Modern Times, OR THE ADVENTURES OF GABRIEL OUTCAST.
SUPPOSED TO BE WRITTEN BY HIMSELF.
IN IMITATION OF GIL BLAS.
QUI CAPIT, ILLE FACIT.
Prov.
IN THREE VOLUMES. VOLUME II.
LONDON:
PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR, BY THE LITERARY SOCIETY, At the
LOGOGRAPHIC PRESS,
AND SOLD BY J. WALTER, PRINTING-HOUSE-SQUARE, BLACKFRYARS.
M,DCC,LXXXV.
MODERN TIMES.
CHAPTER XVII.
MISS Wildman having opened herself so much to her maid respecting me, and which, he conceiving could said only with a view of my hearing it again, I took an opportunity one morning, when she came into Charlotte's room, to request her private ear for five minutes. With great and amiable good-nature, she sent her maid into her room to adjust her toilet, when I addressed her in the following manner.
If it be not an act of the highest presumption, Madam, for one in
my
humble station in life, to declare an attachment to a young lady of your rank and fortune; if it be not an offence against propriety and duty, to solicit your attention to any tale of mine; I would venture to represent to you, that thought you see me here as your father's valet, I am a gentleman both by birth and education, and am not a great way removed from a very considerable landed property. There is an estate of four thousand pounds a year, in the family, and my hopes of one day inheriting it, are not wild and romantic. I mention this only to induce your favourable hearing.
—
Mr. Gabriel,
said she, interrupting me,
from the time I first saw you, I was convinced, that, though wearing a livery, you had been bred to better expectations;—but as you have been the preserver of my honour, and have risked your life in my defence, whether servant or master, you are equally entitled to my regard and gratitude.
—
Talk not of gratitude! my dear Miss Wildman,
exclaimed I; for her sweet condescension gave me greater confidence,
talk not of gratitude; what I did, was a duty due from my sex to yours, and if it merits your simple thanks, I am over-paid. My humble character in life will not suffer me to make advances, but should fortune, at any future period, put us nearer on an equality, may I hope for something more than your regard?
—
I am of too selfish a nature,
returns Miss Wildman,
not to acknowledge, that were I mistress of worlds, you have deserved them all. I have a heart, it is true, to give again, but what is my poor heart without my hand?
That
is at my father's disposal; was it at my command, I would enter further into the subject.
A thousand blessings on you, my dear Miss Wildman, for this generous declaration,
cried I in rapture, taking her hand, which she readily gave me,
let me extort but one declaration more, and, poor as I am, I shall be the happiest of men.
Your good sense, Mr. Gabriel,
returned she,
will, I am persuaded, prevent your urging me to say any thing I ought not to say: what I am mistress of, you may command; what I have not to give, you cannot expect.
I have too high a veneration for you, my dear Miss Wildman,
replied I, still holding her by the hand,
to urge the least impropriety: you have frankly confessed your heart is still at liberty, but not your hand; I ask not your hand at present, but solicit only your heart, and that you will give me a chance, by time, of possessing the former; at least, that you will promise me not to bestow the one, where you cannot yield the other.
This she solemnly promised; "her heart," she said,
I had won, and it was mine; she had only to lament that she could not give her hand as readily.
Charlotte that instant entering the room, she left me, but said she would take the first opportunity of seeing me again
SHE kept her word the next morning, and brought me an enamelled ring, of no great value in deed, otherwise than as a proof of having re-considered the matter, and thus ratifying her determination. "Take, my dear Gabriel," says she,
this ring, as a pledge of my sincerity, that while
you
are living, as I have thought proper to present you my
heart,
no man else shall have my
hand.
—
I take it, my dear Miss Wildman,
returned I, pressing it with her hand to my lips,
as the best gift below, Heaven has to give; and if I prove unworthy of the gift, may I never know bliss hereafter. I call you the most generous of women, as the difference of my situation in life from your's, puts me at too great a distance to have any expectations.
Situation,
my dear Gabriel,
replied she,
is an idle term. On the footing of nature, we are all equal, and if there are any circumstances in the eye of the world, that raise one person above another, or distinguish individuals, it is a greater share of moral virtue, or of mental or corporal endowments, given us by Providence and improved by art. You have to boast of these, and of course, are far before half the gentlemen I have the honour to know. In alliances for life, to secure a competency, without which happiness is merely ideal, it may be necessary to consult interest and pay some regard to fortune; but where there is sufficient property on one side to ensure that competency, to look for it on the other, is mercenary and covetous. My father is able to give me a fortune, adequate to my utmost wishes; and whenever the time shall come, that I am in possession of that, or you be in a situation not to want it, you shall command my
hand,
as you do now my
heart.
THUS, in an endearing enjoyment of a reciprocity of affection, through the confidence of Charlotte, and the convenience of her room, did many days glide smoothly on. But after I had been in the family about six weeks; with a kind of terror in her countenance, Miss Wildman brought me the following letter, which she had received from Lord B.
Thou most cruel of women,
I have been long at loss to account for your indifference, but the cause I am now acquainted with, that of having a rival among your father's
servants.
I have too much pride to acquaint Mr. Wildman with the fact, but I shall watch the scoundrel's motions and remove him from you."
Your injured B—.
I SMILED at the threat and requested her to make herself easy under it, for as fear was no part of my composition, I should be always upon my guard; but, if at any time, I was betrayed, by any of my fellow-servants, and prevented a night from sleeping at home, she should hear immediately from me. She assured me, her alarm was not very great upon the occasion, as she conceived the letter to be a menace only; her greatest unhappiness was, that if any information had been given to him, through a suspicion of the servants, it might reach her father's ears, through the same channel, and occasion a great deal of unhappiness; for though no man was more warm in his friendships, no one was more violent in his resentments. Should such a thing take place, I told her, whether I was in the house, or out of it, she had my consent to disown it, and if I was called upon, I would do the same.
THE alarm, however, caused me many an unquiet moment. I had too good an opinion of Charlotte to think
she
would betray me, and I was not conscious it was known to any other part of the family. Lord B. might possibly have heard that I was taken into the house, and his jealousy might lead him to form a thousand conceptions, and he might fix on this, in order to mortify Miss Wildman's pride. However, from the tenor of the letter and from what I heard at Mrs. Duplex's, I was determined to be prepared for any violent attack, and therefore never went out afterwards, but with a tuck cane and a brace of pistols loaded.
THE third day after Miss Wildman had shewn me Lord B's letter, I was going out in the evening about six o'clock, in the month of October, and it was then just at the close of day; I had on a blue surtout-coat with a red cape, and plain hat with gilt button and loop; and scarce had the porter opened the outer door, but I heard a voice say,
That's he.
At this, I rather drew back, and a man in a chairman's coat, ran up the steps towards me, and, with a tuck in his hand, made an attempt to seize me; I struck him upon the arm with my cane, and with my foot thrust him down off the steps; at that instant I saw two men more making up to me, armed with bludgeons, one had nearly reached me, on which I took out one of my pistols and fired it, and as, I believe, killed him on the spot. I then turned round, in order to take shelter within the house, and found that the porter tried all he could to shut the door against me; I overpowered him, however, with strength, forced my way in, bolted the door upon my enemy, and with the but end of my pistol, laid the porter flat upon the floor. All this took place in less time than I have been telling it. Finding myself so far safe, I ran backwards towards the stables, pulled off my surtout coat that I might not be known, tore the button and loop from my hat, and made my escape into the Meuse, in which our stables stood. As soon as I found myself at liberty, I pushed away to a neighbouring stand of coaches, got into one and bid the coachman drive me towards St. Giles's church. When I was out of the reach of any pursuit, I began to consider what was proper to be done. Perfectly convinced from the porter's endeavouring to shut me out, that he must be a party concerned, I determined to write to my master, and beg him to stand my friend and least a warrant should be issued to apprehend me, to get off, the next morning, to some distance from London. When I was near the end of Oxford Road, I ordered the coachman to set me down, walked on about half a mile, went into a tavern and wrote a letter, of which the following is a copy:
SIR,
I WILL not preface this letter with its cause; er'e this, you are too well acquainted with it, I am safe at present from any fear of danger or of being apprehended. From a declaration of Lord B's at Mrs. Duplex's, since I had the honour of being useful to Miss Wildman, that he would take an opportunity to be revenged of me, and from some other circumstances, I have reason to believe, that he way-laid me at your door; for, on my going out, a fellow, in a chairman's coat, with a tuck in his hand, endeavoured to lay hold of me. I beat his arm down with my cane, and with my foot thrust him from the steps; at this instant two more fellows with bludgeons endeavoured to lay violent hands on me, the foremost I fired at and possibly may have killed, for I saw him fall. Attempting to return into the house, John, your porter, did all he could to prevent it, by forcing the door against me; I succeeded, however, contrary to his wishes, and from a conviction that he must, from such conduct, have been privy to the design against me, I knocked the scoundrel down with my pistol. If he lived to rise again, you will probably, by having him before a magistrate, come at the bottom of this dark affair; I trust you will do it, not only in justice to yourself and the world; but to your unfortunate, but respectful humble servant,
GABRIEL OUTCAST.
P.S. Part of the fifty pounds you was pleased to give me, is in my trunk in my room, which I beg leave to commit to your disposal, having sufficient money for my present occasions.
I thought of writing to Miss Wildman, according to my promise; but, dropped it, lest my letter should have been intercepted by her father; and as I knew she would be made acquainted with my situation from what I had written to
him.
I walked into the Strand with this letter and thence dispatched a chairman with it to Berkley Square. This done, I found my mind at ease, went into a coffee-house, got me some refreshment reconnoitred the depth of my purse, which contained rather better than three guineas, and went out, about ten o'clock, in quest of a lodging; which, in order to elude all search, I determined should be in one of those houses, in the narrow part of St. Giles's, where vagrants are taken in at two-pence a night. I soon found out such a lodging, and that my dress might create no suspicion, I turned my coat wrong side outwards, loosened the knees of my breeches, slouched my hat, rolled myself in the kennel, and affected to be in liquor. It answered all the purposes I wished, and I was shewn up to a bed, without sheets, where some poor wretch was already lain and fast sleep. I was no sooner in the room, than the man, who shewed me up-stairs, asked me for two-pence for my lodging, locked the door upon me, and told me, when I rose and chose to be let out, to ring the bell. He left me no candle, and all the light I had was from a lamp on the stair-case, that gave light within the room, by a little window over the door. I could not find out by that light what kind of a person my bed-fellow was, but I examined his cloaths, and, by the best conjecture I could make, supposed him to be a labouring man. His breeches were leather, but exceedingly greasy, and neither strings nor buckles at the knees; his waistcoat had been scarlet, but it had but one flap and four buttons, and his coat was originally what is called a thickset, but out at the elbows; his hat round, but grown brown with age, and his stockings blue worsted, but full of darns; they were, however, tolerably well mended and pretty clean. I tried on the coat and waistcoat and found they fitted me well enough. The reader will perhaps wonder at all this; but, when I tell him my design, he will wonder no longer. My plan was to rise before he waked and change cloaths with him, that I might get into the country, in such disguise without fear of interruption. As I was not much disposed for sleep, I surveyed my room, and found the furniture consisted of a broken chair or two, a table with three legs, an old stove in the fire-place, with a shovel and poker chained to the chimney, perhaps, lest a lodger should be pleased to make free with them; and lest we should carry away the blankets was the reason, I presume, of our being locked in. Bad as the bed was, I laid me down upon it, but could not get a wink of sleep; therefore, when I heard the watchman cry four, my companion being still snoring, I dressed myself in his cloaths, except his shoes, and instead of four pence half penny and a little tobacco which I found in his pocket, I left the poor devil half a crown, and flattered myself he would not be unhappy at the change; for though distressed at my own situation, I could not but feel for his. I next cut my hair short in the poll, with a knife, I had in my pocket, and pulled it over my forehead; and could I have seen myself, I have no doubt but I should have started at my own figure. When completely dressed, I rung the bell, and was let out, the chamberlain turning the key upon the man I had left asleep. The fellow said nothing to me, nor I to him, and I walked off as composed, as if I had nothing to trouble me.
It being rather a cold morning, I walked hastily towards Hyde-Park corner, without any thing about me of value, except, my pistols, my cane, my buckles, my ring, my shirt and my pocket handkerchief, and about three pounds in money. I was presently overtaken by the Exeter coach, and got up into the basket.
CHAP. X.
IT being very cold upon the road, I found the want of a great coat much, and at the inn where the coach breakfasted, I got luckily equipped with one. On my saying in the kitchen I felt the weather cold, and would gladly give my shoe buckles, which were silver and fashionable; in exchange for a great coat, a gentleman's servant by the fire-side, embraced the proposal, said,
he had a good livery coat to dispose of, blue with a white cape, which he thought would fit me, and if I liked it, he would swap with me.
