more neglected than that there Fair-weather Jack,"
(pointing to the young 'squire, who with the rest of my cousins, had followed us into the room.)
"Is he not as near a-kin to you as the other?—Is not he much handsomer and better built than that great chucklehead?—Come, come, consider, old gentleman, you are going in a short time, to give an account of your evil actions.—Remember the wrongs you did his father; and make all the sati
faction in your power, before it be too late.—The least thing you can do, is to settle his father's portion on him."—
The young ladies, who thought themselves too much concerned, to contain themselves any longer, set up their throats altogether against my protector, who stopped his ears with his fingers, and cried out, that all the devils in hell had broke loose upon him.—
"Scurvy companion,—sawcy tarpawlin,—rude, impertinent fellow, did he think to prescribe to grandpapa—His sister's brat had been too well taken care of,—Grandpapa was too just not to make a difference between an unnatural rebellious son, and his dutiful loving children who took his advice in all things;"
and such expressions, were levelled against him with great violence; until the judge at length commanded silence.—He calmly rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, which he said he would excuse on account of his education: he told him he had been very kind to the boy, whom he had kept at school seven or eight years, although he was informed he made no progress in his learning; but was addicted to all manner of vice, which he the rather believed, because he himself was witness to a barbarous piece of mischief he had committed on the jaws of his chaplain.—But however, he would see what the lad was fit for, and bind him apprentice to some honest tradesman or other, provided he would mend his manners, and behave for the future, as became him.—The honest tar (whose pride and indignation boiled within him) answered my grandfather; that it was true he had sent him to school, but it had cost him nothing, for he had never been at one shilling expence, to furnish him with food, raiment, books, or other necessaries; so, that it was not to be much wondered at, if the boy made small progress; and yet, whoever told him so, was guilty of a damn'd lie, for he was allowed by those who understood those matters, to be the best scholar of his age, in all the country; the truth of which he would maintain, by laying a wager of his whole half year's pay on the boy's head;—(with these words he pulled out his purse, and challenged the company.)—Neither is he addicted to vice, as you affirm, but very much exposed to ill usage, by your neglect, on which occasions, d'ye see, he never fails to shew his spirit, which has been misrepresented to you.—As for what happened to your chaplain, I am only sorry, that he did not knock out the scoundrel's brains, instead of his teeth.—By the Lord, if ever I come up with him, he had better be in Greenland,—that's all.—Thank you for your courteous offer, of binding the lad apprentice to a tradesman, I suppose you would make a taylor of him—would you?—I had rather see him hang'd, d'ye see.—Come along, Rory, I perceive how the land lies, my boy,—let's tack about, i' faith,—while I have a shilling thou shan't want a tester.—B'wye, old gentleman, you're bound for the other world, but I believe damnably ill provided for the voyage.—Thus ended our visit, and we returned to the village, my uncle muttering curses all the way against the old shark and the young fry that surrounded him.
CHAP. IV.
My grandfather makes his will.—Our second visit—he dies—his will is read in presence of all his living descendants—the disappointment of my female cousins—my uncle's behaviour.
A FEW weeks after our first visit, we were informed that the old judge, after a fit of thoughtfulness, which lasted three days, had sent for a notary and made his will; that the distemper had mounted from his legs to his stomach, and being conscious of his approaching end, he had desired to see all his descendants without exception.—In obedience to this summons, my uncle set out with me a second time, to receive the last benediction of my grandfather; often repeating by the road,
"Ey, ey, we have brought up the old hulk at last.—You shall see,—you shall see the effect of my admonition."—
When we entered his chamber, which was crowded with his relations, we advanced to the bed-side, where we sound him in his last agonies, supported by two of his grand-daughters, who sat on each side of him, fobbing most piteously, and wiping away the froth and slaver as it gathered on his lips, which they frequently kissed with a shew of great anguish and affection.—I know not whether or not he perceived my uncle, who approached him with these words,
"What! he's not a weigh.—How fare ye,—how fare ye, old gentleman?—Lord have mercy upon your poor sinful soul."—
But the dying man turned his sunken eyes towards us,—when my uncle went on.—
"Here's poor Rory come to see you before you die and receive your blessing.—What man! don't despair,—you have been a great sinner, 'tis true,—what then? There's a righteous judge above,—isn't there? He minds me no more than a porpuss.—Yes, yes, he's a going,—the land crabs will have him, I see that;—his anchor's a peak, i' faith!"—
This homely consolation scandalized the company so much, and especially the parson, who probably thought his province invaded, that we were obliged to retire into another room, where in a few minutes, we were convinced of my grandfather's decease, by a dismal yell uttered by the young ladies in his apartment; whither we immediately hastened, and found his heir, who had retired a little before, into a closet under pretence of giving vent to his sorrow, asking, with a countenance beslubbered with tears, if his grandpapa was certainly dead?—
"Dead! (says my uncle, looking at the body) ay, ay, I'll warrant him as dead as a herring.—Odd's fish! now my dream is out for all the world.—I thought I stood upon the Fore-castle, and saw a parcel of carrion crows foul of a dead shark that floated alongside, and the devil perching on our sprit-failyard, in the likeness of a blue bear—who, d'ye see, jumped over-board upon the carcase, and carried it to the bottom in his claws."—
"Out upon thee, reprobate (cries the parson) out upon thee, blasphemous wretch!—Dost thou think his honour's soul is in the possession of Satan?"—
The clamour immediately arose, and my poor uncle, who was shouldered from one corner of the room to the other, was obliged to lug out in his own defence, and swear he would turn out for no man, till such time as he knew who had a title to send him a-drift.—
"None of your tricks upon travellers (said he;) may hap, old buff has lest my kinsman here, his heir;—If he has, it will be the better for his miserable soul.—Odd's bob! I'd desire no better news.—I'd soon make a clear ship, I warrant you."—
To avoid any farther disturbance, one of my grandfather's executors, who was present, assured Mr. Bowling, that his nephew should have all manner of justice; that a day should be appointed, after the funeral, for examining the papers of the deceased, in presence of all his relations; till such time every desk and cabinet in the house should remain close sealed; and that he was very welcome to be witness of this ceremony, which was immediately performed to his satisfaction.—In the mean time, orders were given to provide mourning for all the relations, in which number I was included: but my uncle would not suffer me to accept of it, until I should be assured whether or no I had reason to honour his memory so far.—During this interval, the conjectures of people, with regard to the old gentleman's will, were various: as it was well known, he had, besides his landed estate, which was worth 700
l. per annum,
six or seven thousand pounds at interest. Some imagined, that the whole real estate (which he had greatly improved) would go to the young man whom he always entertained as his heir; and that the money would be equally divided between my female cousins (five in number) and me.—Others were of opinion, that as the rest of his children had been already provided for, he would only bequeath two or three hundred pounds to each of his grand-daughters, and leave the bulk of the sum to me, to atone for his unnatural usage towards my father.—At length the important hour arrived, and the will was produced in the midst of the expectants, whose looks and gestures formed a groupe that would have been very entertaining to an unconcerned spectator.—But the reader can scarce conceive the astonishment and mortification that appeared, when an attorney pronounced aloud, the young 'squire sole heir of all his grandfather's estate personal and real.—My uncle, who had listened with great attention, sucking the head of his cudgel all the while, accompanied these words of the attorney with a stare, and
whew,
that alarmed the whole assembly. The eldest and pertest of my female competitors, who had been always very officious about my grandfather's person, enquired with a faultering accent, and visage as yellow as an orange,
"if there were no legacies?"
she was answered,
"none at all."—
Upon which she fainted away.—The rest, whose expectations (perhaps) were not so sanguine, supported their disappointment with more resolution; though not without giving evident marks of indignation, and grief at least as genuine as that which appeared in them at the old gentleman's death. My conductor, after having kicked with his heel for some time against the wainscot, began:
"So there's no legacy, friend, ha!—here's an old Succubus;—but somebody's soul howls for it, d—n me!"—
The parson of the parish, who was one of the executors, and had acted as ghostly director of the old man, no sooner heard this, than he cried out,
"Avaunt, unchristian reveler! avaunt! wilt thou not allow the soul of his honour to rest in the grave till the resurrection?"—
But this zealous pastor did not find himself so warmly seconded, as formerly, by the young ladies, who now joined my uncle against him, and accused him of having acted the part of a busy-body with their grandpapa, whose ears he had most certainly abused by false stories to their prejudice, or else he would not have neglected them, in such an unnatural manner.—The young 'squire was much diverted with this scene, and whispered to my uncle, that if he had not murdered his dogs, he would have shewn him glorious sun, by hunting a black badger (so he term'd the clergyman).—The surly lieutenant, who was not in an humour to relish this amusement, replied,
"you and your dogs may be damned.—I suppose you'll find them with your old dad, in the latitude of hell.—Come, Rory—about ship, my lad, we must steer another course, I think."—
and away we went.
CHAP. V.
The School-master uses me barbarously.—I form a project of revenge, in which I am assisted by my uncle.—I leave the village—am settled at an university by his generosity.
ON our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not a word during the space of a whole hour, but whistled with great vehemence, the tune of,
Why should we quarrel for riches, &c.
his visage being contracted all the while into a most formidable srown. At length his pace was increased to such a degree, that I was often left behind a considerable way, which when he perceived, he would wait for me; and when I was almost up with him, call out in a surly tone,
"Bear a hand, damme!—must I bring to every minute for you, you lazy dog."—
Then laying hold of me by the arm, haul me along, until his good nature (of which he had a good share) and reflection, getting the better of his passion, he would say,
"Come, my boy, don't be cast down,—the old rascal is in hell,—that's some satisfaction;—you shall go to sea with me, my lad.—
A light heart and a thin pair of breeches, goes thro' the world, brave boys;
as the song goes—eh!"—
Though this proposal did not at all suit my inclination, I was afraid of discovering my aversion to it, lest I should disoblige the only friend I had in the world; and he was so much a seaman, that he never dreamt I could have any objection to his design; consequently, gave himself no trouble in consulting my approbation. But this resolution was soon dropt, at the advice of our usher, who assured Mr. Bowling, it would be a thousand pities to baulk my genius, which would certainly, one day, make my fortune on shore, provided it received due cultivation.—Upon which, this generous tar determined (though he could ill afford it) to give me university education; and accordingly, settled my board and other expences, at a town not many miles distant, famous for its colleges, whither we repaired in a short time.—But before the day of our departure, the school-master, who no longer had the fear of my grandfather before his eyes, laid aside all decency and restraint, and not only abused me in the grossest language his rancour could suggest, as a wicked profligate, dull, beggarly miscreant, whom he had taught out of charity; but also inveighed in the most bitter manner against the memory of the judge (who by the bye had procured that settlement for him) hinting, in pretty plain terms, that the old gentleman's soul was damn'd to all eternity, for his injustice in neglecting to pay for my learning.—This brutal behaviour, added to the sufferings I had formerly undergone, made me think it high time to be revenged of this insolent pedagogue. Having consulted my adherents, I found them all staunch in their promises to stand by me; and our scheme was this:—In the afternoon preceeding the day of departure for the university, I was to take the advantage of the usher's going out to make water (which he regularly did at four o'clock) and shut the great door, that he might not come to the assistance of his superior. This being done, the assault was to be begun, by my advancing to the master and spitting in his face. I was to be seconded by two of the strongest boys in the school, who were devoted to me; their business was to join me in dragging the tyrant to a bench, over which he was to be laī d, and his bare posteriors heartily flogged with his own birch, which we proposed to wrest from him in the struggle; but if we should find him too many for us all three, we were to demand the assistance of our competitors, who should be ready to reinforce us, or oppose any thing that might be undertaken by the rest of the boys for the master's relief. One of my principal assistants was called Jeremy Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood; and the name of the other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a family which had given shoemakers to the village time out of mind.—I had once saved Gawky's life, by plunging into a river where he was on the point of being drowned, and by the help of swimming, dragging him ashore; I had often rescued him from the clutches of those whom his insufferable arrogance had provoked, to a resentment he was not able to sustain;—and I had many times saved his reputation and posteriors, by performing his exercises at school; so that it is not to be wondered at, if he had a particular regard for me and my interests. The attachment of Strap, flowed from a voluntary, disinterested inclination, which had manifested itself on many occasions in my behalf, having once rendered me the same service as I had afforded to Gawky, by saving my life at the risk of his own; and often fathered offences I had committed, for which he suffered severely, rather than I should feel the the weight of the punishment I deserved.—These two champions were the more willing to engage in this enterprize, as they intended to leave the school next day, as well as I; the first being ordered by his father to return into the country, and the other being bound apprentice to a barber, at a market town not far off.
In the mean time, my uncle being informed of my master's behaviour to me, was enraged beyond all composition, and vowed revenge so heartily, that I could not refrain from telling him the scheme I had concerted, which he heard with great satisfaction, at every sentence squirting out a mouthful of spittle, tinctured with tobacco, of which he constantly chewed a large quid.—At last, pulling up his breeches, he cried,
"No, no, Z—ds! that won't do neither,—howsomever, 'tis a bold undertaking, my lad,—that I must say, i' faith!—but lookée, lookée, how dost propose to get clear off?—won't the enemy give chace, my boy?—ay, ay, that he will, I warrant—and alarm the whole coast—ah! G—d help thee, more sail than ballast, Rory.—Let me alone for that—leave the whole to me—I'll shew him the foretop-sail, I will.—If so be that your ship-mates are jolly boys, and won't flinch, you shall see, you shall see; egad, I'll play him a salt-water trick—I'll bring him to the gang-way, and anoint him with a cat and nine tails,—he shall have a round dozen doubled, my lad, he shall—and be left lashed, to his meditations."—
We were very proud of our associate, who immediately went to work, and prepared the instrument of his revenge with great skill and expedition; after which, he ordered our baggage to be packed up and sent off, a day before our attempt, and got horses ready to be mounted, as soon as the affair should be over. At length the hour arrived, when our auxiliary, seizing the opportunity of the usher's absence, bolted in, secured the door, and immediately laid hold of the pedant by his collar, who bawled out
"Murder! Thieves!"—
with the voice of a stentor. Though I trembled all over like an aspenleas, I knew there was no time to be lost, and accordingly got up, and summoned our associates to my assistance.—Strap without any hesitation obeyed the signal, and seeing me leap upon the master's back, ran immediately to one of his legs, which pulling with all his force, this dreadful adversary was soon humbled to the ground; upon which Gawky, who had hitherto remained in his place, under the influence of an universal trepidation, hastened to the scene of action, and insulted the fallen tyrant with a loud huzza, in which the whole school joined.—This noise alarmed the usher, who finding himself shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats, and partly by entreaties, to procure admission.—My uncle bid him have a little patience, and he would let him in presently; but if he pretended to move from that place, it should fare the worse with the son of a b—ch his superior, on whom he intended only to bestow a little wholesome chastifement, for his barbarous usage of Rory,
"to which (said he) you are no stranger."—
By this time we had dragged the criminal to a post, to which Bowling tied him with a rope he had provided on purpose, after having fastened his hands behind his back, pulled down his breeches, and tucked up his garments and shirt, as far as they would go—In this ludicrous posture he stood (to the no small entertainment of the boys, who crowded about him, and shouted with great exultation at the novelty of the sight) venting bitter imprecations against the lieutenant, and reproaching his scholars with treachery and rebellion: when the usher was admitted, whom my uncle accosted in this manner:
"Harkée, Mr. Syntax, I believe you are an honest man, d'ye see—and I have a respect for you—but for all that, we must for our own security (d'ye see) belay you for a short time."—
With these words, he pulled out some fathoms of cord, which the honest man no sooner saw, than he protested with great earnestness, that he would allow no violence to be offered to him, at the same time accusing me of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling representing, that it was in vain to resist, and that he did not mean to use him with violence and indecency; but only to hinder him from raising the hue and cry against us, before we should be out of their power; he allowed himself to be bound to his own desk, where he sat a spectator of the punishment inflicted on his principal. My uncle having unbraided this arbitrary wretch with his inhumanity to me, told him, that he proposed to give him a little discipline for the good of his soul: which he immediately put in practice, with great vigour and dexterity. This smart application to the pedant's withered pofteriors, gave him such exquisite pain, that he roared like a mad bull, danced, cursed, blasphemed, and acted to the life, the part of a frantick bedlamite. When the lieutenant thought himself sufficiently revenged, he took his leave of him in these words,
"Now, friend, you'll remember me the longest day you have to live—I have given you a lesson, that will let you know what flogging is, and teach you to have more sympathy for the future—shout, boys, shout."—
This ceremony was no sooner over, than my uncle proposed they should quit the school, and convoy their old comrade Rory to a public house, about a mile from the village, where he would treat them all.—This offer being joyfully embraced, he addressed himself to Mr Syntax, and begged him to accompany us, which he refused with great disdain, telling my benefactor, that he was not the man he took him to be—
"Well, well, old surly (replied my uncle, shaking his hand) thou art an honest fellow notwithstanding; and if ever I have the command of a ship, thou shalt be school master, i' faith."
So saying, he dismissed the boys, and locking the door, left the two preceptors to console one another; while we moved forwards on our journey, attended by a numerous retinue, whom he treated according to his promise.—We parted with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the road, about ten miles short of the town where I was to remain, at which we arrived next day, and I found I had no cause to complain of the accommodations provided for me; being boarded at the house of an apothecary, who had married a distant relation of my mother. In a few days after, my uncle set out for his ship, after having settled the necessary funds for my maintenance and education.
CHAP. VI.
I make great progress in my studies—am caressed by every body—my female cousins take notice of me—I reject their invitation—they are incensed and conspire against me—I am left destitute by a misfortune that befals my uncle—Gawky's treachery—my revenge.
AS I was now capable of reflection, I began to consider my precarious situation; that I was utterly abandoned by those whose duty it was to protect me; and that my sole dependance was on the generosity of one man, who was not only exposed by his profession, to continual dangers, which might one day deprive me of him for ever; but also (no doubt) subject to those vicissitudes of disposition, which a change of fortune usually creates; or, which a better acquaintance with the world might produce:—for I always ascribed his benevolence to the dictates of a heart as yet undebauched by a commerce with mankind.—Alarmed at these considerations, I resolved to apply myself with great care to my studies, and enjoy the opportunity in my power: This I did with such success, that in the space of three years, I understood Greek very well, was pretty far advanced in the mathematics, and no stranger to moral and natural philosophy: logick I made no account of; but above all things, I valued myself on my taste in the
Belle Lettre,
and a talent for poetry, which had already produced some morceaus, that brought me a great deal of reputation. These qualifications added to a good face and shape, acquired the esteem and acquaintance of the most considerable people in town, and I had the satisfaction to find myself in some degree of favour with the ladies; an intoxicating piece of good fortune, to one of my amorous complexion! which I obtained, or at least preserved, by gratifying their propensity to scandal, in lampooning their rivals.—Two of my female cousins lived in this place, with their mother, after the death of their father, who left his whole fortune (which was considerable) equally divided between them; so that if they were not the most beautiful, they were at least the richest toasts in town; and received daily the addresses of all the beaux and cavaliers of the country.—Although I had hitherto been looked upon by them with the most supercilious contempt, which I endeavoured to return by the most perfect neglect, my character now attracted their notice so much, that I was given to understand, I might be honoured with their acquaintance, if I pleased.—The reader will easily perceive, that this condescension either flowed from the hope of making my poetical capacity subservient to their malice, or at least of screening themselves from the lash of my resentment, which they effectually provoked.—I enjoyed this triumph with great rapture; and not only rejected their offer with disdain, but, in all my performances, whether satire or panegyric, industriously avoided mentioning their names, even while I celebrated those of their intimates, which mortified their pride exceedingly, and incensed them to such a degree, that they rendered themselves universally ridiculous in satisfying their resentment against me.—The first stroke of their revenge consisted in their hiring a poor collegian to write verses against me, the subject of which was my own poverty, and the catastrophe of my unhappy parents; but besides the badness of the composition (of which they themselves were ashamed) they did not find their account in endeavouring to reproach me with those misfortunes, which they and their relations had intailed upon me; and which consequently, reflected much more dishonour on themselves, than on me, who was the innocent victim of their barbarity and avarice.—Finding this plan miscarry, they found means to irritate a young gentleman against me, by telling him I had lampooned his mistress; and so effectually succeeded in the quality of incendiaries, that this enraged lover determined to seize me next night, as I returned to my lodgings from a friend's house that I frequented; with this view, he waited in the street, attended by two of his companions, to whom he had imparted his design of carrying me down to the river, in which he proposed to have me heartily ducked, notwithstanding the severity of the weather, it being then about the middle of December.—But this stratagem did not succeed; for, being apprised of their ambush, I got home another way, and by the help of my landlord's apprentice, emptied a close stool out of the garret window, which did great execution upon them; and next day, occasioned so much mirth at their expence, that they found themselves under a necessity of leaving the town, until the adventure should be entirely forgotten.—My cousins (though twice baffled in their expectation) did not however, desist from persecuting me, who had now enraged them beyond a possibility of forgiveness, by detecting their malice, and preventing its effects: neither would I have found them more humane, had I patiently submitted to their rancour, and bore without murmuring the rigour of their unreasonable hate; for, I have found by experience, that though small favours may be acknowledged, and slight injuries atoned, there is no wretch so ungrateful as he, whom you have most generously obliged; and no enemy so implacable, as those who have done you most wrong.—These good-natured creatures, therefore, had recourse to a scheme which conspired with a piece of bad news I soon after received, to give them all the satisfaction they desired: this plan was to debauch the faith of my companion and confident, and prevail on him to betray the trust I reposed in him, by imparting to them the particulars of my small amours, which they published with such exaggerations, that I suffered very much in the opinion of every body, and was utterly discarded, by the dear creatures whose names had been called in question.—While I was busied in tracing out the author of this treachery, that I might not only be revenged on him, but also vindicate my character to my friends; I one day, perceived the looks of my landlady so altered, when I went home to dinner, that upon enquiring into the cause, she screwed up her mouth, and fixing her eyes on the ground, told me her husband had received a letter from Mr. Bowling, with one inclosed for me—she was very sorry for what had happened, both for my sake, and his own—People should be more cautious of their cnoduct—she was always afraid his brutal behaviour would bring him into some misfortune or other.—As for her part, she would be very ready to befriend me; but she had a small family of her own to maintain.—The world would do nothing for her if she should come to want—charity begins at home.—She wished I had been bound to some substantial handicraft, such as a weaver or shoemaker, rather than loiter away my time in learning foolish nonsense that would never bring me in a penny—but some folks are wise, and some are otherwise—I was listening to this mysterious discourse, with great amazement, when her husband entered, and without speaking a syllable, put both the letters into my hand.—I received them trembling, and read what follows:
To ROGER POTION.
SIR,
THIS is to let you know that I have quitted the Thunder man of war; being obliged to sheer off, for killing my captain, which I did fairly on the beach, at Cape Tiberoon, in the island of Hispaniola; having received his fire, and returned it, which went through his body:—and I would serve the best man so that ever stept between stem and stern, if so be that he struck me, as captain Oakhum, did. I am (thank God) safe among the French, who are very civil, thof I don't understand their lingo,—and I hope to be restored in a little time, for all the great friends and parliamentary interest of the captain, for I have sent home to my landlord in Deal, an account of the whole affair, with our bearings and distances while we were engaged, whereby I have desired him to lay it before his majesty, who (G—d bless him) will not suffer an honest tar to be wronged.—My love to your spouse, and am
Your loving friend, and servant to command, while Thomas Bowling.
To RODERICK RANDOM.
Dear RORY,
DON'T be grieved at my misfortune—but mind your book, my lad. I have got no money to send you; but what of that?—Mr. Potion will take care of you, for the love he bears to me; and let you want for nothing, and it shall go hard, but I will see him one day repaid.—No more at present, but rests
Your dutiful uncle and servant, till death, Thomas Eowling.
This letter (which with the other was dated from Port Lou's in Hispaniola) was no sooner read, than the apothecary shaking his head, began:—
"I have a very great regard for Mr. Bowling, that's certain,—and could be well content—but times are very hard.—There's no such thingas money to be got—I believe 'tis all vanished under-ground, for my part.—Besides, I have been out of pocket already, having entertained you since the beginning of this month, without receiving a six-pence,—and G—d knows if ever I shall;—for I believe it will go hard with your uncle.—And more than that, I was thinking of giving you warning, for I want your apartment for a new 'prentice, whom I expect from the country every hour.—So, I desire you will this week provide yourself with another lodging."—
The indignation which this harangue inspired, gave me spirits to support my reverse of fortune; and to tell him, I despised his mean, selfish disposition so much, that I would rather starve than be beholden to him for one single meal. Upon which, out of my pocket-money, I paid him to the last farthing of what I owed, and assured him, I would not sleep another night under his roof.—This said, I sallied out, in a transport of rage and sorrow, without knowing whither to fly for shelter, having not one friend in the world capable of relieving me, and only three shillings in my purse.—After giving way for a few minutes to the dictates of my rage, I went and hired a small bed-room at the rate of one shilling and six-pence
per
week, which I was obliged to pay
per-
advance, before the landlord would receive me; hither I removed my luggage; and next morning got up, with a view of craving the advice and assistance of a person who had on all occasions, loaded me with caresses, and made frequent offers of friendship, while I was under no necessity of accepting them.—He received me with his wonted affability, and insisted on my breakfasting with him, which I did not think fit to refuse.—But when I communicated the occasion of my visit, he appeared so disconcerted, that I concluded him wonderfully affected with the misery of my condition, and looked upon him as a man of the most extensive sympathy and benevolence.—He did no leave me long under this mistake; for recovering himself out of his confusion, he told me, he was grieved at my misfortune, and desired to know what had passed between my landlord Mr. Potion and me. Whereupon I recounted the conversation; and when I repeated the answer I made to his ungenerous remonstrance with regard to my leaving his house, this pretended friend affected a stare, and exclaimed,
"Is it possible you could behave so ill to the man who had treated you so kindly all along?"—
My surprise at hearing this, was not at all affected, whatever his might be; and I gave him to understand, with some warmth, that I did not imagine he would so unreasonably espouse the cause of a scoundrel, who ought to be expelled from every social community.—This heat of mine, gave him all the advantage he desired over me, and our discourse (after much altercation) concluded in his desiring never to see me again in that place; to which I yielded my consent, assuring him, that had I been as well acquainted with his principles formerly as I was now, he never should have had an opportunity to make that request.—And thus we parted.
On my return, I met my old comrade 'squire Gawky, whom his father had sent, some time ago, to town, for his improvement in writing, dancing, fencing; and to see the world. As I had lived with him, since his arrival, on the footing of our old intimacy, I made no scruple of informing him of the lowness of my circumstances, and asking a small supply of money, to answer my present expence; upon which he pulled out an handful of half-pence with a shilling or two among them, and swore that was all he had to keep his pocket till next quarter day; having lost the greatest part of his allowance the night before at billiards. Though this might very well be true, I was extremely mortified at his indifference; for he neither discovered any sympathy for my mishap, nor desire of alleviating my distress; and accordingly, I left him without uttering one word: But when I afterwards understood, that he was the person who had formerly betrayed me to the malice of my cousins, to whom likewise he had carried the tidings of my forlorn situation, which afforded them great matter of triumph and exultation, I determined with myself to call him to a severe account; for which purpose, I borrowed a sword, and wrote a challenge, desiring him to meet me at a certain time and place, that I might have an opportunity of punishing his perfidy, at the expence of his blood.—He accepted the invitation, and I betook myself to the field, though not without feeling considerable repugnance to the combat, which frequently attacked me in cold sweats by the way;—but the desire of revenge, the shame of retracting, and hope of conquest, conspired to repel these unmanly symptoms of fear; and I appeared on the plain with a good grace: there I waited an hour beyond the time appointed, and was not ill pleased to find he had no mind to meet me; because now I should have an opportunity of exposing his cowardice, displaying my own courage, and of beating him soundly wheresoever I should find him, without any dread of the consequence.—Elevated with these suggestions, which entirely banished all thoughts of my deplorable condition, I went directly to Gawky's lodgings, where I was informed of his precipitate retreat, he having set out for the country in less than an hour after he had received my billet.—Whereupon, I was vain enough to have the whole story inserted in the news, although I was fain to sell a gold-laced hat to my landlord, for less than half-price, to defray the expence, and contribute to my subsistence.
CHAP. VII.
I am entertained by Mr. Crab—a description of him—I acquire the art of surgery—consult Crab's disposition—become necessary to him—an accident happens—he advises me to launch out into the world—assists me with money—I set out for London.
THE fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as well as the vanity of my success, I found myself deserted to all the horrors of extreme want, and avoided by mankind as a creature of a different species, or rather as a solitary being, no ways comprehended within the scheme or protection of providence. My despair had rendered me almost quite stupified, when I was one day told, that a gentleman desired to see me, at a certain publick house, whither immediately I repaired; and was introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab a surgeon in town, who was engaged with two more, in drinking a liquor called
pop-in,
composed by tossing a quartern of brandy into a quart of small beer.—Before I relate the occasion of this message, I believe it will not be disagreeable to the reader, if I describe the gentleman who sent for me, and mention some circumstances of his character and conduct, which may illustrate what follows, and account for his behaviour to me.
This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about five foot high, and ten round the belly; his face was capacious as a full moon, and much of the complexion of a mulberry: his nose resembling a powder-horn, was swelled to an enormous size, and studded all over with carbuncles; and his little grey eyes reflected the rays in such an oblique manner, that while he looked a person full in the face, one would have imagined he was admiring the buckle of his shoe.—He had long entertained an implacable resentment against Potion, who, tho' a younger practitioner, had engrossed more business than he, and once had the assurance to perform a cure, whereby he disappointed and disgraced the prognostic of the said Crab.—This quarrel, which was at one time upon the point of being made up, by the interposition and mediation of friends, had been lately inflamed beyond a possibility of reconciliation by the respective wives of the opponents, who, chancing to meet at a christening, disagreed about precedence, proceeded from invectives to blows, and were with great difficulty, by the gossips, prevented from converting the occasion of joy, into a seene of blood.
The difference between these rivals was in the height of rancour, when I was sent for by Crab, who received me as civilly as I could have expected from one of his disposition; and after desiring me to sit, enquired into the particulars of my leaving the house of Potion; which when I had related, he said with a malicious grin,—
"Here's a sneaking dog!—I always thought him a fellow without a soul, d—n me!—a canting scoundrel, who has crept into business by his hypocrisy, and kissing the a—se of every body."—
"Ay, ay, (says another) one might see with half an eye, that the rascal has no honesty in him, by his going so regulary to church."
This sentence was confirmed by the third, who assured his companions, that Potion was never known to be disguised in liquor but once, at a meeting of the godly, where he had distinguished himself by an
extempore
prayer an hour long.—After this preamble, Crab addressed himself to me in these words,
"Well, my lad, I have heard a good character of you, and I'll do for you.—You may send your things to my house when you please.—I have given orders for your reception.—Z—ds! what does the booby stare at?—If you have no mind to embrace my courteous offer, you may let it alone and be d—n'd."—
I answered with a submissive bow, that I was far from rejecting his friendly offer, of which I would immediately avail myself, as soon as he should inform me, on what footing I should be entertained.—
"What footing (d—n my blood, cried he) d'ye expect to have a footman and couple of horses kept for you?"—
No, Sir (I replied) my expectations are not quite so sanguine.—That I may be as little burthensome as possible, I would willingly serve in your shop, by which means I may save you the expence of a journey-man, or porter at least, for I understand a little pharmacy, having employed some of my leisure hours in the practice of that art, while I lived with Mr. Potion: neither am I altogether ignorant of surgery, which I have studied with great pleasure and application.—
"O ho! you did (says Crab) Gentlemen, here is a compleat artist!—Studied surgery! what? in books I suppose.—I shall have you disputing with me, one of these days, on points of my profession.—You can already account for muscular motion (I warrant) and explain the mystery of the brain and nerves—ha!—You are too learned for me, d—n me.—But let's hear no more of this stuff,—can you bleed and give a clyster, spread a plaister and prepare a potion? answer me to that."—
Upon my answering him in the affirmative, he shook his head, telling me, he believed he should have little good of me, for all my promises;—but however, he would take me in for the sake of charity.—I was accordingly that very night admitted to his house, and had an apartment assigned to me in the garret, which I was fain to put up with, notwithstanding the mortification my pride suffered in this change of circumstances. I was soon convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to receive me in this manner: for besides the gratification of his revenge, in exposing the selfishness of his antagonist, in opposition to his own generosity, which was all affectation, he had occasion for a young man who understood something of the profession, to fill up the place of his eldest apprentice, lately dead, not without violent suspicion of foul play from his master's brutality.—The knowledge of this, together with his daily behaviour to his wife, and the young apprentice, did not at all contribute to my enjoying my new situation with ease; however, as I did not perceive how I could bestow myself to better advantage, I resolved to study Crab's temper with all the application, and manage it with all the address I was master of.—And it was not long before I found out a strange peculiarity of humour, which governed his behaviour towards all his dependants.—I observed when he was pleased, he was such a niggard of his satisfaction, that if his wife or servants betrayed the least symptom of participation, he was offended to an insupportable degree of choler and fury, the effects of which they seldom failed to feel.—And when his indignation was roused, submission and soothing always exasperated it beyond the bounds of reason and humanity.—I therefore pursued a contrary plan; and one day, when he honoured me with the names of ignorant whelp and lazy ragamuffin—I boldly replied, I was neither ignorant nor lazy, since I both understood, and performed my business as well as he could do for his soul: neither was it just to call me ragamuffin, for I had a whole coat on my back, and was descended from a better family than any he could boast an alliance with. He gave tokens of great amazement at this assurance of mine, and shook his cane over my head, regarding me all the time with a countenance truly diabolical Although I was terribly startled at his menacing looks and posture, I yet had reflection enough left, to convince me, I had gone too far to retract, and that this was the critical minute which must decide my future lot, in his service; whereupon I snatched up the pestle of a mortar, and swore if he offered to strike me without cause, I would see whether his scull or my weapon was hardest.—He continued silent for some time, and at last broke forth into these ejaculations,—
"This is fine usage from a servant to a master,—very fine!—damnation!—but, no matter, you shall pay for this; you dog, you shall.—I'll do your business—yes, yes, I'll teach you to lift your hand against me."—
So saying, he retired and left me under dreadful apprehensions, which vanished intirely at our next meeting, when he behaved with unusual complacency, and treated me with a glass of punch after dinner.—By this conduct, I got the ascendency over him in a short time, and became so necessary to him, in managing his business while he was engaged at the bottle, that fortune began to wear a kinder aspect with regard to me; and I consoled myself for the disregard of my former acquaintance, with the knowledge I daily imbibed, by a close application to the duties of my employment, in which I succeeded beyond my own expectation.—I was on very good terms with my master's wife, whose esteem I acquired and cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the most ridiculous lights my satirical talents could invent, as well as by rendering her some christian offices, when she had been too familiar with the dram bottle, to which she had often times recourse for consolation, under the affliction she suffered from a barbarous husband.—In this manner I lived, without hearing the least tidings of my uncle, for the space of two years, during which time I kept little or no company, being neither in a humour to relish, nor in a capacity to maintain much acquaintance: for the Nabal my master allowed me no wages; and the small perquisites of my station scarce supplied me with the common necessaries of life.—I was no longer, a pert, unthinking coxcomb, giddy with popular applause, and elevated with the extravagance of hope; my misfortunes had taught me how little the caresses of the world during a man's prosperity, are to be valued by him; and how seriously and expeditiously he ought to set himself about making himself independent of them. My present appearance, therefore, was the least of my care, which was wholly engrossed in laying up a stock of instruction that might secure me against the caprice of fortune for the future. I became such a sloven, and contracted such an air of austerity, that every body pronounced me crest-fallen; and Gawky returned to town without running any risk from my resentment, which was by this time pretty much cooled, and restrained by prudential reasons, so effectually, that I never so much as thought of obtaining satisfaction for the injuries he had done me.—When I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business, I began to cast about for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hopes of finding some provision, that might make amends for the difficulties I had undergone: but, as this could not be effected without a small sum of money to equip me for the field, I was in the utmost perplexity how to raise it, well knowing, that Crab, for his own sake, would never put me in a condition to leave him, when his interest was so much concerned in my stay.—But a small accident, which happened about this time, determined him in my favour. This was no other than the pregnancy of his maid servant, who declared her situation to me, assuring me at the same time, that I was the occasion of it. Although I had no reason to question the truth of this imputation, I was not ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between her master and her; of which availing myself, I represented to her the folly of laying the burthen at my door; when she might dispose of it to much greater advantage with Mr. Crab: She listened to my advice, and next day acquainted him with the pretended success of their mutual endeavour.—He was far from being over-joyed at this proof of his vigour, which he foresaw might have very troublesome consequences; not that he dreaded any domestic grumblings and reproaches from his wife, whom he kept in perfect subjection; but because he knew it would furnish his rival Potion with a handle for insulting and undermining his reputation, there being no scandal equal to that of uncleanness, in the opinion of those who inhabit that part of the island where he lived.—He therefore took a resolution worthy of himself, which was, to persuade the girl, that she was not with child, but only afflicted with a disorder incident to young women, which he could easily remove: with this view (as he pretended) he prescribed for her such medicines, as he thought would infallibly procure abortion; but in this he was disappointed, for the maid being advertised by me of his design, and at the same time well satisfied with her own condition, absolutely refused to follow his directions; and threatned to publish her situation to the world, if he did not immediately take some method of providing for the important occasion, which she expected in a few months.—It was not long before I guessed the result of his deliberation, by his addressing himself to me (one day) in this manner:
"I am surprised, that a young fellow like you, discovers no inclination to push his fortune in the world.—By G—d, before I was of your age, I was broiling on the coast of Guinea.—Damme! what's to hinder you from profiting by the war, which will certainly be declared in a short time against Spain?—You may easily get on board of a king's ship in quality of a surgeon's mate, where you will certainly see a great deal of practice, and stand a good chance of getting prize money."—
I laid hold of this declaration, which I had long wished for, and assured him I would follow his advice with pleasure, if it was in my power; but that it was impossible for me, to embrace an opportunity of that kind, having no friend to advance a little money, to supply me with what necessaries I should want, and defray the expences of my journey to London.—He told me, that few necessaries were required; and as for the expence of my journey, he would lend me money, not only for that purpose, but also to maintain me comfortably in London, until I should procure a warrant for my provision aboard ship.—I gave him a thousand thanks for his obliging offer (although I was very well apprized of his motive, which was to make his chamber-maid lay the child to me after I was gone; and accordingly set out in a few weeks for London; my whole fortune consisting of one suit of cloaths, half a dozen ruffled shirts, as many plain, two pair worsted stockings, as many thread; a case of pocket instruments, a small edition of Horace, Wiseman's surgery, and ten guineas in cash; for which Crab took my bond, bearing 5
per cent.
interest; at the same time giving me a letter to the member of parliament for our town, which he said would do my business.
CHAP. VIII.
I arrive at Newcastle—meet with my old school-fellow Strap—we determine to walk in company to London—set out on our journey—put up at a solitary ale-house—are disturbed by a strange adventure in the night.
THERE is no such convenience as a waggon in this country, and my finances were too weak to support the expence of hiring a horse; I determined therefore to set out with the carriers, who transport goods from one place to another on horse-back, this I accordingly put in execution, on the first day of November 1739, sitting upon a pack-saddle between two baskets; one of which contained my goods in a knapsack. But by the time we arrived at Newcastle upon Tyne, I was so fatigued with the tediousness of the carriage, and benumbed with the coldness of the weather, that I resolved to travel the rest of my journey on soot, rather than proceed in such a disagreeable manner.
The hostler of the inn at which we put up, understanding I was bound for London, advised me to take my passage in a collier, which would be both cheap and expeditious, and withal much easier than to walk upwards of three hundred miles through deep roads, in the winter time; which he believed I had not strength enough to perform.—I was almost persuaded to take his advice, when, one day, stepping into a barber's shop to be shaved, the young man, while he lathered my face, accosted me thus:
"Sir, I presume you are a Scotchman."
To which I answered in the affirmative.—
"Pray (continued he) of what part of Scotland?"—
I no sooner told him, than he discovered great emotion, and not confining his operation to my chin and upper lip, besmeared my whole face with great agitation.—At which I was so offended, that starting up, I asked him what the d—I he meant by using me so?—He begged pardon, telling me his joy in meeting with a countryman, had occasioned some confusion in him; and craved my name.—But when I declared my name was Random he exclaimed in a rapture,
"How! Rory Random?"
The same, I replied, looking at him with astonishment;
"What, cried he, don't you know your old school-fellow, Hugh Strap?"
At that instant recollecting his face, I flew into his arms, and in the transport of my joy, gave him back one half of the suds he had so lavishly bestowed on my countenance; so that we made a very ludicrous appearance, and furnished a great deal of mirth to his master and shop-mates, who were witnesses of this scene.—When our mutual caresses were over, I sat down again to be shaved, but the poor fellow's nerves were so discomposed by this unexpected meeting, that his hand could scarcely hold the razor, with which (nevertheless) he found means to cut me in three places, in as many strokes. His master, perceiving his disorder, bid another supply his place; and after the operation was performed, gave Strap leave to pass the rest of the day with me.—We retired immediately to my lodgings, where calling for some beer, I desired to be informed of his adventures, which contained nothing more, than that his master dying before his time was out, he had come to Newcastle about a year ago, in expectation of journey-work, along with three young fellows of his acquaintance who worked in the keels; that he had the good fortune of being employed by a very civil master, with whom he intended to stay till the spring, at which time he proposed to go to London, where he did not doubt of finding encouragement.—When I communicated to him my situation and design, he did not approve of my taking a passage by sea, by reason of the danger of a winter voyage, which is very hazardous along that coast, as well as the precariousness of the wind, which might possibly detain me a great while, to the no small detriment of my fortune: whereas, if I would venture by land, he would bear me company, carry my baggage as well as his own, all the way; and if we should find ourselves fatigued, it would be no hard matter for us to find on the road, either return-horses or waggons, of which we might take the opportunity for a very trifling expence.—I was so ravished at this proposal, that I embraced him affectionately, and assured him he might command my purse to the last farthing; but he gave me to understand, he had saved money sufficient to answer his own occasions; and that he had a friend in London, who would soon introduce him into business, in that capital; and might possibly have it in his power to serve me like wise.
Having concerted our plan and settled our affairs that night, we departed next morning by daybreak, armed with a good cudgel each, my companion being charged with the furniture of us both, crammed into one knapsack, which he carried after the manner of soldiers on a march; and our money sewed between the lining and wastband of our breeches, except some loose silver for our immediate expence on the road.—We travelled all day at a round pace, but being ignorant of the proper stages, we were benighted at a good distance from any inn, which compelled us to take up our lodging at a small hedge ale-house, that stood by itself on a by-road, about half a mile from the high-way: There we found a pedlar of our own country, in whose company we regaled ourselves with bacon and eggs and a glass of good ale, before a comfortable fire, conversing all the while very sociably with the landlord and his daughter, an hale buxome lass, who entertained us with great good humour, and in whose affection I was vain enough to believe I had made some progress.—About eight a clock, we were all three, at our own desire, shewn into an apartment, where were two beds, in one of which Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, and the pediar occupied the other, though not before he had prayed a considerable time
extempore;
searched into every corner of the room, and fastened the door on the inside with a strong iron screw, which he carried about with him for that use.—I slept very sound till midnight, when I was disturbed by a violent motion of the bed, which shook under me with a continual tremor.—Alarmed at this phoenomenon, I jogged my companion, whom to my no small amazement, I found drenched in sweat, and quaking through every limb; he told me with a low faultering voice, that we were undone; for there was a bloody highwayman loaded with pistols, in the next room; then, bidding me make as little noise as possible, he directed me to a small chink in the board partition, through which I could see a thick set brawny sellow, with a fierce countenance, sitting at a table in company with our young landlady, having a bottle of ale and a brace of pistols before them.—I listened with great attention, and heard him say in a terrible tone:
"D—n that son of a b—h, Smack the coachman!—he has served me a fine trick, indeed!—but d—tion seize me, if I don't make him repent it!—I'll teach the scoundrel to give intelligence to others, while he is under articles with me."—
Our landlady endeavoured to appease this exasperated robber, by saying, that he might possibly be mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence with the other gentleman that robbed his coach,—and that if an accident had disappointed him to day, he might soon find opportunities enough to atone for his lost trouble.—
"I'll tell thee what, my dear Bett (replied he) I never had, nor never will, while my name is Rifle, have such a glorious booty as I missed to-day.—Z—ds! there was 400
l.
in cash to recruit men for the king's service, besides the jewels, watches, swords, and money belonging to the passengers;—had it been my fortune to have got clear off with so much treasure, I would have purchased a commission in the army, and made you an officer's lady, you jade, I would."—
"Well, well (cries Betty) we must trust to providence for that;—but did you find nothing worth taking, which escaped the other adventurer?"—
"Not much, saith (said the lover;) I gleaned a few things,—such as a pair of pops, silvermounted (here they are) I took them loaded out of the pockets of the captain who had the charge of the money, together with a gold watch, which he had concealed in his breeches.—I likewise found ten Portugal pieces in the shoes of a quaker, whom the spirit moved to revile me with great bitterness and devotion; but what I value myself mostly for, is this here purchase, a gold snuff-box, my girl, with a young gentleman's picture on the inside of the lid: which I untied out of the tail of a pretty lady's smock."—
Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar snored so loud, that the highwayman snatching his pistols, started up, crying,
"Hell and d—n—n! I am betrayed,—who's that in the next room?"
Mrs. Betty told him, he need not be uneasy, there were only three poor wearied travellers, who, mistaking the road, had taken up their lodging there, and were asleep long ago.—
"Travellers! says he, spies, you b—ch! but no matter—by G—d, I'll send them all to hell in an instant."—
He accordingly run towards our door; when his sweetheart interposing, assured him, there was only a couple of poor young Scotchmen, who were too raw and ignorant to give him the least cause of suspicion; and the third was a Presbyterian pedlar of the same nation, who had often lodged in the house before.—This declaration satisfied the thief, who swore he was glad there was a pedlar there, for he wanted some linen.—Then in a jovial manner, he put about the glass, mingling his discourse to Betty, with caresses and familiarities, that spoke him very happy in his amours. During that part of the conversation which regarded us, Strap had crept under the bed, where he lay without sense or motion, so that it was with great difficulty I persuaded him our danger was over, and prevailed on him to wake the pedlar, and inform him of what we had seen and heard—This itinerant merchant no sooner felt somebody shaking him by the shoulder, than he started up, calling as loud as he could,—
"Thieves, thieves!—L—d have mercy on us."