He fetched down the coat from above, being a lodger in the house, the bargain was immediately struck, and he gave me the coat and his metal buckles in exchange for mine: I put it on an instantly forgot my situation; so much happiness does a little degree of comfort create. The only thing I noticed worth remarking at this house was, that some of the coach gentry had found fault with the tea, and desired fresh might be brought; but the girl put the fame into a fresh cannister, and carried it in again, at which they were pleased. On my smiling at this, she told me,
she often did so, for travellers seldom knew good tea from bad, or good wine from bad; that they found fault frequently for the sake of finding fault, and thought by calling about them to give themselves consequence; that she had lived long enough in an inn to know their trim; and always turned the tables upon them; and if at any time they disliked the tea or the wine, she carried in the same again in a fresh cannister, or changed the other for a fresh bottle of the same wine, and it was immediately praised with a 'This is
something
like!' Why had not you brought us this before?
The ridiculousness of such conduct will be better displayed by the following anecdote, to which I was a witness, at a place of entertainment in the neighbourhood of London.
Three or four military gentlemen, who affected to be judges of wine, had called for a bottle of Lisbon. The first who tasted it, said, it was pricked, and asked the opinion of the rest. One who boasted in a superior knowledge of wines, said 'let
me
taste it,' and having taken half a glass, worked it about in his mouth and spit it out on the floor, with a 'pricked!' Zounds, 'tis
sour.
In short, they all agreed it was d-mned bad, and not fit to be drank. The waiter was called, and, asserting it to be Lisbon and such as no gentleman had ever disliked, he was ordered to send his master; the waiter having told his master the complaint, the master assured the gentlemen that it was good Lisbon, that he gave the best price for his wines, and was sorry they disapproved of it. 'Zounds, fellow,' says one, 'do you suppose we have neither taste nor judgment?' Taste it
yourself.'
The master tasted it—told the gentlemen, he was sorry for the accident—it was a mistake of the waiter, who had brought them
Old Hock
instead of
Lisbon,
but he would change it for them immediately. They looked round upon each other with a ridiculous surprise at their own ignorance, and replied, '
Hock
is it?—Well, if it be
Hock,
you may leave it;' and were thus contented to pay seven shillings, for what they would not give half a crown for before.
—But, to pursue the thread of my story.
AT the end of the first day's journey, I quitted the coach, and determined to travel on foot. Having loaded my pistols, in order to secure the little money I had, I, the next day, broke out of the high road, to cross a part of the New Forest in Hampshire, as undetermined as when I first set out which way to proceed; and I had scarce walked a mile from the town where I lay, but I was accosted by two men in tattered garments, having clubbed sticks in their hands, with
Which way are you going, my boy?
My beard was of four days growth, and I looked as rough, and as uncouth as either of them. I told them
I was a stranger to the country, and hardly knew which way I was going.
"Come then," says one of them
let's see what you are made of; turn out your pockets.
On this I threw open my great coat and took one of my pistols in my hand, and they started back; not expecting, I apprehend, to find me armed. "Harkee, my friends," says I, presenting the pistol at them
I am one of the desperate ones, and have more need of
protection
than to be rifled. I am flying from the world, and if you can point out to me any haunt in this forest, where I can be concealed for some time, you will render. yourselves of use to me and you may possibly find your account in it; but if you act treacherously and attempt to deceive me, I will, by the L—d, lodge the contents of these pistols within you.
Will you be one of us?
say he, who accosted me first.
What are you?
relied I.
We are, returned he, part of a company who dwell in this forest, and lead a very easy, undisturbed life—we are sworn friends to each other, and live by marauding.
That is to say,
retorted I,
you are a gang of rascals.
But, checking myself for the asperity of the term; for there are rascals in every walk of life, from the first minister of state to the beggar in St. Giles's, and to upbraid them with their conduct, is but to wage war with mankind; (besides, its the polite only, and the witty that can bear raillery.) "Come," said I,
my lads, I don't mean to affront you. You may be as great in
your
way, as the best of men are in
theirs;
you, perhaps, act but as the rest of the world; that is, do no right, take no wrong, keep what you get, and get what you can; plunder those only who have not heart to give, live an independent life upon the fat of the land, and kill your own mutton.
Come, lead on, I'll see your company.
—
But, we must know,
says one of them,
what likelihood there is of your continuing with us; and that you will not betray us?
My poverty,
replied I,
is the best security for my not quitting an easy independent life, and as I shall be but one, among many, if I prove treacherous, pistol me.
Agreed,
—said they,
give us your hand;
and d-mn
me,
says one of these fellows to the other,
if our ruler wont be glad to have him among us!
with that he pulled out of his pocket a small bottle of gin, and asked me
if I would have a sup.
I drank with them as a ratification of the covenant between us, and then followed them. They informed me, that their company consisted of seventeen stout men, between twenty years of age and fifty, and that it was of many years standing; that sometimes they have been more in number, sometimes less, as now and then one of them died, and now and then would one of them fall into the hands of justice, and they lost him; that they were well known throughout the whole forest, and were considered by the inhabiants as a necessary evil; as, for one lawless crime they committed, they prevented many. Not putting the greatest confidence in these my new friends, I made them rather walk before me, telling them,
that as we became better acquainted, I, probably, should not be so mistrustful.
They took what I said in good part; and told me,
they thought we should reach their place of rendezvous by the hour of meeting, which was eleven o'clock.
They led me through many intricate and by-paths, and I observed, that though we passed several foresters, none took any more notice of us, than merely looking back upon us after we had passed them. One person we met, indeed, stopped and told us, his hen-roost had been robbed the night before, and asked the man, whose name was Nim, whether he had heard any thing of it; he assured him, he had not; for, I found, on conversing with them, that they suffered no plunder in the place, if they could help it, but what they committed themselves. "As for ourselves," says Nim,
we act with generosity, and never take, but from those who can afford to lose.
I observed to them,
it would be happy for this country, if all men could boast the same; for it was the misfortune of the wretched ever to be the prey of the rapacious.
"By G-d, Nim," says Trig; for that was the name of the other honourable scoundrel, I had been pleased to take by the hand;
this seems to be a good fellow, he must be our ruler next year;
(and to this mark of their approbation I made a bow of acknowledgement.) They told me,
that one of the company was annually chosen ruler by a majority of the rest.
As we travelled on, they were very desirous of knowing my history, and what led me to withdraw myself from the world; such adventurous parts of my story, as I thought would raise me in their opinion, I made them acquainted with, under a feigned name; but every other circumstance I carefully concealed. When I had ended my own story, I begged to know theirs.
NIM told me, he had been rider to a notorious smuggler, in the county of Sussex, who amassed a considerable sum of money by leaguing with the Custom-house officers; for, says he, though these men are appointed by government to look after and guard the revenue, they are the greatest villains in the world. They betray their trust, and serve themselves at the expence of the state.—"But herein," returned I,
they do no more than other great men of the age are accustomed to.
—"True," continued he,
I don't at all blame them. Every man for himself, and God for us all.
On my desiring to know some of the methods he pursued, Nim gave me the following account.
SMUGGLERS fin it their interest to bring such articles into this country as bear a heavy duty.
Tobacco-stalks, for example,
says he,
are a fine article of commerce in this way. The first cost of a ton weight of these stalks at Dunkirk, is not more than about forty shillings, and the duty being near forty-eight pounds, they wil sell to he Spanish cutters in London, who convert them into snuff, for fifty pounds a ton. Here then is a fine profit; if we can dispose of them for forty pounds, admit the first cost and expences amount to five pounds, the smuggler gains thirty-five pounds. Now this thirty-five pounds enables him to bribe the Custom-house officers in the neighbourhood where they are landed; they are made up in half hundred bags for the convenience of carriage by the coaches and machines, and the officers will pass forty of these packages, that is, a ton weight, for forty shillings.
—If the importer wishes to smuggle in a larger quantity of stalks at a time, than one or two tons, and carry them to any considerable distance from their landing, he sometimes gets an officer to seize them, and mark them with the broad R; and if, under this false seizure, the goods reach the destined place unobserved, the officer has so much percent; if they are noticed, in their way, by any other officer, not in the confederacy, they are carried to the Customhouse, and the officer gives to the smuggling importer that moiety of their value, that falls to his lot for seizing them.—So that, admitting a ton weight of such tobacco stalks, at the Custom-house sale, shall fetch no more than forty pounds; twenty of this is the property of the seizer, and being by him transferred to the smuggler, he gets twenty pounds for what cost him perhaps less than five. Was this discovered, the officer would lose his place; but what is his place (thirty-five or forty pounds a year, which a man can earn at day-labour) in competition with the sums they hazard such a place for? 'Tis the same with tea and other articles; —brandy is smuggled in small tubs of four or five gallons each, and tea in oilskin bags of fifty-six pounds weight per bag. Twenty, thirty, or forty of these tubs or bags, are strung together by cords, with stones fixed to them in order to sink them—thus prepared, the smuggler runs this boat up into a creek or river, and having noticed the place, by land and other marks, throws the goods overboard, where they lie concealed from sight, and ready to be grappled up again, at a more convenient time.
I HAVE been at this word often, and was thought as complete a smuggler as any in the country. Many a time have I left Dunkirk in an open boat of three or four tons burthen, and been off the Essex, Kent, or Sussex coasts, in the middle of a dark night, waiting for signals from the shore, to give notice for landing; but this has been when we chose to save the money to tidewaiters and Custom-house officers. —I followed this way of life a long time, but being afterwards out-lawed, I offered myself to the society to which I now belong, who subsist, in a great measure, by warring against the smugglers, and as I was thought acquainted with their practices, and of course a good acquisition, they accepted my services, and I have been in the brotherhood these four years.
ON my inquiring what he meant by being
rider
to a smuggler, he told me, that a body of daring, resolute men, were appointed by the importers to transport the articles they landed, from one town to another; that they rode in troops from sixty to one hundred in number, bidding defiance to all law and opposition; that they conveyed their tea and brandy with them openly in the face of day, each horse carrying his rider and three hundred pounds weight; that for this hazardous enterprize they were paid one guinea a week each, and seven shillings a day travelling expences; and that it was no wonder the revenue suffered so much as two millions of pounds annually, when smuggling had arrived to such a pitch, as that ships of force carrying twenty guns, were employed to bring merchandize from Flanders, and such bodies of men were hired to covey it from place to place, when on shore.
As we were now so near the place of rendezvous, Trig had not time to let me into his history, but promised it at a future opportunity. A very short time brought us up with the company, having travelled as I conceived, about seven miles from the high road. They seemed to be all met, and such a set of banditti I had never seen assembled before. They were seated on the ground, in a ring, within a glade in the thickest part of the forest, and as a circular trench was dug out within this ring, to let down their legs as they sat, the ground before them served them for a table, which was raised above the level of their seats by the earth thrown out of the trench: before each man were placed his wallet and his weapons of defence, among which I diseovered a carbine or two, two or three pair of rusty pistols, a few old cutlasses, and each man had a bludgeon besides. On my arrival at this place, my companions introduced me to the ruler, as one that wished to be of the company; whose honour and attachment (for these were their own words) they could venture to answer for. "Gentlemen, says I," addressing myself to the body,
you see here before you, a man, who, though young in life, has seen enough of the world to be sick of it; and who will be happy to find a retreat among
you.
I am a stranger to fear, and equal to any thing consistent with prudence. I presume you are governed by some laws of your own, and you will find me a strict observer of them. What the majority of this company dare propose, I think I dare undertake; and if conducted with spirit, will almost answer for the event.
This speech seemed to meet with general applause, and I took my seat at the board among the rest. On enquiry I found they were a parcel of villains that deserved a halter, and as I passed by a fictitious name, and did not boast of greater virtue than the rest, I was considered in no better light.
As soon as I was seated, the ruler, who did not want for sense, addressed me in the following terms.
You have been introduced here by our noble and worthy friends, Nim and Trig, and I trust you are not insensible of the dignity of a seat among us.—Whatever opinion you may entertain of this company, I venture to assert that we are all honourable men:— Men above any abject meanness. Like the nobles and rulers of the land, we live, indeed, by plunder, but it is the plunder of the villain, and such as are enemies to the community we belong to. Is it not just to take from the oppressor, and make him refund the wages of peculation? Does not the state benefit by forfeits and escheats, by sines and confiscations? And if it be lawful to take from a villain his property in any case, it is equally lawful to do it in
all
cases; for necessity cannot justify a bad act. The lower a scoundrel is kept, the less power he has of doing harm; if, therefore, we confine our plunder and depredations to the griping, the usurious and the lawless; far from acting wrong, we are doing what is right. We live here, my friend, secluded from a wicked world, happy in a well regulated society; protectors of the distressed, and a terror only to the man of rapacity and the smuggler. If we now and then break in upon the equitable doctrine of
mine
and
thine,
it arises only from an error in judgment, of false information; as it frequently happens at the boards of custom and excise, where they too frequently authorize oppression upon fimilar pleas of excuse. Often has a Custom-house officer seized a man's property, that has paid the legal duties, merely because the time of the
permit,
by which he is allowed to remove it, has expired a few hours: and what is this better than robbing on the highway? At the worst, we act but in conformity with the rest of the world, where the longest arm ever puts in a claim for the largest share. It is the custom of
state
rulers to enrich themselves at the expence of the community, and to stick at nothing that will add either to their pleasure or convenience; but
I
disclaim such conduct. I enjoy no privilegus but in common-with the rest, except that of leading them on occasionally in desperate adventures; and, as to exclusive benefits, I have none; nor do I wish for any. The plunder I acquire is ever shared among the company; more happy in having acquired it, than in any division that may fall to my share.—In short, my friend, whilst you think proper to continue with us, you will partake equally in every thing we possess, and if you now and then get some hard blows, you will have the statisfaction of suffering in a noble cause.