Rifle, alarmed at this exclamation, jumped up, cocked one of his pistols, and turned towards the door to kill the first man who should enter; for he verily believed himself beset; when his Dulcinea, after an immoderate fit of laughter, persuaded him, that the poor pedlar dreaming of thieves, had only cried out in his sleep.—Meanwhile my comrade had undeceived our fellowlodger, and informed him of his reason for disturbing him; upon which, getting up softly he peeped through the hole, and was so terrified with what he saw, that, falling down on his bare knees, he put up a long petition to heaven, to deliver him from the hands of that ruffian, and promised never to defraud a customer for the future of the value of a half-penny, provided he might be rescued from his present distress—Whether or not this disburthening his conscience afforded him any ease, I know not; but he slipt into bed again and lay very quiet until the robber and his mistress were asleep, which he understood by their snoring in concert; then, rising softly, he untied a rope that was round his pack, and making it fast to one end of it, opened the window with as little noise as possible, and lowered his goods into the yard with great dexterity; which having done, he moved gently to our bedside, and bid us farewel, telling us, that as we run no risk, we might take our rest with great confidence, and in the morning assure the landlord that we knew nothing of his escape: then shaking us by the hands, and wishing us all manner of success, he let himself drop from the window without any danger to the ground, which was not above one yard from his feet as he hung on the outside. Although I did not think proper to accompany him in his flight, I was not at all free from apprehension, when I reflected on what might be the effects of the highwayman's disappointment, who certainly intended to make free with the pedlar's ware. Neither was my companion at more ease in his mind, but on the contrary so possessed with the dreadful idea of Rifle, that he solicited me strongly to follow our countryman's example, and so elude the fatal resentment of that terrible adventurer, who would certainly wreak his vengeance on us, as accomplices of the pedlar's elopement.—But I represented to him, the danger of giving Rifle cause to think we knew his profession, by putting him in mind, that if ever he should meet us again on the road (which far from being impossible) he would look upon us as dangerous acquaintance, and find it his interest to put us out of the way.—I told him withal, the confidence I had in Betty's good-nature; in which he acquiesced, and during the remaining part of the night, we concerted a proper method of behaviour, to render us unsuspected in the morning.
It was no sooner day, than Betty, entering our chamber, and perceiving the window open, cried out,
"Ods bobs! Sure you Scotchmen must have hot constitutions, to lie all night with the window open in such cold weather!"—
I feigned to start out of sleep, and withdrawing the curtain, called,
"What's the matter?"
When she shewed me, I affected surprize, and said,
"Bless me! the window was shut when we went to bed."—
"I'll be hanged, said she, if Sawny Waddle the pedlar has not got up in a dream and done it, for I heard him very obstropulous in his sleep.—Sure I put a chamber-pot under his bed."—
With these words she advanced to the bed in which he lay, and finding the sheets cold, she exclaimed,
"Good lack a daisy! the rogue is fled!"—
"Fled (cried I, with a feigned amazement) G—d forbid!—Sure he has not robbed us."—
Then springing up, I laid hold of my breeches, and emptied all my loose money into my hand; which having reckoned, I said, Heaven be praised our money is all safe.—Strap, look to the knapsack.—He did so, and found all was right.—Upon which, we asked with seeming concern, if he had stole nothing belonging to the house.—
"No, no, replied she, he has stole nothing but his reckoning;"
which, it seems, this pious pedlar had forgot to discharge in the midst of his devotion.—Betty, after a moment's pause withdrew, and immediately we could hear her waken Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle's flight, than he jumped out of bed and dressed, venting a thousand execrations, and vowing to murder the pedlar if ever he could set eyes on him again;
"For, said he, the scoundrel has by this time raised the hue and cry against me."—
Having dressed himself in a hurry, he mounted his horse, and for that time rid us of his company and a thousand fears that were the consequence of it.—While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured by all the cunning she was mistress of, to learn whether or no we suspected our fellow-lodger, whom we saw take horse; but as we were on our guard, we answered her sly questions with a simplicity she could not distrust; when all of a sudden, we heard the trampling of a horse's feet at the door. This noise alarmed Strap so much, whose imagination was wholly engrossed by the image of Rifle, that with a countenance as pale as milk, he cried out,
"O Lord! there's the highwayman returned!"—
Our landlady startled at these words, said,
"What highwayman, young man?—Do you think any highwaymen harbour here?"—
Though I was very much disconcerted at this piece of indiscretion in Strap, I had presence of mind enough to tell her, we had met a horse-man the day before, whom Strap had foolishly supposed to be a highwayman, because he rode with pistols; and that he was terrified at the sound of a horse's feet ever since.—She forced a smile at the ignorance and timorousness of my comrade; but I could perceive, (not without great concern) that this account was not at all satisfactory to her.
CHAP. IX.
We proceed on our journey—are overtaken by an highwayman who fires at Strap, is prevented from shooting me by a company of horsemen, who ride in pursuit of him—Strap is put to bed at an inn.—Adventures at that inn.
AFTER having paid our score, and taken leave of our hostess, who embraced me tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our journey, blessing our selves that we had come off so well. We had not walked above five miles, when we observed a man on horse-back galloping after us, whom we in a short time recognized to be no other than this formidable hero who had already given us so much vexation.—He stopped hard by me, and asked if I knew who he was?—My astonishment had disconcerted me so much, that I did not hear his question, which he repeated with a volley of oaths and threats; but I remained as mute as before.—Strap seeing my discomposure, fell upon his knees in the mud, uttering with a lamentable voice, these words:
"For Ch—st's sake, have mercy upon us, Mr. Rifle, we know you very well."—
"O ho! cried the thief, you do!—but by G—d, you never shall be evidence against me in this world, you dog!"—
So saying, he drew a pistol, and fired it at the unfortunate shaver, who fell flat upon the ground without speaking one word.—My comrade's fate, and my own situation, rivetted me to the place where I stood, deprived of all sense and reflection; so that I did not make the least attempt either to run away, or deprecate the wrath of this barbarian, who snapped a second pistol at me; but before he had time to prime again, perceived a company of horse-men coming up; whereupon he rode off, and left me standing motionless as a statue, in which posture I was sound by those whose appearance had saved my life.—This company, which consisted of three men in livery, well armed, was headed by an officer, who (as I afterwards learned) was the person from whom Rifle had taken the pocket pistols the day before; and who, making known his misfortune to a nobleman he met on the road, assuring him, his non-resistance was altogether owing to his consideration for the ladies in the coach, procured the assistance of his Lordship's servants to go in quest of the plunderer.—This holiday captain scampered up to me with great address, and asked who fired the pistol which he had heard.—As I had not yet recovered my reason, he, before I could answer, observed a body lying on the ground: at which sight, his colour vanished, and he pronounced with a faultering tongue,
"Gentlemen, here's murder committed I Let us alight."—
"No, no, said one of his followers, let us rather pursue the murderer.—Which way went he, young man?"—
By this time, I had recollected myself so far as to tell them he could not be a quarter of a mile before them; and beg one of them to assist me in conveying the corps of my friend to the next house, in order to its being interred.—The captain foreseeing that in case he pursued, he must soon come to action, began to curb his horse, and give him the spur at the same time, which made the creature rear up and snort in such a manner, that he called out, his horse was frightened and would not proceed; at the same time wheeling him round and round, stroaking his neck, whistling and wheedling him with
"Sirrah, sirrah—gently, gently, &c."—
"Z—ds! (cries one of the servants) sure my Lord's Sorrel is not resty!"—
With these words, he bestowed a lash on his buttocks, and Sorrel disdaining the rein, sprung forward with the captain at a pace that would have soon brought him up with the robber, had not the girth (happily for him) given way, by which means he landed in the dirt; and two of his attendants continued their pursuit, without minding his situation in the least.—Mean while one of the three who remained at my desire, turning the Body of Strap to one side, in order to see the wound which had killed him, found him still warm and breathing; whereupon I immediately let him blood, and saw him, with inexpressible joy, recover; having received no other wound than what his sear inflicted.—Having got him upon his legs, we walked together to an inn, about half a mile from the place, where Strap being not quite recovered, went to bed; and in a little time after, the third servant returned with the captain's horse and furniture, leaving himself to crawl after as well as he could. This Gentleman of the sword upon his arrival, complained grievously of the bruise occasioned by his fall; and on the recommendation of the servant, who warranted my ability, I was employed to bleed him, for which he rewarded me with half a crown.
The time between this and dinner, I passed in observing a game at cards, between two farmers, an exciseman, and a young fellow in a rusty gown and cassock, who, as I afterwards understood, was curate of a neighbouring parish.—It was easy to perceive that the match was not equal; the two farmers being partners, having to do with a couple of sharpers, who stript them of all their cash in a very short time.—But what surprised me very much, was to hear this clergyman reply to one of the countrymen who seemed to suspect foul play, in these words:
"D—n me, friend, d'ye question my honour?"—
I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being an animal frequent in my own country; but I was scandalized at the indecency of his behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he swore, and the baudy songs which he sung.—At last, to make amends, in some sort, for the damage he had done the unwary boo
s, he pulled out a fiddle from the lining of his gown, and promising to treat them with a dinner, began to play most melodiously, singing all the while in concert.—This good humour of the parson inspired the company with so much glee, that the farmers soon forgot their losses, and all hands went to dancing in the yard. While we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician spying a horseman riding towards the inn, stopt all of a sudden, crying out,
"Gad so! gentlemen, I beg your pardon, there's our dog of a doctor coming into the inn."—
And immediately concealed his instrument, and ran towards the gate, where he took hold of the vicar's bridle, and helped him off, enquiring very cordially into the state of his health.—This rosy son of the church (who might be about the age of fifty) having alighted, and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked with great solemnity into the kitchen, where, sitting down by the fire, he called for a bottle of ale and a pipe; scarce deigning an answer to the submissive questions of some present who knew him, about the welfare of his family.—While he indulged himself in this state, amidst a profound silence, the curate approaching him with great reverence, asked if he would not be pleased to honour us with his company at dinner? To which he answered in the negative, saying, he had been to visit 'squire Bumpkin, who had drank himself into a high fever at the last assizes; and that he had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he should dine at home.—Accordingly, when he had made an end of his bottle and pipe, he got up and moved towards the door with the fame dignity as when he entered; where his journeyman stood ready with his nag.—He had no sooner mounted, than this facetious person, coming into the kitchen, began in this manner:
"There the old rascal goes, and the D—l go with him.—You see how the world wags, gentlemen.—By G—d, this rogue of a vicar does not deserve to live;—and yet he has two livings worth 400
l. per annum,
while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and ride twenty miles every Sunday to preach, for what? why truly, for 20
l.
a year.—I scorn to boast of my own qualifications, but—comparisons, you know, are odious.—I should be glad to know how this swag-bellied doctor deserves to be more at ease than me.—He can loll in his elbow chair at home, indulge himself in the best of victuals and wine, and enjoy the conversation of Betty his house-keeper.—You understand me, gentlemen.—Betty is the doctor's poor kinswoman, and a pretty girl she is;—but no matter for that;—ay, and a dutiful girl to her parents, whom she goes to see regularly every year, though I must own I could never learn in what county they live.—My service t'ye gentlemen."—
By this time dinner being ready, I waked my companion, and we eat all together with great chearfulness and satisfaction. When our meal was ended, and every man's share of the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out on pretence of some necessary occasion, and mounting his horse, left the two farmers to satisfy the host in the best manner they could.—We were no sooner informed of this piece of finesse, then the exciseman who had been silent hitherto, began with a malicious grin,
"Ay, ay, this is an old trick of Shufle,—I could not help smiling, when he talked of treating.—You must know, this is a very curious fellow.—He picked up some scraps of learning while he served young lord Trifle at the university.—But what he most excells in, is pimping.—No man knows his talents better than I, for I was
valet de chambre
to 'squire Tattle, an intimate companion of Shuffle's lord.—He got himself into a scrape, by pawning some of his lordship's cloaths, on which account he was turned away; but as he was acquainted with some particular circumstances of my lord's conduct, he did not care to exasperate him too much, and so made interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him to the curacy which he now enjoys.—However, the fellow cannot be too much admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable livelihood, in spite of such a small allowance.—You hear he plays a good stick, and is really diverting company—this makes him agreeable wherever he goes;—and as for playing at cards, there is not a man within three counties a match for him;—the truth is, he is a damnable cheat, and can shift a card with such address, that it is impossible to discover him."—
At this he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked him, why he had not justice enough to acquaint them with these particulars before they engaged in play?—The exciseman replied without any hesitation, that it was none of his business to intermeddle between man and man; besides, he did not know they were ignorant of Shuffle's character, which was notorious to the whole country.—This did not satisfy the other, who taxed him with abetting and assisting the curate's knavery, and insisted on having his share of the winning returned; which the exciseman as positively refused, affirming, that whatever slights Shuffle might practise on other occasions, he was very certain, that he had play'd on the square with them, and would answer it before any bench in christendom; so saying, he got up, and having paid his reckoning, sneaked off. The landlord thrusting his neck into the passage, to see if he was gone, shook his head, saying,
"Ah! Lord help us! if every sinner was to have his deserts.—Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the excisemen.—But, I know what,—if parson Shuffle and he were weighed together, a straw thrown into either scale would make the ballance kick the beam.—But, masters, this is under the rose, continued Boniface with a whisper."
CHAP. X.
The highwayman is taken—we are detained as evidences against him—proceed to the next village—he escapes—we arrive at another inn, where we go to bed—in the night we are awaked by a dreadful adventure—next night we lodge at the house of a school-master—our treatment there.
STRAP and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived a croud on the road, coming towards us, shouting and hollowing all the way. As it approached, we could discern a man on horse-back in the middle, with his hands tied behind him, whom we soon knew to be Rifle.—This highwayman not being so well mounted as the two servants who went in pursuit of him, was soon overtaken, and after having discharged his pistols, made prisoner without any further opposition. They were carrying him in triumph, amidst the acclamations of the country people, to a justice of peace in a neighbouring village, but stopt at our inn to join their companion and take refreshment. When Rifle was dismounted, and placed in the yard, within a circle of peasants armed with pitch-forks, I was amazed to see what a pitiful dejected fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours ago, filled me with so much terror and confusion.—My companion was so much encouraged by this alteration in his appearance, that going up to the thief, he presented his clenched fists to his nose, and declared, that he would either cudgel or box with the prisoner for a guinea, which he immediately produced; and began to strip—but was dissuaded from this adventure by me, who represented to him the folly of the undertaking, as Rifle was now in the hands of justice, which would, no doubt, give us all satisfaction enough.—But what made me repent of our impertinent curiosity, was our being detained by the captors, as evidence against him, when we were just going to set forward. However, there was no remedy; we were obliged to comply, and accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which luckily took the same road that we proposed.—About the twilight we arrived at the place of our destination, but as the justice was gone to visit a gentleman in the country, with whom he would probably stay all night, the robber was confined in an empty garret three stories high, from which it seemed impossible for him to escape: this, nevertheless, was the case; for next morning, when they went up stairs, to bring him before the justice, the bird was flown, having got out at the window upon the leads, from whence he continued his rout along the tops of the adjoining houses, and got into another garret window, where he sculked, until the family were asleep, at which time he ventured down stairs, and let himself out by the street door, which was found open. This event was a great disappointment to those that apprehended him, who were flushed with hopes of the reward; but gave me great joy, as I was permitted now to continue my journey without any further molestation.—Resolving to make up for the small progress we had hitherto made, we this day travelled with great vigour, and before night got to a market-town twenty miles from the place from whence we set out in the morning, without meeting any adventure worth notice.—Here having taken up our lodging at an inn, I found myself so fatigued, that I began to despair of performing our journey on foot, and desired Strap to enquire if there was any waggon, return-horses, or other cheap carriage in this place, to depart for London to-morrow or next day.—He was informed, that the waggon from Newcastle for London had halted here two nights ago, and that it would be an easy matter to overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest the day after the next.—This piece of news gave us some satisfaction, and after making a hearty supper on hashed mutton, we were shewn to our room, which contained two beds, the one allotted for us, and the other for a very honest gentleman, who, we were told, was then drinking below. Though we could have very well dispensed with his company, we were glad to submit to this disposition, as there was not another bed empty in the house; and accordingly went to rest, after having secured our baggage under the bolster. About two or three a-clock in the morning, I was waked out of a very profound sleep, by a dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not fail to throw me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these words pronounced with a terrible voice.—
"Blood and wounds! run the halbert into the guts of him that's next you, and I'll blow the other's brains out presently."—
This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap, than starting out of bed, he run against some body in the dark, and overturned him in an instant, at the same time bawling out,
"Fire! murder! fire!
which in a moment alarmed the whole house, and filled our chamber with a croud of naked people.—When lights were brought, the occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared; which was no other than our fellow lodger, whom we found lying on the floor scratching his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment, at the concourse of apparitions that surrounded him.—This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting serjeant, who having listed two country fellows over-night, dreamed they had mutinied, and threatened to murder him and the drummer who was along him.—This made such an impression on his imagination, that he got up in his sleep, and expressed himself as above.—When our apprehension of danger vanished, the company beheld one another with great surprize and mirth; but what attracted the notice of every one, was our landlady with nothing on her but her shift and a large pair of buckskin breeches with the backside before, which she had slipt on in the hurry, and her husband with her petticoat about his shoulders: one had wrapt himself in a blanket, another was covered with a sheet, and the drummer who had given his only shirt to be washed, appeared in
querpo
with the bolster rolled about his middle.—When this affair was discussed, every body retired to his own apartment, the serjeant slipt into bed, and my companion and I slept without any further disturbance till the morning, when we got up, went to breakfast, paid our reckoning, and set forward in expectation of overtaking the waggon; in which, however, we were disappointed that day. As we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found myself quite spent with fatigue, when we entered a small village in the twilight. We enquired for a publick house, and were directed to one of a very sorry appearance. At our entrance the landlord, who seemed to be a venerable old man, with long grey hair, rose from a table placed by a large fire in a very neat paved kitchin, and with a chearful countenance accosted us in these words:
"
Salvete Pueri—ingredimini.
"—
I was not a little pleased to hear our host speak Latin, because I was in hopes of recommending myself to him by my knowledge in that language; I therefore answered without hesitation,—
Dissolve frigus, ligna super foco.—large reponens.
—I had no sooner pronounced these words, than the old gentleman runing towards me, shook me by the hand, crying,
"—
Fili mi dilectissime! unde venis!—a superis, ni fallor?
"—
in short, finding we were both read in the classicks, he did not know how to testify his regard, but ordered his daughter, a jolly rosycheeked damsel, who was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of his
quadrimum.
—repeating from Horace at the same time,
"
Deprome quadrimum sabinâ, O thaliarche, merum diotâ.
"
This
quadrimum
was excellent ale of his own brewing, of which he told us he had always an
amphora
four years old, for the use of himself and friends.—In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with scraps of Latin, we understood that this facetious person was a school-master, whose income being small, he was fain to keep a glass of good liquor for the entertainment of passengers, by which he made shift to make the two ends of the year meet.—
"I am this day, said he, the happiest old fellow in his majesty's dominions.—My wife, rest her soul, is in heaven. My daughter is to be married next week;—but the two chief pleasures of my life are these (pointing to the bottle and a large edition of Horace that lay one the table.) I am old, 'tis true,—what then? the more reason I should enjoy the small share of life that remains, as my friend Flaccus advises:—
Tu ne quaesieris scire (nefas.) Quem, mihi quem tibi finem dii dederint—Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero.
"—
As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no scruple of acquainting him with our situation, which when he had learned, he enriched us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us that he was no stranger to the deceits of mankind.—In the mean time he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire for supper, for he was resolved this night to regale his friends—
permittens divis caetera.
—While our entertainment was preparing, our host recounted the adventures of his own life, which, as they contain nothing remarkable, I forbear to rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously and drank several bottles of his
quadrimum,
I expressed a desire of going to rest, which was with some difficulty complied with, after he had informed us that we should overtake the waggon by noon next day; and that there was room enough in it for half a dozen, there being only four passengers as yet in that convenience.—Before my comrade and I fell asleep we had some conversation about the good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of his benevolence, that he was positive we should pay nothing for our lodging and entertainment.—
"Don't you observe, said he, that he has conceived a particular affection for us,—nay, even treated us at supper with extraordinary fare, which, to be sure, we should not of ourselves, have called for?"—
I was partly of Strap's opinion; but the experience I had of the world made me suspend my belief till to-morrow morning, when, getting up betimes, we breakfasted with our host and his daughter, on hasty-pudding and ale, and desired to know what we had to pay.—
"Biddy will let you know, gentlemen, said he, for I never mind these matters.—Money-matters are beneath the concern of one who lives on the Horatian plan.—
Crescentem sequitur cura pecuniam.
"
Mean while Biddy having consulted a slate that hung in a corner, told us, our reckoning came to 8
s.
7
d.
—
"Eight shillings and seven pence! cried Strap, 'tis impossible—you must be mistaken, young woman."—
"Reckon again, child, (says her father, very deliberately) perhaps you have miscounted."—
"No indeed, father, (she replied) I know my business better."—
I could contain my indignation no longer, but said it was a very unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the particulars; upon which the old man got up, muttering
"Ay, ay, let us see the particulars,—that's but reasonable."—
And taking pen, ink, and paper, wrote the following
Items:
 
s.
d.
To bread and beer
0
6
To a fowl and sausages
2
6
To four bottles
quadrim.
2
0
To fire and tobacco
0
7
To lodging
2
0
To breakfast
1
0
 
8
7
As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised a sort of veneration in me by his demeanor the preceding night, it was not in my power to unbraid him as he deserved; therefore I contented myself with saying, I was sure he did not learn to be an extortioner from Horace. He answered,
"I was a but young man and did not know the world, or I would not tax him with extortion, whose only aim was to live
contentus parvo,
and keep off
importuna pauperies.
"—
My fellow-traveller could not so easily put up with this imposition; but swore he should either take one third of the money, or go without.—While we were engaged in this dispute, I perceived the daughter go out, and conjecturing the occasion, immediately paid the exorbitant demand, which was no sooner done, than Biddy returned with two stout fellows, who came in on pretence of taking their morning draught; but in reality to frighten us into compliance.—Just as we departed, Strap, who was half distracted on account of this piece of expence, went up to the school-master, and grinning in his face, pronounced with great emphasis;
"Semper avarus eget."—
To which the pedant replied, with a malicious smile;—
"
Animum rege, qui, nisi paret, imperat.
"
CHAP. XI.
We descry the waggon—get into it—arrive at an inn—our fellow travellers described—a mistake is committed by Strap, which produces strange things.
WE travelled half a mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts being engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be daily exposed; and the contemplation of my finances, which began sensibly to diminish.—At length Strap, who could hold no longer, addressed me thus:—
"Well, fools and their money are soon parted.—If my advice had been taken, that old skin-flint should have been damn'd before he had got more than the third of his demand.—'Tis a sure sign you came easily by your money, when you squander it away in this manner.—Ah! God help you, how many brisly beards must I have mowed before I earned 4 shillings and three pence halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs?—How many days have I sat weaving hair, till my toes were numbed by the cold, my fingers cramp'd, and my nose as blue as the sign of the periwig that hung over the door?—What the devil was you afraid of? I would have engaged to box with any one of those fellows who came in, for a guinea.—I'm sure I have beat stouter men than either of them."—
And indeed, my companion would have fought any body, when his life was in no danger; but he had a mortal aversion to fire arms and all instruments of death. In order to appease him, I assured him, no part of this extraordinary expence should fall upon his shoulders; at which he was affronted, and told me, he would have me to know, that although he was a poor barber's boy, he had a soul to spend his money with the best 'squire of the land.—Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a refreshment, we descried towards the evening, to our inexpressible joy, the waggon about a quarter of a mile before us; and by that time we came up with it, were both of us so weary, that I verily believe it would have been impracticable for us to have walked one mile further.—We therefore bargained with the driver, whose name was Joey, to give us a cast to the next stage for a shilling; at which place we would meet the master of the waggon, with whom we might agree for the rest of the journey.
Accordingly the convenience stopt, and Joey having placed the ladder, Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but just as he was getting in, a tremendous voice assailed his ears in these words:
"God's fury! there shall no passengers come here."—
The poor shaver was so disconcerted at this exclamation, which both he and I imagined proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he descended with great velocity, and a countenance as white as paper.—Joey perceiving our astonishment, called with an arch sneer,
"Waunds, captain! whay woan't yau sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake a penny?—Coom, coom, young man, get oop, get oop,—never moind the coptain,—I'se not afear'd of the coptain."—
This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be prevailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though not without a quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering like distant thunder:
"By G—d I won't be used so, d—n—n seize me if I am!"—
However I crept in, and by accident got an empty place in the straw, which I immediately took possession of, without being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark. Strap following with the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the other side, and by a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly upon the stomach of the captain, who bellowed out in a most dreadful manner:
"Blood and thunder! where's my sword?"—
At these words, my frighted comrade started up, and at one spring, bounced against me with such force, that I thought the supposed son of Anak intended to smother me.—In the mean time a female voice cried out,
"Bless me! what is the matter, my dear?"
"The matter, replied the captain, damn my blood! my guts are almost squeezed out by that Scotchman's hump."
Strap trembling all the while at my back, asked him pardon, and laid the blame of what had happened upon the jolting of the waggon.—The woman who spoke before, went on:
"Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own fault—we may thank ourselves for all the inconveniencies we meet with.—I thank God, I never travelled so before,—I'm sure if my lady or Sir John was to know where we are, they would not sleep this night for vexation.—I wish to God we had writ for the chariot,—I know we shall never be forgiven."
"Come, come, my dear (replied the captain) it don't signify fretting now,—we shall laugh it over as a frolick.—I hope you will not suffer in your health.—I shall make my lord very merry with our adventures in the
Diligence.
"—
This discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his lady, that I durst not venture to join in the conversation; but immediately after, another female voice begins:
"Some people give themselves a great many needless airs—better folks than any here have travelled in waggons before now.—Some of us have rode in coaches and chariots with three footmen behind them, without making so much fuss about it.—What then? we are now all upon a footing, therefore let us be sociable and merry.—What do you say, Isaac? Is'n't this a good motion, you doting rogue?—Speak, you old
cent. per cent.
fornicator.—What desperate debt are you thinking of? What mortgage are you planning? Well, Isaac, positively you shall never gain my favour till you turn over a new leaf; grow honest, and live like a gentleman.—In the mean time, give me a kiss, you old fumbler."—
These words, accompanied with a hearty smack, enlivened the person to whom they were addressed, to such a degree, that he cried in transport, tho' with a quavering voice,
"Ah! you wanton baggage—upon my credit, you are a waggish girl, he, he, he."—
This laugh introduced a fit of coughing, which almost suffocated the poor usurer (such, we afterwards found, was the profession of this our fellow-traveller.)—About this time, I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till such time as we arrived at the inn where we put up.—Here, having got out of the waggon first, I had an opportunity of viewing the passengers in order as they entered.—The first who appeared was a brisk airy girl, about twenty years old, with a silver-laced hat on her head, instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding suit trimmed with silver, very much tarnished, and a whip in her hand.—After her, came limping, an old man with a worsted night-cap, buttoned under his chin, and a broad brimmed hat slouched over it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck, under which appeared a brown surtout, that covered a threadbare coat and waste-coat, and, as we afterwards discerned, a dirty flannel jacket.—His eyes were hollow, bleared and gummy; his face was shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles, his gums were destitute of teeth, his nose sharp and drooping, his chin peeked and prominent, so that when he mumped or spoke, they approached one another like a pair of nut-crackers; he supported himself on an ivory-headed cane, and his whole figure was a just emblem of winter, famine and avarice.—But how was I surprized, when I beheld the formidable captain leading in his wife; in the shape of a little, thin creature, about the age of forty, with a long, withered visage, very much resembling that of a baboon, through the upper part of which, two little grey eyes peeped: He wore his own hair in a queue that reached to his rump, which immoderate length, I suppose, was the occasion of a baldness that appeared on the crown of his head, when he deigned to take off his hat, which was very much of the size and cock of Pistol's.—Having laid aside his great coat, I could not help admiring the extraordinary make of this man of war: He was about five foot and three inches high, sixteen inches of which went to his face and long scraggy neck; his thighs were about six inches in length, his legs resembling spindles or drum-sticks, two feet and an half, and his body, which put me in mind of extension without substance, engrossed the remainder;—so that on the whole, he appeared like a spider or grashopper erect,—and was almost a
vox & preterca nihil.
—His dress consisted in a frock of what is called bear-skin, the skirts of which were about half a foot long, an Hussar waistcoat, scarlet breeches reaching half way down his thigh, worsted stockings rolled up almost to his groin, and shoes with wooden heels at least two inches high; he carried a sword very near as long as himself in one hand, and in the other conducted his lady, who seemed to be a woman of his own age, and still retained some remains of an agreeable person; but so ridiculously affected, that had I then known as much of the world as I do now, I might have easily perceived in her, the deplorable vanity and second-hand airs of a lady's woman.—We were all assembled in the kitchen, when captain Weazel (for that was his name) desired a room with a fire for himself and spouse; and told the landlord, they would sup by themselves.—The inn-keeper replied, that he could not afford them a room by themselves; and as for supping, he had prepared victuals for the passengers in the waggon without respect of persons, but if he could prevail on the rest to let him have his choice in a separate manner, with all his heart: This was no sooner said, than all of us declared against the proposal, and miss Jenny (our other female passenger) observed, that if captain Weazel and his lady had a mind to sup by themselves, they might wait until we should have done.—At this, the captain put on a martial frown and looked very big, without speaking; while his yoke-fellow, with a disdainful toss of her nose, muttered something about
"Creature;"—
which miss Jenny over-hearing, stept up to her, saying,
"None of your names, good Mrs. Abigail;—creature quotha,—I'll assure you,—No such creature as you neither—no ten pound sneaker—no quality coupler."—
Here the captain interposed with a
"Damme, madam, what d'ye mean by that?"—
"Damn you, sir, who are you? (replied miss Jenny) who made you a captain, you pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping curler?—'Sdeath! the army is come to a fine pass, when such fellows as you get commissions.—What, I suppose you think I don't know you?—By G—d, you and your helpmate are well met,—a cast-off mistress, and a bald
valet de chambre
are well yoked together. Blood and wounds! (cried Weazel) d'ye question the honour of my wife, madam?—Hell and damnation! No man in England durst say so much,—I would flea him, carbonado him! Fury and destruction! I would have his liver for my supper."—
So saying, he drew his sword, and flourished with it, to the great terror of Strap: while miss Jenny snapping her fingers, told him, she did not value his resentment a f—t.—In the midst of this quarrel, the master of the waggon alighted, who understanding the cause of it, and fearing the captain and his lady would take so much umbrage, as to leave his carriage, was at great pains to have every thing made up, which he at last accomplished, and we sat down to supper all together. At bedtime we were shewn to our apartments. The old usurer, Strap and I, were conducted to one room; the captain, his wife, and miss Jenny to another.—About midnight, my companion's bowels being disordered, he got up, in order to go backward; in his return, mistaking one door for another, he entered Weazel's chamber, and without any hesitation went to bed to his wife, who was fast asleep; the captain being at another end of the room, groping for some empty vessel, his own chamber-pot being leaky: As he did not perceive Strap coming in, he went toward his own bed, after having sound a convenience; but no sooner did he feel a rough head with a cotton night-cap on it, than it came into his mind, that he was got to miss Jenny's bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt, was that of some gallant, with whom she had made an assignation.—Full of this conjecture, and scandalized at the prostitution of his apartment, he snatched up the vessel he had just before filled, and emptied it at once on the astonished barber and his own wife, who waking at that instant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which not only alarmed the husband beyond measure, but frightened poor Strap almost out of his senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched; especially when the incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley of oaths, asking him how he durst have the presumption to attempt the chastity of his wife.—Poor Strap was so amazed and confounded, that he could say nothing, but,—
"I take God to witness she's a virgin for me."—
Mrs. Weazel enraged to find herself in such a pickle, through the precipitation of her husband, got up in her shift, and with the heel of her shoe, which she found at the bed-side, belaboured the captain's bald pate, till he cried
"Murder."—
"I'll teach you to empty your stink-pots on me, (cried she) you pitiful, hop o' my thumb coxcomb.—What? I warrant you're jealous, you man of lath.—Was it for this I condescended to take you to my bed, you poor, withered, sapless twig?"—
The noise occasioned by this adventure, had brought the master of the waggon and me to the door, where we overheard all that passed, with great satisfaction. In the mean time we were alarmed with the cry of
"Rape! Murder! Rape!"
which miss Jenny pronounced with great vociferation.—
"O! you vile, abominable old villain, (said she) would you rob me of my virtue?—But I'll be revenged of you, you old goat! I will!—help! for heaven's sake! help!—I shall be ravished! ruined! help!"—
Some servants of the inn hearing this cry, came running up stairs with lights, and such weapons as chance afforded; when we beheld a very diverting scene.—In one corner stood the poor captain shivering in his shirt, which was all torn to rags; with a woful visage, scratched all over by his wise, who had by this time wrapt the covering about her, and sat crying on the side of her bed—In the other end, lay the old usurer sprawling on miss Jenny's bed, with nothing on him but his flannel jacket over his shirt, and his tawny meagre limbs exposed to the air; while she held him fast by the two ears, and loaded him with execrations.—When we asked what was the matter, she affected to weep, and told us, she was afraid that wicked rogue had ruined her in her sleep, and bid us take notice of what we saw, for she intended to make use of our evidence against him.—The poor wretch looked like one more dead than alive, and begged for Christ's sake to be released; which was no sooner done, than he protested she was no woman, but a devil incarnate—that she had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and then betrayed him.—
"Yes, cockatrice (continued he, with a faultering voice) thou knowest thou did'st spread this snare for me—but thou shalt not succeed—for I will hang myself before thou shalt get a farthing of me."—
So saying, he crawled to his own bed, groaning all the way.—We then advanced to the captain, who told us,
"Gentlemen, here has been a damn'd mistake; but I'll be revenged on him who was the occasion of it.—That Scotchman who carries the knapsack shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel.—My dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons; you are sensible I could mean no harm to you."—
"I know not what you meant (replied she, sobbing) but I know I have got enough to send me to my grave."—
At length they were reconciled.—The wife was complimented with a share of miss Jenny's bed (her own being overflowed) and the master of the waggon invited Weazel to sleep the remaining part of the night with him. I retired to mine, where I found Strap mortally afraid, he having got away in the dark, while the captain and his lady were at logger-heads.
CHAP. XII.
Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the combat—an affair between the captain and me—the usurer is fain to give miss Jenny five guineas for a release—we are in danger of losing a meal—the behaviour of Weazel, Jenny, and Joey on that occasion—an account of captain Weazel and his lady—the captain's courage tried—Isaac's mirth at the captain's expence.
NEXT morning, I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings for my passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to take my place when I should be disposed to walk.—At the same time I desired him to appease the incensed captain, who by this time had got into the kitchen, with a drawn sword in his hand, and threatned with many oaths, to sacrifice the villain, who attempted to violate his bed; but it was to no purpose for the master to explain the mistake, and assure him of the poor lad's innocence, who stood trembling behind me all the while: the more submission that appeared in Strap, the more implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, who swore he must either fight him, or he would instantly put him to death.—I was extremely provoked at this insolence, and told him, it could not be supposed that a poor barber lad would engage a man of the sword at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he would wrestle or box with him.—To which proposal Strap immediately gave assent, by saying, he would box with him for a guinea.—Weazel replied with a look of disdain, it was beneath any gentleman of his character to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on a footing, in any respect, with such a fellow as Strap.—
"Ods bodikins! (cries Joey) sure coptain, yaw wauld not coommit moorder! Here's a poor lad that is willing to make attoonement for his offence; and an that woant't satisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly.—An yaw woan't box, I dare say, he will coodgel with yaw.—Woan't yaw, my lad?"—
Strap, after some hesitation, answered,
"Ye—yes, I'll cudgel with him."—
But this expedient being also rejected by the captain, I began to smell his character, and tipping Strap the wink, told the company, that I had always heard it said, the person who receives a challenge should have the choice of the weapons; this therefore being the rule in point of honour, I would venture to promise on the head of my companion, that he would even fight captain Weazel at sharps; but it should be with such sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely razors—At my mentioning razors, I could perceive the captain's colour to change, while Strap pulling me by the sleeve, whispered with great eagerness;—
"No, no, no; for the love of God, don't make any such bargain."—
At length, Weazel recovered himself, turned towards me, and with a ferocious countenance, asked,
"Who the devil are you?—will you fight me?"
With these words, putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at seeing the point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and springing to one side, snatched up a spit that stood in the chimney corner, with which I kept my formidable adversary at bay, who made a great many half longes, skipping backward every time, till at last I got him pinned up in a corner, to the no small diversion of the company. While he was in this situation, his wife entered, and seeing her husband in these dangerous circumstances, uttered a dreadful scream, and swooned: Upon this, Weazel demanded a cessation, which was immediately granted; and after his lady had recovered, was contented with the submission of Strap, who falling on his knees before him, protested the innocence of his intention, and asked pardon for the mistake he had committed. This affair being ended without bloodshed, we went to breakfast, but missed two of our company, to wit, miss Jenny and the usurer. As for the first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that she had kept her awake all night with her groans; and that when she got up this morning, miss Jenny was so much indisposed, that she could not proceed on her journey.—At this moment, a message came from her to the master of the waggon, who immediately went into her chamber, followed by us all.—She told him in a lamentable tone, that she was afraid of a miscarriage owing to the fright she received last night, from the brutality of Isaac; and as the event was uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to answer for the consequence—Accordingly this ancient Tarquin was found in the waggon, whither he had retired to avoid the shame of last night's disgrace; and brought by force into her presence.—He no sooner appeared, than she began to weep and sigh most piteously, and told us, if she died, she would leave her blood upon the head of that ravisher.—Poor Isaac, turning up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from the machinations of that Jezabel; and assured us with tears in his eyes, that his being found in bed with her, was the result of her own invitation.—The waggoner understanding the case, advised Isaac to make it up, by giving her a sum of money, to which he replied with great vehemence,
"A sum of money!—a halter for the cockatrice!"—
"O! 'tis very well, (said miss Jenny) I see it is in vain to attempt that flinty heart of his, by fair means.—Joey, be so good as to go to the Justice, and tell him there is a sick person here, who wants to see him on an affair of consequence."—
At the name of justice, Isaac trembling like an aspen-leaf, and bidding Joey stay, asked with a faultering voice,
"what she would have?"
She told him, that as he had not perpetrated his wicked purpose, she would be satisfied with a small matter.—And though the damage she might sustain in her health, might be irreparable, she would give him a release for an hundred guineas.—
"An hundred guineas! (cried he in an extasy) an hundred furies!—Where should a poor old wretch like me, have an hundred guineas? if I had so much money, d'ye think I would be found travelling in a waggon, at this season of the year?"—
"Come, come, (replied Jenny) None of your miserly artifice here.—You think I don't know Isaac Rapine the money-broker in the Minories.—Ah! you old rogue! many a pawn have you had from me and my acquaintance which was never redeemed."—
Isaac finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered twenty shillings for a discharge, which she absolutely refused under fifty pounds: At last, however, she was brought down to five, which he paid with great reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape.—After which this sick person made shift to get into the waggon, and we set forwards in great tranquillity, Strap being accommodated with Joey's horse, the driver himself chusing to walk.—This morning and forenoon we were entertained with an account of the valour of captain Weazel, who told us of his having once knocked down a soldier that made game of him; of tweaking a drawer by the nose, who found fault with his picking his teeth with a fork; and of his sending a challenge to a cheese-monger, who had the presumption to be his rival,—for the truth of which he appealed to his wife.—She confirmed whatever he said, and observed such a thing happened that day,
"I received a loveletter from 'squire Gobble;—and don't you remember, my dear, I was prodigiously sick that very night with eating ortolans, when my lord Diddle took notice of my complexion's being altered, and my lady was so alarmed, that she had well nigh fainted."—
"Yes, my dear, (replied the captain) you know, my lord said to me, with a sneer,"—
"Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding."—
"And I answered cavalierly, My lord, I wish I could return the compliment.—Upon which the whole company broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; and my lord, who loves a repartée dearly, came round and bussed me."—
We travelled in this manner five days, without interruption or meeting any thing worth notice: Miss Jenny (who soon recovered her spirits) entertaining us every day with diverting songs, of which she could sing a great number; and rallying her old gallant, who notwithstanding could never be reconciled to her.—On the sixth day, while we were about to sit down to dinner, the inn-keeper came and told us, that three gentlemen just arrived, had ordered the victuals to be carried to their apartment, altho' he had informed them that they were bespoke by the passengers in the waggon. To which they had replied,
"The passengers in the waggon might be damn'd—their betters must be served before them,—they supposed it would be no hardship on such travellers to dine upon bread and cheese for one day."—
This was a terrible disappointment to us all; and we laid our heads together how to remedy it; when miss Jenny propose that captain Weazel, being by profession a soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from being insulted.—But the captain excused himself, saying, he would not for the world be known to have travelled in a waggon; swearing at the same time, th
he appear with honour, they should eat his sword sooner than his provision.—Upon this declaration, miss Jenny snatching his sword drew it, and run immediately to the kitchin, where she threatned to put the cook to death, if he did not send the victuals into our chamber immediately.—The noise she made, brought the three strangers down, one of whom no sooner perceived her, than he cried out,
"Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?"—
"My dear Jack Rattle! (replied she, running into his arms) is it you?—Then Weazel may go to hell for a dinner—I shall dine with you."—
They consented to this, with a grat deal of joy; and we were on the point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey understanding the whole affair, entered the kitchin with a pitchfork in his hand, swore he would be the death of any man who should pretend to seize the victuals prepared for the waggon.—This menace had like to have produced fatal consequences; the three strangers drawing their swords, and being joined by their servants, and we ranging ourselves on the side of Joey; when the landlord interposing, offered to part with his own dinner to keep the peace, which was accepted by the strangers; and we sat down at table without any further molestation.—In the afternoon, I chose to walk along with Joey, and Strap took my place.—Having entered into conversation with this driver, I soon found him to be a merry, facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very arch: He informed me, that miss Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who falling into company with a recruiting officer, he carried her down in the stage-coach from London to Newcastle, where he had been arrested for debt, and was now in prison; upon which she was fain to return to her former way of life, in the manner we found her.—He told me likewise, that one of the gentlemen's servants, whom we left at the inn, having accidentally seen Weazel, immediately knew him, and acquainted Joey with some particulars of his character, as follows: That he had served my lord Frizzle in quality of
valet de chambre
many years; while he lived separate from his lady: But upon their reconciliation, she expresly insisted upon Weazel's being turned off, as well as the woman he kept: whereupon his lordship, to get rid of them both with a good grace, proposed that he should marry his mistress, and he would procure a commission for him in the army; this expedient was agreed to, and Weazel is now, by his lordship's interest, ensign in—'s regiment, I found he and I had the same sentiments with regard to Weazel's courage, which we resolved to put to the trial, by alarming the passengers with the cry of,
"an highwayman!"
as soon as we should discover an horseman appear. This we put in practice towards the dusk, when we descried a man on horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the people in the waggon, that he was afraid we should be all robbed, than a general consternation arose: Strap jumped out of the waggon and hid himself behind a hedge. The usurer put forth ejaculations, and made a rustling among the straw, which made us conjecture he had hid something under it. Mrs. Weazel wringing her hands, uttered lamentable cries; and the captain, to our great amazement, began to snore; but this artifice did not succeed; for miss Jenny, shaking him by the shoulder, bawl'd out,
"'Sdeath! captain, is this a time to snore, when we are going to be robbed?—Get up for shame, and behave like a soldier and a man of honour."—
Weazel pretended to be in a great passion for being disturbed, and swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England surrounded him.—
"D—n my blood! what are you afraid of (continued he;")
at the same time trembling with such agitation, that the whole carriage shook.—This singular piece of behaviour incensed miss Ramper so much, that she cried out,
"D—n your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon as ever was drummed out of a regiment.—Stop the waggon, Joey—let me get out, and by G—d, if I have rhetorick enough, the thief shall not only take your purse, but your skin also."—
So saying, she leapt out with great agility.—By this time the horseman came up with us, and happened to be a gentleman's servant well known to Joey, who communicated our scheme, and desired him to carry it on a little further, by going up to the waggon, and questioning those within it.—The stranger consenting for the sake of diversion, approached it, and in a terrible tone, demanded,
"Who have you got here?"—
Isaac replied with a lamentable voice,
"Here is a poor miserable sinner, who has got a small family to maintain, and nothing in the world wherewithal, but these fifteen shillings, which if you rob me of, we must all starve together."—
"Who's that sobbing in the other corner?" (said the supposed highwayman.)
"A poor unfortunate woman, (answered Mrs. Weazel) upon whom I beg you for Christ's sake, to have compassion."—
"Are you maid or wife?" (said he)—
"Wife to my sorrow," (cried she.)—
"Who, or where is your husband?" (continued he.)—
"My husband, (replied Mrs. Weazel) is an officer in the army, and was left sick at the last inn where we dined."—
"You must be mistaken, madam, (said he) for I myself saw him get into the waggon this afternoon;—But pray what smell is that? Sure your lapdog has befoul'd himself;—let me catch hold of the nasty cur, I'll teach him better manners."—
Here he laid hold of one of Weazel's legs, and pulled him from under his wife's petticoats where he had concealed himself.—The poor trembling captain being detected in this inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes, and affecting to wake out of sleep, cried,
"What's the matter?—What's the matter?"—
"The matter is not much, (answered the horseman) I only called in, to enquire after your health, and so adieu, most noble captain."—
Having said this, he clapped spurs to his horse, and was out of sight in a moment.—It was some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at length, re-assuming the big look, he said,
"Damn the fellow! why did he ride away, before I had time to ask how his lord and lady do?—Don't you remember Tom, my dear?"
x addressing himself to his wife.—
"Yes, (replied she) I think I do remember something of the fellow,—but you know I seldom converse with people of his station."—
"Hoy day! (cried Joey) do yaw knaw the young mon, coptain?"—
"Know him, (said Weazel) many a time has he filled a glass of Burgundy for me, at my lord Trippit's table."—
"And what may his neame be, coptain," (said Joey.)
"His name!—his name (replied Weazel) is Tom Rinser.—
"Waunds! (cried Joey) a has changed his true neame then! for I'se lay any wager he was christened John Trotter."—
This observation raised the laugh against the captain, who seemed very much disconcerted; when Isaac broke silence, and said,
"It was no matter who or what he was, since he had not proved the robber we suspected.—And that we ought to bless God for our narrow escape."—
"Bless God, (said Weazel) bless the devil! for what? had he been a highwayman, I should have eat his blood, body and guts, before he had robbed me, or any one in this
Diligence.
"—
"Ha, ha, ha! (cried miss Jenny) I believe you will eat all you kill indeed, captain."—
The usurer was so pleased at the event of this adventure, that he could not refrain from being severe, and took notice that captain Weazel seemed to be a good Christian, for he had armed himself with patience and resignation, instead of carnal weapons; and worked out his salvation with fear and trembling.—This piece of satire occasioned a great deal of mirth at Weazel's expence, who muttered a great many oaths, and threatned to cut Isaac's throat;—which the usurer taking hold of, said,
"Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness, that my life is in danger from this bloody-minded officer.—I'll have him bound over to the peace."
This second sneer, procured another laugh against him, and he remained crest-fallen during the remaining part of our journey.
CHAP. XIII.
Strap and I are terrified by an apparition—Strap's conjecture—the mystery explained by Joey—we arrive at London—our dress and appearance described—we are insulted in the street—an adventure in the ale-house—we are imposed upon by a waggish footman—set to rights by a tobacconist—take lodgings—dive for a dinner—an accident at our ordinary.
WE arrived at our inn, supped and went to bed; but Strap's distemper continuing, he was obliged to get up in the middle of the night, and taking the candle in his hand, which he had left burning for the purpose, he went down to the house of office; whence in a short time he returned in a great hurry, with his hair standing on end, and a look betokening horror and astonishment. Without speaking a word, he set down the light, and jumped into bed behind me, where he lay and trembled with great violence.—When I asked him what was the matter? he replied, with a broken accent,
"God have mercy on us! I have seen the devil."—
Though my prejudice was not quite so strong as his, I was not a little alarmed at this exclamation, and much more so, when I heard the sound of bells approaching our chamber, and felt my bedfellow cling close to me, uttering these words, Christ have mercy upon us! there he comes.—At that instant, a monstrous overgrown raven entered our chamber, with bells at its feet, and made directly towards our bed.—As this creature is reckoned in our country, a common vehicle for the devil and witches to play their pranks in, I verily believed we were haunted; and in a violent fright, shrunk my head under the bed-cloaths.—This terrible apparition leapt upon the bed, and after giving us several severe dabbs with its beak through the blankets, hopped away, and vanished. Strap and I recommended ourselves to the protection of heaven with great devotion, and when we no longer heard the noise, ventured to peep up and take breath.—But we had not been long freed from this phantom, when another appeared, that had well nigh deprived us both of our senses. We perceived an old man enter the room, with a long white beard that reached to his middle; there was a certain wild peculiarity in his eyes and countenance, that did not savour of this world: and his dress consisted of a brown stuff coat, buttoned behind, and at the wrists, and an odd-fashioned cap of the same stuff upon his head.—I was so amazed that I had not power to move my eyes from such a ghastly object, but lay motionless, and saw him come streight up to me: when he got to the bed, he wrung his hands, and cried with a voice that did not seem to belong to a human creature,
"Where is Ralph?"
I made no reply; upon which, he repeated in an accent still more preternatural;
"Where is Ralpho?"—
He had no sooner pronounced these words, than I heard the sound of the bells at a distance; which the apparition having listened to, tript away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was a good while before I could recover myself so far as to speak: and when at length I turned about to Strap, I found him in a fit, which, however, did not last long.—When he came to himself, I asked his opinion of what had happened; and he assured me, that the first must certainly be the soul of some person damned, which appeared by the chains about its legs (for his fears had magnified the creature to the bigness of a horse, and the sound of small morris bells to the clanking of massy chains)—As for the old man, he took it to be the spirit of somebody murdered long ago in this place, which had power granted it to torment the assassin in the shape of a raven, and that Rapho was the name of the said murderer.—Although I had not much faith in his interpretation, I was too much troubled to enjoy any sleep; and in all my future adventures, never passed a night so ill.—In the morning, Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, who after an immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling him that the old man was the landlord's father, who had turned idiot some years ago, and diverted himself with a tame raven, which, it seems, had hopped away from his apartment in the night, and induced him to follow it to our chamber, where he had inquired after it, under the name of Ralpho.
Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey, which continued six or seven days longer: At length we entered the great city, and lodged all night at the inn, where the waggon halted.—Next morning, all the passengers parted different ways; while my companion and I sallied out to enquire for the member of parliament to whom I had a letter of recommendation from Mr. Crab. As we had discharged our lodging at the inn, Strap took up our baggage, and marched behind me in the street with the knapsack on his back, as usual, so that we made a very whimsical appearance.—I had dressed myself to the greatest advantage; that is, put on a clean ruffled shirt, my best thread stockings, my hair (which was of the deepest red) hung down upon my shoulders, as lank and streight as a pound of candles; and the skirts of my coat reached to the middle of my leg; my waistcoat and breeches were of the same piece, and cut in the same taste; my hat very much resembled a Barber's bason in the shallowness of the crown and narrowness of the brims. Strap was habited in a much less aukward manner than me; but a short crop eared wig that very much resembled Scrub's in the play, and the knapsack on his back, added to what is called a queer phiz, occasioned by a long chin, an hook nose, and high cheek bones, rendered him on the whole a very fit subject of mirth and pleasantry. As we walked along, Strap, at my desire, enquired of a carman whom we met, whereabouts Mr. Cringer lived;—and was answered by a stare accompanied with the word,
"Anan!"
Upon which I came up in order to explain the question, but had the misfortune to be unintelligible likewise, the carman damning us for a lousy Scotch guard, and whipping up his horses with a
"Gee ho!"
which nettled me to the quick, and roused the indignation of Strap so far, that after the fellow was gone a good way, he told me he would fight him for a farthing.—While we were deliberating what was next to be done, an hackney coachman driving softly along, and perceiving us standing by the kennel, came up close to us, and calling,
"A coach, master!"
by a dexterous management of the reins, made his horses stumble in the wet, and bedaub us all over with mud.—After which, he drove on, applauding himself with a hearty laugh, in which several people joined, to my great mortification; but one more compassionate than the rest seeing us strangers, advised me to go into an ale-house, and dry myself. I thanked him for his advice, which I immediately complied with; and going into the house he pointed out, called for a pot of beer, and sat down by the fire in a public room, where we cleaned ourselves as well as we could—In the mean time, a wag who sat in a box, smoaking his pipe, understanding by our dialect who we were, came up to me, and, with a very grave countenance, asked me, how long I had been caught? As I did not know the meaning of his question, I made no answer; and he went on, saying, it could not be a great while, for my tail was not yet cut; at the same time taking hold of my hair, and tipping the wink to the rest of the company, which seemed highly entertained with his wit.—I was incensed at this usage, but afraid of resenting it, because I happened to be in a strange place, and perceived the person who spoke to me, was a brawny fellow, for whom I was by no means a match. However, Strap having either more courage or less caution, could not put up with the insults that I suffered; but told him with a peremptory tone,
"He was an uncivil fellow, for making so free with his betters."—
Whereupon, the wit going toward him, asked,
"What he had got in his knapsack?"
Is it oat-meal or brimstone, Sawney? (said he) seizing him by the chin, which he shook to the inexpressible diversion of all present.—My companion feeling himself assaulted in such an opprobrious manner, disengaged himself in a trice, and lent his antagonist such a box on the ear, as made him stagger to the other side of the room; and in a moment, a ring was formed for the combatants.—Seeing Strap beginning to strip, and my blood being heated with indignation, which banished all other thoughts, I undressed myself to the skin in an instant, and declared, that as the affront that occasioned the quarrel was offered to me, I would fight it out myself; upon which one or two cried out,
"That's a brave Scotch boy; you shall have fair play, by G—d."
This gave me fresh spirits, and going up to my adversary, who by his pale countenance, did not seem much inclined to the battle, I struck him so hard on the stomach that he reeled over a bench, and fell to the ground. Here I attempted to get a-top of him in order to improve my success, according to the manner of my own country; but was restrained by the spectators, one of whom endeavoured to raise up my opponent, but in vain; for he protested he would not fight, not being quite recovered of a late illness.—I was very well pleased with this excuse, and immediately dressed myself, having acquired the good opinion of the company for my bravery, as did also my comrade Strap, who shook me by the hand and wished me joy of the victory.—After having drank our pot, and dried our cloaths, we enquired of the landlord if he knew Mr. Cringer the member of parliament, and were amazed at his replying in the negative; for we imagined, he must be every bit as conspicuous here, as in the borough he represented; but he told us we might possibly hear of him as we passed along.—Whereupon we betook ourselves to the street, where, seeing a footman standing at a door, we made up to him, and asked if he knew where our patron lived.—This member of the party-coloured sraternity, surveying us both very minutely, said he knew Mr. Cringer very well, and bid us turn down the first street on our left, then turn to the right, and then to the left again, after which we would observe a lane, through which we must pass, and at the other end we should find an alley that leads to another street, where we should see the sign of the thistle and three pedlars, and there he lodged.—We thanked him for his information, and went forwards, Strap telling me, that he knew this person to be an honest friendly man by his countenance, before he opened his mouth; in which opinion I acquiesced, ascribing his good manners to the company he daily saw in the house where he served.—We followed his directions punctually, in turning to the left and to the right, and to the left again; but instead of seeing a lane before us, we found ourselves at the side of the river, which perplexed us not a little; and my fellow traveller ventured to pronounce, that we had certainly missed our way.—By this time we were pretty much fatigued with our walk, and not knowing how to proceed, I went into a sm
ll snuff-shop hard by, encouraged by the sign of the highlander, where I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, the shop-keeper my countryman.—He was no sooner informed of our peregrination, and the directions we had received from the footman, than he informed us we had been imposed upon, telling us, that Mr. Cringer lived in the other end of the town; and that it would be to no purpose for us to go thither to-day, for by that time he was gone to the House.—I then asked him if he could recommend us to a lodging, which he readily did, by giving us a line to one of his acquaintance who kept a chandler's shop not far from St. Martin's Lane; here we hired a bed-room, up two pair of stairs, at the rate of 2
s. per
week, so very small, that when the bed was let down, we were obliged to carry out every other piece of furniture that belonged to the apartment, and use the bedstead by way of chairs.—About dinner-time, our landlord asked us how we proposed to live, to which we answered, that we would be directed by him.—
"Well then (says he) there are two ways of eating in this town, for people of your condition; the one more creditable and expensive than the other: the first, is to dine at an eating-house frequented by well dressed people only, and the other is called diving, practised by those who are either obliged or inclined to live frugally."—
I gave him to understand that provided the last was not infamous, it would suit much better with our circumstances than the other.—
"Infamous (cried he) God forbid, there are many creditable people, and rich people, ay and fine people, that dive every day.—I have seen many a pretty gentleman bedaubed all over with lace, dine in that manner, very comfortably for three pence half-penny, and go afterwards to the coffee-house, where he made a figure with the best lord in the land;—but your own eyes shall bear witness.—I will go along with you to-day and introduce you."—
He accordingly carried us to a certain lane, where stopping, he bid us observe him, and do as he did, and walking a few paces, dived into a cellar and disappeared in an instant.—I followed his example, and descended very successfully, where I found myself in the middle of a cook's shop, almost suffocated with the steams of boil'd beef, and surrounded by a company consisting chiefly of hackney-coachmen, chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen out of place or on board wages; who sat eating shin of beef, tripe, cow-heel or sausages, at separate boards, covered with cloths, which turned my stomach.—While I stood in amaze, undetermined whether to sit down or walk upwards again, Strap, in his descent missing one of the steps, tumbled headlong into this infernal ordinary, and overturned the cook as she was carrying a porringer of soup to one of the guests: In her fall, she dashed the whole mess against the legs of a drummer belonging to the foot guards, who happened to be in her way, and scalded him so miserably, that he started up, and danced up and down, uttering a volley of execrations that made my hair stand on end. While he entertained the company in this manner, with an eloquence peculiar to himself, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse on the poor author of this mischance, who lay under the table scratching his rump with a woful countenance, emptied a saltseller in her hand, and stripping down the patient's stocking which brought the skin along with it, applied the contents to the sore.—This poultice was scarce laid on, when the drummer, who had begun to abate of his exclamation, broke forth into such a hideous yell, as made the whole company tremble; then seizing a pewter pint-pot that stood by him, squeezed the sides of it together, as if it had been made of pliant leather, grinding his teeth at the same time with a most horrible grin. Guessing the cause of this violent transport, I bid the woman wash off the salt, and bathe the part with oil, which she did, and procured him immediate ease. But here another difficulty occurred, which was no other than the landlady's insisting on his paying for the pot he had rendered useless; he swore he would pay for nothing but what he had eat, and bid her be thankful for his moderation, or else he would prosecute her for damages.—Strap foreseeing it would all land at him, promised to satisfy the cook, and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer with, which entirely appeased him, and composed all animosities. After this our landlord and we sat down at a board, and dined upon shin of beef most deliciously; our reckoning amounting to two pence halfpenny each, bread and small beer included.
CHAP. XIV.
We visit Strap's friend—a description of him—his advice—we go to Mr. Cringer's house—are denied admittance—an accident befals Strap—his behaviour thereupon—an extraordinary adventure occurs, in the course of which I lose all my money.
IN the afternoon, my companion proposed to to call at his friend's house, which, we were informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither we accordingly went, and were so lucky as to find him at home. This gentleman, who had come from Scotland three or four years ago, kept a school in town, where he taught the Latin, French and Italian languages; but what he chiefly professed was the pronounciation of the English tongue, after a method more speedy and uncommon than any practised heretofore; and indeed if his scholars spoke like their master, the latter part of his undertaking was certainly performed to a tittle; for although I could easily understand every word of what I had heard hitherto since I entered England, three parts in four of his dialect were as unintelligible to me, as if he had spoke in Arabick or Irish.—He was a middle-sized man, and stooped very much, though not above the age of forty; his face was very much pitted with the small-pox, his eyes blear'd, and his mouth extended from ear to ear.—He was dressed in a night-gown of plaid, fastened about his middle with a serjeant's old sash, and a tie-perriwig with a fore-top three inches high, in the fashion of king Charles the second's reign.—After he had received Strap (who was related to him) very courteously, he enquired of him, who I was: and being informed, took me by the hand, telling me, he was at school with my father.—When he understood my situation, he assured me that he would do me all the service in his power, both by his advice and otherwise; and while he spoke these words, he eyed me with great attention, walking round me several times, and muttering,
"O Ch—st! O Ch—st! fat a saight is here?"—
I soon guessed the reason of of his ejaculation, and said,
"I suppose, sir, you are not pleased with my dress."—
"Dress, (answered he) you may caal it fat you please, in your country, but I vaw to Gad, 'tis a masquerade here.—No christian will admit such a figure into his hawse.—Upon my conscience! I wonder the dogs did not hunt you.—Did you pass through St. James's market?—God bless my eye-saight! you look like a cousin-german of Ouran Outang."—
I began to be a little serious at this discourse, and asked him, if he thought I should obtain entrance tomorrow at the house Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended, for an introduction into business.—
"Mr. Cringer, Mr. Cringer (replied he, scratching his cheek) may be a very honest gentleman—I know nothing to the contrary; but is your sole dependance upon him?—Who recommended you to him?"—
I pulled out Mr. Crab's letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes; at which he stared at me, and repeated,
"O Ch—st!"—
I began to conceive bad omens from this behaviour of his, and begged he would assist me with his advice; which he promised to do very frankly; and as a specimen, directed us to a perriwig ware-house, in the neighbourhood, in order to be accommodated; laying strong injunctions on me not to appear before Mr. Cringer, till I had parted with these carroty locks, which (he said) were sufficient to beget an antipathy against me, in all mankind.—And as we were going to pursue this advice, he called me back, and bid me be sure to deliver my letter into Mr. Cringer's own hand.—As we walked along, Strap triumphed greatly in our reception with his friend, who (it seems) had assured him, he would in a day or two provide for him, with some good master; and
"now (says he) you shall see how I will fit you with a wig—There's ne'er a barber in London (and that's a bold word) can palm a rotten caul, or a penny-weight of dead hair upon me."—
And indeed this zealous adherent did wrangle so long with the merchant, that he was desired twenty times to leave the shop, and see if he could get one cheaper elsewhere. At length I made choice of a good handsome bob, for which I paid fifteen shillings; and returned to our lodging, where Strap, in a moment, rid me of that hair which had given the school-master so much offence.
We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr. Cringer gave audience by candle-light to all his dependants, he himself being obliged to attend the levee of my lord Terrier, at break of day; because his lordship made one at the minister's between eight and nine aclock.—When we came to Mr. Cringer's door, Strap, to give me an instance of his politeness, run to the knocker, which he employed so loud and so long, that he alarmed the whole street; and a window opening up two pair of stairs in the next house, a chamber-pot was discharged upon him so successfully, that the poor barber was wet to the skin, while I, being luckily at some distance, escaped the unsavoury deluge.—In the mean time, a footman opening the door, and seein no body in the street but us, asked with a stern countenance, if it was I who made such a damned noise, and what I wanted.—I told him I had business with his master, whom I desired to see.—Upon which, he clapt the door in my face, telling me, I must learn better manners before I could have access to his master. Vexed at this disappointment, I turned my resentment against Strap, whom I sharply reprimanded for his presumption; but he not in the least regarding what I said, wrung the urine out of his perriwig, and lifting up a large stone, flung it with such force against the street-door of that house from whence he had been bedewed, that the lock giving way, it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, leaving me to follow him as I could.—Indeed there was no time for deliberation; I therefore pursued him with all the speed I could exert, until we found ourselves, about the dawn, in a street we did not know. Here as we wandered along, gaping about, a very decent sort of a man, passing by me, stopped of a sudden, and took up something, which having examined, he turned, and presented it to me with these words,
"Sir, you have dropt half a crown."—
I was not a little surprized at this instance of honesty, and told him, it did not belong to me; but he bid me recollect and see if all my money was safe, upon which I pulled out my purse (for I had bought one since I came to town) and reckoning my money in my hand, which was now reduced to five guineas, seven shillings and two pence, I assured him I had lost nothing.—
"Well then, (says he) so much the better,—this is Godsend—and as you two were present when I picked it up, you are entitled to equal shares with me."—
I was astonished at these words, and looked upon this person to be a prodigy of integrity, but absolutely refused any part of the sum.—
"Come, gentlemen, (said he) you are too modest—I see you are strangers—but you shall give me leave to treat you with a whet this cold raw morning."—
I would have declined this invitation, but Strap whispered to me, that the gentleman would be affronted, and I complied.—
"Where shall we go? (said the stranger) I am quite ignorant of this part of the town."—
I informed him that we were in the same situation: Upon which he proposed to go into the first public house we should find open. As we walked together, he began in this manner:—
"I find by your tongues you are come from Scotland, gentlemen.—My grandmother by the father's side was of your country, which has prepossessed me so much in its favour, that I never meet a Scotchman but my heart warms.—The Scots are a very brave people.—There is scarce a great family in the kingdom, that cannot boast of some exploits performed by its ancestors many hundred years ago.—There's your Douglasses, Gordons, Campbels, Hamiltons.—We have no such ancient families here in England.—Then you are all very well educated.—I have known a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew, as well as if they had been his mother tongue—And for honesty—I once had a servant, his name was Gregory Macgregor, I would have trusted him with untold gold."—
This eulogium on my native country, gained my affection so strongly, that I believe I could have gone to death to serve the author; and Strap's eyes swam in tears. At length, as we passed through a dark narrow lane, we perceived a public house, which we entered; and found a man sitting by the fire, smoaking a pipe with a pint of purl before him.—Our new acquaintance asked us, if ever we had drank egg flip; to which we answering in the negative, he assured us of a regale, and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling for pipes and tobacco at the same time. We found this composition very palatable, and drank heartily; the conversation (which was introduced by the gentleman) turning upon the snares that young unexperienced people are exposed to in this metropolis.—He described a thousand cheats that are daily practised upon the ignorant and unwary; and warned us of them with so much good-nature and concern, that we blessed the opportunity which threw us into his way.—After we had put the cann about for some time, our new friend began to yawn, telling us he had been up all night with a sick person; and proposed we should have recourse to some diversion to keep him awake.—
"Suppose (said he) we should take a hand at whist for pastime—But let me see, that won't do, there's only three of us; and I cannot play at any other game—The truth is, I seldom or never play, but out of complaisance, or at such a time as this, when I am in danger of falling asleep."—
Although I had no great inclination for gaming, I felt no aversion to pass an hour or two at cards with a friend; and knowing that Strap understood as much of the matter as I, made no scruple of saying,
"I wish we could find a fourth hand."—
While we were in this perplexity, the person whom we found at our entrance, overhearing our discourse, took the pipe from his mouth very gravely, and accosted us thus:
"Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you see, (shaking the ashes into the fire) and rather than you should be baulked, I don't care if I take a hand with you, for a trifle,—but remember I won't play for any thing of consequence."—
We accepted his profer with pleasure; and having cut for partners, it fell to my lot to play with him, against our friend and Strap, for three pence a game.—We were so successful, that in a short time I was half a crown gainer; when the gentleman whom we had met in the street observing he had no luck to-day, proposed to leave off, or change partners.—By this time I was inflamed with my good fortune, and the expectation of improving it, as I perceived the two strangers plaid but indifferently: therefore I voted for giving him his revenge, with which he complied after some intreaty, and cutting again, Strap and I (to our mutual satisfaction) happened to be partners.—My good fortune attended me still, and in less than an hour, we had got thirty shillings of their money; for as they lost, they grew the keener and doubled stakes every time. At last the inconstant goddess began to veer about, and we were very soon stript of all our gains, and about forty shillings of our own money. This mortified me extremely, and had a visible effect on the muscles of Strap's face, which lengthened apace; but our antagonists perceiving our condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve our loss, and console ourselves with a new acquisition.—Then my companion wisely suggested it was time to begone; upon which, the person who had joined us in the house began to curse the cards; and muttered that we were indebted to fortune only for what we had got, no part of our success being owing to our good play.—This insinuation nettled me so much, that I challenged him to continue the game for a crown; and he was with difficulty persuaded to accept the invitation.—This contest ended in less than an hour, to my inexpressible affliction, who lost every shilling of my own money, Strap absolutely refusing to supply me with a six-pence.—The gentleman, at whose request we had come in, perceiving by my disconsolate looks the situation of my heart, which well nigh bursted with grief and resentment, when the other stranger got up, and went away with my money; began in this manner:
"I am truly afflicted at your bad luck, and would willingly repair it, was it in my power.—But what in the name of goodness could provoke you to tempt your fate so long? It is always a maxim with gamesters to pursue success as far as it will go, and to stop whenever fortune shifts about.—You are a young man, and your passions too impetuous; you must learn to govern them better:—However, there is no experience like that which is bought; you will be the better for this the longest day you have to live.—As for the fellow who has got your money, I don't half like him—Did not you observe me tip you the wink, to leave off in time?"—
I answered, No.
"No, (continued he) you was too eager to mind any thing but the game.—But, harkee, (said he, in a whisper) are you satisfied of that young man's honesty? his looks are a little suspicious;—but I may be mistaken;—he made a great many grimaces while he stood behind you;—this is a very wicked town."—
I told him I was very well convinced of my comrade's integrity, and that the grimaces he mentioned were doubtless owing to his anxiety at my loss.—
"O ho! if that be the case, I ask his pardon.—Landlord, see what's to pay."—
The reckoning came to eighteen pence, which having discharged, the gentleman shook us both by the hand, and saying he should be very glad to see us again, departed.
CHAP. XV.
Strap moralizes—presents his purse to me—we inform our landlord of my misfortune, who unravels the mystery—I present myself to Cringer—he recommends and turns me over to Mr. Staytape—I become acquainted with a fellow-dependant, who explains the characters of Cringer and Staytape—and informs me of the method to be pursued at the Navy office and Surgeon'shall—Strap is employed.
IN our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both sides, Strap with a hideous groan observed, that we had brought our pigs to a fine market. To this I made no reply, and he went on:
"God send us well out of this place, we have not been in London eight and forty hours, and I believe we have met with eight and forty thousand misfortunes.—We have been jeered, reproached, buffetted, pissed upon, and at last stript of our money; and I suppose by and by we shall be stript of our skins.—Indeed, as to the money part of it, that was owing to our own folly; Solomon says,
Bray a fool in a mortar, and he will never be wise.
Ah! God help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a pound of gold."
This was no time for him to tamper with my disposition, already mad with my loss, and inflamed with resentment against him, who had refused me a little money to attempt to retrieve it. I therefore, turned towards him with a stern countenance, and asked him,
"Who he called fool!"
Being altogether unaccustomed with such looks from me, he stood still and stared in my face for some time; then, with some confusion, uttered
"Fool!—I called no body fool but myself;—I am sure, I am the greatest fool of the two, for being so much concerned at other people's misfortunes;—but
Nemo omnibus horis sapit.
—that's all—that's all."—
Upon which a silence ensued that brought us to our lodging, where I threw myself into the bed in an agony of despair, resolving to perish for want, rather than apply to my companion or any other body for relief; but Strap, who knew my temper, and whose heart bled within him at my distress, after some pause, came to the bed-side, and putting a leather purse into my hand, burst into tears, crying,
"I know what you think: but I scorn your thoughts.—There's all I have in the world, take it, and I'll perhaps get more for you before that be done—if not, I'll beg for you, steal for you, go through the wide world with you, and starve with you, for though I be a poor cobler's son, I am no scout."—
I was so touched with the generous passion of this poor creature, that I could not refrain from weeping also, and we mingled our tears together for some time.—Upon examining the purse, I found in it two half guineas and half a crown, which I would have returned to him, saying, he knew better than I how to manage it; but he absolutely refused my proposal, and told me, it was more reasonable and decent that he should depend upon me who was a gentleman, than that I should be controuled by him.
After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at ease, we informed our landlord of what had happened to us, taking care to conceal the extremity to which we were reduced: He no sooner heard the story, than he assured us we had been grievously imposed upon by a couple of sharpers, who were associates; and that this polite, honest, friendly, humane person, who had treated us so civilly, was no other than a rascally money-dropper, who made it his business to decoy strangers in that manner, to one of his own haunts, where an accomplice or two was always waiting to assist in pillaging the prey they had run down.—Here the good man recounted a great many stories of people who had been seduced, cheated, pilfered, beat,—nay, even murdered by such villains. I was confounded at the artifice and wickedness of mankind, and Strap listing up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from scenes of such iniquity; for surely the devil had set up his throne in London.—Our landlord being curious to know what reception we had met with at Mr. Cringer's, we acquainted him with the particulars, at which he shook his head, and told us, we had not gone the right way to work; that there was nothing to be done with a m—b—r of p—m—t without a bribe: that the servant was commonly infected with the master's disease, and expected to be paid for his work, as well as his betters.—He therefore advised me to give the footman a shilling the next time I desired admittance to my patron, or else I should scarce find an opportunity to deliver my letter. Accordingly, next morning, when the door was opened, I slipt a shilling into his hand, and told him I had a letter for his master.—I found the good effects of my liberality; for the fellow let me in immediately, and taking the letter out of my hand, desired me to wait in a kind of passage, for an answer. In this place I continued standing three quarters of an hour, during which time I saw a great many young fellows, whom I formerly knew in Scotland, pass and repass, with an air of familiarity in their way to and from the audience chamber: while I was fain to stand shivering in the cold, and turn my back to them, that they might not perceive the lowness of my condition.—At length, Mr. Cringer came out to see a young gentleman to the door, who was no other than 'squire Gawky, dressed in a very gay suit of cloaths: At parting Mr. Cringer shook him by the hand, and told him he hoped to have the pleasure of his company at dinner. Then turning about towards me, asked what were my commands: when he understood I was the person who had brought the letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect my name, which however, he pretended he could not do, till he had consulted the letter again; to save him that trouble, I told him my name was Random.—Upon which he went on,
"Ay, ay, Random, Random, Random—I think I remember the name;"
and very well he might, for this very individual Mr. Cringer had many a time rode before my grandfather's cloak-bag, in quality of footman.—
"Well, (says he) you propose to go on board a man of war, as surgeon's mate."
To which I replied by a low bow.
"I believe it will be a difficult matter (continued he) to procure a warrant, there being already such a swarm of Scotch surgeons at the navy office, in expectation of the next vacancy, that the commissioners are afraid of being torn in pieces, and have actually applied for a guard to protect them.—However, some ships will soon be put in commission, and then we shall see what's to be done."—
So saying, he left me, exceedingly mortified at the different reception Mr. Gawky and I had met with from this upstart, proud, mean member, who (I imagined) would have thought it an happiness to have it in his power to be grateful for the obligations he owed to my family.
At my return, I was surprized with the agreeable news of Strap's being employed on the recommendation of his friend the school-master, by a perriwig-maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five shillings
per
week, besides bed and board.—I continued to dance attendance every other morning at the levée of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight, in which time I became acquainted with a young fellow of my own country and profession, who also depended on the member's interest; but was treated with much more respect than I, both by the servants and master, being often admitted into a parlour, where there was a fire, for the convenience of the better sort of those who waited for him.—Thither I was never permitted to penetrate on account of my appearance, which was not at all fashionable; but was obliged to stand blowing my fingers in a cold lobby, and take the first opportunity of Mr. Cringer's going to the door, to speak with him.—One day, while I enjoyed this occasion, a person was introduced, whom Mr. Cringer no sooner saw, then running towards him, he saluted him with a bow to the very ground, and afterwards shaking him by the hand with great heartiness and familiarity, called him his good friend, and asked very kindly how Mrs. Staytape, and the young ladies did; then, after a whisper which continued some minutes, wherein I over-heard the word
Honour
repeated several times with great emphasis, Mr. Cringer introduced me to this gentleman, as to a person whose advice and assistance I might depend upon, and having given me his direction, followed me to the door, where he told me, I needed not give myself the trouble to call at his house any more, for Mr. Staytape would do my business for me. At that instant my fellow dependant coming out after me, over-heard the discourse of Mr. Cringer, and making up to me in the street, accosted me very civilly, which I looked upon as no small honour, considering the figure he made; for he was dressed in a blue frock with a gold button, a green silk waistcoat trimmed with gold, black velvet breeches, white silk stockings, silver buckles, a gold-laced hat, a spencer wig, and a silver hilted hanger, with a fine clouded cane in his hand.—
"I perceive (says he) you are but lately come from Scotland:—pray what may your business with Mr. Cringer be?—I suppose it is no secret—and I may possibly give you some advice that will be serviceable; for I have been surgeon's second mate on board of a seventy-gun ship, and consequently know a good deal of the world."—
I made no scruple to disclose my situation, which when he had learned, he shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much in the same circumstances about a year ago; that he had relied on Cringer's promises so long, that his money (which was considerable) as well as his credit, was quite exhausted; and when he wrote to his relations for a fresh supply, instead of money, he received nothing but reproaches, and the epithets of idle, debauched fellow: That after he had waited at the Navy-Office many months for a warrant, to no purpose, he was fain to pawn some of his cloaths, which raised him a small sum, wherewith he bribed the s—t—y, who soon procured a warrant for him, notwithstanding he had affirmed the same day, that there was not one vacancy.—That he had gone on board, where he remained nine months; at the end of which the ship was put out of commission, and the company to be paid off in Broad-street the very next day.—That his relations being reconcil'd to him, had charg'd him to pay his devoirs regularly to Mr. Cringer, who had informed them by letter, that his interest alone had procured the warrant; in obedience to which command, he came to his levee every morning as I saw, though he looked upon him to be a very pitiful scoundrel—In conclusion, he asked me if I had yet passed at Surgeon's-Hall? To which I answered, I did not so much as know it was necessary—
"Necessary! (cried he) O lord, O lord! I find I must instruct you—come along with me, and I'll give you some information about that matter."—
So saying, he carried me into an ale-house, where he called for some beer and bread and cheese, on which we breakfasted. While we sat in this place, he told me I must first go to the Navy-Office, and write to the board, desiring them to order a letter for me to the Surgeon's-Hall, that I may be examined touching my skill in surgery: That the Surgeons, after having examined me, would give me my qualification sealed up in form of a letter directed to the commissioners, which qualification I must deliver to the secretary of the board, who would open it in my presence, and read the contents. After which, I must employ my interest to be provided for as soon as possible—That the expence of his qualification for second mate of a third rate, amounted to thirteen shillings, exclusive of the warrant, which cost him half a guinea and half a crown, besides the present to the secretary, which consisted of a three pound twelve piece.—This calculation was like a thunder-bolt to me, whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve shillings—I accordingly made him acquainted with this part of my distress, after having thanked him for his information and advice.—He condoled with me on this occasion; but bid me be of good chear, for he had conceived a friendship for me, and would make all things easy.—'Tis true he was run out at present, but to-morrow or next day, he was certain of receiving a considerable sum; of which he would lend me what would be sufficient to answer my exigences. This frank declaration pleased me so much, that I pulled out my purse and emptied it before him, begging him to take what he pleased for pocket expence until he should receive his own money.—With a good deal of pressing he was prevailed upon to take five shillings, telling me that he might have what money he pleased at any time, for the trouble of going into the city; but as he had met with me, he would deser his going thither till to-morrow, when I should go along with him, and he would put me in a way of acting for myself, without a servile dependance on that rascal Cringer, much less on the lousy taylor to whom I heard him turn you over.—
"How (cried I) is Mr. Staytape a taylor?"—
"No less, I'll assure you (answer'd he) and I confess, more likely to serve you than the member: For provided you can entertain him with politics and conundrums, you may have credit with him for as many and as rich cloaths as you please."—
I told him, I was utterly ignorant of both, and so incens'd at Cringer's usage, that I would never set my foot within his door again.—After a good deal more conversation, my new acquaintance and I parted, having made an appointment to meet next day at the same place, in order to set out for the city.—I went immediately to Strap, and related every thing which had happen'd, but he did not at all approve of my being so forward to lend money to a stranger, especially as we had been already so much impos'd upon by appearances.
"However, (said he) if you are sure he is a Scotchman, I believe you are safe."
CHAP. XVI.
My new acquaintance breaks an appointment—I proceed, by myself, to the Navy-Office—address myself to a Person there, who assists me with his advice—I write to the board—they grant me a letter to the Surgeons at the Hall—I am inform'd of the beau's name and character—I find him—he makes me his confident in an amour—desires me to pawn my linen, for his occasions—I recover what I lent him—some curious observations of Strap on that occasion—his vanity.
IN the morning I got up and went to the place of rendezvous, where I waited two hours in vain; and was so exasperated against him for breaking his appointment, that I set out for the city by myself, in hopes of finding the villain, and being reveng'd on him for his perfidy.—At length I found myself at the Navy-Office, which I entered, and saw crowds of young fellows walking below; many of whom made no better appearance than myself—I consulted the physiognomy of each, and at last made up to one whose countenance I lik'd; and ask'd, if he could instruct me in the form of the letter which was to be sent to the board, to obtain an order for examination: He answered me in broad Scotch, that he would shew me the copy of what he had wrote for himself, by the direction of another who knew the form: And accordingly pulled it out of his pocket for my perusal; and told me, that if I was expeditious, I might send it in to the board before dinner, for they did no business in the afternoon. He then went with me to a coffee-house hard by, where I wrote the letter, which was immediately delivered to the messenger; who told me, I might expect an order to-morrow about the same time.—Having transacted this piece of business, my mind was a good deal compos'd; and as I had met with so much civility from this stranger, I desired further acquaintance with him, fully resolved however, not to be deceived by him so much to my prejudice as I had been by the beau—He agreed to dine with me at the cook's shop which I frequented; and on our way thither, carried me to 'Change, where I was in some hopes of finding Mr. Jackson (for that was the name of the person who had broke his appointment)—I sought him there to no purpose, and on our way to the other end of the town, imparted to my companion his behaviour towards me: Upon which, he gave me to understand, that he was no stranger to the name of beau Jackson (so he was called at the Navy-Office) altho' he did not know him personally; that he had the character of a good-natur'd careless fellow, who made no scruple of borrowing from any body that would lend; that most people who knew him, believed he had a good enough principle at the bottom; but his extravagance was such, he would probably never have it in his power to manifest the honesty of his intention.—This account made me sweat for my five shillings, which I nevertheless did not altogether despair of recovering, provided I could find out the debtor.—This young man likewise added another circumstance of 'Squire Jackson's history, which was, that being destitute of all means to equip him for sea, when he receiv'd his last warrant, he had been recommended to a person who lent him a little money, after he had signed a will and power, entitling that person to lift his wages when they should become due, as also to inherit his effects in case of his death.—That he was still under the tutorage and direction of that gentleman, who advanced him small sums from time to time upon this security, at the rate of 50
per cent.
But at present his credit was very low, because his funds would do little more than pay what he had already receiv'd; this moderate interest included.—After the stranger (whose name was Thomson) had entertain'd me with this account of Jackson, he inform'd me, that he himself had passed for a third mate of a third rate, about four months ago; since which time, he had constantly attended at the Navy-Office, in hopes of a warrant, having been assur'd from the beginning, both by a Scotch member and one of the commissioners to whom the member recommended him, that he should be put into the first vacancy; notwithstanding which promise, he had had the mortification to see six or seven appointed in the same station almost every week—that now being utterly impoverish'd, his sole hope consisted in the promise of a friend lately come to town, to lend him a small matter, for a present to the s—t—y; without which he was persuaded he might wait a thousand years to no purpose.—I conceived a mighty liking for this young fellow, which (I believe) proceeded from the similitude of our fortunes: We spent the whole day together; and as he lived at Wapping. I desir'd him to take a share of my bed.—Next day we returned to the Navy-Office, where, after being called before the board and question'd about the place of my nativity and education, they order'd a letter to be made out for me, which, upon paying half a crown to the clerk, I receiv'd, and deliver'd into the hands of the clerk at Surgeon's-Hall, together with a shilling for his trouble in registering my name.—By this time my whole stock was diminished to two shillings, and I saw not the least prospect of relief, even for present subsistence, much less to enable me to pay the fees at Surgeon's-Hall for my examination, which was to happen in a fortnight.—In this state of perplexity, I consulted Strap, who assured me, he would pawn every thing he had in the world, even to his razors, before I should want: but this I absolutely rejected, telling him, I would a thousand times rather list for a soldier, of which I had some thoughts, than be any longer a burthen to him.—At the word soldier, he grew pale as death, and begged on his knees, I would think no more of that scheme.
"God preserve us all in our right wits! (cried he) would you turn soldier, and perhaps be sent abroad against the Spaniards, where you must stand and be shot at like a woodcock?—Heaven keep cold lead out of my carcass! and let me die in a bed like a christian, as all my fore-fathers have done.—What signifies all the riches and honours of this life, if one enjoys not content—And in the next, there is no respect of persons. Better be a poor honest Barber with a good conscience, and time to repent of my sins upon my death bed, than be cut off (God bless us) by a musket shot, as it were in the very flower of one's age, in the pursuit of riches and fame.—What signifies riches (my dear friend!) do they not make unto themselves wings, as the wise-man saith; and does not Horace observe,
"
Non domus aut fundus, non aeris accrvus aut duri Aegroto domini deduxit corpore febrem, non animo curas.
—
I could moreover mention many other sayings in contempt of riches, both from the bible and other good books; but as I know you are not very fond of these things, I shall only assure you, that if you take on to be a soldier, I will do the same; and then if we should both be slain, you will not only have your own blood to answer for, but mine also: And peradventure the lives of all those whom we shall kill in battle.—Therefore I pray you, consider whether you will sit down contented with small things, and share the fruits of my industry in peace, 'till providence shall send better tidings; or by your despair, plunge both our souls and bodies into everlasting perdition, which God of his infinite mercy forbid."—
I could not help smiling at this harangue, which was delivered with great earnestness, the tears standing in his eyes all the time; and promised to do nothing of that sort without his consent and concurrence.—He was much comforted with this declaration; and told me, in a few days he should receive a week's wages which should be at my service, but advised me in the mean time, to go in quest of Jackson, and recover, if possible, what he had borrow'd of me.—I accordingly trudg'd about from one end of the town to the other, for several days, without being able to learn any thing certain concerning him: And, one day, being extreamly hungry and allur'd by the steams that regal'd my nostrils from a boiling cellar, I went down with an intention to gratify my appetite with two-penny worth of beef; when, to my no small surprize, I found Mr. Jackson sitting at dinner with a footman—He no sooner perceiv'd me than he got up, and shook me by the hand, saying,
"He was glad to see me, for he intended to have call'd at my lodgings in the afternoon."—
I was so well pleas'd with this rencounter, and the apologies he made for not keeping his appointment, that I forgot my resentment, and sat down to dinner, with the happy expectation of not only recovering my own money before we should part, but also reaping the benefit of his promise to lend me wherewithal to pass examination; and this my sanguine complexion suggested, notwithstanding the account Thompson gave me of him, ought to have taught me better.—When we had feasted sumptuously, he took his leave of the footman, and adjourned with me to an ale-house hard by, where after shaking me by the hand again, he began thus,
"I suppose you think me a sad dog, Mr. Random, and I do confess that appearances are against me—but I dare say you will forgive me when I tell you, my not coming at the time appointed, was owing to a peremptory message, I receiv'd from a certain lady, whom—harkee (but this is a great secret) I am to marry very soon—You think this strange perhaps, but it is not less true for all that—a five thousand pounder, I'll assure you, besides expectations—For my own part, devil take me if I know what any woman can see engaging about me—but a whim you know,—and then one would not baulk one's good fortune—You saw that footman who din'd with us—he's one of the honestest fellows that ever wore livery—You must know, it was by his means, I was introduced to her, for he made me first acquainted with her woman, who is his mistress—ay, many a crown has he and his sweet-heart had of my money—but what of that! things are now brought to a bearing.—I have—(come a little this way) I have propos'd marriage, and the day is fix'd—she's a charming creature! and writes like an angel—O lord! she can repeat all the English tragedies as well as e'er a player in Drury-Lane; and indeed is so fond of plays, that to be near the stage, she has taken lodgings in a court hard by the theatre—But you shall see—you shall see—here's the last letter she sent me."—
With these words he put it into my hand, and I read (to the best of my remembrance as follows:
Dire creatur,
AS you are the animable hopjack of my contempleshons, your aydear is constantanously skimming before my kimmerical fansie, when morfeus sheds illeusinary puppies upon the I's of dreeming mortels; and when lustroos febus shines from his kotidian throne: Wheerpon, I shall consceif old whorie time has lost his pinners, as also cubit his harrows, until thou enjoy sweet slumbrs in the lovesick harrums of thy faithful to commend 'till death.
CLAYRENDER.
Vingar-yard Droory-lane,
January 12th.
While I was reading, he seemed to be in an extasy, rubbing his hands, and bursting out into fits of laughter; at last he caught hold of my hand, and squeezing it, cried out,
"There is stile for you! what do you think of this billet doux?"
I answer'd,
"It might be sublime for aught I knew, for it was altogether above my comprehension."—
"O ho! (said he) I believe it is—both tender and sublime—she's a divine creature! and so doats upon me!—Let me see—what shall I do with this money, when I have once got it into my hands?—In the first place I shall do for you—I'm a man of few words—but, say no more—that's determin'd—Whether would you advise me to purchase some post, by which I may rise in the state; or lay out my wife's fortune in land, and retire to the country at once?"
I gave my opinion without hesitation, that he could not do better than buy an estate and improve it; especially since he had already seen so much of the world. Then I launch'd out into the praises of a country life, as describ'd by the poets whose works I had read—He seem'd to relish my advice, but withal told me, that although he had seen a great deal of the world both at land and sea, having cruiz'd three whole months in the channel, yet he should not be satisfied until he had visited France, which he propos'd to do before he should settle; and to carry his wife along with him.—I had nothing to object to his proposal; and ask'd him, how soon he hop'd to be happy.—
"As to that (replied he) nothing obstructs my happiness, but the want of a little ready cash—for you must know, my friend in the city has gone out of town for a week or two; and I unfortunately missed my pay at Broad-street, by being detain'd too long by the dear charmer—but there will be a recal at Chatham next week, whither the ship's books are sent, and I have commission'd a friend in that place to receive the money."—
"If that be all (said I) there's no great harm in deferring your marriage a few days."—
"Yes, faith! but there is (replied he) you don't know how many rivals I have, who would take all advantages against me—I would not baulk the impatience of her passion for the world—the least appearance of coldness and indifference would ruin all: and such offers don't occur every day."
I acquiesc'd in this observation, and enquir'd how he intended to proceed: At this he rubb'd his chin, and said,
"Why, truly I must be oblig'd to some friend or other—do you know nobody that would lend me a small sum for a day or two?"—
I assur'd him, I was such an utter stranger in London, that I did not believe I could borrow a guinea, if my life depended upon it.—
"No (said he) that's hard—that's hard—I wish I had any thing to pawn upon my soul! you have got excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt) how many shirts of that kind have you got?"—
I answer'd,
"six ruffled and six plain."—
At which
testified great surprize, and swore that no gentleman ought to have more than four—
"How many d'ye think I have got (continued he;) but this and another as I hope to be sav'd!—I dare say we shall be able to raise a good firm out of your superfluity—let me see—let me see—each of these shirts are worth eighteen shillings at a moderate computation—now suppose we pawn them for half price—eight times eight is sixty-four, that's three pound four—z—ds! it will do—give me your hand."—
"Softly, softly, Mr. Jackson (said I) don't dispose of my linen without my consent: first pay me the crown you owe me, and then we shall talk of other matters."—
He protested he had not above one shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out of the first money raised from the shirts—This piece of assurance incensed me so much, that I swore I would not part with him until I had received satisfaction for what I had lent him, and as for the shirts I would not pawn one of them to save him from the gallows.—At this expression he laughed aloud, and then complained, it was damned hard, that I should refuse him a trifle, that would infallibly enable him not only to make his own fortune, but mine also.—
"You talk of pawning my shirts (said I) what would you think of selling this hanger, Mr. Jackson? I believe it would fetch a good round sum."—
"No, hang it (said he) I can't appear decently without my hanger, or by G—d it should go."—
However, seeing me inflexible with regard to my linen, he at length unbuckled his hanger, and shewing me the sign of three blue balls, desired me to carry it thither and pawn it for two guineas.—This office I would by no means have performed, had I seen any likelihood of having my money otherwise; but not willing, out of a piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only opportunity I should, perhaps, ever have, I ventured into a pawn-broker's shop, where I demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas Williams.—
"Two guineas, (said the pawn-broker, looking at the hanger) this piece of goods has been here several times before, for thirty shillings; however, since I believe the gentleman to whom it belongs will redeem it, he shall have what he wants;"
and accordingly he paid me the money, which I carried to the house where I had left Jackson, and calling for change, I counted out to him seven and thirty shillings, reserving the other five for myself.—After looking at the money some time, he said,
"D—n it! it don't signify—this won't do my business; so you may as well take half a guinea or a whole one, as the five shillings you have kept."—
I thanked him kindly, but refused to accept of any more than was my due, because I had no prospect of repaying it.—Upon which he stared in my face, and told me, I was excessively raw, or I would not talk in that manner.—
"Blood! (cried he) I have a very bad opinion of a young fellow who won't borrow of his friend, when he's in want—'tis the sign of a speaking spirit.—Come, come, Random, give me back the five shillings, and take this half guinea, and if ever you are able to pay me, I believe you will; if not, d—n me, if ever I ask it."—
When I reflected on my present necessity, I suffered myself to be persuaded, and after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, who offered to treat me with a play, I returned to my lodgings with a much better opinion of this gentleman than I had in the morning: and at night, imparted my day's adventure to Strap, who rejoiced at my good luck, saying,
"I told you, if he was a Scotchman you was safe enough—and who knows but this marriage may make us all.—You have heard, I suppose, as how a countryman of ours, a journeyman baker, run away with a great lady of this town, and now keeps his coach—Ecod! I say nothing; but yesterday morning as I was shaving a gentleman at his own house, there was a young lady in the room—a fine buxom wench, i' faith! and she threw so many sheep's eyes at a certain person, whom I shall not name, that my heart went knock, knock, knock, like a fulling mill, and my hand sh—sh—shook so much that I sliced a piece of skin off the gentleman's nose; whereby he swore a deadly oath, and was going to horsewhip me, when she prevented him, and made my peace.—
Omen haud malum!