SUCH was our superior's introductory address to me, and it was not without its influence.
I AM almost ashamed to own it, but I continued in this society near two years, and gave such universal satisfaction, that in three months after my joining it, I was unanimously chosen their ruler; and I persuade myself from some falutary regulations I proposed and carried, that I placed the company on a more
respectable
footing than it had ever been before. We acted sometimes in a body, and sometimes by detachments, and so scoured the whole forest, as to keep it tolerably honest. We were at constant war with the smugglers, robbed them whenever we had an opportunity, and in so doing became useful members to the state. It was a rule of mine, and which I believe was invariably attended to, never to commit any depredations but on suspected people, on the griping and avaritious, and such persons as studied to be troublesome to us. If we had notice of any robbery committed within the forest, we never rested till we had ferreted the villain out, or given him into the hands of justice; so that we had often presents for such services; and if we were at any time charged with picking up a bag of tea, an anchor of brandy, a straggling sheep, or a wild turkey, that might have been the property of a smuggler, a griping farmer, or the like, it was generally winked at, and thought no more than what they deserved to lose. A present from any of the inhabitants of a toothless sheep, an old sow, a keg of gin or beer, or a cast suit of cloaths, was sure to be rewarded with protection for some months afterwards; so that in fact, we had the whole forest under contribution. We lived almost in the open air: we had, indeed, two or three mud cabins in one part of the forest; but, in the summer, we stept chiefly under hay stacks, dry banks, cart-lodges, and such other shelter; and in winter, the farmers, upon asking leave, would, through fear, suffer us to sleep a night or two in their empty out-houses or barns, and very often give us refreshment in the morning. Before I joined the party, I believe they would occasionally take a purse upon a byeroad, (witness the attempt that was made upon me,) and would sometimes stretch to other enormities; but there was no money collected during my time, except, perhaps, in the way of deceit, such as feigning distress and exciting the compassion of travelling strangers; nor, do I believe that any of the party proceeded to lengths, that would have amounted to more than a petty larceny.
CHAP XI.
OUR captain or ruler being the cleverst and best informed fellow of the whole gang, and having a genteel carriage, I was desirous of knowing his history; and one day when the party was upon the scout, and we two left alone, at my request, he gave me the following account of himself.
Who my mother was, I cannot say, but the person who called himself my father, was a sheriff's officer, who got pretty snugly into life, by plundering the wretched, and preying upon the oppressed. When I was at an age to remember any thing concerning him, he had a woman lived with him who passed for my mother-in-law; but it is a doubt with me, whether every they were married. However, be that as it may, they lived together as man and wife. The common public room of our house, was a miserable dungeon, under ground, calculated to convey an idea of horror, that men who had lived tolerably in the world, and who on an action for debt, were unfortunate enough to fall into his hands, might loath the very sight of the place, and be glad to give him five shillings a week to be admitted into a better room. We had one upstairs, that would contain twenty perssons, and it was generally full at five shillings a head; this with half a guinea a week, for half a bed, and two shillings and sixpence a day from each, for a wretched breakfast and a worse dinner, put a considerable deal of money into my father's pocket: but this was not the only mode he had of gaining money. Sheriff's officers give security always for their trust, so that if they serve a writ, and let the prisoner go at large, after he is once arrested, they are liable to pay the debt: 'tis on this account they will make fifty excuses rather than serve a writ in the presence of the attorney or the plaintiff; but when there is no prying eye upon their conduct, they will often, on receiving a present of a guinea or two, suffer their prisoners to go and look for their bail themselves; and should they, when at liberty, not keep their word, and attend the officer at the time appointed, he will tell the paintiff or his attorney, that he never was able to meet with the defendant. In this school, the receptacle of a variety of wretchedness, was I brought up till I was nineteen years old, and if I was born with any natural feelings, they were here quite eradicated. I was taught to load an unhappy wretch with additional misery, and rob him of every little degree of comfort he might possess, in order to make him pine for relief, which relief was never afforded but at an exorbitant price. We had a licence for selling wine; but that wine was so poor and so sour, that it required something stronger always to qualify it; and, if a prisoner wished to send out for brandy or strong beer, we always exacted as much for fetching it, as the liquor was worth. I should have continued with my father, he designing me to be one of his followers, but my mother-in-law led me such a weary life, that one day when my father was out, I opened his bureau, made free with about twenty pounds of his ill-gotten wealth, and decamped; and of course, never durst see his face again.
I HAD sense enough, with these twenty pounds to equip myself with necessary cloaths, and by an application to a register-office, got me a place; a character for which, cost me no less than a guinea. As a Sheriff's officer has always bail at hand, to give security to an action, at a price proportionable to the debt the prisoner is arrested for, so these keepers of register-offices, have always a house-keeper or two ready to give a character to those who want one, and are enabled to purchase it. The price of a written character is a crown; that of a verbal one, by one of these friends, a guinea. It was a guinea, however, well laid out, and I did not grudge it. It procured me a place at a tea-dealer's in Bond-street, to open and shut up shop, carray out parcels, and do other things. My master, from dealing with women of fashion, had acquired a smoothness of tongue sufficient to deceive the devil, and he found it of great use to him. If any woman came to his shop in a coach, or on foot with a servant behind her, whether titled or not, she was always a lady, and during her stay, the word
ladyship
was seldom out of his mouth. He would stand all day dressed at his shop door, when he had no customers within, and bow to every carriage that passed; and whilst he was at dinner, he expected me to be dressed, and to bow for him.
Why didn't you bow to that coach,
said he to me, one day warmly? I told him it was empty,
—
what's that to the purpose you blockhead,
returns he?
Always bow to a coronet full or empty.
And he profited by this plan; for he had a world of business, and was supposed to be a monied man. I was in the shop one day, when a lady accustomed to
drink twenty shilling tea, came in and asked to see some of his best Hyson. He shewed her a cannister at eighteen shillings a pound. She took it to the light, smelt it, tasted it, rubbed it in the palm of her hand, smelt it again, and enquired if he had no better; he assured her ladyship, there was no better to be bounght, and perhaps he spoke the truth; for all tea-dealers mix their teas, as wine merchants adulterate their wine and spirits. They make Hyson of all prices, from ten shillings to eighteen, by mixing it with what is called
Bloom,
or common green; then again they dye it and scent it; a few drops of Bergamot, &c. thrown into a pound of Souchong, is sold for Cowslip, or a tea of a superior nature; and as I generally had a hand in these adulterations, I can take upon me to say, I believe the tea my master shewed this lady, was as genuine as any she could have met with. But, it would not do;
Better,
says she,
Mr. Congo, is certainly to be bought, for I drink better every day, though 'tis true I give more money for it. If you have no better, I am sorry for the trouble I have given you.
On her leaving the shop, he replied,
if your ladyship does not object to price, I have a peculiar kind at thirty-six shillings a pound, which I defy the whole town to equal.
Thirty-six shillings!
exclaimed she, returning,
I never heard of such a price,—it must be a curiosity!—Pray let me see it.
He then reached down another cannister of the same tea, and she, examining it with some attention, cries,
this to be sure is considerably better; but the price amazes me.—Why did'nt you shew me this at first? Weigh me out two pounds, and if I like it, I will send for more.
Thus did this fanciful woman pay thirty-six shillings a pound for tea, which she might have had for eighteen. But 'tis the way with these ladies; not knowing the value or price of commodities, they are taken in by almost every tradesman they deal with. So that with all the parade of prying, looking over, examining, enquiring, cheapening, and so on, they will give fifty per cent more than other people. Knowing nothing beyond the line of life they are in, they rate the goodness of every thing by its price, and conceive a lowpriced article to be nought but trash. Goods within their knowledge, they will go far a-foot to purchase. City traders unused to deal with such persons, will not often take advantage of their ignorance. They will not ask fifteen shillings for a purse at a coach door, which they will sell for half the money to a customer on foot. There are some ladies shrewd enough to know this; and yet these, instead of going in their own carriage, will pay four shillings for a hackney coach, to save two-pence a yard on a dozen yards of ribband. In a word, they owe all this to their pride, their vanity and parade; they will go a
shopping
as they call it, morning after morning, tumble over a great variety of goods, give a great deal of trouble, and not buy; and often when they
do
buy, they will not
pay
for years. Were persons of fortune to act consistently, they would soon find their account in it; but whilst they go on as they do, they must not be surprised at any thing they meet with.
I TOLD the captain, that I had not only heard that wine-merchants adulterated their wines, but absolutely
made
them.
THERE is not the least doubt of it,
returns he;
three fourths of the white wine drank in this kingdom, are compositions put together here, and made palatable by a liquor they call
flavour;
and as to Port, what is generally drank, is a mixture of malt-spirits, red wine and turnip-juice
For the benefit of economical readers, the following are the proportions. Forty-eight gallons of liquor pressed from turnips, eight gallons of malt spirits, and eight gallons of good Port wine, coloured with Cochineal and roughened with elder tops. It should stand two years in casks, and one in bottles. If rough cyder is substituted for turnip-juice, and Coniac-brandy for malt spirits, the wine will be the better.
;—for the whole kingdom of Portugal could not furnish half the quantity here consumed. But to return,
says he,
to my story.
I SHOULD have continued with Mr. Congo longer, but I happened one day, to let the cat out of the bag, by telling my master, inadvertently before the exciseman, who happened to be in the shop, that a bag of tea which he had stowed away in the cellar, was burst, and a good deal of the tea shed. For there is not a teadealer in town or country, but what smuggles more or less. They are to conceal no exciseable goods from the inspection of the exciseman, and this idle expression of mine, not only cost him a silencing fee of twenty guineas to steer clear of the Exchequer, but it lost me my place.
I APPLIED again to a register-office, and was next in the service of Mr. Porcelain, a chinaman in St. James's Street. This master, like my last, had little to do but with women of fashion, and gave me an opportunity of seeing a little more of their folly. He had originally been a Welch drover, was a man of low cunning, and where he picked up his knowledge in china, I know not, but he was reckoned, a connoisseur, and became the standard of taste in this branch of trade. Possessed of the most beautiful and valuable collection in town, his shop was the morning saunter of thoseladies whose fancy took that turn. His mode of keeping up this collection, was by culling the china closets of women of quality in a very artful and designing way. His plan was to find out what ladies had the best collection, and whenever they came to his shop, he gave them to understand, that he took china in exchange, and possibly they might have a few odd articles, of little value to them, but which when assorted with other pieces, which he might find amongst his lumber, might be worth something. This generally procured him access to the closet: besides, there are few collectors of china, but (like collectors of natural curiosities) are fond of displaying their collections before those who are esteemed virtuosos.
HE was one day in lady Betty Soft's closet, when a pair of old vases of uncommon beauty struck him. But, he was silent. She shewed him every thing in turn; and asked his opinion of it. He did not fail to praise most things of little value, and depreciate many of intrinsic worth; but declared he had not seen upon the whole a more valuable collection any where, and that her Ladyship, shewed herself a woman of uncommon taste. There was nothing, he said, throughout the closet, that arraigned that taste, but those vulgar vases in the corner, which he would advise her ladyship to put upon the mantlepiece in her nursery.
Nursery,
says she,
Mr. Porcelain? they will soon be of no value there, and they cost me a great deal of money.
Then your ladyship was imposed on, returned he.
You
had better take them then,
replied lady Betty,
with these odd articles we have picked out.
They were of little worth
he said,
by themselves but along with other things, he would allow her ladyship something for them. He accordingly took them away with him; and was no sooner gone, than her ladyship's maid was rung for, and made acquainted with the business of the morning.
Porcelain, the china-man,
says she,
has been here, and those vases, which you and others have so much admired, I find are trumpery things.
Who told your ladyship so?
replies the maid.
Porcelain himself;
returns she,
he declared they were the most paltry things in nature, and a disgrace to my closet; and he has taken them away.
Taken them away!
exclaims Bridget,
sure, my lady, you would not suffer yourself to be cheated in that style; he has under-valued them merely to get them into his own clutches, and will sell them as great rarities.
—
Aye!
says lady Betty,
then send Thomas after him
immediately,
and let him bring them back.
Thomas was instantly dispatched, but Porcelain, on his reaching home ordered me to carry them up to the top of the house; and on being told the man's errand,
cried out, how very unfortunate! I had no sooner brought them and set them down upon my counter, but a gentleman, who came in at that instand, asked the price of that ordinary pair of vases, and I have sold them to him for a song.
Run, Will,
says he, to me,
down that street, you may possibly overtake him—in a scarlet gold-laced waistcoat—he has not been out of the shop five minutes.