Is not a journeyman barber as good as a journeyman baker? The only difference is, the baker uses flour for the belly, and the barber uses it for the head: and as the head is a more noble member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a baker—for what's the belly without the head?—Besides, I am told he could neither read nor write; now you know I can do both: And moreover speak Latin.—But I will say no more, for I despise vanity—nothing is more vain than vanity."—
With these words he pulled out of his pocket a wax candle's end, which he applied to his forehead; and upon examination, I found he had combed his own hair over the toupee of his wig, and was indeed in his whole dress become a very smart shaver.—I congratulated him on his prospect with a satirical smile, which he understood very well; and shaking his head, observed I had very little faith, but the truth would come to light in spite of my incredulity.
CHAP. XVII.
I go to Surgeon's-hall, where I meet with Mr. Jackson—I am examined—a fierce dispute arises between two of the examiners—Jackson disguises himself to attract respect—is detected—in hazard of being sent to Bridewell—he treats us at a tavern—carries us to a night-house a troublesome adventure there—we are committed to the Round house—carried before a justice—his behaviour.
WITH the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all the money he earned, I preserved my half guinea entire, till the day of examination, when I went with a trembling heart to Surgeon's-hall, in order to undergo that ceremony.—Among a croud of young fellows who walked in the outward hall. I perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I immediately went up, and enquiring into the state of his amour, understood it was still undetermined by reason of his friend's absence, and the delay of the recal at Chatham, which put it out of his power to bring it to a conclusion.—I then asked what his business was in this place; to which he replied, he was resolved to have two-strings to his bow, that in case the one
iled he might use the other; and with this view, he was to pass that night for a higher qualification.—At that instant a young fellow came out from the place of examination, with a pale countenance, his lip quivering, and his looks as wild as if he had seen a ghost.—He no sooner appeared, than we all flocked about him with the utmost eagerness to know what reception he had met with; which (after some pause) he described, recounting all the questions they had asked, with the answers he made. In this manner, we obliged no less than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past, they did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot: At length the beadle called my name, with a voice that made me tremble, as much as if it had been the last trumpet: However, there was no remedy, I was conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a dozen of grim faces sitting at a long table. One of whom bid me come forward in such an imperious tone, that I was actually for a minute or two bereft of my senses.—The first question he put to me was,
"Where was you born?"
To which I answered, In Scotland.—
"In Scotland (said he) I know that very well—we have scarce any other countrymen to examine here—you Scotchmen have overspread us of late as the locusts did Egypt:—I ask you in what part of Scotland was you born?"—
I named the place of my nativity, which he had never before heard of: He then proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town where I served my time, with the term of my apprenticeship; and when I had informed him that I served three years only, he fell into a violent passion; swore it was a shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the world as surgeons; that it was great presumption in me, and an affront upon the English, to pretend to sufficient skill in my business, having served so short a time, when every apprentice in England was bound seven years at least;—that my friends had done better if they had made me a weaver or shoemaker, but their pride would have me a gentleman (he supposed) at any rate, and their poverty could not afford the necessary education.—This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my spirits, but on the contrary, reduced me to such a situation that I was scarce able to stand; which being perceived by a plump gentleman, who sat opposite to me, with a skull before him, he said Mr. Snarler was too severe upon the young man; and turning towards me, told me, I need not be afraid, for no body would do me any harm; then bidding me take time to recollect myself, he examined me touching the operation of the trepan, and was very well satisfied with my answers.—The next person who questioned me was a wag, who began by asking me if I had ever seen amputation performed; to which I replying in the affirmative, he shook his head and said,
"What! upon a dead subject, I suppose? If (continued he) during an engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you with his head shot off, how would you behave?"—
After some hesitation, I owned, such a case had never come under my observation; neither did I remember to have seen any method of cure proposed for such an accident, in any of the systems of surgery I had perused. Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness of the question, I know not, but every member at the board deigned to smile, except Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of the
animal risibile
in his constitution. —The facetious member, encouraged by the success of his last joke, went on thus:
"Suppose you was called to a patient of a plethoric habit, who had been bruised by a fall, what would you do?"
I answered, I would bleed him immediately.
"What, (said he) before you tied up his arm?"—
But this stroke of wit not answering his expectation, he desired me to advance to the gentleman who sat next him; and who with a pert air, asked what method of cure I would follow in wounds of the intestines.—I repeated the method of cure as it is prescribed by the best chirurgical writers; which he heard to an end, and then said with a supercilious smile.
"So, you think with such treatment the patient might recover?"—
I told him I saw nothing to make me think otherwise.—
"That may be (resumed he) I won't answer for your foresight;—but did you ever know a case of this kind succeed?"
I acknowledged I did not; and was about to tell him I had never seen a wounded intestine; but he stopt me, by saying with some precipitation,
"Nor never will.—I affirm, that all wounds of the intestines, whether great or small, are mortal."—
"Pardon me, brother (says the fat gentleman) there is very good authority"—
Here he was interrupted by the other, with
"Sir, excuse me, I despise all authority.—
Nullius in verba.
—I stand upon my own bottom."—
"But Sir, Sir, (replied his antagonist) the reason of the thing shews"—
"A fig for reason (cried this sufficient member) I laugh at reason, give me ocular demonstration."—
The corpulent gentleman began to wax warm, and observed that no man acquainted with the anatomy of the parts, would advance such an extravagant assertion.—This
inuendo
enraged the other so much, that he started up, and in a furious tone exclaimed:
"What Sir! do you question my knowledge in anatomy?"—
By this time, all the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or other of the disputants, and raised their voices all together, when the chairman commanded silence and ordered me to withdraw. In less than a quarter of an hour, I was called in again, and received my qualification sealed up, and was ordered to pay five shillings.—I laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and stood some time, until one of them bid me begone; to this I replied, I will, when I have got my change; upon which another threw me five shillings and six-pence, saying, I would not be a true Scotchman if I went away without my change. I was afterwards obliged to give three shillings and six-pence to the beadles, and a shilling to an old woman who swept the hall: This disbursement sunk my finances to thirteen pence half-penny, with which I was sneaking off, when Jackson perceiving it, came up to me, and begged I would tarry for him and he would accompany me to the other end of the town, as soon as his examination should be over. I could not refuse this to a person that was so much my friend; but I was astonished at the change of his dress, which was varied in half an hour from what I have already described, to a very grotesque fashion.—His head was covered with an old smoaked tye-wig that did not boast one crooked hair, and a sloutched hat over it, which would have very well become a chimney-sweeper or a dust-man;—his neck was adorned with a black crape, the ends of which he had twisted, and fixed in the button-hole of a shabby great coat that wrapped up his whole body; his white silk stockings were converted into black worsted hose; and his countenance was rendered venerable by wrinkles, and a beard of his own painting.—When I expressed my surprize at this metamorphosis, he laughed, and told me, it was done by the advice and assistance of a friend who lived over the way, and would certainly produce something very much to his advantage; for it gave him the appearance of age, which never fails of attracting respect. I applauded his sagacity, and waited with impatience, for the effects of it. At length he was called in, but whether the odness of his appearance excited a curiosity more than usual in the board, or his behaviour was not suitable to his figure, I know not, he was discovered to be an impostor, and put into the hands of the beadle, in order to be sent to Bridewell. So that instead of seeing him come out with a chearful countenance, and a surgeon's qualification in his hand, I perceived him led through the outward hall as a prisoner; and was very much alarmed and anxious to know the occasion; when he called with a lamentable voice and piteous aspect, to me, and some others who knew him;
"For God's sake, gentlemen, bear witness that I am the same individual John Jackson, who served as surgeon's second mate on board the Elizabeth, or else I shall go to Bridewell."—
It would have been impossible for the most austere hermit that ever lived, to have refrained from laughing at his appearance and address; we therefore indulged ourselves a good while at his expence, and afterwards pleaded his cause so effectually with the beadle, who was gratified with half a crown, that the prisoner was dismissed; and in a few moments resumed his former gaiety;—swearing, since the board had refused his money, he would spend it every shilling before he went to bed in treating his friends; at the same time inviting us all to favour him with our company.—It was now ten o' clock at night, and as I had a great way to walk in a town where I was a stranger, I was prevailed upon to be of their party, in hopes he would afterwards accompany me to my lodgings, which he faithfully promised.—He carried us to his friend's house, who kept a tavern over the way, where we remained drinking punch, until the liquor mounted up to our heads, and made us all extremely frolicksome: I, in particular was so much elevated, that nothing would serve me but a wench, at which Jackson expressed much joy, and assured me I should have my desire before we parted.—Accordingly, when he had paid the reckoning we sallied out, roaring and singing; and were conducted by our leader to a place of nocturnal entertainment, where I immediately attached myself to a fair one, with whom I proposed to spend the remaining part of the night; but she not relishing my appearance, refused to grant my request before I had made her an acknowledgment, which not suiting my circumstances we broke off our correspondence, to my no small mortification and resentment, because I thought the mercenary creature had not done justice to my merit.—In the mean time, Mr. Jackson's dress had attracted the inclinations and assiduities of two or three nymphs, who loaded him with caresses, in return for the arrack punch with which he treated them; till at length, notwithstanding the sprightly sallies of these charmers, sleep began to exert his power over us all: and our conductor called,
"To pay."
When the bill was brought, which amounted to twelve shillings, he put his hand in his pocket, but might have saved himself the trouble, for his purse was gone.—This accident disconcerted him a good deal at first, but after some recollection he seized the two Dulcineas, who sat by him, one in each hand; and swore if they did not immediately restore his money, he would charge a constable with them.—The good lady at the bar seeing what passed, whispered something to the drawer, who went out; and then with great composure, asked what was the matter?—Jackson told her he was robbed, and if she refused him satisfaction, he would have her and her whores committed to Bridewell.—
"Robbed (cried she) robbed, in my house! gentlemen and ladies I take you all to witness, this person has scandalized my reputation."—
At that instant, seeing the constable and watch enter, she went on,
"What! you must not only endeavour by your false aspersions to ruin my character; but even commit an assault against my family? Mr. Constable, I charge you with this uncivil person, who has been guilty of a riot here, I shall take care and bring an action against him for desamation."—
While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me quite sober, the lady whose favours I had solicited, being piqued at some repartee that passed between us, cried,
"They are all concerned;"
and desired the constable to take us all into custody, which was performed instantly, to the utter astonishment and despair of us all, except Jackson, who having been often in such scrapes was very little concerned, and charged the constable in his turn, with the landlady and her whole bevy: Upon which we were carried all together prisoners to the round-house; where Jackson (after a word of comfort to us) informed the constable of his being robbed, to which he said he would swear next morning before the justice.—
"Ay, ay, (says the bawd) we shall see whose oath will most signify."—
In a little time the constable calling Jackson into another room, spoke to him thus:
"I perceive that you and your company are strangers, and am very sorry for your being involved in such an ugly business as this is, I have known this woman a great while; she has kept a notorious house in the neighbourhood these many years; and although often complained of as a nuisance, still escapes thro' her interest with the J—t—ces, to whom she and all of her employment, pay contribution quarterly for protection.—As she charged me with you first, her complaint will have the preference, and she can procure evidence to swear whatever she shall please to desire them. So that, unless you make it up before morning, you and your companions may think yourselves happily quit for a month's hard labour in Bridewell.—Nay, if she should swear a robbery or assault against you, you will be committed to Newgate, and tried next sessions at the Old-Baily for your life."
This last piece of information had such an effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, provided his money might be restored: The constable told him, that instead of restoring what they had stol'n, he was pretty certain, it would cost him some more before they would come to any composition.—But however, he had compassion on him, and would, if he pleased, sound them about a mutual release.—The unfortunate beau thanked him for his friendship, and returned to us, where he acquainted us with the substance of this dialogue; while the constable desiring to speak in private with our adversary, carried her into the next room, and pleaded our cause so effectually, that she condescended to make him umpire: He accordingly proposed an arbitration, to which we gave our assent; and he fined each party in three shillings to be laid out in a bowl or punch, wherein we drowned all animosities, to the inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances and me, who had been in the state of the damned ever since Jackson mentioned Bridewell and Newgate.—By the time we had finished our bowl, to which, by the by, I had contributed my last shilling, it was morning; and I proposed to move homeward, when the constable gave me to understand, he could discharge no prisoners but by order of the justice, before whom we must appear.—This renewed my regret, and I coursed the hour in which I had yielded to Jackson's invitation.—About nine a-clock we were escorted to the house of a certain justice not many miles distant from Covent-Garden; who no sooner saw the constable enter with a train of prisoners at his heels, than he saluted him as follows:
"So, Mr. Constable, you are a diligent man—what den of rogues have you been scouring?"
Then looking at us, who appeared with a dejected air, he continued,
"Ay, ay, thieves, I see—old offenders—O your humble servant, Mrs. Harridan! I suppose these fellows have been taken robbing your house—yes, yes, here's an old acquaintance of mine—you have used expedition (said he to me) in returning from transportation; but we shall save you that trouble for the future—the surgeons will fetch you from your next transportation at their expence."
I assured his worship he was mistaken in me, for he had never seen me in his life before.—To this he replied,
"How, you impudent rascal, dare you say so to my face? Do you think I am to be imposed upon by that northern accent which you have assumed? but it shan't avail you—you shall find me too far north for you.—Here, clerk, write this fellow's
mittimus
—His name is Patrick Gaghagan."—
Here Mr. Jackson interposed, and told him, I was a Scotchman lately come to town, descended of a good family, and that my name was Random.—The justice looked upon this declaration as an outrage against his memory, on which he valued himself much; and strutting up to Jackson, with a fierce countenance, put his hands in his sides, and said,
"Who are you, Sir?—Do you give me the lie?—Take notice, gentlemen, here's a fellow who affronts me upon the bench—but I'll lay you fast, sirrah, I will—for notwithstanding your laced jacket, I believe you are a notorious felon."—
My friend was so much abashed at this menace, which was thundered out with great vociferation, that he changed colour, and remained speechless—This his worship took for a symptom of guilt, and to compleat the discovery continued his threats.—
"Now, I am convinced you are a thief,—your face discovers it—you tremble all over—your conscience won't lie still—you will be hang'd, sirrah (raising his voice) you will be hanged, and happy had it been for the world, as well as your own miserable soul, if you had been detected and cut off in the beginning of your career.—Come hither, clerk, and take this man's confession."—
I was in an agony of consternation, when the constable going into another room with his worship, acquainted him with the truth of the story: upon which he returned with a smiling countenance, and addressing himself to us all, said, it was always his way to terrify young people, when they came before him, that his threats might make a strong impression on their minds, and deterr them from engaging in scenes of riot and debauchery which commonly ended before the judge.—Thus having cloaked his own want of discernment, under the disguise of paternal care, we were dismissed, and I found myself as much lightened as if a mountain had been lifted from off my breast.
CHAP. XVIII.
I carry my qualifications to the navy-office—the nature of it—the behaviour of the s—t—y—Strap's concern for my absence—a battle betwixt him and a blacksmith—the troublesome consequences of it—his harrangue to me—his friend the school-master recommends me to a French apothecary, who entertains me as a journeyman.
I Would willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by my companions, that we must deliver our letters of qualification at the navyoffice before one a-clock; upon which we repaired thither, and gave them to the s—t—y, who opened and read them, and I was mightily pleased to find myself qualified for second mate of a third rate. When he had stuck them all together on a file, one of our company asked if there were any vacancies; to which he answered, No. Then I ventured to enquire if any ships were to be put in commission soon.—At which he surveyed me with a look of ineffable contempt, and pushing us out of his office, locked the door without deigning us one word.—We went down stairs and conferred together on our expectations, when I understood that each of them had been recommended to one or other of the commissioners; and each of them promised the first vacancy that should fall; but that none of them relied solely upon that interest, without a present to the s—t—y, with whom the c—mm—rs went snacks.—For which reason each had provided a small purse; and I was asked what I proposed to give?—This was a vexatious question to me, who (so far from being in a capacity to gratify a ravenous s—t—y) had not wherewithal to buy me a dinner.—I therefore answered, I had not determined yet what to give; and sneaked off towards my own lodging, cursing my fate all the way, and inveighing with much bitterness against the barbarity of my grandfather, and the sordid avarice of my relations, who left me a prey to contempt and indigence.—Full of these disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house where I lodged, and relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my account; for this honest man believed I had met with some dismal accident, and that he should never see me again.—Strap, who had been to see me in the morning, understanding I had been abroad all night, was almost distracted, and after having obtained leave of his master, had gone in quest of me, though he was even more ignorant of the town than I. Not being willing to inform my landlord of my adventure, I told him, I had met an acquaintance at Surgeon's-hall, with whom I spent the evening and night, but being very much infested by bugs, I had not slept much, and therefore intended to take a little repose: so saying, I went to bed and desired to be awakened if Strap happened to come while I should be asleep.—I was accordingly roused by my friend himself, who entered my chamber about three a-clock in the afternoon; and presented a figure to my eyes, that I could scarce believe real.—In short, this affectionate shaver, setting out towards Surgeon's-hall, had enquired for me there to no purpose; from thence he found his way to the navy-office, where he he could hear no tidings of me, because I was unknown to every body then present; he afterwards went upon Change in hopes of seeing me upon the Scotch walk; but without any success: At last, being almost in dispair of finding me, he resolved to ask every body he met in the street, if perchance any one could give him information about me: and actually put his resolution in practice, in spite of the scoffs, curses and reproaches with which he was answered; until a blacksmith's 'prentice, seeing him stop a porter with a burden on his back, and hearing his question, for which he received a hearty curse, called to him, and asked if the person he enquired after was not a Scotchman?—Strap replied with great eagerness,
"Yes, and had on a brown coat with long skirts."—
"The same (said the blacksmith) I saw him pass about an hour ago."—
"Did you so? (cried Strap, rubbing his hands) Odd! I am very glad of that—which way went he?"—
"Towards Tyburn in a cart, (said he) if you make good speed, you may get thither time enough to see him hanged."—
This piece of wit incensed my friend to such a degree, that he called the blacksmith scoundrel, and protested he would fight him for half a farthing—
"No, no, (said the other, stripping) I'll have none of your money—you Scotchmen seldom carry any about you—but I'll fight you for love."—
There was a ring immediately formed by the mob; and Strap finding he could not get off honourably without fighting, at the same time burning with resentment against his adversary, quitted his cloaths to the care of the multitude, and the battle began with great violence on the side of Strap, who in a few minutes exhausted his breach and spirits on his patient antagonist, who sustained the assault with great coolness, till finding the barber quite spent, he returned the blows he had lent him, with such interest, that Strap, after having received three falls on the hard stones, gave out, and allowed the blacksmith to be the better man.—The victory being thus decided, it was proposed to adjourn to a cellar hard by and drink friends.—But when my friend began to gather up his cloaths, he perceived that some honest person or other had made free with his shirt, neckcloath, hat and wig, which were carried off; and probably his coat and waistcoat would have met with the same fate, had they been worth the stealing.—It was in vain for him to make a noise, which only yielded mirth to the spectators; he was fain to get off in this manner, which he accomplished with much difficulty, and appeared before me, all besmeared with blood and dirt.—Notwithstanding this misfortune, such was his transport at finding me safe and sound, that he had almost stifled and stunk me to death with his embraces.—After he had cleaned himself and put on one of my shirts, and a woolen night-cape instead of hat and wig; I recounted to him the particulars of my night's campaign, which filled him with admiration, and made him repeat with great energy an observation which was often in his mouth,
viz.
"London is the devil's drawing room."—
As neither of us had dined, he desired me to get up, and the milk-woman coming round at that instant, he went down stairs and brought up a quart, with a penny brick, on which we made a comfortable meal. He then shared his money with me, which amounted to eighteen-pence, and left me, with an intention to borrow an old wig and hat of his friend the school-master.
He was no sooner gone, than I began to consider my situation with great uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination could suggest, in order to chuse and pursue some one that would procure me bread; for it is impossible to express the pangs I felt, when I reflected on the miserable dependance in which I lived, at the expence of a poor barber's boy.—My pride took the alarm, and having no hopes of succeeding at the navy-office, I came to a resolution of enlisting in the foot guards next day,
coute qui coute.
—This extravagant design, by flattering my disposition, gave great satisfaction, and I was charging the enemy at the head of my own regiment, when Strap's return interrupted my reverie.—The school-master had made him a present of the tye-wig which he wore when I was introduced to him, together with an old hat, whose brims would have overshadowed a Colossus.—Though Strap had ventured to wear them in the dusk, he did not chuse to entertain the mob by day; therefore went to work immediately and reduced them both to a moderate size. While he was employed in this manner, he addressed me thus:—
"To be sure, Mr. Random, you are born a gentleman, and have a great deal of learning—and indeed look like a gentleman, for as to person you may hold up your head with the best of them.—On the other hand, I am a poor, but honest cobler's son—my mother was as industrious a woman as ever broke bread, 'till such time as she took to drinking, which you very well know—but every body has failings—
humanum est errare.
—Now for myself I am a poor journeyman barber, tolerably well made, and understand some Latin, and have a smattering of Greek—but what of that? perhaps I might also say that I know a little of the world—but that is not to the purpose—though you be gentle and I simple, it does not follow but that I who am simple may do a good office to you who are gentle.—Now this is the case—my kinsman the school-master—perhaps you did not know, how nearly he is related to me—I'll satisfy you in that presently—his mother and my grandfather's sister's nephew—no, that's not it—my grandfather's brother's daughter—rabbit it! I have forgot the degree—but this I know, he and I are cousins seven times removed."—
My impatience to know the good office he had done me, got the better of my temper, and I interrupted him at this place, with,
"D—n your relation and pedigree,—if the school-master or you can be of any advantage to me, why don't you tell it, without all this preamble."—
When I pronounced these words with some vehemence, Strap looked at me for some time with a grave countenance, and then went on:
"Surely, our pedigree is not to be d—n'd, because it is not so noble as yours.—I am very sorry to see such an alteration in your temper of late—you was always fiery, but now you are grown as crabbed as old Periwinkle the drunken tinker, on whom you and I (God forgive us) plaid so many unlucky tricks, while we were at school;—but I will no longer detain you in suspence, because (doubtless) nothing is more uneasy than doubt—
dubio procul dubio nil dubius.
—My friend, or relation, or which you will, or both, the school-master, being informed of the regard I have for you—for you may be sure, I did not fail to let him know your good qualities—by the by, he has undertaken to teach you the pronounciation of the Englishtongue, without which (he says) you will be unfit for business in this country.—I say, my relation has spoke in your behalf to a French apothecary who wants a journeyman; and on his recommendation, you may have fifteen pounds
per
year, bed and board, whenever you please."—
I was too much interested in this piece of news to entertain it with indifference; but jumping up, I insisted on Strap's accompanying me immediately to the house of his friend, that I might not lose this opportunity through the least delay or neglect on my part.—We were informed that the school-master was in company at a public house in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and found him drinking with the very individual apothecary in question. When he was called to the door at our desire, and observed my impatience, he broke out in his usual term of admiration:
"O Ch—st! I suppose when you heard of this offer, you did not take leisure enough to come down stairs, but leapt out of the window; did you overturn no porter nor oyster-woman in your way?—It was a mercy of God you did not knock your brains out against some post in your career.—O' my conscience! I believe had I been in the inmost recesses of my habitation,—the very
penetralia,
—even in bed with my wife; your eagerness would have surmounted bolts, bars, decency and every thing.—The den of Cacus, or
Sancti sanctorum
could not have hid me from you. But come along, the gentleman of whom I spoke is in the house, I will present you to him forthwith."—
When I entered the room, I perceived four or five people smoaking, one of whom the school-master accosted thus:—
"Mr: Lavement, here is the young man of whom I spoke to you."—
The apothecary, who was a little old withered man, with a forehead about an inch high, a nose turned up at the end, large check bones that helped to form a pit for his little grey eyes, a great bag of loose skin hanging down on each side in wrinkles, like the alforjas of a baboon; and a mouth so accustomed to that contraction which produces grinning, that he could not pronounce a syllable without discovering the remains of his teeth, which consisted of four yellow fangs, not improperly by anatomists, called
canine.
—This person (I say) after having eyed me sometime; said,
"Oho, 'tis ver well, Mons. Concordance;—yong man, you are ver welcome, take one coup of bierre.—and come to mine house to-marrow morning, Mons. Concordance vil shew you de way."—
Upon this I made my bow, and as I went out of the room, could hear him say,
Ma foy! ce'st un beau garçon, ce'st un galliard.
—As I had by my own application while I served Crab, acquired the French tongue well enough to read authors written in that language, and understand any thing that occurred in conversation, I determined to pretend ignorance to my new master, that he and his family, whom I supposed to be of the same country, not being on the reserve before me, might possibly discover something in discourse, which would either yield me amusement or advantage.—Next morning Mr. Concordance carried me to the apothecary's house, where the bargain was made, and orders given to provide an apartment for me immediately.—But before I entered upon business, the school-master recommended me to his taylor who gave me credit for a suit of cloaths to be paid out of the first moiety of my wages, and they were begun that very day; he afterwards accommodated me with a new hat, on the same terms; so that in a few days, I hoped to make a very fashionable appearance.—In the mean time, Strap conveyed my baggage to the place allotted for me, which was a back room up two pair of stairs, furnished with a pallet for me to lie upon, a chair without a back, an earthen chamber-pot without a handle, a bottle by way of candlestick, and a triangular piece of glass instead of a mirrour; the rest of its ornaments having been lately removed to one of the garrets, for the convenience of the servant of an Irish captain, who lodged in the first floor.
CHAP. XIX.
The characters of Mr. Lavement, his wife and daughter—some anecdotes of the family—the mother and daughter rivals—I am guilty of a mistake that gives me present satisfaction, but is attended with troublesome consequences.
NEXT day, while I was at work in the shop, a bouncing damsel well dressed came in, on pretence of finding a vial for some use or other; and taking an opportunity when she thought I did not mind her, of observing me narrowly, went away with a silent look of disdain—I easily guessed her sentiments, and my pride took the resolution of entertaining the same indifference and neglect towards her—At dinner, the maids with whom I dined in the kitchen, gave me to understand that this was my master's only daughter, who would have a very handsome fortune, on account of which, and her beauty, a great many young gentlemen made their addresses to her—that she had been twice on the brink of marriage, but disappointed by the stinginess of her father, who refused to part with a shilling as long as he should live—for which reason the young lady did not behave to her father with all the filial veneration that might be expected: In particular, she harbour'd the most perfect hatred for his countrymen, in which disposition her mother join'd, who was an English woman; and by the hints they dropp'd, I learn'd the grey mare was the better horse—that she was a matron of a high spirit, which was often manifested at the expence of her dependants: That she lov'd diversions; and look'd upon miss as her rival in all parties; which was indeed the true cause of her disappointments; for had the mother been hearty in her interest, the father would not have ventur'd to refuse her demands.—Over and above this intelligence, I of myself, soon made more discoveries; Mr. Lavement's significant grins at his wife, while she look'd another way, convinc'd me that he was not at all content with his lot: And his behaviour in presence of the captain, made me believe his chief torment was jealousy.—As for my own part, I was consider'd in no other light than that of a menial servant, and had been already six days in the house without being honour'd with one word from either mother or daughter, the latter (as I understood from the maids) having at table one day, expressed some surprize that her papa should entertain such an aukward, mean-looking journeyman.—I was nettled at this piece of information, and next sunday, (it being my turn to take my diversion) dressed myself in my new cloaths to the greatest advantage, and, vanity apart, made no contemptible figure.—After having spent most part of the day in company with Strap and some of his acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and was let in by miss, who not knowing me, dropt a low courtesy as I advanced, which I returned with a profound bow, and shut the door—By that time I had turn'd about, she had perceiv'd her mistake, and chang'd colour, but did not withdraw. The passage being narrow, I could not get away without jostling her; so, I was forc'd to remain where I was, with my eyes fix'd on the ground, and my face glowing with blushes—At length her vanity coming to her assistance, she went away tittering, and I could hear her pronounce the word
"creature:"
From this day forward, she came into the shop fifty times every day, upon various pretences, and put in practice so many ridiculous airs, that I could easily perceive her opinion of me was chang'd, and that she did not think me altogether an unworthy conquest—But my heart was so steel'd against her charms by pride and resentment, which were two chief ingredients in my disposition, that I remain'd insensible to all her arts; and notwithstanding some advances she made, could not be prevail'd upon to yield her the least attention—This neglect soon banish'd all the favourable impressions she felt for me, and the rage of a slighted woman took place in her heart; which she manifested not only in all the suggestions her malice could invent to my prejudice with her father, but also in procuring for me such servile employments, as she hoped, would sufficiently humble my spirit. One day in particular, she order'd me to brush my master's coat, but I refusing, a smart dialogue ensued, which ended in her bursting into tears of rage; when her mother interposing, and examining into the merits of the cause, determin'd it in my favour; and this good office I ow'd not to any esteem or consideration she had for me, but solely to the desire or mortifying her daughter, who on this occasion observ'd, that let people be never so much in the right, there were some folks who would never do them justice; but to be sure, they had their reason for it, which some people were not ignorant of, although they despised their little arts.—This insinuation of some people and some folks, put me upon observing the behavuiour of my mistress more narrowly for the future; and it was not long before I had reason to believe that she look'd upon her daughter as a rival in the affections of captain Odonnell, who lodged in the house.—In the mean time my industry and knowledge gain'd me the good will of my master, who would often say in French,
"
Mardy! c'est un bon Garçon.
"
He had a great deal of business; but as he was mostly employ'd among his fellow refugees, his profits were small.—However, his expence for medicines was not great, he being the most expert man at a succedaneum, of any apothecary in London, so that I have been sometimes amaz'd to see him without the least hesitation, make up a physician's prescription, though he had not in his shop one medicine mention'd in it.—Oyster-shells he could convert into crab's eyes; common oil into oil of sweet almonds; syrup of sugar into balsamic syrup; Thames water into aqua cinnamomi; turpentine into capivi; and a hundred more costly preparations were produc'd in an instant, from the cheapest and coursest drugs of the
materia medica:
And when any common thing was order'd for a patient, he always took care to disguise it in colour or taste, or both, in such a manner, as that it could not possibly be known.—For which purpose, cochineal and oil of cloves were of great service among many nostrums which he possess'd; there was one for the venereal disease, that brought him a good deal of money; and this he conceal'd so artfully from me, that I could never learn its composition: But during the eight months I stay'd in his service, he was so unfortunate in the use of it, that three parts in four of those who took it, were fain to confirm the cure with a salivation under the direction of another doctor.—This bad success, in all appearance, attach'd him the more to his specifick; and before I left him, I may venture to say, he would have sooner renounc'd the Trinity (notwithstanding his being a good Huegonot) than his confidence in the never-sailing power of this remedy.—Mr. Lavement had attempted more than once, to introduce a vegetable diet into his family, by launching out into the praise of it, and decrying the use of flesh, both as a Physician and Philosopher; but all his rhetoric could not make one proselyte to his opinion, and even the wife of his bosom declared against the proposal.—Whether it was owing to the little regard she paid to her husband's admonition in this particular, or to the natural warmth of her constitution, I know not; but this lady's passions became every day more and more violent, till at last she look'd upon decency as an unnecessary restraint; and one afternoon, when her husband was abroad, and her daughter visiting, order'd me to call a hackney coach, in which she and the captain drove off towards Covent-Garden.—Miss came home in the evening, and supping at her usual hour, went to bed.—About eleven a clock my master enter'd, and ask'd if his wife was gone to sleep: Upon which I told him, my mistress went out in the afternoon, and was not yet return'd.—This was like a clap of thunder to the poor Apothecary, who starting back, cried
"
Mort de ma vie!
vat you tell a me?—My wife not, at home!"—
At that instant a patient's servant arriv'd with a prescription for a draught, which my master taking, went into the shop to make it up himself.—While he rubb'd the ingredients in a glass mortar, he enquir'd of me, whether or no his wife went out alone; and no sooner heard that she was in company with the captain, than with one blow he split the mortar into a thousand pieces, and grinning like the head of a bass viol, exclaim'd,
"Ah traitresse!"—
It would have been impossible for me to have preserv'd my gravity a minute longer, when I was happily reliev'd by a rap at the door, which I open'd, and perceiv'd my mistress coming out of a coach; she flounc'd immediately into the shop, and addressed her husband thus:
"I suppose you thought I was lost, my dear—Captain Odonnell has been so good as to treat me with a play."—
"Play—play (replied he) Oho! yes by gar, I believe ver prettie play."—
"Bless me! (said she) what's the matter?"—
"Vat de matter? (cried he, forgetting all his former complaisance) by gar, you be one damn dog's wife—ventre bleu! me vill show you vat it is to put one horn upon mine head. Pardieu! le capitaine Odonnell be one."—
Here the captain, who had been all the while at the door discharging the coach, entering, said with a terrible voice,
"D—mme! what am I?"—
Mr. Lavement changing his tone, immediately saluted him with,
"
Oh serviteur monsieur le capitaine, vous etes un galant homme—ma femme est fort obligée.
"—
Then turning about towards me, pronounc'd with a low voice,
"
Et diablement obligeante sans doute.
"—
"Harkee, Mr. Lavement, (said the captain) I am a man of honour, and I believe you are too much of a gentleman to be offended at the civility I shew your wife."—
This declaration had such an effect on the apothecary, that he resum'd all the politesse of a Frenchman; and with the utmost prostration of compliment, assur'd the captain that he was perfectly satisfied with the honour he had done his wife.—Matters being thus compos'd, every body went to rest.—Next day I perceiv'd thro' a glass door that open'd from the shop into a parlour, the captain talking earnestly to miss, who heard him with a look that expressed anger mingled with scorn; which however he at last found means to mollify, and seal'd his reconciliation with a kiss.—This soon convinc'd me of the occasion of the quarrel; but notwithstanding all my vigilance, I could never discover any other commerce between them.—In the mean while, I had reason to believe I had inspir'd one of the maids with tender sentiments for me; and one night when I thought every other person in the house asleep, I took the opportunity of the other maid's absence (for she had got leave to go and visit her sick father who liv'd at Richmond) to avail myself of my conquest: Accordingly I got up, and (naked as I was) explor'd my way in the dark, to the garret where she lay.—I was ravish'd to find the door open, and moved softly to her bed-side, transported with the hope of compleating my wishes.—But what horrors of jealousy and disappointment did I feel, when I found her asleep, fast locked in the arms of a man, whom I easily guessed to be no other than the captain's servant! I was upon the point of doing some rash thing, when the noise of a rat scratching behind the wainscoat, put me to flight, and I was fain to get back to my own bed in safety.—Whether this alarm had disorder'd my mind, or that I was led astray by the power of destiny, I know not; but instead of turning to the left when I descended to the second story, I persu'd the contrary course, and mistook the young lady's bed-chamber for my own. I did not perceive my mistake before I had run against the bed posts; and then it was not in my power to retreat undiscover'd: for the nymph being awake, felt my approach, and with a soft voice, bid me make less noise lest the Scotch-booby in the next room should over-hear us. This hint was sufficient to inform me of the nature of the assignation; and as my passions, at any time high, were then in a state of exaltation, I was resolved to profit by my good fortune.—Without any more ceremony therefore, I made bold to slip into bed to this charmer, who gave me as favourable a reception as I could desire.—Our conversation was very sparing on my part, but she upbraided the person whom I represented, with his jealousy of me, whom she handled so roughly, that my resentment had well nigh occasion'd a discovery more than once; but I was consoled for her hatred of me, by understanding from her own mouth, that it was now high time to salve her reputation by matrimony; for she had reason to fear she could not much longer conceal the effects of their mutual intercourse.—While I was meditating an answer to this proposal, I heard a noise in my room, like something heavy falling down upon the floor: Upon which, I started up, and creeping to the door of my chamber, observ'd by moon-light, the shadow of a man groping his way out; whereupon, I retir'd to one side to let him pass, and saw him go down stairs as expeditiously as he could.—It was an easy matter to divine that this was the captain, who having over-slept himself, had got up at last to keep his assignation; and finding my door open, had enter'd into my apartment instead of that of his mistress, where I supplied his place.—But finding his mistake, by falling over my chair, was afraid the noise might alarm the family, and for that reason made off, delaying the gratification of his desire till another opportunity.—By this time, I was satisfied; and instead of returning to the place from whence I came, retreated to my own castle, which I fortified by bolting the door; and in the congratulation of my own happiness fell asleep.—But the truth of this adventure could not be long conceal'd from my young mistress, who next day came to an eclaircisement with the captain, upon his lamenting his last night's disappointment, and begging pardon for the noise he had made.—Their mutual chagrin, when they came to the knowledge of what had happen'd, may be easily conjectur'd, though each had a peculiar grief unfelt by the other; for she was conscious of having not only betray'd to me the secrets of her commerce with him; but also, of having incensed me by the freedoms she had taken with my name, beyond a hope of reconciliation.—On the other hand, his jealousy suggested, that her sorrow was all artifice; and that I had supplied his place with her own privity and consent.—That such was the situation of their thoughts, will appear in the sequel—for that very day she came into the shop where I was alone, and fixing her eyes, swimming in tears, upon me, sigh'd most piteously: But I was proof against her distress, by recollecting the epithets with which she had honour'd me the night before; and believing that the good reception I enjoy'd was destin'd for another. I therefore took no notice of her affliction; and she had the mortification to find her disdain return'd four-fold.—However, from thenceforward she thought proper to use me with more complaisance than usual, knowing that it was in my power at any time to publish her shame.—By these means my life became much more agreeable (though I never could prevail upon myself to repeat my nocturnal visit) and as I every day improv'd in my knowledge of the town, I shook off my aukward air by degrees, and acquir'd the character of a polite journeyman apothecary.
CHAP. XX.
I am assaulted and dangerously wounded—I suspect Odonnell, and am confirmed in my opinion—I concert a scheme of revenge, and put it in execution—Odonnell robs his own servant, and dissappears—I make my addresses to a lady, and am miraculously deliver'd from her snare.
ONE night about twelve a clock, as I return'd from visiting a patient at Chelsea, I receiv'd a blow on my head from an unseen hand, that stretch'd me senseless on the ground; and was left for dead, with three stabs of a sword in my body.—The groans I utter'd when I recover'd the use of my reason, alarm'd the people of a solitary ale-house, that stood near the spot where I lay, and they were humane enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon who dressed my wounds, and assur'd me they were not mortal. One of them penetrated through the skin and muscles of one side of my belly, in such a manner, that (doubtless) the assassin imagin'd he had run me through the entrails.—The second slanted along one of my ribs, and the last, which was intended for the
Coup de Grace,
being directed to my heart, the sword snapt upon my breast bone, and the point remain'd sticking in the skin.—When I reflected upon this event, I could not persuade myself, that I had been assaulted by a common footpad; because it is not usual for such people to murder those they rob, especially when they meet with no resistance; and I found my money and every thing else about me (but my carcase) safe. I concluded therefore, that I must either have been mistaken for another, or oblig'd to the private resentment of some secret enemy for what had happened; and as I could remember no-body who had the least cause of complaint against me, except captain Odonnell and my master's daughter, my suspicion settled upon them, though I took care to conceal it, that I might the sooner arrive at confirmation.—With this view, I went home in a chair about ten a clock in the morning; and as the chairmen supported me into the house, met the captain in the passage; who no sooner saw me, than he started back, and gave evident signs of guilty confusion, which he would have accounted for from the surprize occasion'd by seeing me in such a condition.—My master having heard my story, condoled me with a good deal of sympathy, and when he understood my wounds were not dangerous, order'd me to be carried up stairs to bed; though not without some opposition from his wife, who was of opinion, it would be better for me to go to an hospital, where I should be more carefully attended.—My meditation was employ'd in concerting with myself some method of revenge against 'Squire Odonnell and his enamorata, whom I looked upon as the authors of my misfortune; when miss (who was not at home at my arrival) entered my chamber; and saying, she was sorry for the accident that had befallen me, asked me if I suspected any body to be the assassin: Upon which I fixed my eyes stedfastly upon her, and answer'd,
"Yes."—
She discover'd no symptom of confusion; but replied hastily,
"If that be the case, why don't you take out a warrant to have him apprehended?—It will cost but a trifle—if you have no money, I'll lend you."—
This frankness not only cur'd me of my suspicion with respect to her; but even stagger'd my belief in regard to the captain, of whose guilt I resolv'd to have farther proofs, before I enterpriz'd any thing in the way of revenge.—I thanked her kindly for her generous offer; which however I had no occasion to accept, being determin'd to do nothing rashly: For though I could plainly perceive the person who attacked me, to be a soldier whose face I thought was familiar to me, I could not swear with a safe conscience to any particular man; and granting I could, my prosecution of him would not much avail.—This I pretended, lest the captain hearing from her, that I knew the person who wounded me, might think proper to withdraw before I could be in a condition to requite him.—In two days I was up, and able to do a little business, so that Mr. Lavement made shift to carry on his practice, without hiring another journeyman in my room.—The first thing I attempted towards a certain discovery of my secret enemy, was to get into Odonnell's apartment, while he was abroad in an undress, and examine his sword, the point of which being broke off, I applied the fragment that was found sticking in my body; and found it answer'd the fractur'd part exactly.—There was now no room left for doubt; and all that remain'd, was to fix upon a scheme of revenge, which almost solely engrossed my thoughts during the space of eight nights and days.—Sometimes I was tempted to fall upon him in the same manner as he had practised upon me, and kill him outright.—But this my honour oppos'd, as a piece of barbarous cowardice, in which he was not to be imitated.—At other times, I entertain'd thoughts of demanding satisfaction in an honourable way; but was diverted from this undertaking, by considering the uncertainty of the event, and the nature of the injury he had done me, which did not intitle him to such easy terms.—At last I determin'd to pursue a middle course; and actually put my design in execution after this manner.—Having secured the assistance of Strap and two of his acquaintance whom he could depend upon; we provided ourselves in disguises, and I caused the following letter to be deliver'd to him by one of our associates in livery, one Sunday evening.
SIR,
IF I may be allowed to judge from appearance, it will not be disagreeable to you, to hear that my husband is sent for to Bagshot to visit a patient, and will not return till to-morrow night; so that if you have any thing to propose to me (as your behaviour on many occasions has seemed to insinuate) you will do well to embrace the present opportunity of seeing
Yours, &c.
This letter was signed with the name of [an apothecary's wife, who lived in Chelsea, of whom I had heard Odonnell was an admirer.—Every thing succeeded to our wish.—The amorous hero hastened towards the place of assignanation; and was encountered by us in the very place where he had assaulted me.—We rushed upon him all at once, secured his sword, stript off his cloaths even to the skin, which we scourged with nettles till he was blistered from head to foot, notwithstanding all the eloquence of his tears and supplications. When I was satisfied with the stripes I had bestowed, we carried off his cloaths, which we hid in a hedge near the place, and left him stark naked, to find his way home in the best manner he could, while I took care to be there before him.—I afterwards understood that in his way to the lodgings of a friend, who lived in the skirts of the town, he was picked up by the watch, who carried him to the Round-house, from whence he sent for cloaths to his lodgings; and next morning arrived at the door in a chair, wrapt up in a blanket he had borrowed; for his body was so sore and swelled that he could not bear to be confined in his wearing apparel.—He was treated with the utmost tenderness by my mistress and her daughter, who vied one with the other in their care and attendance of him; but Lavement himself could not forbear expressing his joy, by several malicious grins, while he ordered me to prepare an unguent to anoint him with.—As to myself, no body can doubt my gratification, when I had every day an opportunity of seeing my revenge protracted on the body of my adversary, by the sores and ulcers I had been the cause of; and indeed I not only enjoyed the satisfaction of having flead him alive, but another also which I had not foreseen.—The story of his being attacked and stript in such a place, having been inserted in the news, gave information to those who found his cloaths next day, whither to bring them; and accordingly he retrieved every thing he had lost, except a few letters, among which was that which I had wrote to him in the name of the apothecary's wife.—This and the others, which (it seems) were all on the subject of love, (for this Hibernian hero was one of those people who are called fortune-hunters) fell into the hands of a certain female author, famous for the scandal she has published; who, after having embellished them with some ornaments of her own invention, gave them to the town in print.—I was very much shocked on reflecting, that I might possibly be the occasion of a whole family's unhappiness, on account of the letter I had written; but was eased of that apprehension, when I understood that the Chelsea apothecary had commenced a law-suit against the printer for defamation; and looked upon the whole as a piece of forgery, committed by the author, who had disappeared.—But whatever might be his opinion of the matter, our two ladies seemed to entertain a different idea of it; for, as soon as the pamphlet appeared, I could perceive their care of their patient considerably diminish, until at last it ended in total neglect.—It was impossible for him to be ignorant of this change, any more than of the occasion of it; but as he was conscious to himself of having deserved worse than contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off so cheaply, and contented himself with muttering curses and threats against the apothecary, who (as he imagined) having got an inkling of the appointment with his wife, had taken revenge of him in the manner described.—By that time he had got a new scarf skin, his character was become so notorious, that he thought it high time for him to decamp; which he performed one night without beat of drum, after having robbed his own servant of every thing that belonged to him except the cloaths he had on his back.—A few days after he disappeared, Mr. Lavement, for his own security, took into custody a large old trunk which he had left; and as it was very heavy, made no question of the contents being sufficient to indemnify him for what Odonnel owed in lodging.—But a month being elapsed without hearing any tidings of this adventurer; and my master being impatient to know what the trunk contained; he ordered me to break it open in his presence, which I performed with the pestle of our great mortar, and discovered, to his inexpressible astonishment and mortification, a heap of stones.
About this time, my friend Strap informed me of an offer he had to go abroad with a gentleman in quality of
valet de chambre,
and at the same time assured me, that whatever advantage he might propose to himself from this prospect, he could not bear the thoughts of parting from me; so much was he attached to my fortune.—In spite of all the obligations I owed this poor honest fellow, ingratitude is so natural to the heart of man, that I began to be tired of his acquaintance; and now, that I had contracted other friendships which appeared more creditable, I was even ashamed to see a journey man barber enquiring after me with the familiarity of a companion.—I therefore, on pretence of consulting his welfare, insisted upon his accepting the proposal, which he at last determined to embrace, with great reluctance, and in a few days took his leave of me, shedding a flood of tears, which I could not behold without emotion.—I now began to look upon myself as a gentleman in reality; learned to dance of a Frenchman whom I had cured of a fashionable distemper; frequented plays during the holidays; became the oracle of an ale-house, where every dispute was referred to my decision; and at length contracted an acquaintance with a young lady, who found means to make a conquest of my heart, and upon whom I prevailed, after much attendance and solicitation, to give me a promise of marriage.—As this beautiful creature passed for a rich heiress, I blessed my good fortune, and was actually on the point of crowning all my wishes, by matrimony; when one morning, I went to her lodgings, and her maid being abroad, took the privilege of a bridegroom to enter her chamber, where to my utter confusion I found her in bed with a man.—Heaven gave me patience and presence of mind enough to withdraw immediately; and I thanked my stars a thousand times for the happy discovery, by which I resolved to profit so much, as to abandon all thoughts of marriage for the future.
CHAP. XXI.
'Squire Gawky comes to lodge with my master—is involved in a troublesome affair, out of which he is extricated by me—he marries my master's daughter—they conspire against me—I am found guilty of theft—discharged—deserted by my friends—I hire a room in St. Giles's—where, by accident, I find the lady to whom I made my addresses, in a miserable condition—I relieve her.