I set off as he ordered me—but the vases were irrecoverable. And three months afterwards, with some additional painted ornaments to disguise them, they added to his stock of china, and were rated as antiques.
ON my smiling at the idea of his painting it a-fresh, he told me, it was a practice with him. He had been known to sell a whole service of white china painted and varnished over, for that which is burnt in, and when a dinner has been served up in it, the steam of the dishes has obliterated the painting, and all the figures have vanished.
He used to survey his customers from head to foot, and ask a price according to their appearance.
What shall I give you,
says a lady, one day, to him
for that set of Dresden china?
It was Chelsea, but as she took it for
Dresden,
he asked a
Dresden
price, (twenty guineas) and it was purchased. In a few weeks afterwards, her friends infomed her it was Chelsea.
She accordingly flew to him
and wondered how he could presume, to sell her that set of Chelsea china for Dresden.
I never sold it for Dresden,
returns he;
your ladyship asked me, what I would have for that set of
Dresden
china. I thought you had been a judge of china by your buying it up so. Had it been Dresden, it should not have gone for
forty
pieces. But, if your ladyship dislikes it, you are welcome to change it for any thing else.
Disappointed, she looked round and fixed upon a couple of jars worth about ten pounds, which he valued at thirty; but, to make her ladyship amends, he would only take of her five guineas, besides the breakfast set. The bargain was struck, the jars put into the coach, and her ladyship no sooner from the door, than he turned round to me, hugging himself in his adroitness, with a 'By G-d, one of the jars is cracked.'
THIS puts me in mind of a story, I have some where met with. A cane-seller in London, sold a gentleman a cane for five guineas, and to a second, the same kind of cane for ten, telling him it was a
unique,
and there was not such another in the kingdom; these two happiening to meet, and the last upon an examination of the two canes, conceiving himself imposed on, went to the person of whom he bought it, and rated him upon the subject; but he had sufficient address to reconcile his customer to the purchase; who implicitly believed what the seller told him.
It is a great misfortune, Sir,
says he,
that you are unacquainted with the great value of that cane. I have been looking out for you every day, expecting you would have called to have thanked me for letting you into so good a purchase on such easy terms.
I have examined the two canes,
replied the gentleman,
and see no difference.
Difference!
exclaimed the seller,
—
all the difference in the world—the one I sold for five guineas, is merely jam-
bee;
whereas your's is a jam-
beau.
SUCH a man was my second master; and you may suppose, that under the roof of two such artful instructors, I must certainly have improved. I learned a good deal before I left home; but acquired a further degree of knowledge under Mr. Congo and Mr. Porcelain. I fell in so much with my master's natural disposition, that he began to like me; but an accident here also deprived me of my place. Our shop was seldom kept open after five o'clock, so that I had a good deal of time upon my hands;—some of my evenings I, used to spend at a spouting club in the neighbourhood; where, though a very bad speaker, I got such a rage for declamation, that I was always repeating some passages or other, whenever I, had opportunity. When I spent my evenings at home, I used to entertain the maids with my theatrical abilities. One of these, Susan, a simple country wench, was mightily taken with my speeches. I have ranted away Hotspur, till she has, with her mouth open, been as stiff, and as motionless as a statue. But one evening, when I was in spirits, I gave them a few passages out of Alexander the Great, and I had worked myself up to such a pitch, in the scene with Clytus, that when I was to kill him, in a paroxism of rage, I kicked down the table, forgetting that my master was overhead. This made such a clatter, that the bell was rung, and, Susan went up, scarce recovered from that frigidity of horror, my murderous tongue at first had thrown her into.
What's all that d—mned racked below?
says my master—
Nothing, Sir,
says she,
but Alexander has just killed Clyphus.
If he goes on in this way,
returns my master,
I shall have him in one of his fits, dealing death among the china, and do me twenty pounds worth of mischief.
—
Upon this I was discharged.
I GAVE him to understand that i was quite entertained with his manner of telling his story, as it fell in with my notions, that of making remarks on life as I passed along, and begged him to proceed.
HE replied,
from what he could learn from his acquaintance who were in the service of others, that tradesmen, show their worst goods and oldest patterns first, particularly silk-mercers, linen and woollen-drapers, haberdashers, and the like; that they have particular lights in their shops to give them a false appearance; that they pretend to examine the goods narrowly, to make the buyer suppose they would not deceive him, ask more than the thing is worth to allow for abating, crib a little in the quantity or measure, and then reach their scales to weight the money they receive. In short, that there is not a trade or profession but what has its mysteries and arts of defrauding; that men open their shops, set out their goods every morning to impose upon their customers, and chearfully shut them up again at night, after having cheated all the day, like the woman who after talking all the scandal she can, wipes her mouth and says she has done no harm.
SINCE then,
continued he,
as whatever is, is right, and these men with whom I had lived were doing so well in the world by a little artifice and finesse, I was unhappy I could not strike out into some way of life myself that would raise me above the situation of a servant. However, thought I, as there is a tide in the fortune of all men, I will wait with patience. Something may turn up unexpectedly.
CHAP XII.
I PRESENTLY,
continued he,
got another place, which was to wait upon a young gentleman, who lived upon an allowance from his father. The old man, was a widower, had been very low bred, but was fortunately in the possession of a good estate, which he squandered away in a very extraordinary manner. He was immoderately fond of farming, and fancied he had a talent, which few men possessed, that of improving land to the highest degree of luxuriancy. He was of opinion, that, of all men, he who made two blades of grass grow, where only one grew before, was the most useful in society. Under this idea, he took farms in most parts of the kingdom, though he had not sufficient to stock them; he neither ploughed nor sowed, but laid down all the land he could in grass, and what he could not lay down properly, he suffered nature to lay down for him with scutch grass, thistles and docks. Though he was a sensible and shrewd man in other respects, he was a madman in farming, and would almost deprive himself of necessaries, to lay it out upon land, which yielded him little or no return. The finest crops of grass and clover he has suffered to rot on the ground; under a notion of feeding the land. Nay, he has been known to sow his grass lands with carrot and turnip seed, and on being asked his reason for it;
replied,
grass land could not be too full of seeds.
He has filled a barn with potatoes, washed and piled away at a great expence, and suffered them to stand there and grow through the thatch. I mention all this, to convince you there could be no harm in robbing such a man, for the sake of his son, whom he had brought up a gentleman, and whom, whilst possessing a large fortune, he would scarce allow sufficient to exist on. I really pitied my young master, who was an only child, from my heart, and used to plead his cause with the old gentleman often, but could seldom extort any thing from him. However, one day, when I had been about a year in the family, I contrived to get a little of his cash: he had just received a debt of four hundred pounds, and was coming into the room where I and my master were.—I gave my master the wink and he left us; and the old gentleman, having the bag in his hand, shut to the door; but did not see that I was in the room.
This is a strange age we live in,
said he to himself,
I know not what to make of it. Never was there a greater fondness for money, nor so much difficulty in getting one's own. Debts now-a-days, are like children, begot with pleasure, but brought forth with pain; however I have no need to complain, having just received four hundred pounds, that has been owing to me two years, and it will go a great way towards stocking Littlecot farm.—So, Mr. Rascal,
continues he, seeing me and hurrying the bag into his coat-pocket!—
Rascal, Sir!
returns I,
I am sure I dont deserve that name.
Yes, rascal,
says he,
you are the ruin of my son. You may tell him I am very angry with him.
With my master, Sir?
replies I,
Indeed, you are not the only one who complains of him; his conduct is grown so abominable of late, that it drives
me
beyond all patience.
Indeed!
says the old man,
why, I thought you and he were perfectly agreed.
Me, Sir?
returns I, affecting unhappiness at his son's conduct,
far from it; I preach to him too much, for that; I am sure, I am always putting him in mind of the duty he owes to you and to himself. Why, we are every moment at daggers drawing.—He can't bear I should tell him how ill he behaves to you.
And do you quarrel with him for this?
says he,
That I do, and pretty handsomely too,
returned I.
I have been under a great mistake then,
says he,
for I always understood that you encouraged him in his extravagance and disobedience.
Ah, Sir,
exclaimed I,
see how innocence is often slandered and oppressed! Sir, if I may be believed, was you to pay me for being his governor, I could not say more to him than I do, to make him behave more soberly and discreetly;
Sir,
says I to him very often,
in the name of goodness, don't be carried away thus with every wind that blows, observe a more prudent carriage, and consider the worthy gentleman your father, who is depriving himself of necessaries to save and get money for you.
The old man seemed to chuckle at this, and coming up to me, I made an attempt to pick his pocket of the bag; but not succeeding, I went on.
—
And no longer break his poor heart with your behaviour, but take up and live as he does with reputation and honour.
Here I made another attempt and succeeded.
Why, that was well said,
replied the old gentleman.
And what answer does he make?
Answer?
says I,
A pack of stuff that almost makes me mad; not, but to say the truth, he retains in his heart the seeds of honour and virtue, you have there sown. But, alas, his reason has no longer any power over him! However, Sir, I hope I shall be able to bring him over at last.
Do so, my good lad,
returns the old man, altering his voice to a softer tone than when he called me rascal,
Do, and you will find me your friend.—When you see him next—be sure you say as many fine things of me as you can?
Let me alone, Sir,
says I,
for that; I'll do the business, never fear.
At this he was going to quit the room; but returned as recollecting himself, with,
Lord, lord, how forgetful I am! I protest I was going away, without so much as thanking you for your good services. Stay.—I'll give thee something to remember me, and began to feel for his bag: frighted out of my wits, lest he should miss it, I caught hold of his hand, with Not a farthing, Sir. He, on the contrary, seeming determined to gratify men,
cried out,
I insist upon it; but I would not quit my hold; and declared he should not, saying I was not one of those selfish persons who act only from interest.
I know that,
says he,
but still
—
carrying his hand towards his pocket; but as I had not quitted him, I pulled it rather forcibly the other way and addressed him warmly, with
I must desire, Sir, you will desist; I am a man of honour and any farther offers of this nature will affront me.
At this he gave it up,
but suppose,
says he,
you was to carry my son a little present, perhaps, that may lead him to think you his friend?
By no means, Sir,
returned I,
still frightened lest he should miss his bag.
Keep your money. It will look too much like a bribe.—If I see occasion, I can but ask you.
Well then,
says he,
be it so.
—
But be sure ply him well, and leave no stone unturned to bring him over, and I shall ever value you,
At this he left the room, and me almost out of breath for fear. As soon as he was gone, I took fifty guineas out of the bag for myself, for I think I deserved it, and carried the rest to my young master, telling him how I got it. He seemed very thankful and gave me ten pieces for my cleverness; for, said he, he was sure it was no sin to take it from him, as it would otherwise have been thrown away upon a barren soil.
A few hours after, whilst my young master and I were together, the old gentleman joined us, and seemed to be in a very surly mood. What are you two laying your heads together about? —No good I warrant you.
And I hope, no harm Sir,
says his son.
That's more,
returns he,
than I know.
I'm sorry, says I, to see you so much out of humour, Sir.
Peace, rascal,
cries he,
or I'll lay my cane over you.— Sorrow's but poor comfort to a man that's lost his purse.
Have you
really
lost it?
Says my young master;
yes blockhead,
returns his father,
I have
really
lost it. —Have you found it?
I wish I had,
says the son.
The devil doubts you,
returns the father.
If you had, I should never see it again
Had it fallen into my master's hands,
says I,
I'll be answerable it would have been returned untouched.
Yes, yes,
replies he,
rogues are always ready to answer for one another. I wish you would answer for yourself; it was whilst I was listening to you, scoundrel, or soon after, that I lost it; it was picked out of my coat-pocket, or I must have pulled it out with my handkerchief.
Pulled it out with your handkerchief most likely Sir,
returned I:
what kind of purse was it?
That I suppose,
says he,
you would be glad to know; no, no; I have no other mark to claim it by.
On my telling him it might fall in my way to recover it for him, if he would describe it to me, he seemed to listen to me, and desired his son to leave us together. As soon as he was gone, he began to address me in softer terms, and said, his bastard's extravagant course of life, often put him out of humour, and led him to say things he did not wish to say.
Upon the whole,
says he,
my good fellow, I have secretly considered you as a faithful honest lad; and would a few hours ago, have given you a small testimony of my good opinion, but your confounded scruples, would not suffer me. I beg I may do it now.
At this he gave me a couple of guineas,
and, if you can,
says he,
by any means recover my money for me, I'll be a friend to you as long as I live.
You are sensible, Sir,
replied I,
if it is possible to be recovered, it cannot be done without great trouble and some expence. What reward are you willing to give the finder?
Hah? Reward?
says he, starting at the very idea,— suppose you offer a few guineas,— you may go as far as
five.
—
I asked him what was the sum he lost.
Four hundred pounds,
says he. And can you think cried I, of offering so
small
a reward? That would undo us quite, the meanness of the offer would prevent its being returned, in order to punish you.—Five, indeed, in hand, as a part of fifty more, if returned—nothing like generosity in these cases. Was it not a canvas bag: at the word
canvas,
he seemed transported, I thought he would have kissed me.
Yes, a
canvas
bag, I see, my dear fellow,
says he,
you do know something of it.
I told him, that I did hear such a bag was found by a poorish man, but little imagined it was his; so probably if this man could be found, what with persuasions, threats, promises, and good words, it might be recovered.
Nothing more likely,
says he,—
Do then, my good lad, set about it immediately, for no time should be lost.
—
But, Sir,
returned I, the search of this man wil be attended with some expence, and you know, Sir, I am not in a situation to give you credit.
Upon which he gave me three guineas.
Three guineas!
exclaimed I,
what is three guineas? I can't think of looking mean in this affair, purely for your sake,
this drew from him two pieces more; then
Sir, there's drink-money, that got another guinea,—messengers to one place—this a guinea more —dispatches to another—Bribes to one—hush-money to another.
S'death, says the old man,
who gave me more and more for every purpose;
I'll give no more unless its brought me:
but, Sir, says I, you forget the five pieces as a reward in hand.
Zounds,
says he, at this rate, you'll pick my pocket of every guinea I have.
—
Well, having got about twenty guineas from him, I promised him to do my best; but on my leaving him, he directed me to count the money and see the gold was all weight, and that none of it was changed.
I ASKED him if he returned the bag of money.
Not a shilling,
says he.
The fifty I took, I had too many uses for, and the remainder, which I gave my young master, I believe, did not continue with him long enough even to know how much he had. He never counted his money; he judged of the quantity only by the time if lasted.
CHAP. XIII.
WITH this fifty pounds I determined to set up for myself, accordingly I quitted my place, and hearing of an orphan young lady of seventeen years of age, who was heiress to a fortune of six thousand a year, one thousand of which she enjoyed durher minority, and who lived with an aunt at the west end of the town; I determined to make a bold push, and try if I could not carry her; with this view I equipped myself with a suit or two of genteel cloaths, and passed for a gentleman. Having found out the house where she lived, I frequently walked under the window, with the hopes of seeing her, and, at last I saw one whom I took to be her, and she was as pretty, as she was rich. My next step was, if possible, to get access to her. For this purpose, I went to a public-house in the neighbourhood, addressed myself to a chairman I there found, and made many enquiries respecting the family, particularly where they visited, and where they resided in the country: all this I learnt; this done, I contrived to get to the ear of some of the servants, which I likewise effected. The chairman to whom I first applied, told me, that the footman and coachman used that house, and were generally there in an evening between tea-time and supper. At this hour I went, and was introduced to them. I took the footman apart, gave him to understand I was a gentleman and a man of family and fortune; that accident had thrown me into the way of his young mistress and I wished to be better acquainted with her; and if he would assist me in so doing, I would endeavour to be his friend, and as an earnest of that friendship I tipped him half a guinea: he promised me all the assistance in his power, and told me, that both she and her aunt were to be at the play the next day, having a couple of box tickets for a benefit. This intelligence was every thing I could wish. I was at the theatre the same night, procured admission into the same box, and had the happiness to be particularly noticed by her; for I set close by her side. When the play was over, I handed her to her carriage, and politely took my leave. The day following, I found out the footman again, and made enquiries respecting the lady's maid. He assured me, she was an open-hearted girl, and did not doubt, but she would favour my views. I wished very much to see her; and he promised to ask her to give me a meeting. An opportunity soon occurred for that purpose; the footman brought me word the next day, that his young mistress and her aunt, went out an airing every morning about twelve, and that if I would go to the house in their absence, he had made their porter acquainted with my wishes, and he would let Miss's maid know when I was there. I took the first opportunity of going, and saw the coach drive from the door. A tete-a-tete soon took place between me and the maid, whom I made also my friend by a present of five guineas. She promised to plead my cause with her young mistress, and did it effectually. An interview was appointed, and I was to meet her in Kensington Gardens. On the day fixed, she promised to be there with her maid, who, on my coming up, retired. I had now an opportunity of pressing my suit, and I did it with as much warmth, as if I had been really in love. I told her a thousand lies so passionately, that the poor little credulous thing believed them all, and at parting promised to meet me again the first opportunity. The ice being now broken, through the means of this servant, we carried on a correspondence for near a month, when I was given to understand, that the family was retiring to their seat in Hampshire."
THIS business was expensive, but thinking myself sure of my prize, I obtained goods upon credit, and pawned them as soon as delivered; by this means, I was enabled to keep up appearances. I followed Miss into the country, where under a pretence of taking a walk, I had frequent opportunities of being with her, unnoticed by her aunt. The servants I took care to keep in my interest. She agreed at last to give me her hand, and it was proposed that we should set off for Scotland, and that her maid should accompany us. Having thus brought things to a crisis; and finding she was possessed of some very valuable diamonds, I advised her by all means to take those with her, as she could not think of returning home, and it was impossible to make a proper appearance without them: she acquiesced with this proposal, and the day was fixed for her elopement; but as the devil would have it, and accident happened that overthrew all I had been about.
THERE being at the house I was at, an evening club, where the neighbours used to meet, smoke their pipes and fettle the affairs of administration; having been admitted among them, I passed my time rather agreeably than otherwise. One of the party was an elderly tradesman, lately married to a smart young woman, whom I had once or twice seen, and was much taken with; but he was so much under petticoat government, that she used to fetch him home at night at a regular hour. He had been often rallied on this head, and was so greatly ashamed of it, that, under a promise not to stay longer than eleven, she agreed to go to bed before him. Like other babblers, who often lay open their own affairs unasked, and frequently to their prejudice; he gave us to understand, she was too jealous to suffer the maid to fit up for him, and that as the door would not unlock on the outside, it was left upon the latch. On being asked whether she left a light.
A light?
Says he,
no.—Our house is not so large, but I can find my way up into my room without a light; we lay but on the one pair of stairs, over the shop.
I was determined he should one day pay dear for this communication, and concerted it with the rest of the company, to keep him from home beyond his usual hour, to see whether his wife would come the next night to fetch him. Accordingly, in the course of conversation, talking of the uxoriousness of husbands, I put my gentleman upon the metal, and offered to lay him a bet of two guineas, that he durst not stay out that night till half after twelve. From an opinion that his wife would be asleep, and not know the hour of his return, he took the bet, and when the clock struck eleven, was exceeding good company. About twenty minutes after, I took a French leave, went over to his house, lifted the latch, and without much difficulty, found my way into the chamber over the shop. All was quiet, and the fair one asleep. Having undressed myself at the stair head without the door, I stole into the room, and the reader may suppose I was not long before I was between the sheets. I had but little time, and was determined to make the best use of it. She soon waked and spoke to me, but found me not disposed to answer. However, whether she was able in the dark, to distinguish between her husband and me, or any way discovered the cheat, I know not; but this I know, she was as kind to me as I could wish.—When I found her composed, I began to retire, but she soon missed me from the bed, and hearing me fumbling at the door, and I not answering her when she spoke, suspecting I suppose, some trick had been played her, she rose with great anger, seized me by the arm before I could get away, alarmed the house, and I was unfortunately discovered. I was however, suffered to dress myself and return to my quarters.
THIS affair made a great noise in the village, and presently reached the mansion. The young lady I was to accompany to Scotland, took offence at my conduct; and I could never get to see her again. Other reasons might co-operate against me, but I could not learn what they were. I wrote one or two letters to her, but all to no purpose. The family presently left the country, and I heard of her no more: it was a
fortunate
event for her, but a d—n'd
unlucky
one for me.
The injured husband determined to prosecute me for violating the honour of hs wife; but the lawyers could not well advise him how to proceed. Some proposed indicting me capitally for
Burglary;
lifting a latch and entering a dwelling house by night, if done with a felonious intent, being a species of that crime; but as the wife was consenting to the act it could not be
felony,
of course, not burglary. The same argument prevented its being deemed a
rape.
Others were for indicting me for
grand larcency
or
stealing privately from the person;
but what did I steal? Nothing but her consent. This not being any thing that could in fact be carried away, the idea of proceeding on that statute fell to the ground.
Actions of trespass, seduction,
&c. were then proposed; but the whole centered at last in a prosecution for
crim. con.
BUT this being more than I could stand, I thought it better to decamp; and wishing, as you did, to hide myself for a while, I made a proposal to this company to join them, and they admitted me among them.
IN this savage state, though I could boast of few indulgencies, the life I led was orderly, and free from embarrassments. There was a strict discipline kept up among us, and a dread of being impeached kept the unruly in awe; for had an information been laid by any individual of the gang against his comrades, the neighbouring magistrates would never have noticed it; whereas an impeachment by the whole gang of any individual, would have been sufficient to have called out a warrant against him; so much was our company considered as a necessary evil. At our general meetings, each of us, by turns, was the cook for the day, till the last year of my time, when we took in three young women among us, one of whom, by the general voice, as ruler, was to be sacred to me, and the other two were in common among us all. They all proved pregnant before I quitted the company, and though I did not continue long enough to see how they got over the difficulty, I understood they meant either to drop their bastards in some distant parish, lay them at the doors of some gentlemen's houses, or swear them to persons that had been their common disturbers. However, as I doubted the fidelity of
my
lady, I was not very uneasy about what became of her burthen. An event happened that determined me to quit the connexion, and when it took place I left my right in her to my successor.
INFORMATION had been given us, that in a part of the forest, concealed under ground, a body of smugglers had stowed a considerable quantity of brandy and other things; we found it out, and the booty consisted of 300 anchors of brandy, 200 half anchors of gin, and 25 bags of tea, containing 50 lb. each. This being lodged at a neighbouring custom house, it was condemned and solf, and our part of the money amounted to 540 l. which, shared among eighteen was 30l. a man: thinking I should never meet with a better opportunity of equipping myself for a more respectable employ, when in possession of the cash, I took a French leave of my companions, and never have heard any thing of them since.
It was in the summer time when I quitted the forest, and the first place I retired to was Lymington, where I staid long enough to get myself new dressed. It is almost inconceivable to think how I laboured to reconcile my past conduct with what is equitable and right. I have often thought, that it is with diffioulty that men who have been brought up religiously, and with liberal notions, fall away from an honest course of life; I felt myself hurt at that I was just emerged from, and endeavoured to convince myself, that I was not so bad, as the world may suppose me, from the account I have here given. I began with reflecting, that fear had driven me from one society, and that like a hunted animal I took shelter in the first place that offered: that I no sooner became a member of the company I have described, but I laboured to reclaim them, and flatter myself that I in a great measure succeeded; from villains of the first denomination, I reduced them to scoundrels of the second, made them rather serviceable to the community than otherwise, and had they followed the example I pointed out by my own conduct, they might have separated and become honest men: I considered that unlike bad statesmen, bad citizens of every class, who are a scourge to all men, we only were a scourge to the obnoxious; and that if the necessities of a state can authorize and render eqitable the general plunder of our enemy, both by sea and land, we did no more, though in a narrower scale; we plundered only the enemies of the Customs, of the fair dealer, and of society. In a word, if I acted wrong, or an unequitable part in life, I took the first opportunity to relinquish it, and I wish every one could lay their hand upon their heart and say the same.
I will finish this chapter with a striking anecdote on the subject. A merchant of London was stopped on the highway by a man whom he soon discovered to have been once his servant. Instead of delivering his purse as he was ordered, he began to reason with the robber.
Good God, Thomas, could I have supposed that you woudl have taken to this course of life;
you
whom I always imagined strictly honest?
—
Come, come, sir,
replied the highwayman,
bad an I am, I'm as honest as you. Have not you employed your whole thoughts, time and fortune in fitting and sending out privateers to plunder the French, and other countries: and what is this but robbing on the high way?
—
As different,
says the merchant,
as Light and day, for we have declared
war
against the French.
If that be all the distinction,
retorts the robber;
I have declared war against all mankind.—Therefore give me your money, or by God I'll blow your brains out.
—The only difference between you and me, said a pirate to Alexander the Great, who upbraided him with piracy, is, that I commit hostilities with a single
ships,
you with a whole
fleet.
CHAP XIV.
IN this great length of time, it may naturally be expected, that I should have thought something of Miss Wildman, and have been anxious to have known the determination of the jury, respecting the death of the man I shot, if I really
had
killed him; but, as in the course of the last chapter, I was unwilling to interrupt my narrative, I will tell the reader now, that scarce a day passed, but she was uppermost in my thoughts; her ring had never been off my finger, and I often kissed it with fervency, with the pleasing remembrance of the donor, and the animated huopes of calling her, one day, mine. Being out of the way of all information, and never having seen a newspaper, I was totally in the dark respecting the tranfaction that occasioned my flight. In no public-house could I find papers so far back, and I was afraid to make any enquiry. Being now, however, in the world again, I though proper to write to her, to let her knwo I was alive. The following is a copy of what I wrote.
MY DEAR MISS WILDMAN,
I am still in the land of the living, in good health, and in as good spiritis, as so long an absence from you will admit of; your ring, that pledge of your constancy, has never been off my finger; of course, you have never been out of my mind. A fear of embarrassments, in consequence of the event, on the evening of the day I last saw you, drove me from London, and indeed has so far driven me from the world, that I am totally, ignorant of its result; and of course, it keeps me still at a distance from you. I would be more particular in this letter, was I sure it would fall into no other hands but yours; but, till I am convinced of this, expect nothing from me, but an assurance of the continuance of that affection, I have so many times professed.