WHILE I enjoyed myself at large in this temper of mind, Mr. Lavement let his first floor to my countryman and acquaintance 'Squire Gawky, who by this time had got a lieutenancy in the army, and such a martial ferocity in his appearance, that I was afraid he would remember what had happened between us in Scotland, and atone for his breach of appointment then, by his punctuality now; but whether he had actually forgot me, or was willing to make me believe so, he betrayed not the least symptom of recognition at sight of me, and I remained quite cured of my apprehension; though I had occasion not long after to be convinced, that howsoever his externals might be altered, he was at bottom the same individual Gawky whom I have already described.—For coming home late one night from the house of a patient, I heard a noise in the street, and as I approached, perceived two gentlemen in custody of three watchmen. The prisoners, who seemed to be miserably disfigured with dirt, complained bitterly of the loss of their hats and wigs; and one of them, whom by his tongue I knew to be a Scotchman, lamented most piteously, offering a guinea for his liberty, which the watchman refused, alledging that one of his companions was wounded grievously, and that he must stand to the consequence.—My prejudice in favour of my native country was so strong, that I could not bear to see any body belonging to it in distress, and therefore, with one blow of my faithful cudgel, knocked down the watchman who had hold of the person for whom I was chiefly concerned.—He no sooner sound himself disengaged, than he betook himself to his heels, and left me to maintain the dispute as I should think proper; and indeed I came off but scurvily, for before I could avail myself of my speed, I received a blow on the eye, from one of the other two, that had well nigh deprived me of the use of that organ; however, I made shift to get home, where I was informed of captain Gawky's being robb'd and abused by a company of foot-pads; and was ordered by my master to prepare an emollient glyster and paregorick draught, in order to allay and compose the ferment of his spirits, occasioned by the barbarous treatment he had undergone, while he took twelve ounces of blood from him immediately.—When I enquired into the particulars of this adventure, and understood by the servant, that he came in just before me, without hat and wig, I made no scruple of believing him to be the person I had released, and was confirmed in that belief upon hearing his voice, to which (before that event) I had been so long a stranger. My eye being considerably swelled and inflamed, I could not reflect upon my enterprise without cursing my own folly, and even resolving to declare the truth of the whole story, in order to be revenged on the cowardly wretch, for whom I had suffered: Accordingly, next day, after he had told, in presence of my master, his wife and daughter, who came to visit him, a thousand lies concerning the prowess he had shewn in making his escape, I ventured to explain the mystery, and calling in the evidence of my contused eye, upbraided him with cowardice and ingratitude.—Gawky was so astonished at this discourse, that he could not answer one word; and the rest of the company stared at one another; till at length my mistress repremanded me for my insolent behaviour, and threatened to turn me away for my presumption.—Upon which, Gawky (having recollected himself) observed, as the young man might have mistaken another person for him, he could forgive his insinuations, more especially as he seemed to have suffered for his civility; but advised me to be more certain in my conjectures for the future, before I ventured to publish them to the prejudice of any man.—Miss applauded the captain's generosity in pardoning one who had so villainously aspersed him, and I began to imagine her praise was not at all disinterested.—But the apothecary, who perhaps had more penetration, or less partiality than his wife and daughter, differed from them in his sentiments of the matter, and expressed himself to me in the shop in this manner:
"Ah mon pauvre Roderique! you ave more of de veracite dan of de prudence—bot mine vife and dater be diablement sage, and Mons. le capitaine un fanfaron, pardieu!"—
This elogium on his wife and daughter, though meant ironically by him, was nevertheless literally just; for by espousing the cause of Gawky, the one obliged a valuable lodger, and the other acquired a husband at a juncture, when one was absolutely necessary; for the young lady finding the effects of her correspondence with Odonnel becoming plainer and plainer every day, insinuated herself so artfully into the affection of this new lodger, that in less than a fortnight, on pretence of going to a play, they drove away together to the Fleet, where they were coupled; from thence removed to a bagnio, where the marriage was consummated; and in the morning came home, where they asked her father's and mother's blessing.—The prudent parents, notwithstanding the precipitation with which it was carried on, did not think fit to refuse their approbation; for the apothecary was not ill pleased to find his daughter married to a young man of a good prospect, who had not mentioned to him one syllable on the article of her dowry; and his wife was rejoiced at being rid of a rival in her gallants, and a spy upon her pleasures.—Nor was I without self-enjoyment at this event, when I reflected upon the revenge I had unwittingly taken upon my enemy, in making him a cuckold by anticipation.—But I little dream'd what a storm of mischief was brewing against me, whilst I thus indulged myself.—Whatever face Gawkey put on the matter, my discovery of the adventure before related, and the reproaches I vented against him, had stung him to the soul, and cherished the seeds of emnity so strongly in his breast, that he (it seems) imparted his indignation to his wife, who being as desirous as he to compass the ruin of one that not only slighted her caresses, but was able on any occasion to discover particulars not at all advantageous to her character, readily joined in a conspiracy against me, which (had it taken effect as they expected) would infallibly have brought me to an ignominious death.
My master having several times missed large quantities of medicines of which I could give no account, at last lost all patience, and in plain terms taxed me with having embezzled them for my own use. As I could only oppose my single asseveration to this suspicion, he told me one day,
"By gar, your vord not be give me de satisfaction—me find necessaire to chercher for my medicine, pardonnez moy—il faut chercher—me demand le clef of your coffre a cette heure."—
Then raising his voice to conceal the fright he was in, lest I should make any opposition, he went on,
"Oui, foutre, I charge you rendrer le clef of your coffre—moi—si, moi qui vous parle."—
I was fired with so much resentment and disdain at this accusation, that I burst into tears, which he took for a sign of guilt; and pulling out my key, told him he might satisfy himself immediately, though he would not find it so easy to satisfy me for the injury my reputation had suffered from his unjust suspicion.—He took the key and mounted up to my chamber, attended by the whole family; saying,
"He bien, nous verrons—nous verrons."—
But what was my horror and amazement, when opening my chest, I saw them pull out an handful of the very things that were missing, and heard him pronounce,
"Ah ha! vous etes bien venues—mardie, Mons. Roderique, you be fort innocent!"—
I had not power to utter one word in my own vindication, but stood motionless and silent, while every body present made their respective remarks on what appeared against me.—The servants said, they were sorry for my misfortune, and went away repeating,
"Who would have thought it!"
My mistress took occasion from this to rail against the practice of employing strangers in general; and Mrs. Gawky, after having observed that she never had a good opinion of my fidelity, proposed to have me carried before the justice and committed to Newgate immediately. Her husband was actually upon the stairs in his way for a constable, when Mr. Lavement, knowing the cost and trouble of a prosecution to which he must bind himself, and at the same time dreading lest some particulars of my confession might affect his practice, called out,
"Restez mon fils! restez, it be veritablement one grand crime wich dis pauvre diable have committed—bot peutetre de good God give him de penitence, and me vil not have upon mine head de blood of one sinner."—
The captain and his lady used all the christian arguments their zeal could suggest, to prevail on the apothecary to pursue me to destruction, and represented the injustice he did to the community of which he was a member, in letting a villain escape, who would not sail of doing more mischief in the world, when he should reflect on his coming off so easily now;—but their eloquence made no impression on my master, who turning to me, said,
"Go, miserable, go from mine house, quick, quick—and make reparation for your mauvaise actions."—
By this time my indignation had roused me from the stupefaction in which I had hitherto remained, and I began in this manner:
"Sir, appearances, I own, condemn me; but you are imposed upon as much as I am abused—I have fallen a sacrifice to the rancour of that scoundrel (pointing to Gawky) who has found means to convey your goods hither, that the detection of them might blast my reputation, and accomplish my destruction.—His hatred of me is owing to a consciousness of having wronged me in my own country; for which he in a cowardly manner refused me the satisfaction of a gentleman;—he knows moreover, that I am no stranger to his dastardly behaviour in this town, which I have recounted before;—and he is unwilling that such a testimony of his ingratitude and pusilanimity should live upon the earth; for this reason he is guilty of the most infernal malice to bring about my ruin.—And I am afraid, madam, (turning to Mrs. Gawky) you have too easily entered into the sentiments of your husband—I have often found you my enemy; and am well acquainted with the occasion of your being so, which I don't at present think proper to declare;—but I would not advise you, for your own sake, to drive me to extremity."
This address enraged her so much, that with a face as red as scarlet, and the eyes of a fury, she strutted up to me, and putting her hands in her sides, spit in my face, saying, I was a scandalous villain, but she defied my malice; and that unless her papa would prosecute me like a thief as I was, she would not stay another night under his roof.—At the same time, Gawky assuming a big look, told me, he scorned what lies I could invent against him; but that if I pretended to asperse his wife, he would put me to death, by G—d.—To this I answered,
"I wish to God I could meet with thee in a desart, that I might have an opportunity of revenging thy perfidy towards me, and rid the world of such a rascal—What hinders me this moment (said I, seizing an old bottle that stood by) from doing myself that justice?"
I had no sooner armed myself in this manner, than Gawky and his father-in law retired in such a hurry, that the one overturned the other, and rolled together down stairs; while my mistress swooned away with fear; and her daughter asked if I intended to murder her.—I gave her to understand that nothing was farther from my intention; that I would leave her to the stings of her own conscience; but was firmly resolved to slit her husband's nose, whenever fortune should offer a convenient opportunity.—Then going down stairs, I met Lavement coming up trembling with the pestle in his hand, and Gawky behind armed with his sword pushing him forward.—I demanded a parley, and having assured them of my pacific disposition; Gawky exclaimed,
"Ah! villain! you have killed my dear wife."—
And the apothecary cried,
"Ah! coquin! vere is my child?"—
"The lady (said I) is above stairs, unhurt by me, and will a few months hence (I believe) reward your concern."—
Here she called to them herself, and desired they would let the wretch go, and trouble themselves no farther about him.—To which her father consented, observing nevertheless, that my conversation was fort mysterieux.—Finding it impossible to vindicate my innocence, I left the house immediately, and went to the schoolmaster, with an intention of clearing myself to him, and asking his advice with regard to my future conduct; but to my inexpressible vexation, was told he was gone to the country, where he would stay two or three days.—I returned with a design of consulting some acquaintance I had acquired in my master's neighbourhood; but my story had taken air, through the officiousness of the servants, and not one of my friends would vouchsafe me a hearing.—Thus I found myself, by the iniquity of mankind, in a much more deplorable condition than ever: for though I had been formerly as poor, my reputation was without blemish, and my health unimpaired till now;—but at present my good name was lost, my money gone, my friends were alienated, my body infected by a distemper contracted in the course of an amour; and my faithful Strap, who alone could yield me pity and assistance, absent I knew not where.
The first resolution I could take in this melancholy conjuncture, was to remove my cloaths to the house of the person with whom I had formerly lodg'd; there I remained two days, in hopes of getting another place, by the interest of Mr. Concordance, to whom I made no doubt of being able to vindicate my character;—but in this I reckoned without my host, for Lavement took care to be beforehand with me, and when I attempted to explain the whole affair to the schoolmaster, I found him so prepossessed against me, that he would scarce bear me to an end; but when I had finished my justification, shook his head, and beginning with his usual exclamation,
"O Ch—st! said, that won't go down with me.—I am very sorry I should have the misfortune of being concerned in the affair, but however shall be more cautious for the future—I will trust no man from henceforward—no, not my father who begat me—nor the brother who lay with me in my mother's womb—should the genius of truth appear I would question its veracity; and if Daniel would rise from the dead I should think him an impostor."—
I told him, that one day, it was possible, he might be convinced of the injury I had suffered, and repent of his premature determination.—To which he answered the proof of my innocence would make his bowels vibrate with joy;
"but till that shall happen (continued he) I must beg to have no manner of connection with you—my reputation is at stake—O my good God! I shall be looked upon as your accomplice and abettor—people will say Jonathan Wild was but a type of me—boys will hoot at me as I pass along; and the cinder wenches belch forth reproaches wafted in a gale impregnated with gin—I shall be notorious—the very butt of slander, and cloaca of infamy."—
I was not in an humour to relish the climax of expressions upon which this gentleman valued himself in all his discourses; but without any ceremony took my leave, cursed with every sentiment of horror, which my situation could suggest.—I considered, however, in the intervals of my despondence, that I must in some shape suit my expence to my calamitous circumstances; and with that view hired an apartment in a garret near St. Giles's, at the rate of nine-pence
per
week.—In this place I resolved to perform my own cure, having first pawned three shirts to purchase medicines and support for the occasion.
One day when I sat in this solitary retreat, musing upon the unhappiness of my fate, I was alarmed by a groan that issued from a chamber contiguous to mine, into which I immediately run, and sound a woman stretched on a miserable truckle bed, without any visible signs of life. Having applied a smelling bottle to her nose, the blood began to revisit her cheeks, and she opened her eyes; but, good heaven! what were the emotions of my soul, when I discovered her to be the same individual lady, who had triumphed over my heart, and to whose fate I had almost been inseparably joined! Her deplorable situation filled my breast with compassion, and every tender idea reviving in my imagination, I flew into her embrace; she knew me immediately, and straining me gently in her arms, shed a torrent of tears, which I could not help encreasing: At length, casting a languishing look at me, she pronounced with a feeble voice,
"Dear Mr. Random, I do not deserve this concern at your hands—I am a vile creature, who had a base design upon your person—suffer me to expiate that and all my other crimes by a miserable death, which will not fail to overtake me in a few hours."—
I encouraged her as much as I could, told her I forgave all the injury she had designed for me; and that although my circumstances were extremely low, I would share my last farthing with her.—In the mean time, begged to know the immediate cause of that fit from which she had just recovered, and I would endeavour by my skill to prevent any more such attacks.— She seemed very much affected with what I said, took my hand and pressed it to her lips, saying,
"You are too generous! I wish I could live to express my gratitude—but alas! I perish for want."—
Then shutting her eyes, relapsed into another swoon.—Such extremity of distress must have waked the most obdurate heart to sympathy and compassion: What effect then must it have on mine, that was naturally prone to every tender passion? I ran down stairs and sent my landlady to a chymist's shop for some cinnamon-water, while I returning to this unfortunate creature's chamber, used all the means in my power to bring her to herself, which with much difficulty I accomplished, and made her drink a glass of the cordial to recruit her spirits; then I prepared a little mulled red wine and a toast, which having taken, she found herself thoroughly revived, and informed me, that she had not tasted food for eight and forty hours before.—As I was impatient to know the occasion and nature of her calamity, she gave me to understand that she was a woman of the town by profession—that in the course of her adventures, she found herself dangerously infected with a distemper to which all of her class are particularly subject;—that her malady gaining ground every day, she was become loathsome to herself as well as to every one else, when she resolved to retire to some obscure corner, where she might be cured with as little noise and expence as possible;—that she had accordingly chosen this place of retreat, and put herself into the hands of an advertising doctor, who having sleeced her of all the money she had, or could procure, left her three days ago in a worse condition than that in which he found her;—that except the cloaths on her back, she had pawned or sold every thing that belonged to her, to satisfy that rapacious quack, and quiet the clamour of her landlady, who still persisted in her threats to turn her out into the street.—After having moralized upon these particulars, I proposed that she should lodge in the same room with me, which would save some money; and assured her I would myself undertake her cure as well as my own, during which she should partake of all the conveniencies I could afford to myself.—She embraced my offer with unfeigned acknowledgment, and I began to put it in practice immediately.—I found to my great satisfaction, in her, not only an agreeable companion, whose conversation greatly alleviated my chagrin, but also a careful nurse, who served me with the utmost fidelity and affection. One day, while I testified my surprise that a woman of her beauty, good sense, and education (for she had a large portion of each) could be reduced to such an infamous and miserable way of life as that of a prostitute; she answered with a sigh,
"These very advantages were the cause of my undoing."—
This remarkable reply inflamed my curiosity to such a degree, that I begged she would favour me with the particulars of her story, and she complied in these words.
CHAP. XXII.
The history of Miss WILLIAMS.
MY father was an eminent merchant in the city, who having, in the course of trade, suffered very considerable losses, retired in his old age with his wife to a small estate in the country, which he had purchased with the remains of his fortune.—At that time I being but eight years of age, was left in town for the convenience of education; boarded with an aunt, who was a rigid Presbyterian, and who confined me so closely to what she called the duties of religion, that in time I grew weary of her doctrines, and by degrees conceived an aversion for the good books she daily recommended to my perusal. As I increased in age, and appeared with a person not disagreeable, I contracted a good deal of acquaintance among my own sex; one of whom, after having lamented the restraint I was under from the narrowness of my aunt's sentiments, told me, I must now throw off the prejudices of opinion imbibed under her influence and example, and learn to think for myself;—for which purpose she advised me to read Locke, Shaftsbury, Tindal, Hobbs, and all the books that are remarkable for their deviation from the old way of thinking, and by comparing one with another, I would soon be able to form a system of my own.—I followed her advice, and whether it was owing to my prepossession against what I had formerly read, or the clearness of argument in these my new instructors, I know not, but I studied them with pleasure, and in a short time became a professed Free-thinker. Proud of my new improvement, I argued in all companies, and that with such success, that I soon acquired the reputation of a philosopher, and few people durst undertake me in a dispute.—I grew vain upon my good fortune, and at length pretended to make my aunt a proselyte to my opinion; but she no sooner perceived my drift, than taking the alarm, she wrote to my father an account of my heresy, and conjured him, as he tendered the good of my soul, to remove me immediately from the dangerous place where I had contracted such sinful principles: Accordingly, my father ordered me into the country, where I arrived in the fifteenth year of my age, and by his command, gave him a detail of all the articles of my faith, which he did not find so unreasonable as they had been represented.—Finding myself suddenly deprived of the company and pleasures of the town, I grew melancholy, and it was some time before I could relish my situation.—But solitude became every day more and more familiar to me, and I consoled myself in my retreat with the enjoyment of a good library, at such times as were not employed in the management of the family, (for my mother had been dead three years) in visiting, or some other party of rural diversion.—Having more imagination than judgment, I addicted myself too much to poetry and romance; and in short was looked upon as a very extraordinary person by every body in the country where I resided.—I had one evening strayed with a book in my hand, into a wood that bordered on the high road, at a little distance from my father's house; when a certain drunken 'squire, riding by, perceived me, and crying,
"Z—ds! there's a charming creature!"
alighted in a moment, catched me in his arms, and treated me so rudely, that I shrieked as loud as I could, and in the mean time opposed his violence with all the strength that rage and resentment could inspire.—During this struggle, another horseman came up, who seeing a lady so unworthily used, dismounted and flew to my assistance.—My ravisher, mad with disappointment, or provoked with the reproaches of the other gentleman, quitted me, and running to his horse, drew a pistol from the saddle and fired it at my protector, who happily receiving no damage, went up, and with the butt end of his whip, laid him prostrate on the ground, before he could use the other, which his antagonist immediately seized, and clapping to the 'squire's breast, threatned to put him to death for his cowardice and treachery: Upon this I interposed and begged his life, which was granted to my request, after he had asked pardon, and swore his intention was only to obtain a kiss.—However, my defender thought proper to unload the other pistol, and throw away the flints, before he gave him his liberty.—This courteous stranger conducted me home, where my father having learned the signal service he had done me, loaded him with caresses, and insisted on his lodging that night at our house.—If the obligation he had conferred upon me justly inspired me with sentiments of gratitude, his appearance and conversation seemed to intitle him to somewhat more.—He was about the age of two and twenty, among the tallest of the middlesize; had chesnut coloured hair which he wore tied up in a ribbon; a high polished fore-head, a nose inclining to the aquiline, lively blue eyes, red pouting lips, teeth as white as snow, and a certain openness of countenance,—but what need I describe any more particulars of his person? I hope you will do me the justice to believe I do not flatter, when I say he was the exact resemblance of you; and if I had not been well acquainted with his family and pedigree, I should have made no scruple of concluding him your brother.—He spoke little, and seemed to have no reserve, for what he said was ingenuous, sensible, and uncommon.—In short (said she, bursting into tears) he was formed for the ruin of our sex.—His behaviour was modest and respectful, but his looks were so significant that I could easily observe, he secretly blessed the occasion that introduced him to my acquaintance.—We learned from his discourse that he was eldest son of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood, to whose name we were no strangers; that he had been to visit an acquaintance in the country, from whose house he was returning home, when my shrieks brought him to my rescue.—All night long my imagination formed a thousand ridiculous expectations: There was so much of knight-errantry in this gentleman's coming to the relief of a damsel in distress, with whom he immediately became enamoured, that all I had read of love and chivalry recurred to my fancy, and I looked upon myself as a princess in some region of romance, who being delivered from the power of a brutal giant or satyr by a generous Oroondates, was bound in gratitude, as well as led by inclination, to yield up my affections to him without reserve. In vain did I endeavour to chastise these foolish conceits by reflexions more reasonable and severe: The amusing images took full possession of my mind, and my dreams represented my hero sighing at my feet, in the language of a despairing lover.—Next morning after breakfast he took his leave, when my father begged the favour of a further acquaintance with him; to which he replied by a compliment to him, and a look to me so full of eloquence and tenderness, that my whole soul received the soft impression.—In a short time he repeated his visit; and as a recital of the particular steps he pursued to ruin me, would be too tedious and impertinent, let it suffice to say, he made it his business to insinuate himself into my esteem, by convincing me of his own good sense, and at the same time flattering my understanding: This he performed in the most artful manner, by seeming to contradict me often through misapprehension, that I might have an opportunity of clearing myself, the more to my own honour.—Having thus secured my good opinion, he began to give me some tokens of a particular passion founded on a veneration for the qualities of my mind, and as an accidental ornament, admir'd the beauties of my person; till at length, being fully persuaded of his conquest, he chose a a proper season for the theme, and disclos'd his love in terms so ardent and sincere, that it was impossible for me to disguise the sentiments of my heart, and he received my approbation with the most lively transport. After this mutual declaration, we contrived to meet more frequently, which we did in private interviews, where we enjoy'd the conversation of one another, in all the elevation of fancy and impatience of hope, that reciprocal adoration can inspire.—He professed his honourable intentions, of which I made no question, lamented the avaritious disposition of his father, who had destin'd him for the arms of another, and vowed eternal fidelity with such an appearance of candour and devotion, that I became a dupe to his deceit, and in an evil hour crowned his eager desire with full possession.—Cursed be the day on which I gave away my innocence and peace, for a momentary gratification which has entailed upon me such misery and horror! cursed be my beauty that first attracted the attention of the seducer! cursed be my education, that by refining my sentiments, made my heart the more susceptible! cursed be my good sense that fixed me to one object, and taught me the preference I enjoyed was but my due! Had I been ugly, no body would have tempted me; had I been ignorant, the charms of my person would not have atoned for the coarseness of my conversation; had I been giddy, my vanity would have divided my inclinations, and my ideas would have been so diffused, that I should never have listened to the enchantments of one alone.
But to return to my unfortunate story; we gave a loose to guilty pleasure, which for some months banished every other concern.—But by degrees, his visits became less frequent, and his behaviour less warm: I perceived his coldness, my heart took the alarm, my tears reproached him, and I insisted upon the performance of his promise to espouse me, that whatever should happen, my reputation might be safe: He seemed to acquiesce in my proposal, and lest me on pretence of finding a proper clergyman to unite us in the bands of wedlock.—But alas! the Inconstant had no intention to return: I waited a whole week with the utmost impatience; sometimes doubting his honour, at other times inventing excuses for him, and condemning myself for harbouring the least suspicion of his faith.—At length, I understood from a gentleman who dined at our house, that this perfidious wretch was on the point of setting out for London with his bride, to buy cloaths for their approaching nuptials.—This information distracted me! the more so, as I found myself some months gone with child, and reflected, that it would be impossible to conceal my disgrace, which would not only ruin the character I had acquired in the country, but also bring the grey hairs of an indulgent parent with sorrow to the grave. Rage took possession of my soul; I denounced a thousand imprecations, and formed as many schemes of revenge against the traitor who had undone me! then my resentment would subside to silent sorrow: I recalled the tranquility I had lost, I wept over my infatuation, and sometimes a ray of hope would intervene, and for a moment cheer my drooping heart; I would revolve all the favourable circumstances of his character, repeat the vows he made, ascribe his absence to the vigilance of a suspicious father, who compelled him to a match his soul abhorred, and comfort myself with the expectation of seeing him before the thing should be brought to any terms of agreement.—But how vain was my imagination? The villain left me without remorse, and in a few days the news of his marriage spread all over the country.—My horror was then inconceivable! and had not the desire of revenge diverted the resolution, I should infallibly have put an end to my miserable life.—My father observed the symptoms of my despair; and though I have good reason to believe, he guessed the cause, was at a great deal of pains to seem ignorant of my affliction, while he endeavoured with paternal fondness to alleviate my distress. I saw his concern, which increased my anguish, and raised my fury against the author of my calamity, to an implacable degree. Having furnished myself with a little money, I made an elopement from this unhappy parent in the night-time, and about break of day, arrived at a small town from whence a stage-coach set out for London, in which I embarked, and next day alighted in town; the spirit of revenge having supported me all the way against every other reflection.—My first care was to hire a lodging, in which I kept myself very retired, having assumed a feigned name, that my character and situation might be the better concealed.—It was not long before I found out the house of my ravisher, whither I immediately repaired in a transport of rage, determined to act some desperate deed for the satisfaction of my despair, though the hurry of my spirits would not permit me to concert or resolve upon a particular plan. When I demanded admission to Lothario (so let me call him) I was desired to send up my name and business; but this I refused, telling the porter I had business for his master's private ear: Upon which I was conducted into a parlour until he should be informed of my request.—There I remained about a quarter of an hour, when a servant entered and told me his master was engaged with company, and begged to be excused at that time.—My temper could hold out no longer: I pulled a poignard from my bosom where I had concealed it, and rushing out, flew up stairs like a fury, exclaiming,
"Where is this perfidious villain! could I once plunge this dagger into his false heart, I would then die satisfied."—
The noise I made alarmed not only the servants, but the company also, who hearing my threats, came forwards to the stair-case to see what was the matter. By this time I was seized, disarmed, and with-held by two footmen; in this situation I felt the most exquisite torture in beholding my undoer approach with his young wife; I could not endure the sight, was deprived of my senses, and fell into a severe fit, during which I know not how I was treated; but when I recovered the use of reflection, found myself on a bed in a paultry apartment, where I was attended by an old woman, who asked a thousand impertinent questions relating to my condition; and informed me that my behaviour had thrown the whole family into confusion; that Lothario affirmed I was mad, and pretended to have me sent to Bedlam; but my lady persuaded herself there was more in my conduct than he cared should be known, and had taken to her bed on bare suspicion, having first ordered that I should be narrowly looked to.—I heard all she said without making any other reply, than desiring she would do me the favour to call a chair; but this (she told me) could not be done without her master's consent, which, however, was easily procured, and I was conveyed to my own lodging in a state of mind that baffles all description. The agitation of my thoughts produced a fever, which brought on a miscarriage; and I believe it is well for my conscience that heaven thus disposed of my burden; for let me own to you with penitence and horror, if I had brought a living child into the world, my frenzy would have prompted me to sacrifice the little innocent to my resentment of the wrongs done me by the father.
After this event my rage abated, and my hate became more deliberate and calm; when one day, my landlady informed me that there was a gentleman below who desired to see me, having something of consequence to impart, which he was sure would contribute to my peace of mind.—I was exceedingly alarmed at this declaration, which I attempted to interpret a thousand ways; and before I came to any determination he entered my room, with an apology for intruding upon me against my knowledge or consent.—I surveyed him some time, but could not remember to have seen him before; then with a faultering accent, demanded what was his business with me?—Upon which, he desired I would give him a particular audience, and he did not doubt of communicating something that would conduce to my satisfaction and repose. As I thought myself sufficiently guarded against any violence, I granted his request, and bid the woman withdraw.—The stranger then advancing, gave me to understand that he was well acquainted with the particulars of my story, having been informed of them from Lothario's own mouth—that from the time he knew my misfortunes, he had entertained a detestation for the author of them; which had of late been increased and inflamed to a desire of revenge, by a piece of dishonourable conduct towards him—that hearing of my melancholy situation, he had come with an intention of offering his assistance and comfort, and was ready to espouse my quarrel and forthwith take vengeance on my seducer, provided I would grant him one consideration, which (he hoped) I should see no reason to refuse.—Had all the artifice of hell been employed in composing a persuasive, it could not have had a more instantaneous or favourable effect than this discourse had upon me.—I was transported with a delirium of gloomy joy; I hugged my companion in my arms, and vowed that if he would make good his promise, my soul and body should be at his disposal.—The contract was made; he devoted himself to my revenge, undertook to murder Lothario that very night, and to bring me an account of his death before morning.—Accordingly, about two of the clock, he was introduced to my chamber, and assured me my perfidious lover was no more; that although he was not entitled to such an honourable proceeding, he had fairly challenged him to the field, where he upbraided him with his treachery towards me, for whom (he told him) his sword was drawn, and after a few passes, left him weltering in his blood.—I was so savaged by my wrongs, that I delighted in the recital of this adventure, made him repeat the particulars, feasted my eyes with the blood that remained on his cloaths and sword, and yielded up my body as a recompence for the service he had done me. My imagination was so engrossed by these ideas, that in my sleep I dreamed Lothario appeared before me, pale, mangled and bloody, blamed my rashness, protested his innocence, and pleaded his own cause so pathetically, that I was convinced of his fidelity, and waked in a sit of horror and remorse.—My bed-fellow endeavoured to soo
console, and persuade me that I had but barely done justice to myself.—I dropt asleep again, and the same apparition recurred to my fancy.—In short, I passed the night in great misery, and looked upon my avenger with such abhorrence, that in the morning, perceiving my aversion, he insinuated there was still a possibility of Lothario's recovery; it was true, be left him wounded on the ground, but not quite dead; and perhaps his hurts might not be mortal.—At these words I started up, bid him fly for intelligence, and if he could not bring me tidings of Lothario's safety, at least consult his own and never return, for I was resolved to surrender myself to justice, and declare all that I knew of the affair, that, if possible, I might expiate my own guilt, by incurring the rigours of a sincere repentance and ignominious death.—He very coolly represented the unreasonableness of my prejudice against him, who had done nothing but what his love of me inspired, and honour justified;—that now he had at the risk of his life, been subservient to my revenge, I was about to discard him as an infamous agent occasionally necessary: and that even if he should be so lucky as to bring news of Lothario's safety, it was probable my former resentment might revive, and I would upbraid him with having failed in his undertaking.—I assured him that, on the contrary, he would be dearer to me than ever, as I should be convinced he acted more on the principles of a man of honour, than on those of a mercenary assassin, and scorned to take away the life of an adversary (how inveterate soever) which fortune had put in his power.—
"Well then, madam, (said he) whatever may have happened, I shall find it no difficult matter to satisfy you in that."—
And took his leave, in order to enquire into the consequences of his duel.—I was now more sensible than ever of the degrees of guilt and misery; all the affliction I had suffered hitherto was owing to my own credulity and weakness, and my conscience could only accuse me of venal crimes; but now that I looked upon myself as a murderer, it is impossible to express the terrors of my imagination, which was incessantly haunted by the image of the deceased, and my bosom stung with the most exquisite agonies, of which I saw no end.—At length, Horatio (for so I shall call my keeper) returned, and telling me I had nothing to fear, delivered into my hands a billet containing these words.
MADAM,
AS I understand it is of consequence to your peace, I take this liberty to inform you, that the wounds I received from Horatio are not mortal. This satisfaction my humanity could not deny even to a person who has endeavoured to disturb the repose, as well destroy the life of
Lothario.
Being well acquainted with his hand, I had no reason to suspect an imposition in this letter, which I read over and over with a transport of joy, and caressed Horatio so much, that he appeared the happiest men alive. Thus was I won from despair by the menaces of a greater misfortune than that which depressed me.—Griefs are like usurpers, the most powerful deposes all the rest—But my raptures were not lasting—that very letter which in a manner re-established my tranquility, in a little time banished my peace.—His unjust reproaches, while they waked my resentment, recalled my former happiness, and filled my soul with rage and sorrow.—Horatio, perceiving the situation of my mind, endeavoured to divert my chagrin, by treating me with all the amusements and entertainments of the town. I was gratified with every indulgence I could desire; introduced into the company of other keptmistresles, by whom an uncommon deference was paid me; and I began to lose all remembrance of my former condition, when an accident brought it back to my view with all its interesting circumstances.—Diverting myself one day with some news papers, which I had not before perused, the following advertisement attracted my attention.
"WHEREAS a young gentlewoman disappeared from her father's house, in the county of—, about the end of September, on account (as is supposed) of some uneasiness of mind, and has not been as yet heard of; whoever will give an information about her, to Mr.—of Gray's-Inn, shall be handsomely rewarded; or if she will return to the arms of her disconsolate parent, she will be received with the utmost tenderness, whatever reasons she may have to think otherwise, and may be the means of prolonging the life of a father, already weighed down almost to the grave with age and sorrow."
This pathetic remonstrance had such an effect on me, that I was fully resolved to return like the prodigal son, and implore the forgiveness of him who gave me life; but alas! upon inquiry, I found he had paid his debt to nature a month before, lamenting my absence to his last hour, having left his fortune to a stranger as a mark of his resentment of my unkind and undutiful behaviour.—Penetrated with remorse on this occasion, I sunk into the most profound melancholy, and considered myself as the immediate cause of his death.—I lost all relish for company, and indeed most of my acquaintances no sooner perceived my change of temper, than they abandoned me. Horatio, disgusted at my insensibility, or (which is more probable) cloyed with possession, became colder and colder every day, till at last he left me altogether, without making any apology for his conduct; or securing me against the miseries of want, as a man of honour ought to have done, considering the share he had in my ruin; for I afterwards learned that the quarrel between Lothario and him, was a story trumped up to rid the one of my importunities, and give the other the enjoyment of my person, which, it seems, he lusted after, upon seeing me at the house of my seducer.—Reduced to this extremity, I cursed my own simplicity, uttered horrid imprecations against the treachery of Horatio; and as I became every day more and more familiarized to the loss of innocence, resolved to be revenged on the sex in general, by practising their own arts upon themselves.—Nor was an opportunity long wanting: An old gentlewoman, under pretence of sympathizing, visited me, and after having condoled with me on my misfortunes, and professed a disinterested friendship, began to display the art of her occupation, in encomiums on my beauty, and invectives against the wretch who had forsaken me; insinuating withal that it would be my own fault if I did not still make my fortune by the extraordinary qualifications with which nature had endowed me.—I soon understood her drift, and gave her such encouragement to explain herself, that we came to an agreement immediately to divide the profits of my prostitution, accruing from such gallants as she should introduce to my acquaintance. The first stroke of my dissimulation, was practised upon a certain J—ge, to whom I was recommended by this matron, as an innocent creature just arrived from the country; he was so transported with my appearance and feigned simplicity, that he paid a hundred guineas for the possession of me for one night only, during which I behaved in such a manner, as to make him perfectly well pleased with his purchase.
CHAP. XXIII.
She is interrupted by a bailif, who arrests, and carries her to the Marshalsea—I accompany her—bring witnesses to prove she is not the same person named in the writ—the bailif is fain to give her a present, and discharge her—we shift our lodging—she resumes her story and ends it—my reflections thereupon—she makes me acquainted with the progress of a common woman of the town—resolves to quit that way of life.
HER story was here interrupted by a rap at the door, which I no sooner opened, than three or four terrible fellows rushed in, one of whom accosted my fellow lodger thus:—
"Madam, your servant—you must do me the favour to come along with me—I have got a writ against you."—
While the bailif (for so he was) spoke thus, his followers surrounded the prisoner, and began to handle her very roughly.—This treatment incensed me so much, that I snatched up the poker, and would certainly have used it in defence of the lady, without any regard to the strength and number of her adversaries, had not she begged me with a composure of countenance, for which I could not account, to use no violence in her behalf, which could be of no service to her, but might be very detrimental to myself.—Then turning to the leader of this formidable troop, she desired to see the warrant, and having perused it, said with a faultering voice,
"I am not the person whose name is here mentioned; arrest me at your peril."—
"Ay, ay, Madam, (replied the catch-pole) we shall prove your identity.—In the mean time, whether will you be pleased to be carried to my house or to Jail?"—
"If I must be confined (said she) I would rather have your house for a prison than a common Jail."—
"Well, well, (answered he) if you have money enough in your pocket, you shall be entertained like a princess."—
But when she acquainted him with her poverty, he swore he never gave credit, and ordered one of his myrmidons to call a coach to carry her to the Marshalsea at once.—While this was a doing she took me aside, and bid me be under no concern on her account, for she knew how to extricate herself from this difficulty very soon, and perhaps gain something by the occasion.—Although her discourse was a mystery to me, I was very well pleased with her assurance, and when the coach came to the door, offered to accompany her to prison, to which, after much intreaty, she consented.—When we arrived at the gate of the Marshalsea, our conductor alighted, and having demanded entrance, presented the writ to the turnkey, who no sooner perceived the name of Elizabeth Cary, than he cried,
"Ah ha! my old acquaintance Bett! I'm glad to see thee with all my heart."—
So saying he opened the coach door, and helped her to dismount; but when he observed her face, he started back, saying,
"Z—ds! who have we got here?"—
The bailif, alarmed at this interrogation, cried with some emotion,
"Who the devil should it be, but the prisoner Elizabeth Cary?"
The turnkey replied,
"That Elizabeth Cary!—I'll be damned if that's Elizabeth Cary, more than my grandmother.—D—n my blood, I know Bett Cary as well as if I had made her."—
Here the lady thought fit to interpose, and tell the catchpole, if he had taken her word for it at first, he might have saved himself and her a great deal of trouble.—
"It may be so (answered he) but by G—d, I'll have further evidence that you are not the person before you and I part."—
"Yes, yes, (said she) you shall have further evidence to your cost."—
Upon this we adjourned into the lodge, and called for a bottle of wine, where my companion wrote a direction to two of her acquaintance, and begged the favour of me to go to their lodgings, and request them to come to her immediately: I found them together at a house in Bridges's street, Drury-lane, and as they were luckily unengaged, they set out with me in a hackney-coach without hesitation, after I had related the circumstances of the affair, which flattered them with hopes of seeing a bailif trounced; for there is an antipathy as natural between the whores and bailifs, as that subsisting between mice and cats.—Accordingly, when they entered the lodge, they embraced the prisoner very affectionately by the name of Nancy Williams; and asked how long she had been nabb'd, and for what?—On hearing the particulars of her adventure repeated, they offered to swear before a justice of peace that she was not the person mentioned in the writ whom it seems, they all knew; but the bailif, who by this time was convinced of
, told them he would not put them to that trouble.—
"Ladies (said he) there's no harm done—you shall give me leave to treat you with another bottle, and then we'll part friends."—
This proposal was not at all relished by the sisterhood; and miss Williams told him: Sure he did not imagine her such a fool as to be satisfied with a paultry glass of sour wine.—Here the turnkey interrupted her, by affirming with an oath, that the wine was as good as ever was tipped over tongue.—
"Well (continued she) that may be—but was it the best of champaign, it is no recompence for the damage I have suffered both in character and health, by being wrongfully dragged to jail—At this rate no innocent person is safe, since any officer of justice, out of malice, private pique, or mistake, may injure and oppress the subject with impunity—but, thank heaven, I live under the protection of laws that will not suffer such insults to pass unpunished, and I know very well how to procure redress."—
Mr. Vulture (for that was the bailif's name) finding he had to deal with one who would not be imposed upon, began to look very sullen and perplexed, and leaning his fore-head on his hand, entered into a deliberation with himself, which lasted a few minutes, and then broke out in a volley of dreadful curses against the old b—ch our landlady (as he called her) for having misinformed him.—After much wrangling and swearing, the matter was referred to the decision of the turnkey, who calling for the other bottle, mulcted the bailif in all the liquor that had been drank, coach-hire, and a couple of guineas for the use of the plaintif.—The money was immediately deposited; miss Williams gratified the two evidences with one half, and putting the other in her pocket drove home with me, leaving the catchpole grumbling over his loss, yet pleased in the main, for having so cheaply got clear of a business that might have cost him ten times the sum, and his place to boot.—This guinea was a very seasonable relief to us, who were reduced to great necessity, six of my shirts and almost all my cloaths, except those on my back, being either pawned or sold for our maintenance before this happened.—As we resented the behaviour of our landlandy, our first care was to provide ourselves with another lodging, whither we removed next day, with an intention to keep ourselves as retired as possible until our cure should be compleated.—When we were fixed in our new habitation, I intreated her to finish the story of her Life, which she pursued in this manner:
The success of our experiment on the J—ge, encouraged us to practice the same deceit on others, and my virginity was five times sold to good purpose; but this harvest lasted not long, my character taking air, and my directress deserting me for some new game. Whereupon I took lodgings near Charing cross, at two guineas
per
week, and began to entertain company in a public manner:—But my income being too small to defray my expence, I was obliged to retrench, and enter into articles with the porters of certain taverns, who undertook to find employment enough for me, provided I would share my profits with them.—Accordingly, I was almost every night engaged with company, among whom I was exposed to every mortification, danger and abuse that flow from drunkenness, brutality and disease. —How miserable is the condition of a courtezan, whose business it is to sooth, suffer, and obey the dictates of rage, insolence and lust!—As my spirit was not sufficiently humbled to the will, not my temper calculated for the conversation of my gallants, it was impossible for me to overcome an aversion I felt for my profession, which manifested itself in a settled gloom on my countenance, and disgusted these sons of mirth and riot so much, that I was frequently used in a shocking manner, and kicked down stairs with disgrace.—The messengers seeing me disagrecable to their benefactors and employers, seldom troubled me with a call, and I began to find myself almost totally neglected. To contribute towards my support, I was fain to sell my watch, rings, trinkets, with the best part of my cloaths; and I was one evening musing by myself, on the misery before me, when I received a message from a bagnio, whither I repaired in a chair, and was introduced to a gentleman dressed like an officer, with whom I supped
tête a tête,
in a sumptuous manner, and after drinking a hearty glass of champaign, went to bed.—In the morning when I awoke I found my gallant had got up, and drawing as
the curtain, could not perceive him in the room; this gave me some uneasiness, but
he might have retired on some necessary occasion, I waited a full hour for his return: and then in the greatest perplexity got up, and rung the bell.—When the waiter came to the door, he found it locked, and desired admittance, which I granted, after observing with great surprize that the key remained on the inside, as when we went to bed. I no sooner enquired for the captain, than the fellow staring with a distracted look, cried,
"How, madam! is he not a-bed?"
And when he was satisfied as to that, run into a closet adjoining to the chamber, the window of which he found open.—Through this the adventurer had got upon a wall, from whence he dropped down into a court and escaped; leaving me to be answerable, not only for the reckoning, but also for a large silver tankard and posset-bowl, which he had carried off with him.—It is impossible to describe the consternation I was under, when I saw myself detained as a thief's accomplice (for I was looked upon in that light) and carried before a justice, who mistaking my confusion for a sign of guilt, committed me after a short examination to Bridewell, having advised me, as the only means to save my life, to turn evidence, and impeach my confederate.—I now concluded, the vengeance of heaven had overtaken me, and that I must soon finish my carreer by an ignominious death.—This reflection sunk so deep into my soul, that I was for some days deprived of my reason, and actually believed myself in hell, tormented by fiends: Indeed, there needs not a very extravagant imagination to form that conjecture; for of all the scenes on earth, that of Bridewell approaches nearest the idea I had always entertained of the infernal regions.—Here I saw nothing but rage, anguish and impiety; and heard nothing but groans, curses and blasphemy.—In the midst of this hellish crew, I was subjected to the tyranny of a barbarian, who imposed upon me tasks that I could not possibly perform, and then punished my incapacity with the utmost rigour and inhumanity. I was often whipt into a swoon, and lashed out of it, during which miserable intervals, I was robbed by my fellow-prisoners of every thing about me, even to my cape, shoes and stockings: I was not only destitute of necessaries, but even of food, so that my wretchedness was extreme. Not one of my acquaintance to whom I imparted my situation, would grant me the least succour or regard, on pretence of my being committed for theft; and my landlord refused to part with some of my own cloaths which I sent for, because I was indebted to him for a week's lodging.—Overwhelmed with calamity, I grew desperate, and resolved to put an end to my grievances and life together; for this purpose I got up in the middle of the night, when I thought every body round me asleep, and fixing one end of my handkerchief to a large hook in the ceiling, that supported the scales on which the hemp is weighed, I stood upon a chair and making a noose on the other end, put my neck into it, with an intention to hang myself, but before I could adjust the knot, I was surprised and prevented by two women who had been awake all the while, and suspected my design.—In the morning my attempt was published among the prisoners, and punished with thirty stripes, the pain of which co-operating with my disappointment and disgrace, bereft me of my senses and threw me into an extasy of madness, wherein I tore the flesh from my bones with my teeth, and dashed my head against the pavement.—So that they were obliged to set a watch over me, to restrain me from doing further mischief to myself and others.—This fit of phrenzy continued three days, at the end of which I grew calm and sullen; but as the desire of making away with myself still remained, I came to a determination of starving myself to death, and with that view refused all sustenance. Whether it was owing to the want of opposition, or to the weakness of nature, I know not, but on the second day of my fast, I found my resolution considerably impaired, and the calls of hunger almost insupportable.—At this critical conjuncture a lady was brought into the prison, with whom I had contracted an acquaintance while I lived with Horatio; she was then on the same footing as I was, but afterwards quarreling with her gallant, and not finding another to her mind, altered her scheme of life, and set up a coffee-house among the hundreds of Drury, where she entertained gentlemen with claret, arrack and the choice of half a dozen damsels, who lived in her house. This serviceable matron, having neglected to gratify a certain j—ce for the connivance she enjoyed, was indicted at the quarter sessions, in consequence of which her bevy was dispersed and herself committed to Bridewell.—She had not been long there, before she learned my disaster, and coming up to me, after a compliment of condolance, enquired into the particulars of my fate: While we were engaged in discourse together, the master coming up, told me that the fellow on whose account I had suffered was taken, that he had confessed the theft, and cleared me of any concern in the affair; for which reason he, the master, had orders to discharge me, and that I was from that moment free. This piece of news soon banished all thoughts of death, and had such an instantaneous effect on my countenance, that Mrs. Coupler (the lady then present) hoping to find her account in me, very generously offered to furnish me with what necessaries I wanted, and take me into her own house, as soon as she could compromise matters with the j—ces.—The conditions of her offer, were, that I should pay three guineas weekly for my board, and a reasonable consideration besides for the use of such cloaths and ornaments as she should supply me with, to be deducted from the first profits of my embraces.—These were hard terms; but not be rejected by one who was turned out helpless and naked into the wide world, without a friend to pity or assist her.—I therefore embraced her proposal, and she being bailed in a few hours, took me home with her in a coach. As I was by this time conscious of having formerly disgusted my admirers by my reserved and haughty behaviour, I now endeavoured to conquer that disposition, and the sudden change of my fortune giving me a flow of spirits, I appeared in the most winning and gay manner I could assume. Having the advantage of a good voice and education over most of my rivals, I exerted my talents to the uttermost, and soon became the favourite with all company.—This success alarmed the pride and jealousy of Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear the thoughts of being eclipsed: She therefore made a merit of her envy, and whispered about among her customers that I was unsound.—There needed no more to ruin my reputation and blast my prosperity; every body shunned me with marks of aversion and disdain, and in a very short time I was as solitary as ever. Want of gallants was attended with want of money to satisfy my malicious landlady, who having purposely given me credit to the amount of eleven pounds, took out a writ against me, and I was arrested in her own house.—Though the room was crouded with people, when the bailif entered, not one of them had compassion enough to attempt to molify my prosecutrix, far less to pay the debt; they even laughed at my tears, and one of them bid me be of good cheer, for I should not want admirers in Newgate. At that instant a sea lieutenant came in, and seeing my plight, began to enquire into the circumstances of my misfortune, when this wit advised him to keep clear of me, for I was a fire-ship.—
"A fire-ship! (replied the sailor) more like a poor galley in distress that has been boarded by such a fire-ship as you; if so be that be the case, she stands in more need of assistance.—Harkee, my girl, how far have you over-run the constable?"—
I told him that the debt amounted to eleven pounds, besides the expence of the writ.—
"An that be all (said he) you shan't go to the bilboes this bout."—
And taking out his purse, paid the money, discharged the bailif, and telling me, I had got into the wrong port, advised me to seek out a more convenient harbour, where I could be safely hove down, for which purpose he made me a present of five guineas more.—I was so touched with this singular piece of generosity, that for some time I had not power to thank him.—However, as soon as I had recollected myself, I begged the favour of him to go with me to the next tavern, where I explained the nature of my disaster, and convinced him of the falsehood of what was reported to my prejudice so effectually, that he from that moment attached himself to me, and we lived in great harmony together, until he was obliged to go to sea, where he perished in a storm.