The invincible and invariable attachment of your G—
Berkley-square, London.
P. S. Direct to A. B. C. at the Post-house at Salisbury.—I want for nothing. TO MISS WILDMAN, G. WILDMAN'S, ESQ
I WENT over to Southampton purposely to put this letter into the post; and a fortnight after, when I had reason to expect an answer, I sent frequently to Salisbury to enquire for any letter so addressed, and was every time disappointed; so that I concluded, it must either have been intercepted, or that she had proved unfaithful; the last I was unwilling to suppose, but till I had an opportunity of making some enquiries, I gave up the idea of writing again.
HAVING dressed myself anew, and my hair being grown to its usual length; I called myself
Henry Savage,
alluding to the life I had lately led, and was ready again for any employ I could procure. On my informing the taylor who made my cloaths, that I wished for a place; he told me, that Dr. Bolus, a physician at Salisbury, wanted a servant, and that he thought I should suit him. I accordingly, with the taylor's recommendation, applied to this gentleman, and was taken into his family as a footman. This master of mine, this son of Esculapius, had not been regularly bred as a physician, but served his time as an apothecary in the north of England. Having, however, failed as a dispenser of drugs, and finding an opening in this city, by the death of Dr.
Kill'em,
who had practiced here thirty years; he writes down to a friend at Glasgow, with a remittance of twenty guineas; and a diploma, for destroying mankind
secundum artem
was immediately dispatched by the stage coach. With this faculty of poisoning his Majesty's liege subjects, he sets up for a physician at Salisbury, and endeavoured to acquire practice, not by any medical abilities, but by art and finessed. All this I gathered before I had been with him a fortnight. He was a little man, about fifty years of age; wore a pair of square-toed shoes, his stockings rolled over his knees, a full trimmed coat with long skirts, and a full bottomed wig that reached to his rump; so different was he accoutred from the physicians of the present age, that you would suppose him to have risen from the tombs. In short, he was no
body,
for he was all wig and skirts, and in fact such a piece of affectation, that I wondered any one employed him. But, he had withal a great deal of worldly cunning: and, in a communicative mood, one day told me, physic was a farce, and that it was astonishing the people were so taken in by it; that nature always did best when left to herself, and that a patient must be very ad indeed, to be in danger of dying, except when a physician is called in; that there are but three or four principal medicines in the whole
materia medica
of any real efficacy, and whose virtue almost every old woman is acquainted with; that a good tongue is of more use to a man in this profession, than all the learning of the hospitals; that illness, in general, so affect the spirits, that a sick person may be almost persuaded to any thing, and that if a man knows but the art of concealing his ignorance, he may pass for one of the first rate abilities.
Often have I given in fevers,
says he,
too strong a cathartic potion for the constitution of my patient, so as to excoriate his bowels and make him void blood; and having afterwards brought him round again by emollients, he has attributed his cure to such supernatural avoidance, when in fact it has gone near to kill him; and from the same reasoning, I often dread, that when I treat a disorder right, where it fails of success, I may be censured for my conduct; for, as when I have acted wrong, an ignorant patient has supposed it right; I may be conceived to have proceeded ill, when in fact I have done the best.
WHAT all the world says must be true,
is an old proverb, and the general opinion of practitioners in physic concurring in this point, is a corroboration of the fact. The following circumstance did not a little strengthen me in this conceit. Having been sent to a neighbouring apothecary for a medicine that had been ordered; the master, who had left his boy in the shop to make it up, coming out of a back room, and going behind the counter to see if it was finished, flew in a violent passion, and gave the boy a box on the ear, with
you young rascal, I knew this would be the case;
then addressing himself to me:
I told the scoundrel to make up a
vomit,
and he has made up a
purge:
and on my observing, that had the one been sent and administered instead of the other, the consequences might have been fatal;—he answered coolly,
oh, no, not so much for that,—the woman it's for, was to have been purged in the morning, and whether she is purged to night and vomited tomorrow; or vomited to night and purged to-morrow, is very immaterial;—I am only angry that the blockhead should not have followed my directions.
THE reader may wonder how I came to be so great a favourite, as to be let into the secrets of this profession; but he must know that my master had penetration enough to discern, in a very little time, that I had received a much better education than himself, and that I might be of great use to him: with this view, he took me into his confidence, and one day asked me, if I thought I could compile him a treatise on nervous fevers? I told him, that my medical knowledge was but little; but, that if he would put into my hands two or three books upon the subject, I was very sure, that by twisting them and blending them together, I could, as apothecaries do their drugs, make up a new composition, so different from the original materials, that it should neither have the colour, the taste, or the consistency of either, and yet should possess the inherent properties of them all.—I did this for him, he put his own name to it and published it; and I have the vanity to think, that he acquired no small degree of reputation from it.
I wore a livery notwithstanding; for, as he could not afford to keep more than one man servant, and as a livery was a necessary appendage to a physician, I was obliged to wear that livery. Many a one of this profession has found it necessary to keep a chariot, who could not afford a joint of meat at his table. An equipage implies wealth; wealth is the consequence of extensive practice, and extensive practice must denote great medical knowledge;
therefore,
according to the rules of logic, an equipage denotes great medical knowledge and is, of course, an essential appendage to the character of a physician.
ANOTHER artifice my master made use of to give him consequence in the town, was to be a member of the evening clubs, and my instructions were, before he had been twenty minutes at any one of them, to send for him out, with,
such a lady is taken suddenly ill, and he must make all the haste he can to be with her.
He would apologize to his company for leaving them, explaining the necessity, and from this club he would go to another, where in twenty minutes more, I would call him away with a similar tale, and he would then go to a third and so on; and as I took care to want him for some person of consequence; it did him much credit in the opinion of his acquaintance, and helped him on considerably in his practice. Many a time have I run into church panting for breath, during the middle of service, upon the same errand; and brought him from his knees in his most
fervent
devotions.
MY master found it necessary also to play into the hands of the apothecaries; they are always like the attornies to the counsellors, very good friends to the physicians. They have it in their power frequently to recommend whom they please, and when they have brought a patient pretty near to death's door, they are willing to transfer the honour of killing him to a more able practioner; they will then advise a physician to be called in, and in this case, generally recommend those, who study most the interest of the apothecary. 'Tis on this account, a physician prescribes freely and profusely, and drenches the poor patient so immoderately, as if he meant to wash away the evil spirit by a deluge of mixtures: so again, instead of ordering an emulsion, for example, in a pint bottle and two spoonfuls to be taken every three hours, for which at most the apothecary can charge but two shillings, the doctor orders the same quantity in draughts, which will make eight, and at one shilling each will pay the apothecary eight shillings instead of two.
BY these and such like means, in a very few months, he had more business then he could attend to, and proposed to me to visit his poorer patients, for which I should have half the fees. It will readily be supposed that I accepted the offer, and with the idea of studying under him, and calling in his assistance if necessary, I had a great deal of employ. I learned his method of practice, which was mostly to attend to nature, and assist her where it could be done. If a patient was inclined to sweat, we sweated him; if to purge, we purged him; if to vomit, we vomited him, and so on; and if, by encreasing these evacuations too much, we sometimes sent one out of the world; yet, upon the whole, we saved a great many; and for those whom we unfortunately lost, we always found a friend on our side; for there is seldom a person dies that is so illbeloved, but there is some one belonging to him, that rejoices at his death, and is obliged to the physician for sending him out of a troublesome world: besides, it is a physician's best comfort, that the dead cannot prosecute.
I HAD a suit of cloaths made up for the purpose, which I occasionally put on; at other times, I appeared in livery; but, as my medical dress made a great alteration in my appearance, the deception was never discovered; especially as I took care to put on a formal voice, with my formal dress.
NOTWITHSTANDING that thus I put a great deal of money in my pocket, I must own I had now and then my moments of remorse: I was hurling about me firebrands, arrows and death; and on my intimating my scruples one day to my master, he rallied me out of them, with the following reasoning. "Physicians," says he
have been long held as useful members to society, and if he who destroys but five men in a community, does less injury to the state, than he who destroys ten; then, he who destroys but five, is the most praise-worthy of the two: now, as it is universally allowed that
physicians
do take away more lives than they save, and
we
save more than we take away, it follows that we are the better men, and the more useful members of the state.
Though this argument would have admitted of debate, yet as few care to reason against their own interest, I submitted to my master's superior judgment, and continued my practice for a considerable time.
I WAS always very particular as to the state of those patients I attended; and, if I could do not good, I was as careful, as I could be, to do no harm. Though I knew little of pulses, like other physicans, I went through all the parade, counted each stroke with attention, and generally quitted the wrist with a significant nod of self-approbation. Sick persons are generally frightened and seek for advice, when advice is not necessary; such I would amuse with a gilded pill made up of only common dough, or a saline draught, which, if they did no good, would do no harm; they would at least leave the disorder to itself, and give the patient a chance of recovery; whereas others will by medicines throw back their patients, in order to lengthen their attendance and encrease their fees: and I take merit to myself in this mode of practice, and am bold to say, was it more general, there would be a great decrease in the burials of this kingdom.
IT is allowed by sensible and dispassionate men, that the modern practice of physic is a farce—a far greater number are destroyed by it than saved.
I thought, doctor, you was out of town,
said a man to his physician,
by the decrease of deaths in the last week's bills of mortality.
Who enjoy a better state of health in general, than the poor, who cannot fee a physician, or make it worth the apothecary's while to keep them long in hand? And could a fair comparison be made, between the number of poor and rich that annually pay the debt of nature, it would certainly be found, that length of life is three to one in favour of the poor; notwithstanding the labour; the hardships, and the risks they are exposed to. Temperance is their physician, and exercise their nurse; and with an extra length of life, they enjoy whilst they live, a greater degree of health.
HOWEVER Dr. Cadogan's doctrine may be exploded, I dare assert (and I speak it from experience and observation) that intemperance destroys more than the sword, even in time of war. I mean intemperance in eating rather than in drinking. We arraign the conduct of those who drink to excess, and perhaps, because we see its ill effects, whilst we take little or no notice of those who eat to a like excess; whereas in fact the glutton is a more sordid wretch than the drunkard; and though intemperance in eating is not attended with that outward unseemliness which accompanies excess of drinking, yet, the former incapacitates the man as much for business and devotion, as the latter. Conviviality, chearfulness, spirits, cordial warmth, may be excuses for drinking more than ordinary, and if it intoxicates for a time, it corrects many disorders brought on from accident, inattention to diet and other things, such as flatulencies, crudities, &c. whereas immoderate eating, is attended with inactivity, heaviness, stupor, and lethargy; not to mention the variety of disorders it gives birth to, when we little expect it. Medical men, frequently prescrible wine and cordials, which is excess drinking, asd restoratives; but, I believe, no one ever thought of advising a patient to over eat himself. In short, gluttony is equally a sin with drunkness; yet though there are more gluttons than drunkards, we seldom heart of man's being censured for the former.
Feasting is now become a study, and through the whole process, we proceed methodically and with attention. It having been found that when the spirits are up, we generally eat most
The stomach is surrounded with a plexus of nerves, so that whatever affects the mind, is presently communicated to the stomach. I have known a piece of ill news brought at dinner-time, entirely take away the appetite of the person it was brought to: so on the other hand, whatever tends to exhilerate the spirits, adds to the appetice. Hence the introduction of musick at feasts, and the custom of eating in company, provocatives that end to often in the destruction of the constitution.
; care is taken to keep the spirits up, by company, by wine, by music; and when by these stimulants, we have almost eaten ourselves into a ferver; coffee is introduced by way of sedative or quieter of the system. Soon after tea is brought forward, and lest the tea should prey upon the nerves of the unstrung, we have a rectifier for this.
Maraschino
or some other strong cordial is handed round, and thus the ill effect of some things we eat is qualified or corrected by others. But to resume my narrative.
WOULD men determine with themselves to be as cautious in eating as they are in drinking; that is, rise from table before they are to full, their intellects would be clear, their bodies active, and they would enjoy much better health than they do. Were we to eat only half the quantity we are accustomed to, in a few years, remedies for the gout, cachexy, inflammation, and the long train of disorders arsing from indigestion, would be banished from our dispensaries, and men would live longer by ten or fifteen years. It is almost incredible to think, how little will satisfy us. Lewis Cornaro, the Spaniard, lived one hundred and twenty years, and for the last sixty years of his life, an egg served him for three meals: but he drank a pint of small wine every day. This man, from abftemiousness in eating, was as active at ninety, as the generality of men are at forty. In short, rise from table with an appetite; never eat a thing that disagrees with you, or causes heartburn; drink moderately, exercise freely; rise early, and go to bed early, and you may
give physic to the dogs.
WHILST I was in this town I fortunately met with a file of newspapers, three or four years back, and searching for the occurrences of the time, when I had lived with Mr. Wildman, I discovered this paragraph.