Having lost my benefactor, and almost consumed the remains of his bounty, I saw myself in danger of relapsing into my former necessity, and began to be very uneasy at the prospect of bailifs and jails;—when one of the sisterhood, a little stale, advised me to take lodgings in a part of the town where I was unknown, and pass for an heiress, which might entrap some body to be my husband, who would possibly be able to allow me an handsome maintenance, or at wont screen me from the dread and danger of a prison, by becoming liable for whatever debts I should contract.—I approved of this scheme, towards the execution of which my companion clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook to live with me in quality of my maid; with the proviso, that she should be reimbursed and handsomely considered out of the profits of my success.—She was immediately detached to look out for a convenient place, and that very day hired a genteel apartment in Park-street, whither I moved in a coach loaded with her baggage and my own.—I made my first appearance in a blue riding-habit trimmed with silver; and my maid acted her part so artfully, that in a day or two, my fame was spread all over the neighbourhood, and I was said to be a rich heiress just arrived from the country.—This report brought a swarm of gay young fellows about me; but I soon found them out to be all indigent adventurers like myself, who crouded to me like crows to a carrion, with a view of preying upon my fortune.—I maintained, however, the appearance of wealth as long as possible, in hopes of gaining some admirer more for my purpose; and at length, I attracted the regard of one who would have satisfied my wishes, and managed matters so well, that a day was actually fixed for our nuptials: In the interim, he begged leave to introduce an intimate friend to me, which request as I could not refuse, I had the extreme mortification and surprize, to see next night, in that friend, my old keeper Horatio, who no sooner beheld me than he changed colour; but had presence of mind enough to advance and salute me, bidding me (with a low voice) be under no apprehension, for he would not expose me.—In spite of this assurance, I could not recover myself so far, as to entertain them, but withdrew to my chamber on pretence of a severe head-ach, to the no small concern of my adorer, who took his leave in the tenderest manner, and went off with his friend.
Having imparted my situation to my companion, she found it high time for us to decamp, and that without any noise, because we were not only indebted to our landlady, but also to several tradesmen in the neighbourhood.—Our retreat (therefore) was concerted and executed in this manner: Having packed up all our cloaths and moveables in small parcels, she (on pretence of fetching cordials for me) carried them at several times, to the house of an acquaintance, where she likewise procured a lodging, to which we retired, in the middle of the night, opening the street door, when every other body in the house was asleep.—I was now obliged to aim at lower game, and accordingly spread my nets among trades people; but found them all too phlegmatic or cautious for my art and attractions; till at last I became acquainted with you, on whom I practised all my dexterity; not that I believed you had any fortune or expectation of one, but that I might transfer the burthen of such debts as I had incurred or could contract, from myself to another, and at the same time, avenge myself of your sex, by rendering miserable, one who bore such resemblance to the wretch who ruined me;—but heaven preserved you from my snares, by the discovery you made, which was owing to the negligence of my maid in leaving the chamber-door unlocked, when she went to buy sugar for breakfast.—The person in bed with me, was a gentleman whom I had allured the night before, as he walked homeward pretty much elevated with liquor; for by this time, my condition was so low, that I was forced to turn out, in the twilight, to the streets in hopes of prey.—When I found myself detected and forsaken by you, I was fain to move my lodging and dwell two pair of stairs higher than before: My companion being disappointed in her expectations, left me, to trade upon her own bottom, and I had no other resource, than to venture forth like the owls, in the dark, to pick up a precarious and uncomfortable subsistence. I have often sauntered between Ludgate-hill and Charing-cross, a whole winter-night, exposed not only to the inclemency of the weather, but likewise to the rage of hunger and thirst, without being so happy as to meet with one cully; then creep up to my garret in a deplorable, draggled condition, sneak to bed, and try to bury my appetite and sorrows in sleep.—When I lighted on some rake or tradesman reeling home drunk, I frequently suffered the most brutal treatment, in spite of which I was obliged to affect gaiety and good humour, tho' my soul was stung with resentment and disdain, and my heart loaded with grief and affliction.—In the course of these nocturnal adventures, I was infected with the disease, that in a short time render'd me the object of my own abhorrence, and drove me to the retreat, where your benevolence rescued me from the jaws of death.
So much candour and good sense appeared in this lady's narration, that I made no scruple of believing every syllable of what she said; and expressed my astonishment at the variety of miseries she had undergone, in so little time; for all her misfortunes had happened within the compass of two years.—I compared her situation with my own, and found it a thousand times more wretched: I had endured hardships, 'tis true; my whole life had been a series of such, and when I looked forward, the prospect was not much bettered—but then, they were become habitual to me, and consequently, I could bear them with less difficulty—If one scheme of life should not succeed, I could have recourse to another, and so to a third, veering about to a thousand different shifts, according to the emergencies of my fate, without forfeiting the dignity of my character, beyond a power of retrieving it, or subjecting myself wholly to the caprice and barbarity of the world. On the other hand, she had known and relished the sweets of prosperity, she had been brought up under the wings of an indulgent parent, in all the delicacies to which her sex and rank entitled her; and without any extravagance of hope, entertained herself with the view of uninterrupted happiness thro' the whole scene of life—How fatal then, how tormenting, how intolerable must her reverse of fortune be! a reverse, that not only robbs her of these external comforts, and plunges her into all the miseries of want, but also murthers her peace of mind, and entails upon her the curse of eternal infamy!—Of all professions I pronounced that of a courtezan the most deplorable, and her of all courtezans the most unhappy.—She allowed my observation to be just in the main, but at the same time, affirmed, that notwithstanding the disgraces which had fallen to her share, she had not been so unlucky in the condition of a prostitute as many others of the same community.—
"I have often seen (said she) while I strolled about the streets at mid-night, a number of naked wretches reduced to rags and filth, huddled together like swine, in the corner of a dark alley; some of whom, but eighteen months before, I had known the favourites of the town, rolling in affluence, and glittering in all the pomp of equipage and dress."—
And indeed the gradation is easily conceived; the most fashionable woman of the town is as liable to contagion, as one in a much humbler sphere; she infects her admirers, her situation is publick, she is avoided, neglected, unable to support her usual appearance, which however she strives to maintain as long as possible; her credit fails, she is obliged to retrench and become a night-walker, her malady gains ground, she tampers with her constitution and ruins it; her complexion fades, she grows nauseous to every body, finds herself reduced to a starving condition, is tempted to pick pockets, is detected, committed to Newgate, where she remains in a miserable condition, 'till she is discharged because the plaintiff appears not to prosecute her. No body will afford her lodging, the symptoms of her distemper are grown outrageous, she sues to be admitted into an hospital, where she is cured at the expence of her nose; she is turned out naked into the streets, depends upon the addresses of the canaille, is fain to allay the rage of hunger and cold with gin, degenerates into a state of brutal insensibility, rots and dies upon a dunghill.—Miserable wretch that I am! perhaps the same horrors are decreed for me!—
"No (cried she after some pause) I shall never live to such extremity of distress! my own hand shall open a way for my deliverance, before I arrive at that forlorn period!"—
Her condition filled me with sympathy and compassion; I revered her qualifications, looked upon her as unfortunate, not criminal; and attended her with such care and success, that in less than two months, her health, as well as my own, was perfectly re-established.—As we often conferred upon our mutual affairs, and interchanged advice; a thousand different projects were formed, which upon further canvassing appeared impracticable.—We would have gladly gone to service; but who would take us in without recommendation? At length an expedient occurred to her, of which she intended to lay hold; and this was, to procure with the first money she should earn, the homely garb of a country wench, go to some village at a good distance from town, and come up in a waggon, as a fresh girl for service; by which means, she might be provided for in a manner much more suitable to her inclination, than her present way of life.
CHAP. XXIV.
I am reduced to great misery—assaulted on Tower-hill by a press-gang, who put me on board a tender—my usage there—my arrival on board of the Thunder man of war, where I am put in irons, and afterwards released by the good offices of Mr. Thomson, who recommends me as assistant to the surgeon—he relates his own story, and makes me acquainted with the characters of the captain, surgeon, and first mate.
I Applauded the resolution of Miss Williams, who a few days after, was hired in quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies who had witnessed in her behalf at the Marshalsea; and who since that time had got credit with a wine merchant, whose favourite she was, to set up a convenient house of her own.—Thither my fellow lodger repaired, after having taken leave of me, with a torrent of tears, and a thousand protestations of eternal gratitude; assuring me, she would remain in this new situation no longer than till she should pick up money sufficient to put her other design in execution.
As for my own part, I saw no resource but the army or navy, between which I hesitated so long, that I found myself reduced to a starving condition.—My spirit began to accommodate itself to my beggarly fate, and I became so mean, as to go down towards Wapping, with an intention to enquire for an old school-fellow of mine, who (I understood) had got the command of a small coasting vessel, then in the river, and implore his assistance.—But my destiny prevented this abject piece of behaviour; for as I crossed Towerwharf, a squat tawny fellow, with a hanger by his side, and a cudgel in his hand, came up to me, calling,
"Yo, ho! brother, you must come along with me."—
As I did not like his appearance, instead of answering his salutation, I quickened my pace in hopes of ridding myself of his company; which he perceiving, whistled aloud, and immediately another sailor appeared before me, who laid hold of me by the collar and began to drag me along.—Not being of a humour to relish such treatment, I disengaged myself of the assailant, and with one blow of my cudgel, laid him motionless on the ground: and perceiving myself surrounded in a trice, by ten or a dozen more, exerted myself with such dexterity and success, that some of my opponents were fain to attack me with drawn cutlasses; and after an obstinate engagement, in which I received a large wound on the head, and another on my left cheek, I was disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on board a pressing tender; where, after being pinioned like a malefactor, I was thrust down into the hold, among a parcel of miserable wretches, the sight of whom well nigh distracted me.—As the commanding officer had not humanity enough to order my wounds to be dressed, and I could not use my own hands, I desired one of my fellow-captives who was unsettered, to take a handkerchief out of my pocket and tie it round my head to stop the bleeding. He pulled out my handkerchief ('tis true) but instead of applying it to the use for which I designed it, went to the grating of the hatchway, and with astonishing composure, sold it before my face to a bum-boatwoman
A bum boat-woman, is one who sells bread, cheese, greens, liquor, and fresh provision to the sailors, in a small boat that lies along-side of the ship.
then on board, for a quart of gin, with which he treated his companions, regardless of my circumstance and intreaties.
I complained bitterly of this robbery, to the midshipman on deck, telling him at the same time, that unless my hurts were dressed, I should bleed to death. But compassion was a weakness of which no man could justly accuse this person, who squirting a mouthful of dissolved tobacco upon me, through the gratings, told me,
"I was a mutinous dog, and that I might die and be damned."—
Finding there was no other remedy, I appealed to patience, and laid up this usage in my memory, to be recalled at a fitter season.—In the mean time, loss of blood, vexation and want of food, contributed, with the noisome stench of the place, to throw me into a swoon; out of which I was recovered by a tweak of the nose, administred by the tar who stood centinel over us, who at the same time regaled me with a draught of flip, and comforted me with the hopes of being put on board of the Thunder next day, where I would be freed from handcuffs, and cured of my wounds by the doctor.—I no sooner heard him name the Thunder, than I asked, if he had belonged to that ship long; and he giving me to understand, he had belonged to her five years, I enquired if he knew lieutenant Bowling?—
"Know lieutenant Bowling (said he)—odds my life! and that I do;—and a good seaman he is, as ever stept upon forecastle,—and a brave fellow as ever crackt bisket;—none of your Guinea pigs,—nor your fresh-water, wishy washy, fair-weather fowls.—Many a taught gale of wind has honest Tom Bowling and I weathered together.—Here's his health with all my heart, where-ever he is, a-loft or alow—in heaven or in hell—all's one for that—he needs not be ashamed to shew himself."—
I was so much affected with this elogium, that I could not refrain from telling him, I was lieutenant Bowling's kinsman; at which he expressed an inclination to serve me, and when he was relieved brought some cold boiled beef in a platter and biscuit, on which we supped plentifully, and afterwards drank another can of flip together. While we were thus engaged, he recounted a great many exploits of my uncle, who (I found) was very much beloved by the ship's company, and pitied for the misfortune that happened to him in Hispaniola, which I was very glad to be informed was not so great as I imagined; for captain Oakhum had recovered of his wounds, and actually at that time, commanded the ship. Having by accident, in my pocket my uncle's letter written from Port Louis, I gave it my benefactor (whose name was Jack Rattlin) for his perusal; but honest Jack told me frankly, he could not read, and desired to know the contents, which I immediately communicated: When he heard that part of it, in which, he says, he had wrote to his landlord in Deal; he cried,
"Body o' me! that was old Ben. Block,—he was dead before the letter came to hand.—Ey, ey, had Ben been alive, lieutenant Bowling would have had no occasion to sculk so long.—Honest Ben was the first man that taught him to hand, reef and steer.—Well, well, we must all die, that's certain,—we must all come to port sooner or later,—at sea or on shore; we must be fast moored one day,—death's like the best bower anchor, as the saying is, it will bring us all up."—
I could not but signify my approbation of the justness of Jack's reflections; and enquired into the occasion of the quarrel between captain Oakhum and my uncle, which he explained in this manner.—
"Captain Oakhum, to be sure, is a good man enough,—besides, he's my commander;—but what's that to me!—I do my duty, and value no man's anger of a rope's end.—Now the report goes, as how he is a lord's, or baron knight's brother, whereby (d'ye see me) he carries a strait arm, and keeps a loof from his officers, thof, may hap, they may be as good men in the main as he. Now we lying at anchor in Tuberoon bay, lieutenant Bowling had the middle watch, and as he always kept a good-look out, he made (d'ye see) three lights in the offing, whereby he run down to the great cabbin for orders, and found the captain asleep;—whereupon he waked him, which put him in a main high passion, and he swore woundily at the lieutenant, and called him lousy Scotch son of a whore, (for I being then centinel in the steerage, heard all) and swab and swabbard, whereby the lieutenant returned the salute, and they jawed together fore and aft a good spell, till at last the captain turned out, and laying hold of a rattan, came athwart Mr. Bowling's quarter; whereby he told the captain, that if he was not his commander, he would heave him over-board, and demanded satisfaction a-shore, whereby in the morning watch, the captain went ashore in the pinnace, and afterwards the lieutenant carried the cutter a-shore; and so they, leaving the boats crews on their oars, went away together; and so (d'ye see) in less than a quarter of an hour we heard firing, whereby we made for the place, and found the captain lying wounded on the beach, and so brought him on board to the doctor, who cured him in less than six weeks. But the lieutenant clapt on all the sail he could bear, and had got far enough a-head before we knew any thing of the matter; so that we could never after get sight of him, for which we were not sorry, because the captain was mainly wroth, and would certainly have done him a mischief;—for he afterwards caused him to be run on the ships books, whereby he lost all his pay, and if he should be taken, would be tried as a deserter."
This account of the captain's behaviour gave me no advantageous idea of his character; and I could not help lamenting my own fate, that had subjected me to such a commander. However, making a virtue of necessity, I put a good face on the matter, and next day was with the other pressed men put on board of the Thunder lying at the Nore.—When we came along-side, the mate who guarded us thither, ordered my hand-cuffs to be taken off, that I might get on board the easier; which being perceived by some of the company who stood upon the gangboards to see us enter, one of them called to Jack Rattlin, who was busied in doing this friendly office for me;
"Hey, Jack, what Newgate galley have you boarded in the river as you came along? Have we not thieves enow among us already?"
Another observing my wounds, which still remained exposed to the air, told me, my seams were uncaulked, and that I must be new payed.—A third, seeing my hair clotted together with blood, as it were, into distinct cords, took notice, that my bows were manned with the red ropes, instead of my side.—A fourth asked me, if I could not keep my yards square without iron braces? and in short, a thousand witticisms of the same nature, were passed upon me, before I could get up the ship's side.—After we had been all entered upon the books, I enquired at one of my ship-mates where the surgeon was, that I might have my wounds dressed, and had actually got as far as the middle deck (for our ship carried eighty guns) in my way to the cock-pit, when I was met by the same midshipman who had used me so barbarously in the tender: He seeing me free from my chains, asked, with an insolent air, who had released me? To this I foolishly answered, with a countenance that too plainly declared the state of my thoughts;
"Whoever did it, I am persuaded did not consult you in the affair."—
I had no sooner uttered these words, than he cried,
"D—n you, you saucy son of a b—ch, I'll teach you to talk so to your officer."—
So saying, he bestowed on me several severe stripes, with a supple Jack he had in his hand; and going to the commanding officer, made such a report of me, that I was immediately put in irons by the master at arms, and a centinel placed over me.—Honest Rattlin, as soon as he heard of my condition, came to me, and administred all the consolation he could, and then went to the surgeon in my behalf, who sent one of his mates to dress my wounds. This mate was no other than my old friend Thomson, with whom I became acquainted at the Navy-office, as before mentioned. If I knew him at first sight, it was not so easy for him to recognize me, disfigured with blood and dirt, and altered by the misery I had undergone.—Unknown as I was to him, he surveyed me with looks of compassion, and handled my sores with great tenderness. When he had applied what he thought proper, and was about to leave me, I asked him if my misfortunes had disquised me so much, that he could not recollect my face? Upon this he observed me with great earnestness for some time, and at length, protested he could not recollect one feature of my countenance.—To keep him no longer in suspence, I told him my name; which when he heard, he embraced me with affection, and professed his sorrow in seeing me in such a disagreeable situation. I made him acquainted with my story, and when he heard how inhumanly I had been used in the tender, he left me abruptly, assuring me, I should see him again soon. I had scarce time to wonder at his sudden departure, when the master at arms came to the place of my confinement, and bid me follow him to the quarter-deck, where I was examined by the first lieutenant, who commanded the ship in the absence of the captain, touching the treatment I had received in the tender from my friend the midshipman, who was present to confront me.—I recounted the particulars of his behaviour to me, not only in the tender, but since my being on board the ship, part of which being proved by the evidence of Jack Rattlin and others, who had no great devotion for my oppressor, I was discharged from confinement to make way for him, who was delivered to the master at arms to take his turn in the Bilboes.—And this was not the only satisfaction I enjoyed, for I was, at the request of the surgeon, exempted from all other duty, than that of assisting his mates in making and administring medicines to the sick.—This good office I owed to the friendship of Mr. Thomson, who had represented me in such a favourable light to the surgeon, that he demanded me of the lieutenant, to supply the place of his third mate, who was lately dead.—When I had obtained this favour, my friend Thomson carried me down to the cockpit, which is the place allotted for the habitation of the surgeon's mates: And when he had shewn me their birth (as he called it) I was filled with astonishment and horror.—We descended by divers ladders to a space as dark as a dungeon, which I understood was immersed several feet under water, being immediately above the hold: I had no sooner approached this dismal gulph, than my nose was saluted with an intolerable stench of putrified cheese, and rancid butter, that issued from an apartment at the foot of the ladder, resembling a chandler's shop, where, by the faint glimmering of a candle, I could perceive a man with a pale meagre countenance, sitting behind a kind of desk, having spectacles on his nose, and a pen in his hand.—This (I learned of Mr. Thomson) was the ship's steward, who sat there to distribute provision to the several messes, and to mark what each received.—He therefore presented my name to him, and desired I might be entered in his mess; then taking a light in his hand, conducted me to the place of his residence, which was a square of about six feet, surrounded with the medicine chest, that of the first mate, his own, and a board by way of table fastened to the mizen-mast it was also enclosed with canvas nailed round to the beams of the ship, to screen us from the cold, as well as the view of the midshipmen and quarter-masters, who lodged within the cable tiers on each side of us: In this gloomy mansion, he entertained me with some cold salt pork, which he brought from a sort of locker, fixed above the table; and calling for the boy of the mess, sent him for a can of beer, of which he made excellent flip to crown the banquet.—By this time I began to recover my spirits, which had been exceedingly depressed with the appearance of every thing about me, and could no longer refrain from asking the particulars of Mr. Thomson's fortune, since I had seen him in London.—He told me, that being disappointed in his expectations of borrowing money to gratify the rapacious s—t—ry at the Navy-office, he found himself utterly unable to subsist any longer in town, and had actually offered his service, in quality of mate, to the surgeon of a merchant's ship bound to Guinea on the slaving trade; when one morning, a young fellow, of whom he had some acquaintance, came to his lodgings, and informed him, that he had seen a wa rant made out in his name at the Navy-office, for surgeon's second mate of a third rate: This unexpected piece of good news he could scarcely believe to be true; more especially, as he had been found qualified at Surgeon's-hall for third mate only; but that he might not be wanting to himself, he went thither to be assured, and actually found it so: Whereupon, demanding his warrant, it was delivered to him, and the oaths administred immediately.—That very afternoon, he went to Gravesend in the tilt-boat, from whence he took a place in the tide-coach for Rochester; next morning got on board the Thunder, for which he was appointed, then lying in the harbour at Chatham; and the same day was mustered by the clerk of the checque.—And well it was for him, that such expedition was used; for in less then twelve hours after his arrival, another William Thomson came on board, affirming that he was the person for whom the warrant was expedited, and that the other was an impostor.—My friend was grievously alarmed at this accident; the more so, as his namesake had very much the advantage over him, both in assurance and dress.—However, to acquit himself of the suspicion of imposture, he produced several letters written from Scotland to him in that name, and recollecting that his indentures were in his box on board, he brought them up, and convinced all present, that he had not assumed a name which did not belong to him.—His competitor enraged, that they should hesitate in doing him justice (for to be sure, the warrant had been designed for him) behaved with so much indecent heat, that the commanding officer, (who was the same gentleman I had seen) and the surgeon, were offended at his presumption, and making a point of it with their friends in town, in less than a week got the first confirmed in his station.—
"I have been on board (said he) ever since, and as this way of life is become familiar to me, have no cause to complain of my situation.—The surgeon is a good-natured indolent man; the first mate (who is now on shore on duty) is indeed a little proud and cholerick, as all Welchmen are, but in the main, a friendly honest fellow.—The lieutenants I have no concern with; and as for the captain, he is too much of a gentleman to know a surgeon's mate, even by sight."
CHAP. XXV.
The behaviour of Mr. Morgan—his pride, displeasure and generosity—the oeconomy of our mess described—Thomson's further friendship—the nature of my duty explained—the situation of the sick.
WHILE he was thus discoursing to me, we heard a voice on the cockpit ladder, pronounce with great vehemence, in a strange dialect,
"The devil and his dam blow me from the top of Mounchdenny, if I go to him before there is something in my belly;—let his nose be as yellow as a saffron, or as plue as a pell (look you) or as green as a leek, 'tis all one."—
To this somebody answered,
"So it seems my poor mess-mate must part his cable for want of a little assistance.—His fore-top-sail is loose already; and besides, the doctor ordered you to overhaul him;—but I see, you don't mind what your master says."—
Here he was interrupted with,
"Splutter and vons! you lousy tog, who do you call my master? get you gone to the doctor, and tell him my birth, and my education, and my abilities; and moreover, my behaviour is as good as his, or any gentleman's (no disparagement to him) in the whole world—Got pless my soul! does he think, or conceive, or imagine, that I am a horse, or an ass, or a goat, to trudge backwards and forwards, and upwards and downwards, and by sea and by land, at his will and pleasures?—Go your ways, you rapscallion, and tell doctor Atkins, that I desire and request, that he will give a look upon the tying man, and order something for him, if he be dead or alive, and I will see him take it by and by, when my craving stomach is satisfied, look you."—
At this the other went away, saying, that if they would serve him so, when he was a dying, by G—d, he'd be foul of them in the other world.—Here Mr. Thomson let me know that the person we heard, was Mr. Morgan the first mate, who was just come on board from the hospital, where he had been with sick people.—At the same time, I saw him come into the birth.—He was a short thick man, with a face garnished with pimples, a snub nose turned up at the end, an excessive wide mouth, and little fiery eyes, surrounded with skin puckered up in innumerable wrinkles.—My friend immediately made him acquainted with my case; when he regarded me with a very lofty look, but without speaking, set down a bundle he had in his hand, and approached the cupboard, which when he had opened, he exclaimed in a great passion,
"Cot is my life! all the pork is gone, as I am a christian!"
Thomson then gave him to understand, that as I had been brought on board half famished, he could do no less than entertain me with what was in the locker; and the rather, as he had bid the steward enter me in the mess.—Whether this disappointment made Mr. Morgan more peevish than usual, or he really thought himself too little regarded by his fellowmate, I know not, but after some pause, he went on in this manner—
"Mr. Thomson, perhaps you do not use me with all the good manners, and complaisance, and respect (look you) that becomes you, because you have not vouchsafed to advise with me in this affair.—I have, in my time (look you) been a man of some weight, and substance, and consideration, and have kept house and home, and paid scot and lot, and the king's taxes; ay, and maintained a family to boot.—And moreover, also, I am your senior, and your elder, and your petter, Mr. Thomson."—
"My elder I'll allow you to be, but not my better (cried Thomson, with some heat.)"—
"Cot is my saviour, and witness too (said Morgan, with great vehemence) that I am more elder, and therefore more petter by many years than you."—
Fearing this dispute might be attended with some bad consequence, I interposed, and told Mr. Morgan, I was very sorry for having been the occasion of any difference between him and the second mate; and that rather than cause the least breach in their good understanding, I would eat my allowance by myself, or seek admission into some other company.—But Thomson, with more spirit than discretion (as I thought) insisted upon my remaining where he had appointed me; and observed that no man possessed of generosity and compassion, would have any objection to it, considering my birth and talents, and the misfortunes I had of late so unjustly undergone.—This was touching Mr. Morgan on the right key, who protested with great earnestness, that he had no objection to my being received in the mess; but only complained, that the ceremony of asking his consent was not observed.
"As for a shentleman in distress (said he, shaking me by the hand) I lofe him as I lofe my own powels: For Got help me! I have had vexations enough upon my own pack."—
And as I afterwards learned, in so saying he spoke no more than what was true; for he had been once settled in a very good situation in Glamorganshire, and was ruined by being security for an acquaintance.—All differences being composed, he united his bundle, which consisted of three bunches of onions, and a great lump of Cheshire-cheese wrapt up in a handkerchief; and taking some biscuit from the cupboard, fell to with a keen appetite, inviting us to a share of the repast.—When he had fed heartily on this homely fare, he filled a large cup made of a cocoa-nut-shell, with brandy, and drinking it off, told us,
"Prandy was the best menstruum for onion and sheese."—
His hunger being appeased, he began to shew a great deal of good humour; and being inquisitive about my birth, no sooner understood that I was descended of a good family, then he discovered a particular good-will to me on that account, deducing his own pedigree in a direct line from the famous Caractacus king of the Britons, who was first the prisoner and afterwards the friend of Claudius Caesar.— Perceiving how much I was reduced in point of linnen, he made me a present of two good ruffled shirts, which with two of check Mr. Thomson gave me, enabled me to appear with decency.—Mean while the sailor, whom Mr. Morgan had sent to the doctor, brought a prescription for his mess-mate, which when Mr. Welchman had read, he got up to prepare it, and asked if the man was "Tead or alive."—
"Dead! (replied Jack) if he was dead he would have no occasion for doctor's stuff.—No, thank God, death has'n't as yet boarded him, but they have been yard arm and yard arm these three glasses."—
"Are his eyes open? (continued the mate.)"—
"His starboard eye (said the sailor) is open, but fast jamm'd in his head; and the haulyards of his underjaw are given way."—
"Passion of my heart! (cried Morgan) the man is as pad as one would desire in a summer's day!—Did you feel his pulses?
To this, the other replied with
"Anan?"—
Upon which this Cambro Briton, with great earnestness and humanity, ordered the tar to run to his mess-mate and keep him alive till he should come with the medicine,
"and then (said he) you shall peradventure, pehold what you shall see."—
The poor fellow with great simplicity ran to the place where the sick man lay, but in less than a minute, returned with a woful countenance, and told us his comrade had struck. Morgan hearing this, exclaimed,
"Mercy upon my salfation! why did you not stop him till I came?"—
"Stop him (said the other) I hailed him several times, but he was too far on his way, and the enemy had got possession of his close quarters; so that he did not mind me."—
"Well, well, (said he) we all owe heaven a Teath.—Go your ways, you ragamuffin, and take an example and a warning, look you, and repent of your misteets."—
So saying, he pushed the seamen out of the birth.
While he entertained us with reflections suitable to this event, we heard the boatswain pipe to dinner; and immediately the boy belonging to our mess, run to the locker, from whence he carried off a large wooden platter, and in a few minutes, returned with it full of boiled peas, crying,
"Scaldings,"
all the way as he came.—The cloath, consisting of a piece of an old sail, was instantly laid, covered with three plates, which by the colour, I could with difficulty discern to be metal, and as many spoons of the same composition, two of which were curtailed in the handles, and the other in the lip. Mr. Morgan himself enriched this mess with a lump of salt butter, scooped from an old gallipot, and a handful of onions shorn, with some pounded pepper.—I was not very much tempted with the appearance of this dish, of which, nevertheless, my mess-mates eat heartily, advising me to follow their example, as it was banyan day, and we could have no meat till next noon.—But I had already laid in sufficient for the occasion; and therefore desired to be excused; expressing a curiosity to know the meaning of banyan day.—They tole me, that on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, the ship's company had no allowance of meat, and that these meagre days were called banyan days, the reason of which they did not know; but I have since learned they take their denomination from a sect of devotees in some parts of the East Indies, who never taste flesh.
After dinner, Thomson led me round the ship' shewed me the different parts, described their uses, and as far as he could, made me acquainted with the particulars of the discipline and oeconomy practised on board.—He then demanded of the boatswain, an hammock for me, which was slung in a very neat manner by my friend Jack Rattlin; and as I had no bed-Cloaths, procured credit for me with the purser, for a matrass and two blankets.—At seven a-clock in the evening, Morgan visited the sick, and having ordered what was proper for each, I assisted Thomson in making up his prescriptions: But when I followed him with the medicines into the sick birth or hospital, and observed the situation of the patients, I was much less surprised to find people die on board, than astonished to find any body recover.—Here I saw about fifty miserable distempered wretches, suspended in rows, so huddled one upon another, that not more than fourteen inches of space was allotted for each with his bed and bedding; and deprived of the light of the day, as well as of fresh air; breathing nothing but a noisome atmosphere of the morbid steams exhaling from their own excrements and diseased bodies, devoured with vermin hatched in the filth that surrounded them, and destitute of every convenience necessary for people in that helpless condition.
CHAP. XXVI.
A disagreeable accident happens to me in the discharge of my office—Morgan's nose is offended—a dialogue between him and the ship's steward—upon examination, I find more causes of complaint than one—my hair is cut off—Morgan's Cookery—the manner of sleeping on board—I am waked in the night by a dreadful noise.
I Could not comprehend how it was possible for the attendants to come near those who hung on the inside towards the sides of the ship, in order to assist them, as they seemed barricadoed by those who lay on the outside, and entirely out of the reach of all visitation.—Much less could I conjecture how my friend Thomson would be able to administer clysters, that were ordered for some in that situation.—When I saw him thrust his wig in his pocket, and strip himself to his waistcoat in a moment, then creep on all fours, under the hammocks of the sick, and forcing up his bare pate between two, kept them asunder with one shoulder, until he had done his duty.—Eager to learn the service, I desired he would give me leave to perform the next operation of that kind; he consenting, I undressed myself after his example, and crawling along, the ship happened to roll, which alarmed me; I laid hold of the first thing that came within my grasp, with such violence, that I overturned it, and soon found by the smell that issued upon me, I had not unlocked a box of the most delicious perfume; it was well for me that my nostrils was none of the most delicate, else I know not how I might have been affected by this vapour, which diffused itself all over the ship to the utter discomposure of every body who tarried on the same deck;—neither was the consequence of this disgrace confined to my sense of smelling only, for I felt my misfortune more ways than one. That I might not, however, appear altogether disconcerted in this my
coup d'essai,
I got up, and pushing my head with great force between two hammocks, towards the middle, where the greatest resistance was, I made an opening indeed, but not understanding the knack of dexterously turning my shoulder to maintain my advantage, I had the mortification to find myself stuck up as it were in a pillory, and the weight of three or four people bearing on each side of my neck, so that I was in danger of strangulation.—While I remained in this defenceless posture, one of the sick men, rendered peevish by his distemper, was so enraged at the smell I had occasioned, and the rude shock he had received from me in my elevation, that with many bitter reproaches, he seized me by the nose, which he tweaked so unmercifully that I roared with anguish. Thomson perceiving my condition, ordered one of the waiters to my assistance, who with much difficulty disengaged me from this embarras, and hindered me from taking vengeance of the sick man, whose indisposition would not have screened him from the effects of my indignation.
After having made an end of our ministry for that time, we descended to the cockpit, my friend comforting me for what had happened, with a homely proverb, which I do not chuse to repeat.—When we had got half way down the ladder, Mr. Morgan, before he saw us, having intelligence by his nose, of the approach of something extraordinary, cried,
"Cot have mercy upon my senses! I pelieve the enemy has poarded us in a stink-pot!"
Then directing his discourse to the steward, from whom he imagined the odour proceeded, he reprimanded him severely for the freedoms he took among gentlemen of birth, threatned to smoak him like a padger with sulphur, if ever he should presume to offend his neighbours with such smells, for the future: The steward, conscious of his own innocence, replied with some warmth,
"I know of no smells but those of your own making."—
This repartee introduced a smart dialogue, in which the Welchman undertook to prove, that though the stench he complained of, did not flow from the steward's own body, he was nevertheless the author of it, by serving out damaged provisions to the ship's company; and in particular, putrified cheese, from the use of which only, he affirmed, such unsavoury steams could arise.—Then he launched cut into praises of good cheese, of which he gave the analysis; explained the different kinds of that commodity, with the methods practised to make and preserve it; and concluded with observing, that in yielding good cheese, the county of Glamorgan might vie with Cheshire itself, and was much superior to it in the produce of goats and putter.—I gathered from this conversation, that if I went into the birth in my present pickle, I should be no welcome guest, and therefore desired Mr. Thomson to go before, and represent my calamity; at which the first mate expressing some concern, went upon deck immediately, taking his way through the cable tire, and by the main hatchway, to avoid encountering with me; desiring me to clean myself as soon as possible, for he intended to regale himself with a dish of salmagundy and a pipe.—Accordingly, I set about this disagreeable business, and soon found I had more causes of complaint than I at first imagined: For I perceived some guests had honoured me with their company, whose visit I did not at all think seasonable; neither did they seem inclined to leave me in a hurry, being in possession of my chief quarters, where they fed without reserve at the expence of my blood.—But considering it would be much easier to extirpate this ferocious colony in the infancy of their settlement, than after they should be multiplied and naturalized to the soil, I took the advice of my friend, who, to prevent such misfortunes, went always closs shaved, and made the boy of our mess cut off my hair, which had been growing since I lest the service of Lavement. The second mate lent me an old bob wig to supply the loss of that covering. This affair being ended, and every thing adjusted in the best manner my circumstances would permit, the descendant of Caractacus returned, and ordering the boy to bring a piece of salt beef from the brine, cut off a slice and mixed it with an equal quantity of onions, which seasoning with a moderate proportion of pepper and salt, he brought it into a consistence with oil and vinegar.—Then tasting the dish, assured us, it was the best salmagundie, that ever he made, and recommended it to our palate with such heartiness, that I could not help doing honour to his preparation. But I had no sooner swallowed a mouthful, than I thought my entrails were scorched, and endeavoured with a deluge of small beer, to allay the heat it occasioned.—Supper being over, Mr. Morgan having smoaked a couple of pipes, and supplied the moisture he had expended with as many cans of flip, of which we all partook, a certain yawning began to admonish me, that it was high time to repair by sleep the injury I had suffered from want of rest the preceeding night; which being perceived by my companions, whose time of repose was by this time arrived, they proposed we should turn in, or in other words, go to bed. Our hammocks, which hung parallel to one another, on the outside of our birth, were immediately unlashed, and I beheld each of my mess-mates spring with great agility into his respective nest, where they seemed to lie concealed, very much at their ease.—But it was some time before I could prevail upon myself to trust my carcase at such a distance from the ground, in a narrow bag, out of which, I imagined, I should be apt, on the least motion in my sleep, to tumble down at the hazard of breaking my bones. I suffered myself, however, to be persuaded, and taking a leap to get in, threw myself quite over, with such violence, that had I not luckily got hold of Thomson's hammock, I should have pitched upon my head on the other side, and in all likelihood fractured my scull.—After some fruitless efforts, I succeeded at last; but the apprehension of the jeopardy in which I believed myself, withstood all the attacks of sleep, till towards the morningwatch, when in spite of my fears, I was over-powered with slumber: tho' I did not long enjoy this comfortable situation; being arroused with a noise so loud and shrill, that I thought the drums of my ears were burst by it; this was followed by a dreadful summons pronounced by a hoarse voice, which I could not understand. While I was debating with myself whether or not I should wake my companion, and enquire into the occasion of this disturbance, I was informed by one of the quarter-masters, who passed by me with a lanthorn in his hand, that the noise which alarmed me, was occasioned by the boatswain's mates who called up the larboard watch, and that I must lay my account with such interruption every morning at the same hour.—Being now more assured of of my safety, I addressed myself again to rest, and slept till eight a-clock, when getting up, and breakfasting with my comrades, on biscuit and brandy, the sick were visited and assisted as before; after which my good friend Thomson explained and performed another piece of duty, to which I was a stranger.—At a certain hour in the morning, the boy of the mess went round all the decks, ringing a small hand-bell, and in rhimes composed for the occasion, inviting all those who had sores to repair before the mast, where one of the doctor's mates attended, with applications to dress them.
CHAP. XXVII.
I acquire the friendship of the surgeon, who procures a warrant for me, and makes me a present of cloaths—a battle between a midshipman and me—the surgeon leaves the ship—the captain comes on board with another surgeon—a dialogue between the captain and Morgan—the sick are ordered to be brought upon the quarter-deck and examined—the consequences of that order—a madman accuses Morgan, and is set at liberty by command of the captain, whom he instantly attacks and pummels without mercy.
WHILE I was busied with my friend in this practice, the doctor chanced to pass by the place where we were, and stopping to observe me, appeared very well satisfied with my method of application; and afterwards sent for me to his cabbin, where, having examined me touching my skill in surgery, and the particulars of my fortune, interested himself so far in my behalf, as to promise his assistance in procuring a warrant for me, seeing I had been already found qualified at Surgeon's hall, for the station I now filled on board; and this he the more cordially engaged in, when he understood I was nephew to lieutenant Bowlin
for whom he expressed a particular regard.—In the mean time, I could learn from his discourse, that he did not intend to go to sea again with captain Oakhum, having, as he thought, been indifferently used by him during the last voyage.
While I lived tollerably easy, in expectation of preferment, I was not altogether without mortifications, which I not only suffered from the rude insults of the sailors, and petty officers, among whom I was known by the name of
Loblolly Boy;
but also from the disposition of Morgan, who, though friendly in the main, was often very troublesome with his pride, which expected a good deal of submission from me, and delighted in recapitulating the favours I had received at his hands.
About six weeks after my arrival on board, the surgeon bidding me follow him into his cabbin, presented a warrant to me, by which I was appointed surgeon's third mate on board the Thunder.—This he had procured by his interest at the Navy-office; as also another for himself, by virtue of which he was removed into a second rate. I acknowledged his kindness in the strongest terms my gratitude could suggest, and professed my sorrow at the prospect of losing such a valuable friend, to whom I hoped to have recommended myself still further, by my respectful and diligent behaviour.—But his generosity rested not here;—for, before he left the ship, he made me a present of a chest and some cloaths, that enabled me to support the rank to which he had raised me.—I found my spirit revive with my good fortune; and now I was an officer, resolved to maintain the dignity of my station, against all opposition or affronts; nor was it long before I had occasion to exert my resolution; my old enemy the midshipman (whose name was Crampley) entertaining an implacable animosity against me, for the disgrace he had suffered on my account, had since that time taken all opportunities of reviling and ridiculing me, when I was not intitled to retort his bad usage.—And even after I had been rated on the books, and mustered as surgeon's mate, did not think fit to restrain his insolence.—In particular, being one day present, while I dressed a wound in a sailor's leg, he began to sing a song, which I thought highly injurious to the honour of my country, and therefore signified my resentment, by observing, that the Scots always laid their account in finding enemies among the ignorant, insignificant and malicious.—This unexpected piece of assurance enraged him to such a degree, that he lent me a blow on the face, which I verily thought had demolished my cheekbone; I was not slow in returning the obligation, and the affair began to be very serious, when by accident Mr. Morgan, and one of the master's mates, coming that way, interposed, and inquiring into the cause, endeavoured to promote a reconciliation; but finding us both exasperated to the uttermost, and bent against accommodation, they advised us, either to leave our difference undecided till we should have an opportunity of terminating it on shore, like gentlemen, or else chuse a proper place on board, and bring it to an issue by boxing. This last expedient was greedily embraced; and being forthwith conducted to the ground proposed, we stript in a moment, and began a very furious contest, in which I soon found myself inferior to my antagonist, not so much in strength and agility, as in skill, which he had acquired in the school at Hockley in the Hole and Tottenham-Court.—Many cross-buttocks did I sustain, and pegs on the stomach without number, till at last, my breath being quite gone, as well as my vigour wasted, I grew desperate, and collecting all my spirits in one effort, threw in at once head, hands, and feet with such violence, that I drove my antagonist three paces backward into the main hatch-way, down which he fell, and pitching upon his head and right shoulder, remained without sense and motion.—Morgan looking down, and seeing him lie in that condition, cried,
"Upon my conscience, as I am a Christian sinner (look you) I believe his pattles are all ofer; but I take you all to witness that there was no treachery in the case, and that he has suffered by the chance of war."—
So saying, he descended to the deck below, to examine into the situation of my adversary; and left me very little pleased with my victory, as I found myself not only terribly bruised, but likewise in danger of being called to account for the death of Crampley: But this fear vanished when my fellow-mate, having by bleeding him in the juglar, brought him to himself, and assured himself of the state of his body, called up to me, to be under no concern, for the midshipman had received no other damage than as pretty a luxation of the
os humeri,
as one would desire to see on a summer's day.—Upon this information, I crawled down to the cockpit, and acquainted Thomson with the affair, who, providing himself with bandages, &c. necessary for the occasion, went up to assist Mr. Morgan in the reduction of the dislocation.—When this was successfully performed, they wished me joy of the event of the combat; and the Welchman, after observing, that in all likelihood, the ancient Scots and Britons were the same people, bid me
"Praise Cot for putting mettle in my pelly, and strength in my limbs to support it."—
I acquired such reputation by this recounter (which lasted twenty minutes) that every body became more cautious of his behaviour towards me; though Crampley with his arm in a sling, talked very high, and threatened to seize the first opportunity of retrieving on shore, the honour he had lost by an accident, from which I could justly claim no merit.
About this time, captain Oakhum, having received sailing orders, came on board, and brought along with him a surgeon of his own country, who soon made us sensible of the loss we suffered in the departure of doctor Atkins; being grossly ignorant, and intolerably assuming, false, vindictive, and unforgiving; a merciless tyrant to his inferiors, an abject sycophant to those above him. In the morning after the captain came on board, our first mate, according to custom, went to wait on him with a sick list, which when this grim commander had perused, he cried with a stern countenance,
"Blood and oons! sixty-one sick people on board of my ship!—Harkee you, sir, I'll have no sick in my ship, by G—d."
The Welchman replied, he should be very glad to find no sick people on board; but while it was otherwise, he did no more than his duty in presenting him with a list.—
"You and your list may be d—n'd, (said the captain, throwing it at him) I say, there shall be no sick in this ship while I have the command of her."—
Mr. Morgan being nettled at this treatment, told him, his indignation ought to be directed to Got Almighty, who visited his people with distempers, and not to him, who contributed all in his power towards their cure. The Bashaw not being used to such behaviour in any of his officers, was enraged to fury at this satirical insinuation, and stamping with his foot, called him insolent scoundrel, threatning to have him pinioned to the deck, if he should presume to utter another syllable. But the blood of Caractacus being thoroughly heated, disdained to be restricted by such a command, and began to manifest itself in,
"Captain Oakoum, I am a shentleman of birth and parentage (look you) and peradventure, I am moreover—."