The day before yesterday the following accident happened in Berkley Square. Some villains disguised as chairmen, armed with deadly weapons, having, at the instance of a man of fashion, waylaid a gentleman's valet, with a view either of kindnapping him, or putting him to death, were fired at by the person they attempted to seize, and one of them was killed on the spot; the jury sat upon the body and bought in their verdict,
se desendendo;
or, that the person was killed in the self-defence. The gentleman's porter was supposed to be a party concerned, and was committed to Tothilfields prison.
This gave me a satisfaction I knew not how to express; it relieved me from any danger I might dread from the event, and determined me to resume the name I had taken up on leaving my native place; but, as I was known in my great wig at Salisbury, by the name of Dr. Savage, I thought proper to go by that name, whilst I there continued. Many an enquiry did I make at the Post-Office, in hopes of one day receiving an answer from Miss Wildman; but all to no purpose; and as I met with no one that knew any thing of the family, I was still in a state of suspence.
WHILST I was in the service of Dr. Bolus, which was upwards of two years, I became acquainted with the manager of a strolling company, and from the account of the pleasant way of life they led, and the encouragement I met with from this man to join them, I was induced to try my abilities upon the stage; and I was the more readily drawn into this attempt, from an unwillingness to commit any more murder.
INDEED, the following circumstance turned the laugh so much against me, that I determined from that hour to quit the profession. A gentleman in the neighbourhood, on having a ignorant servant, throught proper to give him the following directions.
It is an unpleasant thing,
says, he,
to be always directing. Every servant should anticipate his master's wants, and not suffer him to call for things that he knows are necessary. If he is to shave, he should not only bring the razors and the bason, but the towel, the soap, and all the
et-caeteras;
if laying the cloth, he should not forget the plates, the knives, the spoons, and all the decoraments of the table; if waiting at table, he should know with what mustard is eaten, with what, oil; with what, vinegar, pepper, and so on, and not suffer it to be asked for, but hand it round in time. In short, in whatever he is employed, he should always remember and prepare the
consequences.
The servant listened with attention, and promised to obey his orders. This fellow had not been long in the house, before his master was taken ill, and he was sent to call me to attend him. Remembering the directions he had received, he not only fetched me, but also the apothecary, the nurse, the undertaker, and the grave-digger; and on his master's asking the reason of it, replied,
The apothecary, Sir, is the consequence of the physician, at least, such a physician as Dr. Savage; the nurse, of the apothecary; the undertaker, of the nurse; and the grave-digger is the natural consequence of the whole; and as you enjoined me never to forget, but prepare the
consequences,
I have brought them all.
—This story got abroad, very much to our disadvantage, and as the profession I followed, was a service of lying and deception, I hated myself on account of it.
THE conduct of the college of physicians, hath as much hurt the credit of the profession as any thing in life; because, they are authorized by an act of parliament to discountenance any pretenders to physic, and admit none to practise, but such as have been regularly bred, and of course are supposed able to pass a good examination, they take the liberty to call upon all those who are not members of our two English universities, to take out a licence for the practice of physic. The expence of this licence is about eighty pounds, and the qualification required is a sufficiency of medical knowledge, ascertained by the candidate's passing an examination. No enquiry is made into the professional abilities of those who have taken a degree at Oxford or Cambridge, though of all blockheads these places turn out the most in number; but their enquiries seem directed against the students of the Dutch and Scotch seminaries, as if Leyden and Edinburgh had not given birth to as many able men, as Oxford and Cambridge. The institution is a good one, but may be abused; the health of the people ought to be the principal object of the society, and not their own interest; but when it is known that the late Dr. Rock of famous memory was a licentiate of the College of Physicians, it will be thought of little consequence from whom the application comes, so that the eighty pounds are brought to discharge the fees. It may be. Dr.
Rock
or Dr.
Last
A shoe-maker so called in one of Foote's farces.
A very learned friend of mine, a physician, whose medical abilities do honour to the profession, but bred at Leyden, having been some time since called on by the College to take out a licence, on pain of being forbidden to act, spurned the very idea of
purchasing
such a licence, and sent the College word, that he was willing to submit to any examination they pleased to impose, and the more rigorous it was, the more agreeable it would be to him; and that if they did not find upon enquiry, that he had more medical knowledge than half the College put together, then he would submit to their mandate, not to practise; but as to
paying
for their licence, (which he was not ambitious to receive), either eighty pounds or eighty pence, he would do neither; convinced, that the legislature, in investing them with that authority, meant only to protect the health of the people, and not fill the pockets of individuals. This spirited declaration had its effect; they dared not to call him forth to such an examination, and I believe he stands alone, a practising physician in London, unlicenced by the College.
THAT they are a useless body of men combined, I apprehend is universally allowed; the following fact will bear me out in the assertion. A gentleman who had the honour to be physician to the late King, calling accidentally on a city friend, and enquiring after the family, was told, the mistress of the house was just brought to bed of a dead child. Having but an indifferent opinion of men-midwives, to which the family was partial, he begged the father of the child to let him see the infant, and from what he saw, he was desirous of seeing the surgeon that laid her, being convinced it had been destroyed in the birth. The man-midwife was sent for, and on being privately asked, how he came to commit so horrid a deed; his answer was,
He did at it the earnest request of the father.
This piece of intelligence the Doctor communicated to a female friend, a midwife who attended the royal family, and who, in hopes of checking such acts in future, commissioned him, to represent this story, among others equally atrocious, to the college of physicians, and to offer the sum of one thousand pounds to that society, in order to found a course of lectures on midwifery, to be annually read to female practitioners, provided they would patronise it: but, the college refused it; and, for this inattention to the lives and health of the public at large, they were severely handled by the same physician, in a pamphlet, he soon after published, entitled,
A petition of the unborn babes of England, to the censors of the college of physicians.
FROM all these circumstances so prejudical to the character of the medical profession, and from the despicable opinion I entertained of it, I was determined to withdraw myself from it; to throw off my great wig and live in future by the
inside
of my head. I did not, however, acquaint my master with my reasons, but left him under a pretence of bettering my situation.
CHAP XV.
THE company I was to join was not the best equipped in the world; the manager had met with misfortunes. In removing from Winchester to Salisbury, the waggon conveying his wardrobe, scenery, &c. took fire from the dryness of the axle-trees, and destroyed his whole
property.
Property,
in stage language, implies all the apparatus of the theatre.
and since this disaster, he had not been able to refit as before. He has come over to Salisbury for a piece of water, a clound or two, and a few odd things, and was upon his return to Winchester when he engaged me. He would have had me have made my appearance in tragedy; but, as farce was my forte, and as a player generally acquits himself best, in a part to which he has been accustomed, I determined to come out in the
Mock Doctor,
and as the character I had played of Dr. Savage, had furnished me with a dress, and his wardrobe was small, he the more readily consented. I soon made myself master of the part, and wished only for an opporunity of shewing him what I could do. But the time was not come; for, though we had got to Winchester, which was to be our scene of action, the company had not met.
IN the interim we had a great deal to do; we had not only our theatre to get ready, and sundry matters belonging to it to prepare, but we had an application to make to the mayor for leave to perform; and as he was a strange kind of man, our manager requested
I
would wait upon him for the purpose. He was an oilman by trade, as big round as one of his butts, had been exceedingly low bred, and was very proud of his office. When I entered his shop, he was serving a woman with a penny-worth of pickles, and was wrist-deep in the jar. On my telling him,
I waited on him as mayor of the town;
—he put his dirty hand to my mouth, with a
Hold friend, not a word till I'm in the Justice-room;
so saying, having taken the money for his pickles, and wiped his hand on a filthy apron he had before him, he waddled into a back room, and desired me to follow him. When we were got into this place, which was something like a counting-house, I began afresh:
I have taken the liberty, Sir,
—but he again interrupted me with,
Why friend, you're in a plaguy hurry. —Let me get into my great chair first.
—I begged his worship's pardon, submitted to etiquette, and when he was fairly enthroned, I told him my business; that I was one of a company of players, just arrived at Winchester, and that as I understood he was mayor of the Corporation, I waited on him, to request his leave to perform. "Hark'ee, young man," says he, in a bellowing voice,
though we civil Magistrates are mortal enemies to any thing that looks like an armed force; I'd rather dye'see, see a parcel of soldiers come into the town, than a parcel of playmen, to pick our pockets, and corrupt our wives and daughters,
—at the mention of these last words, his wife, who had been listening at the door, bolted into the room, and
asked what business he was upon, that occasioned him to mention her.
His worship immediately softened: his tone, and replied,
Nothing, my dear, that concerns your; it is only a parcel of playmen that want to play their rig in the town, and I wont' let 'em.
Not
let
'em, Mr. Girkin!
retorts she,
and what's the matter you
won't
let 'em? If you want to be
poplar
you
will
let 'em, and there's nothing like being
poplar,
while one keeps shop
But,
do you know, my dear,
returns his worship,
what a world o'harm these player-volks
does?
A f—t of the harm,
says she,
what's that to
us?
—It will keep families up late, and we shall sell more candles, and oil on that account.
Why, —aye, to be sure,
replies the mayor,
the
is
something in that.
—
What's the hour, Mr. Playerman, you mean to show away?
—About half after six, I told him, and end about half after ten. "No," says he,
that's too soon, shops are scarce shut by that time; make it
seven
and you shall have my consent; for the business of the day
must
be over, before I can suffer any may-games to take place.
I told his worship we would obey his directions; and turning round to thank Mrs. Girkin for her seasonable interference; she gently slapped me on the shoulder, wished us success, and told me, if we played Alexander the Great the first night, she would certainly be there, for she loved Alexander to her life—he was such a
proper
man. As I was going out at the door, his worship bawled out,—
Remember we sell oil and candles.
HAVING obtained permission to open our house, our next business was to find one to open; for since our manager's misfortune, a fresh company had taken possession of the town, and though these were playing at Southampton, it was not clear that we could have the use of their theatre. On enquiry we found it as we expected, and had another place to prepare. This business delayed us some time, but it gave me an opportunity of learning a part or two to begin with, Alexander the Great exceeding the strength of our forces; for, when we mustered them on paper, we could not make a greater number, men, women, and children, than fifteen. It was settled, therefore, that the first piece got up should be
Othello,
or
the Moor of Venice,
and that I should take the part of the Moor. Having a tolerable good memory, I became perfect in it sooner than I expected, and our company dropped into town from different parts pretty nearly together. But our principal heroine had not made her appearance yet. Our manager told me, she belonged to a company in Buckinghamshire, and that he had some difficulty to engage her; however, he had happily succeeded and she would be his chief strength; for she was a very pretty woman and a good player both in tragedy and comedy, and had a very sweet pipe. She was to be my Desdemona.
WE soon procured a tolerable room and sufficiently large. It had been a carpenter's workshop, and was quickly fitted up for our purpose. As this lady sent us word that she could not join us till the week after we had proposed to open, we determined to commence without her, of course I had only to play in the after-piece, and had time to get up two or three more parts. As I was a new performer, it was proposed by our manager, that on the nights I and this new woman performed, the profits of the house should be divided into three parts, of which each of us should have one. This was a spur to my industry, and I was desirous to get up as many characters as I could. Among the rest were Romeo, Hamlet, Marplot, Archer, Benedict, and Bobadil.
THE entertainments given out for the first night were,
the Journey to London,
and the
Mock Doctor;
and though we designed to begin at seven, in compliment to the mayor, the house did not fill till near eight; and such was our misfortune, that we were obliged to study his worship's interest more than we intended, for we could not begin till the house was pretty nearly full, and sufficient money was taken at the door, to release our wardrobe from pawn. This circumstance I was not made acquainted with, till the house was opened. However, good luck stood our friend, we took eleven pounds presently, and that did the business. The cloaths were brought in, and as our heads and legs were ready dressed, we had only to slip on the remainder. I was not in that predicament myself, being dressed in the character of Dr. Savage; yet I felt for the embarrassment of my friend the manager, and rejoiced with him at his delivery.
THE first night went off pretty well, no accident happening, but a piece of candle falling into the bushy part of Sir Francis's wig, which set fire to it; and Miss Jenny being almost pressed to death by Count Basset, who was beat down flat upon her, by the fall of a house, owing to the carelessness of one of the scene-shifters. The consequences, however, were no way fatal. The fire in Sir Francis's wig was soon extinguished, by my lady's wrapping up his head in her wet handkerchief; for having a cold, her nose had run profusely: and Miss Jenny gave us to understand, that there was no harm done to
her,
for as she lay on her back, the count's weight was not more than she could very well bear. It created a laugh in the house, and the audience departed in good humour.
It may be expected I should say something of myself, but modestry enjoins me to say no more, than,
Dr. Savage
being only a
mock-doctor,
I was equally at home both in one part and the other. Whether it was owing to me or the other performers, I will not pretend to determine; but the farce was so much liked, that we played nothing else for six successive nights, and the house was always full. It held seventeen pounds, and as the expences were eleven, the manager put six in his pocket; but, not considering me yet as part of his establishment, out of these six he gave me one, and as we performed three times a week, I thought it a great deal of money.
FINDING we were likely to succeed, we enlarged our theatre, and made it hold twenty-seven pounds; and we added an additional fiddle to our band, which before consisted only of two violins and a violincello; for we had it in contemplation to perform comic operas. Two of our company, indeed, could not sing, but we had a plan to make up the deficiency. Whenever they had a song to sing, they were to stand pretty near the side scenes, and a person without was to sing it for them: we, by a similar contrivance, performed the Beggar's Opera, and the manager found me exceedingly useful, as I could cut down a play to any number of characters. Now, there being more characters in this piece, than our small company could fill, I cut out all the whores and rogues but two of each sort, being persuaded, that in these wicked and expensive times, two rogues were enough to corrupt any man, and two whores sufficient to ruin him.
THE week following our new heroine joined us, and never was I more amazed in my life; for who should this young lady be, but Miss Biddy Slash'em, the daughter of Dr. Slash'em of Highgate, where I was first received on my journey towards London. It was on a Saturday evening that she arrived, an evening that we did not perform, and the manager, myself, and two or three of the principals, were regaling over a bowl of punch at a public house. The manager was called out, in order to introduce her, and on her entering the room, the instant she saw me, she flew into my arms with rapture, and the next moment, as in a paroxism of rage, she caught hold of my ears, and shook me, till I was obliged to bawl out for relief; then again, she almost smothered me with caresses, and next burst into a flood of tears. It is natural to conceive, that this inequality of conduct, this conflict of passions, this mixture of love and anger, must have been mysterious to all present but to me. I was conscious I had not treated her well, in omitting to correspond with her, and that for reasons the reader will by-and-by know. However, she soon recovered herself, apologised to the company for her behaviour, said, I was the oldest acquaintance she had, and that her transports in seeing me, where she so little expected it, had totally confused her.
DIFFERENCES being adjusted, and matters of ceremony settled, our topics became general, rolled upon the state of the company, the success we had met with, and our plan of operations in future; and towards the close of the evening, the manager conceiving, as old acquaintance, we might wish to be left, together; when the bowl was out, he proposed retiring, and left us to ourselves.
WE were no sooner alone, but she burst into tears again, upbraided me with my cruel conduct, declared how much she loved me, and said she had suffered greatly on my account. I begged she would suspend her opinion of my conduct, till she had heard my story, which I would relate to her the first opportunity; but that is was too long, and too interesting, to enter into, at so late an hour in the evening. I asked her, if she was provided with a lodging, she replied, she was, and hoped I would breakfast with her in the morning; which having promised to do, I conducted her home, and lift her.
CHAP. XVI.
THE next morning I waited on Miss Slash'em at her lodgings, and found her neatly and elegantly dressed to receive me; she was grown tall and slender, and had a fire in her eye that I never observed before. I could not help telling her, that I thought she was grown very handsome, and that I was sorry to see her in no better situation than myself, reduced for bread, to join a strolling company of players. She in return told me, that her meeting with me, compensated for the rubs that she had met with, and they were not a few. She reminded me of having promised to recount my story, and I told it as faithfully as I have laid it before my readers, excepting my attachment, with the vows I had made to Miss Wildman, and an untruth or two I was obliged to tell, of having twice written to her an receiving no answer.
WHEN I came to that part of my story, respecting the accident at Mr. Wildman's door, she corroborated the paragraph I had read in the newspapers, and told me she had so far enquired, as to find, that the coroner's inquest had acquitted me, and that the porter, though committed to prison, as I did not appear against him, was discharged at the following sessions.
WHEN I had ended my story, which she observed, for the little time we had been separated, was the fullest of events she had ever heard of, she gave me her's in the following manner.
YOU must remember, my dear fellow, the critical situation you left me in: I concealed it as long as I could; but not hearing from you, and having no friend to apply to, I was under a necessity of discovering it to my mother, and making a friend of her.
Hussey,
says she,
this comes of your hanging about the men.
And though she rated me roundly for my misconduct, as I applied to her feelings, as a woman and my mother, she wished, if possible, to keep it secret from my father; but that was impracticable; he had too keen an eye, not to see a visible alteration in my person, and knew too much of the world, as he called it, to be
hum-bugg'd.
In short, it was known to him, three months before I lay in, and no poor devil, between father and mother, lived a more wretched life; upbraidings without number and all sorts of unkind treatment. In short,
your
cruel usage, added to theirs, so distressed me, that I was worn to a shadow; and had they not relaxed in their severity, near the time of my lying in, I believe I should have died. Indeed, I so frequently told them so, that
they
began to believe it: they on this consideration were less severe to me at the last, and I made shift to live through the trying time, having brought into the world a still-born boy.— There appearing now to be no living witness of my shame, and my father not likely to be at any further expence, after I was recovered, he began to soften his brow, and to reconcile the matter to himself; but never could be brought to look upon me again with that pleasure and satisfaction he had formerly done. In short, the life I then led, determined me to quit it, whenever I had an opportunity, and this opportunity soon offered; for having a strolling company in the village, which I heard were removing, I wrote a note to the manager, who was a single man, and whom I had seen, to this effect.
SIR,
A DAMSEL in distress stands in need of protection; she fancies, she has abilities for the stage, or for any thing; if you are inclined to try them, and have spirit enough to bring a ladder and carry her off secretly, you will find her at the one pair of stairs window of the red house, opposite the lamp post, No. 119, on the road to London, on Friday morning next, between three and four o'clock.
FOR, as you know my mother used to take the keys of the outer doors up into her room, I had no other way of escaping. I prepared every thing for my elopement, put up my cloaths in a bundle, and on the appointed morning, being just break of day, I stole down to the window; and though I doubted of seeing the person I waited for, I no sooner opened the shutter, than I found my Ranger with a ladder ready, and with all the vivacity and spirit I could wish. He handed me out, and we got clear off. It was a fine morning, and we walked away for Hampstead, where he had provided me a retreat, having thrown the ladder over a hedge by the road side. Here he kept mè a week, and lived with me till his company removed to St. Albans and we then followed.
YOUR good sense, my dear Gabriel, will forgive me this rash act. Could I have had
your
protection, I would have preferred it to that of all the men in the world; but as you had deserted me, and my life was wretched, from a persuasion that it could not be more so, I ventured upon the change. It was a bold enterprize, as I was then scarce nineteen. Mr. Rider, for that was my friend's name, was a tolerable good player, took a great deal of pains with me, and made me capable of earning my living before I had been three months with him; I came out at first, in very trisling parts; but, before we left St. Albans, I had played Juliet, Desdemona, and two or three other capital characters, and acquitted myself so well, that I began to think of standing upon my own bottom.
I HAD not been a great while at St. Albans, before my father found me out, and wrote to me. After condemning my conduct, and some few chidings, on that account, he proceeded to tell me, that if I would quit the way of life I was in, return home, and be useful about the house, that both he and my mother would receive me kindly:—but I returned him for answer, that I was making great proficiency in the profession I had taken up, and had the vanity to think, that, in a little time, I should be at the top of it. I thanked him for his offer, but I would rather continue as I was; particularly as I could not be more disgraced than I had been, and as his circumstances were not so great, but he could dispense with a useless person about him. After this letter, he left me to myself, and I never was importuned again upon the subject.—I have written to my mother once or twice since, not to ask any assistance, but merely to enquire after her and my father; but, as I never could obtain an answer, I wrote no more. All I know is, that, on enquiry from a person who was lately in the neighbourhood, I find that they are both well, and that his school has very much encreased.
I CONTINUED with Mr. Rider, upwards of three quarters of a year, when a circumstance happened that occasioned our separation. Whilst I was at St. Albans, a linen-draper's apprentice, a good-humoured lad, took a liking to me, and was ever behind the scenes, industriously attentive to please me; and as he was a generous youth, though without money, and would frequently present me with a muslin handkerchief or two, half a dozen pocket handkerchiefs, an apron and other necessary articles, I found it my interest to keep in with him.—
NOT enquiring,
interrupted I,
how he came by them?
NOT I, indeed,
continued she,
that was no part of
my
concern: I suppose he paid his master for them.—They were acceptable to me, and I took them, and, when we removed to Hertford, this young man one Sunday, came over to see me, at a time when Mr. Rider was from home, and not being able toget him away, so soon as I wished, Mr. Rider returned, and entered the room unexpectedly at the moment the poor boy was squeezing my hand in raptures. Mr. Rider grew jealous from this hour, and was seldom after in a good-humour. I told him, therefore, frankly, that I would continue no longer with him, but leave him and his company to themselves; I accordingly applied to the manager of the Buckingham theatre, and as he wanted a woman in my cast of parts, I immediately joined his company, at a salary of four and twenty shillings a week; and he, being a musical man, taught me to sing; so that I am now a general player. Tragedy, comedy, opera, farce-nothing comes amiss miss to me.
AND have you,
say I,
continued with them till now?
WITH some little interruption,
returned she,
I have. I went on pretty smoothly for the first year; when an old quaker at Buckingham, who had more of the sinner in him than the saint, and was reputed to be very rich, invited himself to drink tea wich me at my lodgings; I received him and he made me a formal proposal of taking me to live with him, with a
Verily friend Slash'em, thou hast a leering eye and a bewitching form, that stirreth my whole frame: I have been, since I saw thee, in such an eternal figet, that I never shall be again composed, till thou condescendeth to make me happy.
I gave him to understand, that, in the profession I was in, I earned a great deal of money; that if he took me out of it, I should be a considerable loser, for that I might find an unwillingness to return, and that, of course, I could not think of changing my situation, unless he would settle fifty pounds a year upon me, which he consented to, and I went home in a few days after to his house;—you will scarce credit the assertion; but, it is nevertheless true, that quakers, notwithstanding their outward formality and stiffness, are as wanton as boys, and put on their formality only with their cloaths. Mr. Broadbrim, the gentleman I lived with, was about sixty years of age, and very much respected among the brotherhood. I was dressed like one of them, and passed for his house-keeper, and might have continued long with him, had not the friends began to smoke him, as they called it, and found out who I was.
Truly friend Broadbrim,
said an old acquaintance to him one day, and which I overheard from the next room,
thy housekeeper savoureth too much of the flesh, and betrayeth an impurity that becometh not thy age and outward sanctity.
Ebenezer,
said Mr. Broadbrim to him,
Let not thy tongue out-run thy discretion. Flesh is sometimes necessary to cheer the spirits and comfort the outward man. I can discover by thy eyes, that
thou
also hast thy wanton moments, and that though thy flesh be weak, thy spirit is willing.
—
It was not always he could get off so well; in short, he was so laughed at by the young men, and jeered by the old, that he could not hold up against their ridicule, and having been threatened with an expulsion from the society, which he dreaded more than any thing, he told me, one day, unwilling as he was, he must part with me, but that the fifty pounds a year, I was welcome to keep; and if I did not expose him, he would be a friend to me whilst he lived. I accordingly quitted him and returned to the way of life I was in before; joining the Buckingham company again, at my former salary; but, as my own mistress, with the addition of fifty pounds a year regularly paid every half year. Our manager dying soon after, the company broke up and I am engaged here as you find me.
I TOOK the liberty to ask her some questions respecting the quakers; she replied,
that, indeed, she did not know a great deal of them, having never conversed with any one of them till she became acquainted with Mr. Broadbrim; but that he had an universal acquaintance among the fraternity, and they were frequently at his house; that as far as she could judge, they were the greatest dissemblers in life, and that she believed though they professed more candour and more sincerity than the rest of the world, they at the same time had less of it; that she knew it was a custom among them to have false bills of parcels to shew to their customers, by which they ascertained their profit to be very small, when, in fact, it was very large, and under a pretence of dealing for discount only, that discount was twenty-five or thirty per cent. I know the Birmingham manufacturers allow a discount of twenty-five per cent. upon their bills, for ready money, and if a retailer gets no more, he gets a great deal too much.
But, as my opinion of Miss Slash'em's judgment was but indifferent, I ceased making any further enquiries.
SHE would fian have urged me to live in the same apartment with her; but, I excused myself, under the declaration of being the most inconstant fellow alive, and the most unsettled; that it was uncertain whether I continued in the profession I was in, one month or twelve; but that whilst I did, and that we were within reach of each other, I would see her, when she pleased, and where she pleased; and should always think myself happy when I had it in my power to be of use to her.
IT may appear strange that one upon the town as I was, should decline Biddy Slash'em's proposal, whose purse as well as person would have been at my command; but, the truth is, I hated a settled connexion. I will be honest enough to own, that I frequently yielded to the bent of human nature, and if I had occasionally a child or two sworn to me unjustly, I compromised the matter with the parish where it was born on, the best terms I could, which seldom exceeded ten pounds and a treat to the Overseers of the poor. That ten pounds will not bring a child up till it is able to get its living, we all know; but, these guardians of the infant poor, are charitable enough to remove it from a sinful world, as soon as possible. At an entertainment I gave upon one of these occasions, the church-warden intimated, when half-drunk, that ten pounds was a good price for a bastard child, as wrapping it up a night or two in a wet blanket, seldom failed of sending it to Heaven presently.
END OF THE SECOND VOLUME.