Here his harrangue was broke off by the captain's steward, who being Morgan's countryman, hurried him out of the cabbin before he had time to exasperate his master to a greater degree, which would certainly have been the case; for the indignant Welchman, could hardly be hindered by his friend's arguments and intreaties, from reentering the presence chamber, and defying captain Oakhum to his teeth.—He was, however, appeased at length, and came down to the birth, where finding Thomson and me at work preparing medicines, he bid us leave off our lapour and go to play, for the captain, by his sole word and power and command, had driven sickness a pegging to the tevil, and there was no more malady on poard. So saying, he drank off a gill of brandy, sighed grievously three times, poured forth an ejaculation of
"Got pless my heart, liver, and lungs!"
and then began to sing a Welch song with great earnestness of visage, voice and gesture.—I could not conceive the meaning of this singular phaenomenon, and saw by the looks of Thomson, who at the same time, shook his head, that he suspected poor Cadwallader's brains were unsettled. He perceiving our amazement, told us, he would explain the mystery; but at the same time, bid us take notice, that he had lived poy, patchelor, married man and widower, almost forty years, and in all that time, there was no man nor mother's son in the whole world, who durst use him so ill as captain Oakhum had done. Then he acquainted us with the dialogue that passed between them, as I have already related it; and had no sooner finished this narration, than he received a message from the surgeon, to bring the sick-list to the quarter-deck, for the captain had ordered all the patients thither to be reviewed.—This inhuman order shocked us extremely, as we knew it would be impossible to carry some of them on the deck, without imminent danger of their lives; but as we likewise knew it would be to no purpose for us to remonstrate against it, we repaired to the quarter-deck in a body, to see this extraordinary muster; Morgan observing by the way, that the captain was going to send to the other world, a great many evidences to testify against himself.—When we appeared upon deck, the captain bid the doctor, who stood bowing at his right hand, look at these lazy, lubberly sons of bitches, who were good for nothing on board, but to eat the king's provision, and encourage idleness in the skulkers.—The surgeon grinned approbation, and taking the list, began to examine the complaints of each as they could crawl to the place appointed.—The first who came under his cognizance, was a poor fellow just freed of a fever, which had weakened him so much, that he could hardly stand.—Mr. Mackshane (for that was the doctor's name) having felt his pulse, protested he was as well as any man in the world; and the captain delivered him over to the boatswain's mate, with orders that he should receive a round dozen at the gangway immediately, for counterfeiting himself sick when he was not;—but before the discipline could be executed, the man dropt down on the deck, and had well nigh perished under the hands of the executioner.—The next patient to be considered, laboured under a quartan ague, and being then, in his interval of health, discovered no other symptoms of distemper, than a pale meagre countenance, and emaciated body; upon which, he was declared fit for duty, and turned over to the boatswain;—but being resolved to disgrace the doctor, died upon the forecastle next day, during his cold fit.—The third complained of a pleuretic stitch, and spitting of blood, for which doctor Mackshane prescribed exercise at the pump to promote expectoration; but whether this was improper for one in his situation, or that it was used to excess, I know not, but in less than half an hour, he was suffocated with a deluge of blood that issued from his lungs.—A fourth, with much difficulty climbed to the quarter-deck, being loaded with a monstrous ascites or dropsy, that invaded his chest so much, he could scarce fetch his breath; but his disease being interpreted into fat, occasioned by idleness and excess of eating, he was ordered, with a view to promote perspiration and enlarge his chest, to go aloft immediately: It was in vain for this unwieldy wretch, to alledge his utter incapacity, the boatswain's driver was commanded to whip him up with a cat and nine tails: The smart of this application made him exert himself so much, that he actually arrived at the foot-hook-shrouds, but when the enormous weight of his body had nothing else to support it than his weakened arms, either out of spite or necessity, he quitted his hold, and plumped into the sea, where he must have been drowned, had not a sailor who was in a boat along-side, saved his life, by keeping him afloat, till he was hoisted on board by a tackle—It would be tedious and disagreeable to describe the fate of every miserable object that suffered by the inhumanity and ignorance of the captain and surgeon, who so wantonly sacrificed the lives of their fellow-creatures. Many were brought up in the height of fevers, and rendered delirious by the injuries they suffered in the way.—Some gave up the ghost in the presence of their inspectors; and others, who were ordered to their duty, languished a few days at work, among their fellows, and then departed without any ceremony.—On the whole, the number of sick was reduced to less than a dozen; and the authors of this reduction were applauding themselves for the service they had done to their king and country, when the boatswain's mate informed his honour, that there was a man below lashed to his hammock by the direction of the doctor's mate, and that he begged hard to be released; affirming, he had been so maltreated only for a grudge Mr. Morgan bore to him, and that he was as much in his senses as any man aboard.—The captain hearing this, darted a severe look at the Welchman, and ordered the man to be brought up immediately: Upon which, Morgan protested with great fervency, that the person in question was as mad as a March-hare; and begged for the the love of Got, they would at least keep his arms pinioned during his examination, to prevent him from doing mischief.—This request the commander granted for his own sake, and the patient was produced, who insisted upon his being in his right wits with such calmness and strength of argument, that every body present was inclined to believe him, except Morgan, who affirmed there was no trusting to appearances; for he himself had been so much imposed upon by his behaviour two days before, that he had actually unbound him with his own hands, and had well nigh been murdered for his pains: this was confirmed by the evidence of one of the waiters, who declared, he had pulled this patient from the doctor's mate, whom he had gotten down and almost strangled.—To this the man answered, that the witness was a creature of Morgan's, and was suborned to give his testimony against him by the malice of the mate, whom the defendant had affronted, by discovering to the people on board, that Mr. Morgan's wife kept a gin-shop in Rag-Fair.—This anecdote produced a laugh at the expence of the Welchman, who shaking his head with some emotion, said,
"Ay, ay, 'tis no matter.—Got knows, 'tis an arrant falshood."—
Captain Oakhum, without any further hesitation, ordered the fellow to be unfettered; at the same time, threatening to make Morgan exchange situations with him for his spite; but the Briton no sooner heard the decision in favour of the madman, than he got up the mizzen-shrouds, crying to Thomson and me to get out of his reach, for we should see him play the tevil with a vengeance. We did not think fit to disregard this caution, and accordingly got up on the poop, whence we beheld the maniac (as soon as he was released) fly at the captain like a fury, crying,
"I'll let you know, you scoundrel, that I am commander of this vessel"—
and pummel him without mercy. The surgeon, who went to the assistance of his patron, shared the same fate; and it was with the utmost difficulty, that he was mastered at last, after having done great execution among those who opposed him.
CHAP. XXVIII.
The captain enraged, threatens to put the madman to death with his own hand—is diverted from that resolution by the arguments and persuasion of the first lieutenant and surgeon—we set sail for St. Helens, join the fleet under the command of Sir C—n—r O—le, and proceed for the West-Indies—are overtaken by a terrible tempest—my friend Jack Rattlin has his leg broke by a fall from the main-yard—the behaviour of doctor Mackshane—Jack opposes the amputation of his limb, in which he is seconded by Morgan and me, who undertake the cure, and perform it successfully.
THE captain was carried into his cabbin, so enraged with the treatment he had received, that he ordered the sellow to be brought before him, that he might have the pleasure of pistoling him with his own hand; and would certainly have satisfied his revenge in this manner, had not the first lieutenant remonstrated against it, by observing that in all appearance, the fellow was not mad but desperate; that he had been hired by some enemy of the captain to assassinate him, and therefore ought to be kept in irons till he could be brought to a court-martial, which, no doubt, would sift the affair to the bottom, by which, important discoveries might be made, and then sentence the criminal to a death adequate to his demerits.—This suggestion, improbable as it was, had the desired effect upon the captain, being exactly calculated for the meridian of his intellects; more especially, as doctor Mackshane espoused this opinion, in consequence of his previous declaration that the man was not mad.—Morgan finding there was no more damage done, could not help discovering by his countenance, the pleasure he enjoyed on this occasion; and while he bathed the doctor's face with an embrocation, ventured to ask him, Whether he thought there were more fools or madmen on board? But he would have been wiser in containing this sally, which his patient carefully laid up in his memory, to be taken notice of at a more fit season.—Mean while we weighed anchor, and on our way to the Downs, the madman, who was treated as a prisoner, took an opportunity, while the centinel attended him at the head, to leap over-board, and frustrate the revenge of the captain.—We staid not long at the downs, but took the benefit of the first easterly wind to go round to Spithead; where having received on board provisions for six months, we sailed from St. Helens, in the grand fleet bound for the West-Indies on the ever memorable expedition of Carthagena.
It was not without great mortification, I saw myself on the point of being transported to such a distant and unhealthy climate, destitute of every convenience that could render such a voyage supportable; and under the dominion of an arbitrary tyrant, whose command was almost intolerable: However, as these complaints were common to a great many on board, I resolved to submit patiently to my fate, and contrive to make myself as easy as the nature of the case would allow.—We got out of the channel with a prosperous breeze, which died away, leaving us becalmed about fifty leagues to the westward of the Lizard: But this state of inaction did not last long; for next night our main-top-sail was split by the wind, which in the morning encreased to a hurricane.—I was wakened by a most horrible din, occasioned by the play of the gun carriages upon the decks above, the creaking of cabins, the howling of the wind through the shrouds, the confused noise of the ship's crew, the pipes of the boatswain and his mates, the trumpets of the lieutenants, and the clanking of the chainpumps.—Morgan, who had never been at sea before, turned out in a great hurry, crying,
"Got have mercy and compassion upon us! I believe we have got upon the confines of Lucifer and the d—ned!"—
while poor Thomson lay quaking in his hammock, putting up petitions to heaven for our safety.—I got out of bed and joined the Welchman, with whom (after having fortified ourselves with brandy) I went above; but if my sense of hearing was startled before, how must my sight be appalled in beholding the effects of the storm? The sea was swelled into billows mountain-high, on the top of which our ship sometimes hung, as if it was about to be precipitated to the abyss below! Sometimes we sunk between two waves that rose on each side higher than our topmast head, and threatned by dashing together, to overwhelm us in a moment! Of all our fleet, consisting of a hundred and fifty sail, scarce twelve appeared, and these driving under their bare poles, at the mercy of the tempest. At length the masts of one of them gave way, and tumbled over-board with a hideous crash! Nor was the prospect in our own ship much more agreeable;—a number of officers and sailors run backward and forward with distraction in their looks, hollowing to one another, and unknowing what they should attend to first. Some clung to the yards, endeavouring to unbend the sails that were split into a thousand pieces flapping in the wind; others tried to furl those which were yet whole, while the masts, at every pitch, bent and quivered like twigs, as if they would have shivered into innumerable splinters!—While I considered this scene with equal terror and astonishment, one of the main-braces broke, by the shock whereof two sailors were flung from the yard's arm into the sea, where they perished, and poor Jack Rattlin thrown down upon the deck, at the expence of a broken leg. Morgan and I ran immediately to his assistance, and found a splinter of the shin-bone thrust by the violence of the fall through the skin: As this was a case of too great consequence to be treated without the authority of the doctor, I went down to his cabin, to inform him of the accident, as well as to bring up dressings, which we always kept ready prepared.—I entered his apartment without any ceremony, and by the glimmering of a lamp, perceived him on his knees, before something that very much resembled a crucifix; but this I will not insist upon, that I may not seem too much a slave to common report, which indeed assisted my conjecture on this occasion, by representing doctor Mackshane as a member of the church of Rome.—Be this as it will, he got up in a sort of confusion, occasioned (I suppose) by his being disturbed in his devotion, and in a trice, snatched the object of my suspicion from my sight.—After making an apology for my intrusion, I acquainted him with the situation of Rattlin, but could by no means prevail upon him to visit him on deck where he lay; he bid me desire the boatswain to order some of the men to carry him down to the cockpit, and in the mean time he would direct Thomson in getting ready the dressings.—When I signified to the boatswain the doctor's desire, he swore a terrible oath, that he could not spare one man from the deck, because he expected the masts would go by the board every minute.—This piece of information did not at all contribute to my peace of mind; however, as my friend Rattlin complained very much, with the assistance of Morgan, I supported him to the lower deck, whither Mr. Mackshane, after much intreaty, ventured to come, attended by Thomson with a boxful of dressings, and his own servant, who carried a whole set of capital instruments.—He examined the fracture and the wound, and concluding from a livid colour extending itself upon the limb, that a mortification would ensue, resolved to amputate the leg immediately.—This was a dreadful sentence to the patient, who recruiting himself with a quid of tobacco, pronounced with a woful countenance,
"What! is there no remedy, doctor? must I be dock'd? can't you splice it?"—
"Assuredly, doctor Mackshane (said the first mate) with submission, and deference, and veneration to your superior abilities, and opportunities, and stations (look you) I do apprehend, and conjecture, and aver, that there is no occasion nor necessity to smite off this poor man's leg."—
"God almighty bless you, dear Welchman! (cried Rattlin) may you have fair wind and weather wheresoever you're bound, and come to an anchor in the road of heaven at last."—
Mackshane, very much incensed at his mate's differing in opinion from him so openly, answered, that he was not bound to give an account of his practice to him; and in a peremptory tone, ordered him to apply the tourniquet.—At the sight of which, Jack starting up, cried,
"Avast, avast! d—n my heart, if you clap your nippers on me, till I know wherefore!—Mr. Random, won't you lend a hand towards saving of my precious limb? Odd's heart, if lieutenant Bowling was here, he would not suffer Jack Rattlin's leg to be be chopped off like a piece of old junk."—
This pathetic address to me, joined to my inclination to serve my honest friend, and the reasons I had to believe there was no danger in delaying the amputation, induced me to declare myself of the first mate's opinion, and affirm that the preternatural colour of the skin, was owing to an inflammation occasioned by a contusion, and common in all such cases, without any indication of an approaching gangrene. Morgan, who had a great opinion of my skill, manifestly exulted in my fellowship, and asked Thomson's sentiments of the matter, in hopes of strengthening our association with him too; but he being of a meek disposition, and either dreading the enmity of the surgeon, or speaking the dictates of his own judgment, in a modest manner, espoused the opinion of Mackshane, who by this time, having consulted with himself, determined to act in such a manner, as to screen himself from censure; and at the same time revenge himself on us, for our arrogance in contradicting him.—With this view, he demanded to know if we would undertake to cure the leg at our peril; that is, be answerable for the consequence.—To this Morgan replied, that the lives of his creatures are in the hands of Got alone; and it would be great presumption in him to undertake for an event that was in the power of his maker, no more than the doctor could promise to cure all the sick to whom he administered his assistance; but if the patient would put himself under our direction, we would do our endeavour to bring his distemper to a savourable issue, to which, at present, we saw no obstruction.—I signified my concurrence; and Rattlin was so over-joyed, that shaking us both by the hands, he swore no body else should touch him, and if he died, his blood should be upon his own head.—Mr. Mackshane, flattering himself with the prospect of our miscarriage, went away, and left us to manage it as we should think proper; accordingly, having sawed off part of the splinter that stuck through the skin, we reduced the fracture, dressed the wound, applied the eighteen-tailed bandage, and put the leg in a box,
secundum artem.
—Every thing succeeded according to our wish, and we had the satisfaction, of not only preserving the poor fellow's leg, but likewise of rendering the doctor contemptible among the ship's company, who had all their eyes on us during the course of this cure, which was compleated in six weeks.
CHAP. XXIX.
Mackshane's malice—I am taken up and imprisoned for a spy—Morgan meets with the same fate—Thomson is tempered with to turn evidence against us—disdains the proposal, and is maltreated for his integrity—Morgan is released to assist the surgeon during an engagement with some French ships of war—I remain fettered on the poop, exposed to the enemy's shot, and grow delirious with fear—am comforted after the battle by Morgan, who speaks freely of the captain; is over-heard by the centinel, who informs against him, and again imprisoned—Thomson grows desperate, and notwithstanding the remonstrances of Morgan and me, goes over-board in the night.
IN the mean time, the storm subsided into a brisk gale, that carried us into the warm latitudes, where the weather became intolerable and the crew very sickly.—The doctor left nothing unattempted towards the completion of his vengeance against the Welchman and me. He went among the sick under pretence of enquiring into their grievances, with a view of picking up complaints to our prejudice; but finding himself frustrated in that expectation, by the good-will we had procured from the patients by our diligence and humanity, he took the resolution of listening to our conversation, by hiding himself behind the canvas that surrounded our birth; here too he was detected by the boy of our mess, who acquainted us with this piece of behaviour, and one night, while we were picking a large bone of salt-beef, Morgan discerned something stir against our hangings, which immediately interpreting to be the doctor, he tipt me the wink, and pointed to the place, where I could evidently perceive some body standing; upon which, I snatched up the bone, and levelled it with all my force at him, saying,
"Whoever you are, take that for your curiosity."—
It had the desired effect, for we heard the listener tumble down, and afterwards crawl to his own cabbin.—I applauded myself much for this feat, which turned out one of the most unlucky exploits of my life, Mackshane from that night marking me out for destruction.—About a week thereafter, as I was going my rounds among the sick, I was taken prisoner, and carried to the poop by the master at arms, where I was loaded with irons, and stapled to the deck, on pretence that I was a spy on board, and had conspired against the captain's life.—How ridiculous soever this imputation was, I did not fail to suffer by it all the rigour that could be shewn to the worst of criminals, being exposed in this miserable condition to the scorching heat of the sun by day, and the unwholesome damps by night, during the space of twelve days, in which time I was neither brought to trial, nor examined touching the probability of my charge.—I had no sooner recovered the use of my reflection, which had been quite overthrown by this accident, than I sent for Thomson, who, after condoling with me on the occasion, hinted to me, that I owed this misfortune to the hatred of the doctor, who had given in an information against me to the captain, in consequence of which I was arrested, and all my papers seized.—While I was cursing my capricious fate, I saw Morgan ascend the poop, guarded by two corporals, who made him sit down by me, that he might be pinioned in the same machine.—Notwithstanding my situation, I could scarce refrain from laughing at the countenance of my fellow prisoner, who, without speaking one word, allowed his seet to be inclosed in the rings provided for that purpose; but when they pretended to fasten him on his back, he grew outragious, and drawing a large cuteau from his side-pocket, threatened to rip up the belly of the first man who should approach him, in order to treat him in such an unworthy manner.—They were preparing to use him very roughly, when the lieutenant on the quarterdeck, called up to them to let him remain as he was.—He then crept towards me, and taking me by the hand, bid me
"put my trust in Got."—
And looking at Thomson, who sat by us trembling, with a pale visage, told him, there were two more rings for his feet, and he should be glad to find him in such good company.—But it was not the intention of our adversary to include the second mate in our fate: Him he excepted to be his drudge in attending the sick, and if possible, his evidence against us: With this view he sounded him afar off, but finding his integrity incorruptible, he harrassed him so much out of spite, that in a short time this mild creature grew weary of his life.
While I and my fellow-prisoner comforted each other in our tribulation, the admiral discovered four sail of ships to leeward, and made signal for our ship and four more to chace: Hereupon, every thing was cleared for an engagement, and Mackshane foreseeing he would have occasion for more assistants than one, obtained Morgan's liberty; while I was left in this deplorable posture to the chance of battle.—It was almost dark when we came up with the sternmost chace, which we hailed, and enquired who they were; they gave us to understand they were French men of war, upon which captain Oakhum commanded them to send their boat on board of him; but they refused, telling him, if he had any business with them, to come on board of their ship: He then threatned to pour in a broad-side upon them, which they promised to return.—Both sides were as good as their word, and the engagement began with great fury.—The reader may guess how I passed my time, lying in this helpless situation, amidst the terrors of a sea-fight; expecting every moment to be cut asunder or dashed in pieces by the enemy's shot! I endeavoured to compose myself as much as possible, by reflecting that I was not a whit more exposed than those who were stationed about me; but when I beheld them employed without intermission, in annoying the foe, and encouraged by the society and behaviour of one another, I could easily perceive a wide difference between their condition and mine: However, I concealed my agitation as well as I could, till the head of the officer of Marines, who stood near me, being shot off, bounced from the deck athwart my face, leaving me well-nigh blinded with brains.—I could contain myself no longer, but began to bellow with all the strength of my lungs; when a drummer coming towards me, asked if I was wounded; and before I could answer, received a great shot in his belly which tore out his intrails, and he fell flat on my breast.—This accident entirely bereft me of all discretion: I redoubled my cries, which were drowned in the noise of the battle; and finding myself disregarded, lost all patience and became frantick; vented my rage in oaths and execrations, till my spirits being quite exhausted, I remained quiet and insensible of the load that oppressed me.—The engagement lasted till broad day, when captain Oakhum, finding he was like to gain neither honour nor advantage by the affair, pretended to be undeceived by seeing their colours; and hailing the ship with whom he had fought all night, protested he believed them Spaniards, and the guns being silenced on each side, ordered the barge to be hoisted out, and went on board of the French commodore.—Our loss amounted to ten killed and eighteen wounded, most part of whom afterwards died.—My fellow-mates had no sooner dispatched their business in the cockpit, than full of friendly concern, they came to visit me.—Morgan ascending first, and seeing my face almost covered with brains and blood, concluded I was no longer a man for this world; and calling to Thomson with great emotion, bid him come up and take his last farewel of his comrade and countryman, who was posting to a petter place, where there were no Mackshanes nor Oakhums to asperse and torment him.—
"No (said he, taking me by the hand) you are going to a country where there is more respect shewn to unfortunate shentlemen, and where you will have the satisfaction of peholding your adversaries tossing upon pillows of purning primstone."—
Thomson alarmed at this apostrophe, made haste to the place where I lay, and sitting down by me, with tears in his eyes, enquired into the nature of my calamity.—By this time I had recollected myself so far as to be able to converse rationally with my friends, whom, to their great satisfaction, I immediately undeceived with regard to their apprehension of my being mortally wounded.—After I had got myself disengaged from the carnage in which I wallowed, and partaken of a refreshment which my friends brought along with them, we entered into discourse upon the hardships we sustained, and spoke very freely of the authors of our misery; which being over-heard by the centinel who guarded me, he was no sooner relieved, than he reported to the captain every syllable of our conversation, according to the orders he had received: The effects of this soon appeared in the arrival of the master at arms, who replaced Morgan in his former station; and gave the second mate a caution to keep a strict guard over his tongue, if he did not chuse to accompany us in our confinement.—Thomson foreseeing that the whole slavery of attending and dressing the sick and wounded, must now fall upon his shoulders, as well as the ill usage of Mackshane, grew desperate at the prospect, and though I never heard him swear before, imprecated dreadful curses on the heads of his oppressors, declaring, that he would rather quit life altogether, than be much longer under the power of such barbarians.—I was not a little startled at his vivacity, and endeavoured to alleviate his complaints, by representing the subject of my own, with as much aggravation as it would bear, by which comparison he might see the balance of misfortune lay on my side, and take an example from me of fortitude and submission, till such time as we could procure redress, which (I hoped) was not far off, considering, that we should probably be in a harbour in less than three days, where we should have an opportunity of preferring our complaints to the admiral.—The Welchman joined in my remonstrances, and was at great pains to demonstrate, that it was every man's duty as well as interest to resign himself to the divine will, and look upon himself as a centinel upon duty, who is by no means at liberty to leave his post before he is relieved.—Thomson listened attentively to what we said, and at last, shedding a flood of tears, shook his head, and left us, without making any reply.—About eleven at night, he came to see us again, with a settled gloom on his countenance, and gave us to understand, that he had undergone excessive toil since he saw us, and in recompence, had been grosly abused by the doctor, who taxed him with being confederate with us, in a design of taking away his life and that of the captain. After some time spent in mutual exhortation, he got up, and squeezing me by the hand with an uncommon fervour, cried,
"God bless you both,"
and left us to wonder at his singular manner of parting with us, which did not fail to make an impression on us both.
Next morning, when the hour of visitation
ame round, this unhappy young man was a missing, and after strick search, supposed to have gone over-board in the night; which was certainly the case.
CHAP. XXX.
We lament over the fate of our companion—the captain offers Morgan his liberty, which he refuses to accept—we are brought before him and examined—Morgan is sent back to custody, whither also I am remanded after a curious trial.
THE news of this event affected my fellow-prisoner and me extremely, as our unfortunate companion had justly acquired by his amiable disposition, the love and esteem of us both; and the more we regretted his untimely fate, the greater horror we conceived for the villain who was undoubtedly the occasion of it.—This abandoned miscreant did not discover the least symptom of concern for Thomson's death, although he must be conscious to himself, of having driven him by ill usage to that fatal resolution; but desired the captain to set Morgan at liberty again to look after the patients. Accordingly, one of the corporals was sent up to unfetter him; when he protested he would not be released until he should know for what he was confined; nor would he be a tennis-ball, nor a shittle-cock, nor a trudge, nor a scullion to any captain under the sun.—Oakhum finding him obstinate, and fearing it would not be in his power to exercise his tyranny much longer with impunity, was willing to shew some appearance of justice, and therefore ordered us both to be brought before him, on the quarter-deck, where he sat in state, with his clerk on one side, and his counsellor Mackshane on the other.—When we approached, he honoured us with this salutation:
"So, gentlemen, d—n my blood! many a captain in the navy would have ordered you both to be tucked up to the yard's arm, without either judge or jury, for the crimes you have been guilty of; but d—n my blood, I have too much good nature, in allowing such dogs as you to make your defence."—
"Captain Oaghum, (said my fellow-sufferer) certainly it is in your power (Got help the while) to tuck us all up at your will, and desire, and pleasures.—And perhaps it would be petter for some of us to be tucked up, than undergo the miseries to which we have been exposed.—So may the farmer hang his kids for his diversion, and amusement, and mirth; but there is such a thing as justice, if not upon earth, surely in heaven, that will punish with fire and primstone all those who take away the lives of innocent people out of wantonness and parparity (look you.)—In the mean time, I shall be glad to know the crimes laid to my charge, and see the person who accuses me."—
"That you shall (said the captain) here doctor, what have you to say?"—
Mackshane stepping forward, hemmed a good while, in order to clear his throat, and before he began, Morgan accosted him thus:
"Doctor Mackshane, look in my face—look in the face of an honest man, who abhorrs a false-witness as he abhorrs the tevil, and Got be judge between you and me."—
The doctor not minding this conjuration, made the following speech, as near as I can remember:—
"I'll tell you what, Mr. Morgan, to be sure what you say is just, in regard to an honest man; and if so be it appears as how you are an honest man, then it is my opinion, that you deserve to be acquitted, in relation to that there affair; for I tell you what, captain Oakhum is resolved for to do every body justice.—As for my own part, all that I have to alledge, is that I have been informed, you have spoken disrespectful words against your captain, who to be sure, is the most honourable and generous commander in the king's service, without asparagement or acceptation of man, woman or child."—
Having uttered this elegant harrangue, on which he seemed to plume himself, Morgan replied,
"I do partly guess, and conceive, and understand your meaning, which I wish could be more explicite: But however, I do suppose, I am not to be condemned upon bare hear-say; or if I am convicted of speaking disrespectfully of captain Oakhum, I hope there is no treason in my words."—
"But there's mutiny, by G—d, and that's death by the articles of war (cried Oakhum.)—In the mean time, let the witnesses be called."—
Hereupon Mackshane's servant appeared, and the boy of our mess, whom they had seduced and tutored for the purpose.—The first declared, that Morgan, as he descended the cockpit ladder, one day, cursed the captain and called him a savage beast, saying, he ought to be hunted down as an enemy to mankind.—
"This (said the clerk) is a strong presumption of a design formed against the captain's life.—For why? It presupposes malice afore-thought, and a criminal intention
a priori.
"—
"Right (said the captain to this miserable grub, who had been an attorney's boy) you shall have law enough, here's Cook and Littlejohn for it."
This evidence was confirmed by the boy, who affirmed, he heard the first mate say, that the captain had no more bowels than a bear, and the surgeon had no more brains than an ass.—Then the centinel who heard our discourse on the poop was examined, and informed the court that the Welchman assured me, that captain Oakhum and doctor Mackshane would toss upon billows of burning brimstone in hell for their barbarity.—The clerk observed, that here was an evident prejudication, which confirmed the former suspicion of a conspiracy against the life of captain Oakhum; for, because, how could Morgan so positively pronounce that the captain and surgeon would be damned, unless he had intention to make away with them before they could have time to repent?—This sage explanation had great weight with our noble commander, who exclaimed,
"What have you to say to this, Taffy? you seem to be taken all a-back, brother, hah!"—
Morgan was too much of a gentleman to disown the text, although he absolutely denied the truth of the comment: Upon which the captain, strutting up to him, with a ferocious countenance, said,
"So, Mr. Son-of-a-b—ch, you confess you honoured me with the names of bear and beast, and pronounced my damnation! D—n my heart! I have a good mind to have you brought to a court-martial and hanged, you dog."—
Here Mackshane having occasion for an assistant, interposed, and begged the captain to pardon Mr. Morgan, with his wonted goodness, upon condition that he the delinquent should make such submission as the nature of his misdemeanour demanded.—Upon which the Cambro-Briton, who on this occasion, would have made no submission to the Great Mogul, surrounded with his guards, thanked the doctor for his mediation, and acknowledged himself in the wrong for having called the image of Got, a beast,
"but (said he) I spoke by metaphor, and parable, and comparison, and types; as we signify meekness by a lamb, letchery by a goat, and craftiness by a fox; so we liken ignorance to an ass, and brutality to a bear, and fury to a tyger;—therefore I made these similies to express my sentiments (look you) and what I said, before Got, I will not unsay before man nor peast neither."—
Oakhum was so provoked at this insolence (as he termed it) that he ordered him forthwith to be carried to the place of his confinement, and his clerk to proceed in the examination of me.—The first question put to me, was touching the place of my nativity, which I declared to be the north of Scotland.
"The north of Ireland more liker (cried the captain) but we shall bring you up presently."—
He then asked what religion I professed; and when I answered,
"The protestant,"
swore I was as arrant a Roman as ever went to mass.—
"Come, come, clerk (continued he) catechise him a little on this subject."—
But before I relate the particulars of the clerk's enquiries, it will not be amiss to inform the reader that our commander himself was an Hibernian, and, if not shrewdly belied, a Roman Catholick to boot.—
"You say you are a protestant (said the clerk) make the sign of the cross with your fingers, so, and swear upon it, to that affirmation."—
When I was about to perform this ceremony, the captain cried with some emotion,
"No, no, damme! I'll have no profanation neither.—But go on with your interrogations."—
"Well then (proceeded my examiner) how many sacraments are there?"—
To which I replied,
"Two."—
"What are they? (said he.)"
I answered,
"Baptism and the Lord's Supper."—
"And so you would explode confirmation and marriage altogether? (said Oakhum) I thought this fellow was a rank Roman."—
The clerk, though he was bred under an attorney, could not relrain from blushing at this blunder, which he endeavoured to conceal, by observing, that these decoys would not do with me who seemed to be an old offender.—He went on, with asking if I believed in transubstantiation; but I treated the notion of the real presence with such disrespect that his patron was scandalized at my impiety, and commanded him to proceed to the plot.—Whereupon this miserable pettifogger told me, there was great reason to suspect me of being a spy on board; and that I had entered into a conspiracy with Thomson and others not yet detected, against the life of captain Oakhum.—To support which accusation, they adduced the testimony of our boy, who declared he had often heard the deceased Thomson and me whispering together, and could distinguish the words,
"Oakhum, rascal, poison, pistol,"
by which it appeared, we did intend to use sinister means to accomplish his destruction. That the death of Thomson seemed to confirm this conjecture, who, either feeling the stings of remorse, for being engaged in such a horrid confederacy, or fearing a discovery, by which he must have infallibly suffered an ignominious death, had put a fatal period to his own existence.—But what established the truth of the whole, was a book in cypher found among my papers, which exactly tallied with one found in his chest, after his disappearance: This, he observed, was a presumption very near proof positive, and would determine any jury in christendom to find me guilty.—In my own defence, I alledged that I had been dragged on board at first very much against my inclination, as I could prove by the evidence of some people now in the ship; consequently could have no design of becoming spy at that time; and ever since had been entirely out of the reach of any correspondence that could justly intail that suspicion upon me;—and as for conspiring against my captain's life, it could not be supposed that any man in his right wits would harbour the least thought of such an undertaking, which he could not possibly perform without certain infamy and ruin to himself, even if he had all the inclination in the world.—That allowing the boy's evidence to be true (which I affirmed was false and malicious) nothing conclusive could be gathered from a few incoherent words: Neither was the fate of Mr. Thomson a circumstance more favourable for the charge; for I had in my pocket, a letter which too well explained that mystery, in a very different manner from that which was supposed: With these words I produced the following letter, which Jack Rattlin brought to me the very day after Thomson disappeared; and told me it was committed to his care by the deceased, who made him promise not to deliver it sooner. The clerk taking it out of my hand, read aloud the contents, which were these:
DEAR FRIEND,
I AM so much oppressed with the fatigue I daily and nightly undergo, and the barbarous usage of doctor Mackshane, who is bent on your destruction, as well as mine, that I am resolved to free myself from this miserable life, and before you receive this, shall be no more. I could have wished to die in your good opinion, which I am afraid I shall forfeit by the last act of my life; but if you cannot acquit me, I know you will at least preserve some regard for the memory of an unfortunate young man who loved you.—I recommend it to you, to beware of Mackshane, whose revenge is implacable.—I wish all prosperity to you and Mr. Morgan, to whom pray offer my last respects, and beg to be remembered as your unhappy friend and countryman.
WILLIAM THOMSON.
This letter was no sooner read, than Mackshane, in a transport of rage, snatched it out of the clerk's hands, and tore it into a thousand pieces, saying, it was a villainous forgery, contrived and executed by myself.—The captain and clerk declared themselves of the same opinion, notwithstanding I insisted on having the remains of it compared to other writings of Thomson, which they had in possession; and I was ordered to answer the last article of my accusation, namely, the book of cyphers found among my papers.—
"That is easily done (said I.) What you are pleased to call cyphers, are no other than the Greek characters, in which, for my amusement, I kept a diary of every thing remarkable that has occurred to my observation since the beginning of the voyage, till the day on which I was put in irons; and the same method, was practised by Mr. Thomson who copied mine."—
"A very likely story! (cried Mackshane) what occasion was there for using Greek characters, if you were not afraid of discovering what you had wrote?—but, what d'ye talk of Greek characters?—D'ye think I am so ignorant of the Greek language, as not to distinguish its letters from these, which are no more Greek than Chinese? No, no, I will not give up my knowledge of the Greek for you, nor none that ever came from your country."
So saying, with an unparalleled effronterie, he repeated some gibberish, which by the sound seemed to be Irish, and made it pass for Greek with the captain, who looking at me with a contemptible sneer, exclaimed,
"Ah ha! have you caught a tartar?"
I could not help smiling at the consummate assurance of this Hibernian, and offered to refer the dispute to any body on board, who understood the Greek alphabet: Upon which Morgan was brought back, and being made acquainted with the affair, took the book and read a whole page in English, without hesitation, deciding the controversy in my favour.—The doctor was so far from being out of countenance at this, that he affirmed Morgan was in the secret, and repeated from his own invention.—Oakhum said,
"Ay, ay, I see they are both in a story,"
and dismissed my fellowmate to his cock-loft, although I proposed that he and I should read and translate separately, any chapter or verse in the Greek-testament in his possession, by which it would appear whether we or the surgeon spoke truth.—Not being endued with eloquence enough to convince the captain that there could be no juggle nor confederacy in this expedient, I begged to be examined by some unconcerned person on board, who understood Greek: Accordingly the whole ship's company, officers and all, were called upon deck, among whom it was proclaimed, that if any of them could speak Greek, he or they so qualified, should ascend the quarter-deck immediately.—After some pause two fore-mast-men came up and professed their skill in that language, which (they said) they acquired during several voyages to the Levant, among the Greeks of the Morea. The captain exulted much in this declaration, and put my journal-book into the hands of one of them, who candidly owned he could neither read nor write; the other acknowledged the same degree of ignorance, but pretended to speak the Greek lingo with any man on board; and addressing himself to me, pronounced some sentences of a barbarous corrupted language, which I did not understand.—I asserted that the modern Greek was as different from that spoke and written by the ancients, as the English used now from the old Saxon spoke in the time of Hengist; and as I had only learned the true original tongue, in which Homer, Pindar, the evangelists and other Great men of antiquity wrote, it could not be supposed that I should know any thing of an imperfect Gothic dialect that rose on the ruins of the former, and scarce retained any traces of the old expression.—But if doctor Mackshane, who pretended to be master of the Greek language, could maintain a conversation with these seamen, I would retract what I had said, and be content to suffer any punishment he should think proper to inflict.—I had no sooner uttered these words, than the surgeon knowing one of the fellows to be his countryman, accosted him in Irish, and was answered in the same brogue; then a dialogue ensued between them, which they affirmed to be Greek, after having secured the secrecy of the other tar, who had his cue in the language of the Morea from his companion, before they would venture to assert such an intrepid falshood.—
"I thought (said Oakhum) we should discover the imposture at last,—Let the rascal be carried back to his confinement.—I find he must dangle."—
Having nothing further to urge in my own behalf, before a court so prejudiced with spite, and fortified with ignorance against truth, I suffered myself to be reconducted peaceably to my fellow-prisoner, who hearing the particulars of my trial, lifted up his hands and eyes to heaven, and uttered a dreadful groan; and not daring to disburthen his thoughts to me by speech, lest he might be overheard by the centinel, burst forth into a Welch song, which he accompanied with a thousand contortions of face and violent gestures of body.
CHAP. XXXI.
I discover a subornation against me, by means of a quarrel between two of the evidences; in consequence of which, I am set at liberty, and prevail upon Morgan to accept of his freedom on the same terms—Mackshane's malice—we arrive at Jamaica, from whence in a short time we beat up to Hispaniola, in conjunction with the West-Indian squadron—we take in water, sail again, and arrive at Carthagena—reflections on our conduct there.
MEAN while, a quarrel happening between the two modern Greeks, the one to be revenged of the other, came and discovered to us the mystery of Mackshane's dialogue, as I have explained it above. This detection coming to the ears of the doctor, who was sensible that (now we were in sight of Jamaica) we should have an opportunity of clearing ourselves before a court-martial, and at the same time, of making his malice and ignorance conspicuous, he interceeded for us with the captain so effectually, that in a few hours we were set at liberty, and ordered to return to our duty.—This was a happy event for me, my whole body being blistered by the sun, and my limbs benumbed for want of motion: But I could not persuade the Welchman to accept of this indulgence, he persisting in his obstinacy to remain in irons until he should be discharged by a courtmartial, which he believed would also do him justice on his enemies; at length, I represented to him the precarious issue of a trial, the power and interest of his adversaries, and flattered his revenge with the hope of wreaking his resentment with his own hands upon Mackshane after our return to England: This last argument had more weight with him than all the rest, and prevailed upon him to repair with me to the cockpit, which I no sooner entered, than the idea of my departed friend presented itself to my remembrance, and filled my eyes with tears.—We discharged from our mess the boy who had acted so perfidiously, notwithstanding his tears, intreaties, and professions of penitence for what he had done; but not before he had confessed that the surgeon had bribed him to give evidence against us, with a pair of stockings and a couple of old check shirts, which his servant had since plundered him of.
The keys of our chests and lockers being sent to us by the doctor, we detained the messenger until we had examined the contents; and my fellow-mate finding all his Cheshire cheese consumed to a crust, his brandy exhausted, and his onions gone, was seized with a fit of choler, which he discharged on Mackshane's man in oaths and execrations, threatning to prosecute him as a thief.—The fellow swore in his turn that he never had the keys in his possession till that time, when he received them from his master, with orders to deliver them to us.—
"As Got is my judge (cried Morgan) and my salfation, and my witness, whosoever has pilfered my provisions, is a lousy, beggarly, rascally knave! and by the soul of my grandsire! I will impeach, and accuse, and indict him of a roppery, if I did but know who he is."—
Had this happened at sea where we could not repair the loss, in all probability, this descendant of Cadwallader would have lost his wits entirely: but when I observed, how easy it would be to make up for this paultry misfortune, he became more calm, and reconciled himself to the occasion.—A little while after, the surgeon came into the birth, under pretence of taking something out of the medicine-chest, and with a smiling aspect, wished us joy of our deliverance, which (he said) he had been at great pains to obtain of the captain, who was very justly incensed at our behaviour; but he (the doctor) had passed his word for our conduct in time to come, and he hoped we should give him no cause to repent of his kindness.—He expected (no doubt) an acknowledgment from us for this pretended piece of service, as well as a general amnesty of what was past; but he had to do with people who were not quite so apt to forgive injuries as he imagined, or to forget that if our deliverance was owing to his mediation, our calamity was occasioned by his malice; I therefore sat silent while my companion answered,
"Ay, ay, 'tis no matter—Got knows the heart—there is a time for all things, as the wise man saith, there is a time for throwing away stones, and a time to gather them up again."—
He seemed to be disconcerted at this reply, and went away in a pet, muttering something about
"Ingratitude"
and
"Fellows,"
which we did not think fit to take any notice of.
Our fleet having joined another that waited for us, lay at anchor about a month in the harbour of Port-Royal in Jamaica, during which time something of consequence was certainly transacted, notwithstanding the insinuations of some who affirmed we had no business at all in that place—that in order to take the advantage of the season proper for our enterprize, the West-Indian squadron, which had previous notice of our coming, ought to have joined us at the west end of Hispaniola with necessary stores and refreshments, from whence we could have sailed directly to Carthagena, before the enemy could put themselves in a good posture of defence, or indeed have an inkling of our design. Be this as it will, we sailed from Jamaica, and in ten days or a fortnight, beat up against the wind as far as the isle of Vache, with an intention, as was said, to attack the French fleet, then supposed to be lying near that place; but before we arrived they had sailed for Europe, having first dispatched an advice-boat to Carthagena with an account of our being in these seas, as also of our strength and destination.—We loitered here some days longer, taking in wood, and brackish water, in the use whereof, however, our admiral seemed to consult the health of the men, by restricting each to a quart a day.—At length we set sail, and arrived in a bay to the windward of Carthagena, where we came to an anchor, and lay at our ease ten days longer.—Here again, certain malicious people take occasion to blame the conduct of their superiors, by saying, this was not only throwing away time, which was very precious considering the approach of the rainy season, but also giving the Spaniards time to recollect themselves, and recover from the consternation they were thrown into at the approach of an English fleet, at least three times as numerous as ever appeared in that part of the world before. But if I might be allowed to give my opinion of the matter, I would ascribe this delay to the generosity of our chiefs, who scorned to take any advantage that fortune might give them, even over an enemy. At last, however, we weighed, and anchored again somewhat nearer the harbour's mouth, where we made shift to land our marines, who encamped on the beach, in despite of the enemy's shot, which knocked a good many of them on the head.—This piece of conduct in chusing a camp under the walls of an enemy's fortification, which I believe never happened before, was practised, I presume, with a view of accustoming the soldiers to stand fire, who were not as yet much used to discipline, most of them having been taken from the plough-tail a few months before.—This again has furnished matter for censure against the Ministry, for sending a few raw recruits on such an important enterprize, while so many veteran regiments lay inactive at home: But surely our governours had their reasons for so doing, which possibly may be disclosed with other secrets of the deep. Perhaps they were loth to risk their best troops on such desperate service; or, may be the colonels and field officers of the old corps, who, generally speaking, enjoyed their commissions as sine-cures or pensions, for some domestick services tendered to the court, refused to embark in such a dangerous and precarious undertaking; for which, no doubt, they are to be much commended.
CHAP. XXXII.
Our land forces being disembarked, erect a faschine battery—our ship is ordered with four more, to batter the fort of Bocca Chica—Mackshane's cowardice—the chaplain's phrenzy—honest Rattlin lases one hand—his heroism and reflections on the battle—Crampley's behaviour to me during the heat of the fight.
OUR forces being landed and stationed as I have already mentioned, set about erecting a faschine battery to cannonade the principal fort of the enemy, and in something more than three weeks, it was ready to open. That we might do the Spaniards as much honour as possible, it was determined in a council of war, that five of our largest ships should attack the fort on one side, while the battery plyed it on the other, strengthened with two mortars, and twenty-four cohorns.
Accordingly, the signal for our ship to engage, among others, was hoisted, we being advertised the night before, to make every thing clear for that purpose: and in so doing, a difference happened between captain Oakhum and his well-beloved cousin and counsellor Mackshane, which had well nigh terminated in an open rupture.—The doctor, who had imagined there was no more danger of being hurt by the enemy's shot in the cockpit than in the center of the earth, was lately informed that a surgeon's mate had been killed in that place, by a cannon-ball from two small forts, that were destroyed before the disembarkation of our soldiers; and therefore insisted upon having a platform raised for the convenience of the sick and wounded, in the after-hold, where he deemed himself more secure than on the deck above.—The captain, offended at this extraordinary proposal, accused him of pusilanimity, and told him there was no room in the hold for such an occasion; or if there was, he could not expect to be indulged more than the rest of the surgeons of the navy, who used the cockpit for that purpose: Fear rendering Mackshane obstinate, he persisted in his demand, and shewed his instructions, by which it was authorised: The captain swore these instructions were dictated by a parcel of lazy poltroons who were never at sea; but was obliged to comply, and sent for the carpenter to give him orders about it: But before any such measure could be taken, our signal was thrown out, and the doctor compelled to trust his carcase in the cockpit, where Morgan and I were busy in putting our instruments and dressings in order.
Our ship, with the others destined for this service, immediately weighed, and in less than half an hour came to an anchor before the castle of Bocca Chica, with a spring upon our cable.—The cannonading (which indeed was terrible!) began. The surgeon, after having crossed himself, fell flat on the deck; and the chaplain and purser, who were stationed with us, in quality of assistants, followed his example, while the Welchman and I sat upon a chest looking at one another with great discomposure, scarce able to refrain from the like prostration.—And that the reader may know, it was not a common occasion that alarmed us thus, I must inform him of the particulars of this dreadful din that astonished us. The fire of the Spaniards proceeded from Bocca Chica mounting eighty-four great guns, beside a mortar and small arms; from fort St. Joseph, mounting thirty-six; from two faschine batteries, mounting twenty; and from four men of war, mounting sixty-four guns each.—This was answered by us, from our land battery, mounting twenty-one cannon; our bomb battery, mounting two mortars, and twenty-four cohorns, and five men of war, two of eighty, and three of seventy guns, which fired without intermission.—We had not been many minutes engaged, when one of the sailors brought another on his back to the cockpit, where he tossed him down like a bag of oats, and pulling out his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco in his mouth, without speaking a word; Morgan immediately examined the condition of the wounded man, and cried,
"As I shall answer now, the man is as tead as my greatgrandfather."—
"Dead (said his comrade) he may be dead now, for ought I know, but I'll be d—mn'd if he was not alive when I took him up."—
So saying, he was about to return to his quarters, when I bid him carry the body along with him and throw it over-board.—
"D—n the body! (said he) I think 'tis fair enough if I take care of my own."—
My fellow-mate snatching up the amputation knife, pursued him half-way up the cockpit ladder, crying,
"You lousy rascal, is this the church-yard, or the charnel-house, or the sepulchre, or the Golgotha of the ship?"—
but was stopt in his carreer by one calling,
"Yo ho, avast there—scaldings."—
"Scaldings! (answered Morgan) Got knows 'tis hot enough indeed:—who are you?"—
"Here's one (replied the voice.")
and I immediately knew it to be that of my honest friend Jack Rattlin, who coming towards me, told me, with great deliberation, he was come to be dock'd at last, and discovered the remains of one hand which had been shattered to pieces with grape shot.—I lamented with unfeigned sorrow his misfortune, which he bore with heroic courage, observing, that every shot had its commission: It was well it did not take him in the head; or if it had, what then? he should have died bravely, fighting for his king and country: Death was a debt which every man owed, and must pay now as well as another time.—I was much pleased and edified with the maxims of this sea-philosopher, who endured the amputation of his left hand without shrinking; the operation being performed (at his request) by me, after Mackshane, who was with difficulty prevailed to lift his head from the deck, had declared there was a necessity for his losing the limb.—While I was employed in dressing the stump, I asked Jack's opinion of the battle, who shaking his head, frankly told me, he believed we should do no good;
"For why, because instead of dropping anchor close under shore, where we should have had to deal with one corner of Bocca Chica only, we had opened the harbour, and exposed ourselves to the whole fire of the enemy from their shipping and fort St. Joseph, as well as from the castle we intended to canonade; that besides, we lay at too great a distance to damage the walls, and three parts in four of our shot did not take place; for there was scarce any body on board, who understood the pointing of a gun.—Ah! God help us! (continued he) if your kinsman lieutenant Bowling had been here, we should have had other-guess-work."—
By this time our patients had increased to such a degree, that we did not know which to begin with; and the first mate plainly told the surgeon, that if he did not get up immediately, and perform his duty, he would complain of his behaviour to the admiral, and make application for his warrant.—This effectually roused Mackshane, who was never
eaf to an argument in which he thought his interest was concerned; he therefore rose up, and in order to strengthen his resolution, had recourse more than once to a case-bottle of rum which he freely communicated to the chaplain and purser, who had as much need of such extraordinary inspiration as himself: Being thus supported, he went to work, and arms and legs were hewed down without mercy.—The fumes of the liquor mounting into the parson's brain, conspired with his former agitation of spirits, to make him quite delirious; he stript himself to the skin, and besmearing his body with blood, could scarce be with-held from running upon deck in that condition. Jack Rattlin, scandalized at this deportment, endeavoured to allay his transports with reason; but finding all he said ineffectual, and great confusion occasioned by his frolicks, he knocked him down with his right hand, and by threats kept him quiet in that state of humiliation.—But it was not in the power of rum to elevate the purser, who sat on the floor wringing his hands, and cursing the hour in which he left his peaceable profession of a brewer in Rochester, to engage in such a life of terror and disquiet.—While we diverted ourselves at the expence of this poor devil, a shot happened to take us between wind and water, and its course being through the purser's store-room, made a terrible havock and noise among the jars and bottles in its way, and disconcerted Mackshane so much, that he dropt his scalpel, and falling down on his knees, pronounced his
Pater-noster
aloud; the purser fell backward and lay without sense or motion; and the chaplain grew so outrageous, that Rattlin with one hand, could not keep him under; so that we were obliged to confine him in the surgeon's cabbin, where he was no doubt guilty of a thousand extravagancies.—Much about this time, my old antagonist Crampley came down, with express orders (as he said) to bring me up to the quarterdeck, to dress a slight wound the captain had received by a splinter. His reason for honouring me in particular with this piece of service, being that in case I should be killed or disabled by the way, my death or mutilation would be of less consequence to the ship's company, than that of the doctor or his first mate.—At another time, perhaps, I might have disputed this order, to which I was not bound to pay the least regard; but as I thought my reputation depended upon my compliance, I was resolved to convince my rival that I was no more afraid than he, to expose myself to danger.—With this view, I provided myself with dressings, and followed him immediately to the quarter-deck, through a most infernal scene of slaughter, fire, smoak, and uproar! Captain Oakhum, who leaned against the mizen mast, no sooner
me approach in my shirt, with the sleeves t
ed up to my arm-pits, and my hands dyed with blood, than he signified his displeasure by a frown, and asked why the doctor himself did not come? I told him Crampley had singled me out, as if by his express command; at which he seemed surprized, and threatened to punish the midshipman for his presumption, after the engagement: In the mean time, I was sent back to my station, and ordered to tell Mackshane, that the captain expected him immediately.—I got safe back and delivered up my commission to the doctor, who flatly refused to quit the post assigned to him by his instructions. Hereupon, Morgan, who (I believe) was jealous of my reputation for courage, undertook the affair, and ascended with great intrepidity.—The captain finding the surgeon obstinate, suffered himself to be dressed, and swore he would confine Mackshane as soon as that service should be over.
CHAP. XXXIII.
A breach being made in the walls, our soldiers give the assault, take the place without opposition—our sailors at the same time become masters of all the other strengths near Bocca Chica, and take possession of the harbour—the good consequence of this success—we move nearer the town—find two forts deserted, and the channel blocked up with sunk vessels; which however, we find means to clear—land our soldiers at La Quinta—repulse a body of militia—attack the castle of St. Lazar, and are forced to retreat with great loss—the remains of our army are re-imbarked—an effort of the admiral to take the Town—the oeconomy of our expedition described.
HAVING cannonaded the fort, during the space of four hours, we were all ordered to slip our cables, and sheer off; but next day the engagement was renewed, and continued from the morning till the afternoon, when the enemy's fire from Bocca Chica slackened, and towards evening was quite silenced.—A breach being made on the other side, by our land-battery, large enough to admit a middle sized baboon, provided he could find means to climb up to it; our general proposed to give the assault that very night, and actually ordered a detachment on that duty: Providence stood our friend upon this occasion, and put it into the hearts of the Spaniards to abandon the fort, which might have been maintained by resolute men, to the day of judgment against all the force we could exert in the attack.—And while our soldiers took possession of the enemy's ramparts, without resistance, the same good luck attended a body of sailors, who made themselves masters of fort St. Joseph, the faschine batteries, and one Spanish man of war; the other three being burnt or sunk by the foe, that they might not fall into our hands.—The taking of these forts, in the strength of which the Spaniards chiefly confided, made us masters of the outward harbour, and occasioned great joy among us; as we laid our accounts with finding little or no opposition from the town: And indeed, if a few great ships had sailed up immediately, before they had recovered from the confusion and despair that our unexpected success had produced among them, it is not impossible that we might have finished the affair to our satisfaction, without any more blood-shed: but this our Heroes disdained, as a barbarous insult over the enemy's distress; and gave them all the respite they could desire, in order to recollect themselves.—In the mean time, Mackshane taking the advantage of this general exultation, waited on our captain, and pleaded his own cause so effectually, that he was re-established in his good graces; and as for Crampley, there was no more notice taken of his behaviour towards me, during the action.—But of all the consequences of the victory, none was more grateful than plenty of fresh water, after we had languished five weeks on the allowance of a purser's quart
per diem
for each man, in the Torrid Zone, where the sun was vertical, and the expence of bodily fluid so great, that a gallon of liquor could scarce supply the waste of twentyfour hours; especially, as our provision consisted of putrid salt beef, to which the sailors gave the name of Irish horse; salt pork of New England, which though neither fish nor flesh, savoured of both; bread from the same country, every biscuit whereof, like a piece of clock work, moved by its own internal impulse, occasioned by the myriads of insects that dwelt within it; and butter served out by the gill, that tasted like train-oil thickened with salt. Instead of small-beer, each man was allowed three half quarterns of brandy or rum, which was distributed every morning, diluted with a certain quantity of his water, without either sugar or fruit to render it palatable, for which reason this composition, was by the sailors not unaptly stiled
Necessity.
Nor was this limitation of simple element owing to a scarcity of it on board, there being at this time water enough in the ship for a voyage of six months, at the rate of half a gallon
per
day to each man: But this fast must (I suppose) have been injoined by way of pennance on the ship's company for their sins; or rather with a view to mortify them into a contempt of life, that they might thereby become more resolute and regardless of danger. How simply then do those people argue, who ascribe the great mortality among us, to our bad provision and want of water; and affirm, that a great many valuable lives might have been saved, if the useless transports had been employed in fetching fresh stock, turtle, fruit, and other refreshments, from Jamaica and other adjacent islands, for the use of the army and fleet! seeing, it is to be hoped, that those who died went to a better place, and those who survived were the more easily maintained.—After all, a sufficient number remained to fall before the walls of St. Lazar, where they behaved like their own country mastifs, which shut their eyes, run into the jaws of a bear, and have their heads crushed for their valour.
But to return to my narration: After having put garrisons into the forts we had taken, and re-imbarked our soldiers and artillery, which detained us more than a week, we ventured up to the mouth of the inner harbour, guarded by a large fortification on one side, and a small redoubt on the other, both of which were deserted before our approach, and the entrance of the harbour blocked up by several old galleons that the enemy had sunk in the channel.—We made shift, however, to open a passage for some ships of war, that favoured the second landing of our troops at a place called La Quinta, not far from the town, where, after a faint resistance from a body of Spaniards, who opposed their disembarkation, they encamped with a design of besieging the castle of St. Lazar, which overlooked and commanded the city: Whether our renowned general had no body in his army who knew how to approach it in form, or that he trusted intirely to the fame of his arms, I shall not determine; but certain it is, a resolution was taken in a council of war, to attack the place with musquetry only, which was put in execution, and succeeded accordingly; the enemy giving them such an hearty reception, that the greatest part of the detachment took up their everlasting residence on the spot.—Our chief not relishing this kind of complaisance in the Spaniards, was wise enough to retreat on board with the remains of his army, which, from eight thousand able men landed on the beach near Bocca Chica, was now reduced to fifteen hundred fit for service.—The sick and wounded were squeezed into certain vessels, which thence obtained the name of hospital ships, though methinks they scarce deserved such a creditable title, seeing none of them could boast of either surgeon, nurse or cook; and the space between decks was so confined, that the miserable patients had not room to sit upright in their beds. Their wounds and stumps being neglected, contracted filth and putrefaction, and millions of maggots were hatched amid the corruption of their sores. This inhuman disregard was imputed to the scarcity of surgeons; though it is well known, that every great ship in the fleet could have spared one at least for this duty, which would have been more than sufficient to remove this shocking inconvenience: But, perhaps, the general was too much of a gentleman to ask a favour of this kind from his fellow-chief, who on the other hand, would not derogate so far from his own dignity, as to offer such assistance unasked; for I may venture to affirm, that by this time, the Daemon of discord with her sooty wings, had breathed her influence upon our counsels; and it might be said of these great men, (I hope they will pardon the comparison) as of Caesar and Pompey, the one could not brook a superior, and the other was impatient of an equal: So that between the pride of one, and insolence of another, the enterprize miscarried, according to the proverb,
"Between two stools the backside falls to the ground."—
Not that I would be thought to liken any publick concern to that opprobrious part of the human body, although I might with truth assert, if I durst use such a vulgar idiom, that the nation did hang an a—se at its disappointment on this occasion; neither would I presume to compare the capacity of our heroic leaders to any such wooden convenience as a joint-stool or a close-stool; but only signify by this simile, the mistake the people committed in trusting to the union of two instruments that were never joined.
A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, the admiral ordered one of the Spanish men of war we had taken, to be mounted with sixteen guns, and manned with detachments from our great ships, in order to batter the town; accordingly, she was towed into the inner harbour in the night-time, and moored within half a mile of the walls, against which she began to fire at daybreak; and continued about four hours exposed to the opposition of at least forty pieces of cannon, which at length obliged our men to set her on fire, and get off as well as they could, in their boats.—This piece of conduct afforded matter of speculation to all the wits, either in the army or the navy, who were at last fain to acknowledge it a stroke of policy above their comprehension.—Some entertained such an irreverent opinion of the admiral's understanding, as to think he expected the town would surrender to his floating battery of sixteen guns: Others imagined his sole intention was to try the enemy's strength, by which he would be able to compute the number of great ships that would be necessary to bring the Spaniards to a capitulation: But this last conjecture soon appeared groundless, in as much as no ships of any kind whatever were afterwards employed on that service.—A third sort swore, that no other cause could be assigned for this undertaking, than that which induced Don Quixote to attack the windmill. A fourth class (and that the most numerous, though without doubt, composed of the sanguine and malicious) plainly taxed this commander with want of honesty as well as sense; and alledged that he ought to have sacrificed private pique to the interest of his country; that where the lives of so many brave fellow citizens were concerned, he ought to have concurred with the general, without being sollicited or even desired, towards their preservation and advantage; that if his arguments could not dissuade him from a desperate enterprize, it was his duty to render it as practicable as possible, without running extreme hazard; that this could have been done, with a good prospect of success, by ordering five or six large ships to batter the town while the land forces stormed the castle, by this means, a considerable diversion would have been made in favour of those troops, who in their march to the assault and in the retreat, suffered much more from the town than from the castle; that the inhabitants seeing themselves vigorously attacked on all hands, would have been divided, distracted and confused, and in all probability, unable to resist the assailants.—But all these suggestions surely proceed from ignorance and malevolence, or else the admiral would not have found it such an easy matter, at his return to England, to justify his conduct to a ministry at once so upright and discerning.—True it is, that those who undertook to vindicate him on the spot, asserted, there was not water enough for our great ships near the town; tho' this was a little unfortunately urged, because there happened to be pilots in the fleet perfectly well acquainted with the soundings of the harbour, who affirmed there was water enough for five eighty gun ships to lye a-breast in, almost up at the very walls.—The disappointments we suffered, occasioned an universal dejection, which was not at all alleviated by the objects that daily and hourly entertained our eyes, nor by the prospect of what must inevitably happen, if we remained much longer in this place.—Such was the oeconomy in some ships, that, rather than be at the trouble of interring the dead, their commanders ordered their men to throw the bodies overboard, many withouteither ballast or winding-sheet; so that numbers of human carcasses floated in the harbour, until they were devoured by sharks and carrion crows; which afforded no agreeable spectacle to those who survived.—At the same time the wet season began, during which, a deluge of rain falls from the rising to the setting of the sun, without intermission; and that no sooner ceases, than it begins to thunder and lighten with such continual flashing, that one can see to read a very small print by the illumination.
CHAP. XXXIV.
An epidemick fever rages among us—we abandon our conquests—I am seized with the distemper; write a petition to the captain, which is rejected—I am in danger of suffocation through the malice of Crampley; and relieved by a serjeant—my fever increases—the chaplain wants to confess me—I obtain a favourable crisis—Morgan's affection for me proved—the behaviour of Mackshane and Crampley towards me—Captain Oakhum is removed into another ship with his beloved doctor—our new captain described—an adventure of Morgan.
THE change of the atmosphere, occasioned by this phoenomenon, conspired with the stench that surrounded us, the heat of the climate, our own constitutions impoverished by bad provision, and our despair, to introduce the bilious fever among us, which raged with such violence that three fourths of those whom it invaded, died in a deplorable manner; the colour of their skin, being by the extreme putrefaction of their juices, changed into that of soot.
Our conductors finding things in this situation, perceived it was high time to relinquish our conquests, which we did, after having rendered their artillery useless and blown up their walls with gun-powder.—Just as we sailed from Bocca Chica on our return to Jamaica, I found myself threatened with the symptoms of this terrible distemper; and knowing very well that I stood no chance for my life, if I should be obliged to lie in the cockpit, which by this time, was grown intolerable even to people in health, by reason of the heat and unwholsome smell of decayed provision; I wrote a petition to the captain representing my case, and humbly imploring his permission to lie among the soldiers in the middle-deck, for the benefit of the air: But I might have spared myself the trouble; for this humane commander refused my request, and ordered me to continue in the place allotted for the surgeon's mates, or else be contented to lie in the hospital, which, by the bye, was three degrees more offensive and more suffocating than our own birth below.—Another in my condition, perhaps, would have submitted to his fate, and died in a pet; but I could not brook the thought of perishing so pitifully, after I had weathered so many gales of hard fortune: I therefore, without minding Oakhum's injunction, prevailed upon the soldiers (whose good-will I had acquired) to admit my hammock among them; and actually congratulated myself upon my comfortable situation, which Crampley no sooner understood, than he signified to the captain, my contempt of his orders; and was invested with power to turn me down again into my proper habitation.—This barbarous piece of revenge, incensed me so much against the author, that I vowed, with bitter imprecations, to call him to a severe account, if ever it should be in my power; and the agitation of my spirits increased my fever to a violent degree.—While I lay gasping for breath in this infernal abode, I was visited by a serjeant, the bones of whose nose I had reduced and set to rights, after they had been demolished by a splinter during our last engagement: He being informed of my condition, offered me the use of his birth in the middledeck, which was inclosed with canvas and wellaired by a port-hole that remained open within it.—I embraced this proposal with joy, and was immediately conducted to the place, where I was treated, while my illness lasted, with the utmost tenderness and care by this grateful halberdier, who had no other bed for himself than a hencoop, during the whole passage—Here I lay and enjoyed the breeze, notwithstanding of which, my malady gained ground, and at length my life was despaired of, though I never lost hopes of recovery, even when I had the mortification to see, from my cabbin window, six or seven thrown over-board every day, who died of the same distemper. This confidence, I am persuaded, conduced a good deal to the preservation of my life, especially, when joined to another resolution I took at the beginning, namely, to refuse all medicine, which I could not help thinking co-operated with the disease, and instead of resisting putrefaction, promoted a total degeneracy of the vital fluid.—When my friend Morgan, therefore, brought his diaphoretic boluses, I put them in my mouth, 'tis true, but without any intention of swallowing them; and when he went away, spit them out, and washed my mouth with water-gruel: I seemingly complied in this manner, that I might not affront the blood of Caractacus, by a refusal which might have intimated a diffidence of his physical capacity; for he acted as my physician; doctor Macshane never once enquiring about me, or even knowing where I was.—When my distemper was at the height, Morgan thought my case desperate, and after having applied a blister to the nape of my neck, squeezed my hand, bidding me, with a woful countenance, recommend myself to Got and my reteemer; then taking his leave, desired the chaplain to come and administer some spiritual consolation to me; but before he arrived, I had made shift to rid myself of the troublesome application the Welchman had bestowed on my back.—The parson having felt my pulse, enquired into the nature of my complaints, hemmed a little, and began thus:
"Mr. Random, God out of his infinite mercy hath been pleased to visit you with a dreadful distemper, the issue of which no man knows.—You may be permitted to recover, and live many days on the face of the earth: and, which is more probable, you may be taken away and cut off in the flower of your youth: It is incumbent on you, therefore, to prepare for the great change, by repenting sincerely of your sins; of this there cannot be a greater sign, than an ingen'ous confession, which I conjure you to make, without hesitaton or mental reservation; and when I am convinced of your sincerity, I will then give you such comfort as the situation of your soul will admit of. Without doubt, you have been guilty of numberless transgressions, to which youth is subject, as swearing, drunkenness, whoredom, and adultery; tell me therefore, without reserve, the particulars of each, especially of the last, that I may be acquainted with the true state of your conscience: For no physician will prescribe for his patient until he knows the circumstances of his disease."
As I was not under any apprehensions of death, I could not help smiling at the doctor's inquisitive remonstrance, which I told him savoured more of the Roman than of the Protestant church, in recommending auricular confession, a thing, in my opinion, not at all necessary to salvation, and which, for that reason, I declined.—This reply disconcerted him a little; however, he explained away his meaning, in making learned distinctions between what was absolutely necessary, and what was only convenient; then proceeded to ask what religion I professed: I answered, that I had not as yet considered the difference of religions, consequently had not fixed on any one in particular, but that I was bred a Presbyterian.—At this word the chaplain discovered great astonishment, and said, he could not comprehend how a Presbyterian was entitled to any post under the English government.—Then he asked if I had ever received the Sacrament, or taken the oaths; to which I replying in the negative, he held up his hands, assured me he could do me no service, wished I might not be in a state of reprobation; and returned to his mess-mates, who were making merry in the ward-room, round a table well stored with bumbo
Bumbo is a liquor composed of rum, sugar, water and nutmeg.
and wine.—This insinuation, terrible as it was, had not such an effect upon me, as the fever, which, soon after he had left me, grew outragious; I began to see strange chimeras, and concluded myself on the point of becoming delirious: But before that happened, was in great danger of suffocation, upon which I started up in a kind of frantic fit, with an intention to plunge myself into the sea, and as my friend the serjeant was not present, would certainly have cooled myself to some purpose, had I not perceived a moisture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to get out of my hammock: The appearance of this revived my hopes, and I had reflection and resolution enough to take the advantage of this favourable symptom, by tearing the shirt from my body and the sheets from my bed, and wrapping myself in a thick blanket, in which inclosure, for about a quarter of an hour, I felt the pains of hell; but it was not long before I was recompensed for my suffering by a profuse sweat, that bursting from the whole surface of my skin, in less than two hours, relieved me from all my complaints, except that of weakness; and left me as hungry as a kite.—I enjoyed a very comfortable nap, after which I was regaling myself with the agreeable reverie of my future happiness, when I heard Morgan, on the outside of the curtain, ask the serjeant, if I was still alive?
"Alive! (cried the other) God forbid he should be otherwise! he has lain quiet these five hours, and I do not chuse to disturb him, for sleep will do him great service."—
"Ay, (said my fellow-mate) he sleeps so sound, (look you) that he will never waken till the great trump plows.—Got be merciful to his soul.—He has paid his debt, like an honest man.—Ay, and moreover, he is at rest from all persecutions, and troubles, and afflictions, of which, Got knows, and I know, he had his own share.—Ochree! Ochree! he was a promising youth indeed!"—
So saying, he groaned grievously, and began to whine in such a manner, as persuaded me he had a real friendship for me.—The serjeant, alarmed at his words, came into the birth, and while he looked upon me, I smiled, and tipt him the wink; he immediately guessed my meaning, and remained silent, which confirmed Morgan in his opinion of my being dead; whereupon he approached with tears in his eyes, in order to indulge his grief with a sight of the object: And I counterfeited death so well, by fixing my eyes, and droping my under-jaw, that he said,
"There he lies, no petter than a lump of clay, Got help me."
And observed by the distortion of my face, that I must have had a strong struggle. I should not have been able to contain myself much longer, when he began to perform the last duty of a friend, in closing my eyes and my mouth; upon which, I suddenly snapped at his fingers, and discomposed him so much, that he started back, turned pale as ashes, and stared like the picture of horror! Although I could not help laughing at his appearance, I was concerned for his situation, and stretched out my hand, telling him, I hoped to live and eat some salmagundy of his making in England.—It was some time before he could recollect himself so far as to feel my pulse, and enquire into the particulars of my disease: But when he found I had enjoyed a favourable crisis, he congratulated me upon my good fortune; not failing to ascribe it, under Got, to the blister he had applied to my back, at his last visit; which, by the bye, said he, must now be removed and dressed: He was actually going to fetch dressings, when I feigning astonishment, said,
"Bless me! sure you never applied a blister to me—there is nothing on my back, I assure you."—
Of this he could not be convinced till he had examined, and then endeavoured to conceal his confusion, by expressing his surprize in finding the skin untouched, and the plaister missing.—In order to excuse myself for paying so little regard to his prescription, I pretended to have been insensible when it was put on, and to have pulled it off afterwards, in a fit of delirium. This apology satisfied my friend, who on this occasion abated a good deal of his stiffness in regard to punctilios; and as we were now safely arrived at Jamaica, where I had the benefit of fresh provision, and other refreshments, I recovered strength every day, and in a short time, my health and vigour were perfectly re-established.—When I got up at first, and was just able to crawl about the deck, with a staff in my hand, I met doctor Mackshane, who passed by me with a disdainful look, and did not vouchsafe to honour me with one word: After him came Crampley, who strutting up to me, with a fierce countenance, pronounced,
"Here's fine discipline on board, when such lazy sculking sons of b—ches as you, are allowed, on pretence of sickness, to lollop at your ease, while your betters are kept to hard duty!"—
The sight and behaviour of this malicious scoundrel, enraged me so much, that I could scarce refrain from laying my cudgel across his pate; but when I considered my present feebleness, and the enemies I had in the ship, who wanted only a pretence to ruin me, I restrained my passion, and contented myself with telling him, I had not forgot his insolence and malice, and that I hoped we should meet one day on shore.—At this he grinned, shook his fist at me, and swore he longed for nothing more than such an opportunity.
Mean while, our ship was ordered to be heaved down, victualled and watered, for her return to England; and our captain, for some reason or other, not thinking it convenient for him to revisit his native country at this time, exchanged with a gentleman, who on the other hand, wished for nothing so much, as to be safe without the tropick; all his care and tenderness of himself, being insufficient to preserve his complexion from the injuries of the sun and weather.
Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried his favourite Mackshane along with him, to my inexpressible satisfaction; our new commander came on board, in a ten-oar'd barge, overshadowed with a vast umbrella, and appeared in every thing quite the reverse of Oakhum, being a tall, thin, young man, dressed in this manner; a white hat garnished with a red feather, adorned his head, from whence his hair flowed down upon his shoulders, in ringlets tied behind with a ribbon.—His coat, consisting of pink-coloured silk, lined with white, by the elegance of the cut retired backward, as it were, to discover a white sattin waistcoat embroidered with gold, unbuttoned at the upper part, to display a broch set with garnets, that glittered in the breast of his shirt, which was of the finest cambrick, edged with right mechlin: The knees of his crimson velvet breeches scarce descended so low as to meet his silk stockings, which rose without spot or wrinkle on his meagre legs, from shoes of blue Meroquin, studded with diamond buckles, that flamed forth rivals to the sun! A steel-hilted sword, inlaid with figures of gold, and decked with a knot of ribbon which fell down in a rich tossle, equipped his side; and an amber-headed cane hung dangling from his wrist:—But the most remarkable parts or his furniture were, a mask on his face, and white gloves on his hands, which did not seem to be put on with an intention to be pulled off occasionally, but were fixed with a ring set with a ruby on the little finger of one hand, and by one set with a topaz on that of the other.—In this garb, captain Whiffle, for that was his name, took possession of the ship, surrounded with a crowd of attendants, all of whom, in their different degrees, seemed to be of their patron's disposition; and the air was so impregnated with perfumes, that one may venture to affirm the clime of Arabia Foelix was not half so sweet scented.—My fellow-mate, observing no surgeon among his train, thought he had found an occasion too favourable for himself to be neglected; and remembring the old proverb,
"Spare to speak, and spare to speed,"
resolved to sollicit the new captain's interest immediately, before any other surgeon could be appointed for the ship.—With this view he repaired to the cabbin, in his ordinary dress, consisting of a check-shirt and trousers, a brown linen waistcoat, and a night-cap of the same, neither very clean, which for his further misfortune, happened to smell strong of tobacco.—Entering without any ceremony, into this sacred place, he found captain Whiffle reposing upon a couch, with a wrapper of fine chintz about his body, and a muslin cape bordered with lace upon his head; and after several low conge's, began in this manner:—
"Sir, I hope you will forgive, and excuse, and pardon the presumption of one who has not the honour of being known unto you, but who is, nevertheless, a shentleman porn and pred, and moreover has had misfortunes, Got help me, in the world."—
Here he was interrupted by the captain, who at first sight of him had started up with great amazement at the novelty of the apparition; and having recollected himself, pronounced, with a look and tone signifying disdain, curiosity and surprize,
"Zauns! who art thou?"—
"I am surgeon's first first mate on board of this ship (replied Morgan) and I most vehemently desire and beseech you with all submission, to be pleased to condescend and vouchsafe to enquire into my character, and my pehaviour, and my deserts, which, under Got, I hope, will entitle me to the vacancy of surgeon."—
As he proceeded in his speech, he continued advancing towards the captain, whose nostrils were no sooner saluted with the aromatick flavour that exhaled from him; than he cried with great emotion,
"Heaven preserve me! I am suffocated!—Fellow, Fellow, away with thee!—Curse thee, fellow! get thee gone,—I shall be stunk to death!"—
At the noise of his outcries, his servants run into his apartment, and he accosted them thus;
"Villains! cut-throats! traitors! I am betrayed! I am sacrificed!—Will you not carry that monster away? or must I be stifled with the stench of him? oh! oh!"—
With these interjections, he sunk down upon his settee in a fit; his
valet de chambre
plied him with a smelling-bottle, one footman chased his temples with Hungary water, another sprinkled the floor with spirits of lavender, and a third pushed Morgan out of the cabbin; who coming to the place where I was, sat down with a demure countenance, and, according to his custom, when he received any indignity which he durst not revenge, began to sing a Welch ditty.—I guessed he was under some agitation of spirits, and desired to know the cause; but instead of answering me directly, he asked with great emotion, if I thought him a monster and a stinkard?
"A monster and a stinkard (said I, with some surprize) did any body call you so?"—
"Got is my judge (replied he) captain Fifle did call me both; ay, and all the water in the Tawy will not wash it out of my remembrance.—I do affirm, and avouch, and maintain, with my soul, and my pody, and my plood, look you, that I have no smells about me, but such as a christian ought to have, except the effluvia of topacco, which is a cephalic, odoriferous, aromatick herb, and he is a son of a mountain-goat who says otherwise.—As for my being a monster, let that be as it is; I am as Got was pleased to create me, which, peradventure, is more than I shall aver of him who gave me that title; for I will proclaim it before the world, that he is disguised, and transfigured, and transmographied with affectation and whimsies; and that he is more like a papoon than one of the human race."
CHAP. XXXV.
Captain Whiffle sends for me—his situation described—his surgeon arrives, prescribes for him, and puts him to bed—a bed is put up for Mr. Simper contiguous to the stateroom, which, with other parts of the captain's behaviour, gives the ship's company a very unfavourable idea of their commander—I am detained in the West-Indies, by the admiral, and go on board of the Lizard sloop of war, in quality of surgeon's mate, where I make myself known to the Surgeon, who treats me very kindly—I go on shore, sell my ticket, purchase necessaries, and at my return on board, am surprized at the sight of Crampley, who is appointed lieutenant of the sloop—we sail on a cruize—take a prize, in which I arrive at Port Morant, under the command of my mess mate, with whom I live in great harmony.
HE was going on, with an elogium upon the captain, when I received a message to clean myself, and go up to the great cabbin, which I immediately performed, sweetening myself with rose-water from the medicine-chest. When I entered the room, I was ordered to stand by the door, until captain Whiffle had reconnoitred me at a distance, with a spy-glass, who having consulted one sense in this manner, bid me advance gradually, that his nose might have intelligence, before it could be much offended: I therefore approached with great caution and success, and he was pleased to say,
"Ay, this creature is tolerable."—
I found him lolling on his couch with a languishing air, his head supported by his
valet de chambre,
who from time to time applied a smelling-bottle to his nose.—
"Vergette, (said he, in a squeaking tone) dost thou think this wretch (meaning me) will do me no injury? may I venture to submit my arm to him?"—
"Pon my vord, (replied the valet) I do tink dat dere be great occasion for your honour losing one small quantite of blodt; and the yong mun ave qulque chose of de bonne mine.—
"Well then (said his master) I think I must venture."—
Then addressing himself to me,
"Hast thou ever blooded any body but brutes?—But I need not ask thee, for thou wilt tell me a most damnable lie."—
"Brutes, Sir, (answered I, pulling down his glove in order to feel his pulse) I never meddle with brutes."—
"What the devil art thou about? (cried he) dost thou intend to twist off my hand? Gad's curse! my arm is benumbed up to the very shoulder! Heaven have mercy upon me! must I perish under the hands of savages? What an unfortunate dog was I to come on board without my own surgeon, Mr. Simper."—
I craved pardon for having handled him so roughly, and with the utmost care and tenderness tied up his arm with a fillet of silk. While I was seeling for the vein, he desired to know how much blood I intended to take from him, and when I answered,
"Not above twelve ounces;"
started up with a look full of horror, and bid me begone, swearing I had a design upon his life.—Vergette appeased him with some difficulty, and opening a bureau, took out a pair of scales, in one of which was placed a small cup; and putting them into my hand, told me, the captain never lost above an ounce and three drachms at one time.—While I prepared for this important evacuation, there came into the cabbin, a young man, gayly dressed, of a very delicate complexion, with a kind of languid smile on his face, which seemed to have been rendered habitual, by a long course of affectation.—The captain no sooner perceived him, than rising hastily, he flew into his arms, crying,
"O! my dear Simper! I am excessively disordered! I have been betrayed, frighted, murdered by the negligence of my servants, who suffered a beast, a mule, a bear to surprize me, and stink me into convulsions with the fumes of tobacco."—
Simper, who by this time, I found, was obliged to art for the clearness of his complexion, assumed an air of softness and sympathy, and lamented with many tender expressions of sorrow, the sad accident that had thrown him into that condition; then feeling his patient's pulse on the outside of his glove, gave it as his opinion, that his disorder was entirely nervous, and that some drops of tincture of castor and liquid laudanum, would be of more service to him than bleeding, by bridling the inordinate sallies of his spirits, and composing the fermentation of his bile proceeding therefrom.—I was therefore sent to prepare this prescription, which was administred in a glass of sack-posset, after the captain had been put to bed, and orders sent to the officers on the quarter-deck, to let no body walk on that side under which he lay.
While the captain enjoyed his repose, the doctor watched over him, and indeed became so necessary, that a cabin was made for him contiguous to the state-room, where Whiffle slept; that he might be at hand in case of accidents in the night.—Next day, our commander being happily recovered, gave orders, that none of the lieutenants should appear upon deck, without a wig, sword, and ruffles; nor any midshipman, or other petty officer, be seen with a check shirt or dirty linen.—He also prohibited any person whatever, except Simper and his own servants, from coming into the great cabbin, without first sending in to obtain leave.—These singular regulations did not prepossess the ship's company in his favour; but on the contrary, gave scandal an opportunity to be very busy with his character, and accuse him of maintaining a correspondence with his surgeon, not fit to be named.
In a few weeks, our ship was under sailing orders, and I was in hopes of re-visiting my native country in a very short time, when the admiral's surgeon came on board, and sending for Morgan and me to the quarter-deck, gave me to understand, there was a great scarcity of surgeons in the West-Indies, that he was commanded to detain one mate out of every great ship that was bound for England; and desired us to agree among ourselves, before the next day at that hour, which of us should stay behind.—We were thunder-struck at this proposal, and stared at one another some time, without speaking; at length the Welchman broke silence, and offered to remain in the West-Indies, provided the admiral would give him a surgeon's warrant immediately: But he was told there was no want of chief surgeons, and that he must be contented with the station of mate, till he should be further provided for in due course: Whereupon Morgan flatly refused to quit the ship for which the commissioners of the navy had appointed him; and the other told him as plainly, that if we could not determine the affair by ourselves before tomorrow morning, he must cast lots, and abide by his chance.—When I recalled to my remembrance the miseries I had undergone in England, where I had not one friend to promote my interest, or favour my advancement in the navy, and at the same time, reflected on the present dearth of surgeons in the West-Indies, and the unhealthiness of the climate, which every day, almost, reduced the number, I could not help thinking my success would be much more certain and expeditious, by staying where I was, than by returning to Europe.—I therefore resolved to comply with a good grace, and next day, when we were ordered to throw dice, told Morgan, he needed not trouble himself, for I would voluntarily submit to the admiral's pleasure.—This frank declaration was commended by the gentleman, who assured me, it should not fare the worse with me for my resignation: Indeed he was as good as his word, and that very afternoon, procured a warrant, appointing me surgeon's mate of the Lizzard sloop of war, which put me on a footing with every first mate in the service.
My ticket being made out, I put my chest and bedding on board a canoe that was alongside, and having shook hands with my trusty friend the serjeant, and honest Jack Rattlin, who was bound for Greenwich-hospital, I took my leave of Morgan with many tears, after we had exchanged our sleeve-buttons as remembrances of each other.—Having presented my new warrant to the captain of the Lizard, I enquired for the doctor, whom I no sooner saw, than I recollected him to be one of those young fellows with whom I had been committed to the round-house, during our frolick with Jackson, as I have related before.—He received me with a good deal of courtesy, and when I put him in mind of our former acquaintance, expressed great joy in seeing me again, and recommended me to an exceeding good mess, composed of the gunner and the master's mate.—As there was not one sick person in the ship, I got leave to go ashore, next day, with the gunner, who recommended me to a Jew, that bought my ticket, at the rate of 40
per cent.
discount; and having furnished myself with what necessaries I wanted, returned on board in the evening, and to my great surprize, found my old antagonist Crampley walking upon deck.—Tho' I did not fear his enmity, I was shocked at his appearance, and communicated my sentiments on that subject to Mr. Tomlins the surgeon, who told me, that Crampley, by the dint of some friends about the admiral, had procured a commission constituting him lieutenant on board the Lizzard: and advised me, now he was my superior officer, to behave with some respect towards him, or else he would find a thousand opportunities of using me ill.—This advice was a bitter potion to me, whom pride and resentment had rendered utterly incapable of the least submission to, or even of reconciliation with the wretch, who had, on many occasions, treated me so inhumanly: However, I resolved to have as little connexion as possible with him, and to ingratiate myself as much as I could with the rest of the officers, whose friendship might be a bulwark to defend me from the attempts of his malice.
In less than a week we sailed on a cruize, and having got round the east end of the island, had the good fortune to take a Spanish Barcolongo, with her prize, which was an English ship bound for Bristol, that sailed from Jamaica a fortnight before, without convoy. All the prisoners who were well, were put on shore on the north-side of the island; the prizes were manned with Englishmen, and the command of the Barcolongo, given to my friend the master's mate, with orders to carry them into Port Morant, and there to remain until the Lizzard's cruize should be ended, at which time she would touch at the same place in her way to Port-Royal.—With him I was sent to attend the wounded Spaniards as well as Englishmen, who amounted to sixteen, and to take care of them on shore, in a house that was to be hired as an hospital.—This destination gave me a great deal of pleasure, as I would, for some time, be freed from the arrogance of Crampley, whose inveteracy against me had already broke out on two or three occasions, since he was become a lieutenant.—My mess-mate, who very much resembled my uncle, both in figure and disposition, treated me on board of the prize, with the utmost civility and confidence; and among other favours, made me a present of a silver hilted hanger, and a pair of pistols mounted with the same metal, which fell to his share in plundering the enemy.—We arrived safely at Morant, and going ashore, pitched upon an empty store-house, which we hired for the reception of the wounded, who were brought to it next day, with beds and other necessaries; and four of the ship's company appointed to attend them, and obey me.
CHAP. XXXVI.
A strange adventure—in consequence of which I am extremely happy—Crampley does me ill offices with the captain: But his malice is defeated by the good-nature and friendship of the surgeon—we return to Port-Royal—our captain gets the command of a larger ship, and is succeeded by an old man—Brayl is provided for—we receive orders to sail for England.
WHEN my patients were all in a fair way, my companion and commander, whose name was Brayl, carried me up the country to the house of a rich planter, with whom he was acquainted; where we were sumptuously entertained, and in the evening set out on our return to the ship. When we had walked about a mile by moon-light, we perceived a horseman behind us, who coming up, wished us
good even,
and asked which way we went: His voice, which was quite familiar to me, no sooner struck my ear, than, in spite of all my resolution and reflection, my hair bristled up, and I was seized with a violent fit of trembling, which Brayl mis-interpreting, bid me be under no concern, for he would stand by me.—I told him, he was mistaken in the cause of my disorder; and addressing myself to the person on horse-back, said,
"I could have sworn by your voice, that you was a dear friend of mine, if I had not been certain of his death."—
To this, after some pause, he replied,
"There are many voices as well as faces that resemble one another; but pray, what was your friend's name?"
I satisfied him in that particular, and gave a short detail of the melancholy fate of Thomson, not without many sighs and some tears. A silence ensued which lasted some minutes, and then the conversation turned on indifferent subjects, till we arrived at a house on the road, where the horseman alighted, and begged with so much earnestness, that we would go in and drink a bowl of punch with him, that we could not resist.—But if I was alarmed at his voice, what must my amazement be, when I discovered by the light, the very person of my lamented friend! Perceiving my confusion, which was extreme, he clasped me in his arms and bedewed my face with tears.—It was some time ere I recovered the use of my reason, overpowered with this event, and longer still before I could speak. So that all I was capable of, was to return his embraces, and to mingle the overflowings of my joy with his; while honest Brayl, affected with the scene, wept as fast as either of us, and signified his participation of our happiness, by hugging us both, and capering about the room like a mad-man.—At length I retrieved the use of my tongue, and cried,
"Is it possible, can you be my friend Thomson? No certainly, alas! he was drowned! and I am now under the deception of a dream!"—
Then I relapsed into tears.—He was at great pains to convince me of his being the individual person whom I regretted, and bidding me sit down and compose myself, promised to explain his sudden disappearance from the Thunder, and to account for his being at present in the land of the living.—This he acquitted himself of, after I had drank a glass of punch, and recollected myself; by informing us, that with a determination to rid himself of a miserable existence, he had gone in the nighttime to the head, while the ship was on her way, from whence he slipped down, as softly as he could by the bows, into the sea, where, after he was heartily ducked, he began to repent of his precipitation, and as he could swim very well, kept himself above water, in hopes of being taken up by some of the ships astern;—that in this situation, he hailed a large vessel and begged to be taken in, but was answered, that she was a heavy sailor, and therefore they did not chuse to lose time, by bringing to; however, they threw an old chest over-board, for his convenience, and told him, that some of the ships a-stern would certainly save him;—that no other vessel came within sight or cry of him, for the space of three hours, during which time he had the mortification of finding himself in the middle of the ocean alone, without support or resting-place, but what a few crazy boards afforded; till at last, he discerned a small sloop steering towards him, upon which he set up his throat, and had the good fortune to be heard and rescued from the dreary waste, by their boat, which was hoisted out on purpose.—
"I was no sooner brought on board (continued he) than I fainted; and when I recovered my senses, found myself in bed, regaled with a most noisome smell of onions and cheese, which made me think at first, that I was in my own hammock, along-side of honest Morgan, and that all which had passed was no more than a dream.—Upon enquiry I understood that I was on board of a schooner belonging to Rhode Island, bound for Jamaica, with a cargo of geese, pigs, onions, and cheese; and that the master's name was Robertson, by birth a North Briton, whom I knew at first sight to be an old school-fellow of mine.—When I discovered myself to him, he was transported with surprize and joy, and begged to know the occasion of my misfortune, which I did not think fit to disclose, because I knew his notions with regard to religion, were very severe and confined; therefore contented myself with telling him, I fell over-board by accident; but made no scruple of explaining the nature of my disagreeable station, and of acquainting him with my determined purpose never to return to the Thunder man of war."—
"Although he was not of my opinion in that particular, knowing that I must lose my cloaths, and what pay was due to me, unless I went back to my duty; yet, when I described the circumstances of the hellish life I led, under the tyrannic sway of Oakhum and Mackshane; and among other grievances, hinted a dissatisfaction at the irreligious deportment of my ship-mates, and the want of the true Presbyterian gospel doctrine; he changed his sentiments, and conjured me with great vehemence and zeal to lay aside all thoughts of rising in the navy; and that he might shew how much he had my interest at heart, undertook to provide for me in some shape or other, before he should leave Jamaica.—This he performed to my heart's desire, by recommending me to a gentleman of fortune, with whom I have lived ever since, in quality of surgeon and overseer to his plantations.—He and his lady are now at Kingston, so that I am, for the present, master of this house, to which, from my soul, I bid you welcome, and hope you will favour me with your company during the remaining part of the night."—
I needed not a second invitation; but Mr. Brayl, who was a diligent and excellent officer, could not be persuaded to sleep out of the ship: However, he supped with us, and after having drank a chearful glass, set out for the vessel, which was not above three miles from the place, escorted by a couple of stout Negroes, whom Mr. Thomson ordered to conduct him.—Never were two friends more happy in the conversation of one another than we, for the time it lasted: I related to him the particulars of our attempt upon Carthagena, of which he had heard but an imperfect account; and he gratified me with a narration of every little incident of his life since we parted.—He assured me, it was with the utmost reluctance, he could resist his inclination of coming down to Port-Royal to see Morgan and me, of whom he had heard no tidings since the day of our separation; but that he was restrained by the fear of being detained as a deserter.—He told me, that when he heard my voice in the dark, he was almost as much surprized as I was at seeing him afterwards; and in the confidence of friendship, disclosed a passion he entertained for the only daughter of the gentleman with whom he lived, who, by his description, was a very amiable young lady, and did not distain his addresses; that he was very much favoured by her parents, and did not despair of obtaining their consent to the match, which would at once render him independent of the world.—I congratulated him on his good fortune, which he protested should never make him forget his friend; and towards morning we betook ourselves to rest.
Next day he accompanied me to the ship, where Mr. Brayl entertained him at dinner, and having spent the afternoon together, he took his leave of us in the evening, after he had forced upon me ten pistoles, as a small token of his affection.—In short, while we staid here, we saw one another every day, and generally eat at the same table, which was plentifully supplied by him, with all kinds of poultry, butcher's meat, oranges, limes, lemons, pine-aples, Madeira-wine, and excellent rum; so that this small interval of ten days, was by far the most agreeable period of my life.
At length, the Lizzard arrived; and as my patients were all fit for duty, they and I were ordered on board of her, where I understood from Mr. Tomlins, that there was a dryness between the lieutenant and him, on my account; that rancorous villain having taken the opportunity of my absence, to fill the captain's ears with a thousand scandalous stories, to my prejudice; among other things affirming, that I had been once transported for theft, and that when I was in the Thunder man of war I had been whipt for the same crime.—The surgeon, on the other hand, having heard my whole story from my own mouth, defended me strenuously, and in the course of that good-natured office, recounted all the instances of Crampley's malice against me, while I remained on board of that ship.—Which declaration, while it satisfied the captain of my innocence, made the lieutenant as much my defender's enemy as mine. This infernal behaviour of Crampley, with regard to me, added such fuel to my former resentment, that at certain times, I was quite beside myself with the desire of revenge, and was even tempted to pistol him on the quarter-deck, though an infamous death must inevitably have been my reward.—But the surgeon, who was my confident, argued against such a desperate action so effectually, that I stifled the flame which consumed me for the present, and resolved to wait a more convenient opportunity.—In the mean time, that Mr. Tomlins might be the more convinced of the wrongs I suffered by this fellow's slander, I begged he would go and visit Mr. Thomson, whose wonderful escape I had made him acquainted with, and enquire of him into the particulars of my conduct, while he was my fellow-mate. This the surgeon complied with, more through curiosity to see a person whose fate had been so extraordinary, than to confirm his good opinion of me, which, he assured me, was already firmly established.—He therefore set out for the dwellingplace of my friend, with a letter of introduction from me; and being received with all the civility and kindness I expected, returned to the ship, not only satisfied with my character, beyond the power of doubt or insinuation, but also charmed with the affability and conversation of Thomson, who loaded him and me with presents of fresh stock, liquors and fruit. As he would not venture to come and see us on board, left Crampley should know and detain him, when the time of our departure approached, I obtained leave to go and bid him farewell.—After we had vowed an everlasting friendship, he pressed upon me a purse with four double dubloons, which I refused as long as I could, without giving umbrage; and having cordially embraced each other, I returned on board, where I found a small box, with a letter directed for me, to the care of Mr. Tomlins.—Knowing the superscription to be of Thomson's hand-writing, I opened it with some surprize, and learned that this generous friend, not contented with loading me with the presents already mentioned, had sent for my use and acceptance, half a dozen fine shirts, and as many linnen waistcoats and caps, with twelve pair of new thread-stockings.—Being thus provided with money, and all necessaries for the comfort of life, I began to look upon myself as a gentleman of some consequence, and felt my pride dilate apace.
Next day we sailed for Port-Royal, where we arrived safely with our prizes; and as there was nothing to do on board, I went ashore, and having purchased a laced waistcoat, with some other cloaths at a vendue, made a swaggering figure for some days, among the taverns, where I ventured to play a little at hazard, and came off with fifty pistoles in my pocket. Mean while our captain was promoted to a ship of twenty guns, and the command of the Lizzard given to a man turned of fourscore, who had been lieutenant since the reign of king William to this time, and notwithstanding his long service, would have probably died in that station, had he not employed some prize-money he had lately received, to make interest with his superiors. My friend Brayl was also made an officer about the same time, after he had served in quality of midshipman and mate five and twenty years. Soon after these alterations, the admiral pitched upon our ship to carry home dispatches for the ministry; accordingly we set sail for England, having first scrubbed her bottom, and taken in provision and water for the occasion.
The END of the FIRST VOLUME.